It was cold out today. It was really cold out today. Four layers and a puffy jacket cold. Ah. Why did I ask for this weekend off? Either way, it'll be nice to be home for a while. But we got out of practice so late. They always make me stay late when I plan to go home. Don't they know the last bus leaves at 10? Its 9:32. Ah, I'm going to have to run to the station. Again. 

"Bye hyungs!" 

And I was out the door. Jiyong was in the shower. I knew he'd kill me for not saying goodbye, but...I don't like having to say it every time. He thinks it's hard for him only. The elevator is taking forever. Again. But going down 12 flights of stairs is worse. So I have to wait the hour it takes for it to get here. While hiding in the neighbors doorway, just in case Ji comes looking for me. I swear this thing is slower than an ahjusshi. Finally. By the time I actually make it out the dorm its 9:40. I hate running. The trainer wants us to be 'well-rounded in our fitness' so he makes us do weights and run. I don't mind the weights, its not so tiring. But I can't breathe normally for an hour after we run. And it's freezing tonight. The air feels like knives. Literally. Stabbing at my lungs. Half-way through my run I can feel my phone vibrate. I know it's him. But I can't wait in that station overnight again. Its always so cold in there. And I don't have any extra money for food. After running, and stopping to make sure my lungs are still in my chest, I finally make it to the station.

"Excuse me, I need a ticket to Gwanju."

"The last bus is about to leave, but the terminal is on the other side of the station."

"What?? Why isn't it at the normal station?" 

"That one is temporarily closed for repairs, I don't think you can make it"

"Give me the ticket."

Today. Of all days. Today the bus leaves from the other side of the station. I grab the ticket and set off, weaving through a bunch of old people moving slower than big Seunghyun at dance practice. It's...10:01. Damn. Please don't be on time. Please don't leave me. I shouldn't have put so much stuff in my bag. The straps are killing my shoulders. I can feel the bruises building underneath them. I finally catch a glimpse of the end of the terminal, and the bus. Just as it's pulling off. Noo. Wait. Please. But I'm left to stare at the back of it as it gets further. Ahh. Really?? Really. Reality is so cold today. I turn around and head back to the center of the station to wait. It's always warmer there. Where all the vendors set up. What did I put in this bag? It feels like I'm carry Daesung. I stopped in the bathroom to wipe off the sweat from my face. I take off my backpack and drop it on the floor. Despite all the layers I had on I can still see the red bruises. Not to mention now I'm freezing yet again, since I took off all my jackets. Digging through all the stuff I brought for my family I find an old, sweaty practice towel at the bottom of the bag. It'll do. I wrapped it around my shoulders and put on all my layers again. Ah, even this is tiring. 

I walked around to the center of the station. My wall. It's been a few months, hasn't it? I sit down at the corner of the bench and rest my back on it. Yep. Every few months we meet again. Always the same place, same time. You listen so well too. You're better than my ex-girlfriend. And just then, it hits me. The smell of the nearest cart of food. It smells better than heaven. And just like that, I'm starving. I wish I could get something. My mouth is so dry from the running. And it looks so warm. So delicious. But my phone vibrates again, so I force my eyes away from the beautiful delicacies. 

Ji: HOW COULD YOU LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE!

Ji: Yah! Are you avoiding me? 

Ji: Did you get on the bus? 

Ji: Are you alive?

Ji: Are you talking to that wall again? You know that's not normal right?

I really tried not to laugh. Ji is such a wife. Really. I know it sounds weird to say it like that. He just sounds exactly like what I imagine a wife sounds like.  

Me: I'm on the bus. Just barely made it. I chased it for almost 5 mins before the driver stopped. He thought a ghost was after them. Ha. 

I know, the more I think about it the more I realized that, I actually lie a lot to Jiyong. Its not on purpose, but, if I told him I was here...he'd come. He probably wouldn't put on enough layers as he's hurrying out the door. He'd forget his gloves. And hat. So he'd have to turn around twice to go get them. Waiting on the ahjusshi elevator each time. Then he'd have to walk, since I don't think I've ever seen him run for more than five minutes. By the time he actually got here he'd be freezing. Eyes all watery. Nose running all over the place. His hands would be like icicles. All just to spend another half hour walking back to the dorms. No. Unlike everyone else in my life, Ji was exempt for normal Seungri. Normal Seungri doesn't care how tired you are, how much money you have, or what you want to do- If he needs something he gets it. Panda is different. Ji knows Panda. So Panda takes care of Ji.

Ji: Ha, really? You made it ok? It's so cold out, did you put on enough layers? 

Me: Yep, it's a little cold on the bus, but I'm ok.

Ji: Ok, stay warm. And don't you leave without saying goodbye again. Or i'll make you wear bunny ears to practice for a week. 

Tough love. I laughed again. I didn't mind bunny ears though, not as much as I let him think. Tonight is going to last forever. I could walk back to the dorms if I really wanted. I glanced out the window. It was snowing. And the wind was picking up. People who were just arriving were running in to get away from the cold. On second thought, I'll just stay here. If I get stuck in this they might not find me for a few days. I can imagine what YG would say...'Ah. I give him a chance to be in the group, let him go home on the weekends, and he goes and turns himself into an ice sculpture. Well if that's what he wanted I could've let him do that last winter and saved myself the headache.' It's still freezing in here. The next bus doesn't leave until 6. I think its too cold for me to sleep yet. But as I closed my eyes I felt exhausted. All of this for one dream. One thing I just couldn't let go. I will be successful. No matter what. I could feel Ji's warm hug when I finally stopped thinking about the cold and drifted off to sleep.