Boom. Boom. Boom. The music was so loud I swear I was going to lose my hearing. It was not my idea to come to a club, even if we did have tomorrow off. I would've been fine staying home and watching videos where it was quiet and well-lit. Besides, they only bring me to make sure they get home in one piece. Otherwise I just stay in a corner and pretend I'm talking on the phone, like now. 

"Daesung! Come have a drink!" Jiyong said.

"My cousin called. From America. I'll be there in a sec. Save me some!"

"Ok!" he said, dancing in the opposite direction.

Me, have a cousin in America? Yep, he was drunk. And Top was...ah, under the table again. I have no idea why Top loved being under tables when he was drunk, but if you couldn't spot him, he was probably under the nearest one. I saw his bright green sneakers sticking out from the table across the room. 

"Hyung. Can I join you?" He just looked at me with blank eyes and sweat matted hair.  So I scooted under, he didn't move, he just kept looking at the white tablecloth. Sometimes he got like that, he would just go blank in the middle of doing something. It's not that he wasn't there I think he just liked to shut off once in a while. I guess it wasn't always by choice. 

"Hyung, we picked up food from the market, actual food, not just ramen. Meat and vegetables too. My mom called earlier and asked how you were and I told her you were on your way to being the best dancer in the group. I was going to wake you the other night to eat but everyone said to just let you rest. I know it was a long day. I get tired too hyung. We're almost there right? You know I have some music I think you would like. It's not hip hop or rap but I think it'll help you fall asleep better. Its like jazz and alternative mixed together. Its very soothing..." 

I could tell I was boring him. Even if he was still staring off into space. Truth is, If I did anything other than my dumb and dumber act, no one really listened. And honestly, I don't know if I even wanted anyone to really listen. Maybe they'd realize that I'm really not as cheerful as I usually act. That I'm kind of self-centered. I try to make everyone so happy, but I really just want to make me happy. When did my dream become subjective?

"Do you ever get tired of always entertaining everyone hyung? Sometimes I do...sometimes I don't feel like smiling or even opening my eyes I'm so tired. I really like just sleeping. That's all I want to do on our days off, lie in bed and sleep, and when I'm about to starve, I'll finally get up. My dad says I'm too lazy to be successful. And I really tried to keep going to school and practice I just couldn't stay awake. The teachers just don't get it. Neither do my parents. Or my friends. All I have is you guys and the trainers. Pathetic, right? I feel like I keep letting everyone down. I'm trying to make my voice smoother, but its so raspy I don't know what to do with it. I can't hit the high notes they want me to. It's not me hyung. It really isn't. I keep trying, I keep giving it my best. Everyone else keeps telling its not worth it. They want me to quit. To give up. And sometimes I really want to..."

"Do you like to sing?" Seunghyun looked at me and asked.

"Huh?"

"You like to sing, right?"

"Yea"

"Then don't worry...well, worry less, about everything else. Inner peace is not the bottom of the pyramid. It's the top. Just do what you do best now, and eventually you will climb the steps. And one day you'll stop to look around and realize how far you've climbed. And then we'll help you climb the rest." 

I don't really understand how drunk Top is always filled with wisdom. It's like he keeps all these thoughts to himself until just the right moment, when we're sitting under the perfect table, in our usual nightclub, and he's had just enough wine to not care about inhibitions. Maybe it's because I'm the only one sober enough to remember but I don't think he ever tells this to anyone else, these random bits of information. I'm not sure if he really listens to me while I'm rambling either. Sometimes I think he knows I can hear him when he wakes up at night. And so he knows were both up with our own thoughts. Lost but listening to see if the other will maybe knock on the door and come sit with you. Not necessarily to talk, but just be. 

"Hyung, its late, I'm going to get everyone and go back to the dorms"

"Ok"

"Wait here, I'll be back." He nodded. Choi Seunghyun. I don't know if we're ever going to figure each other out, but I trust you to help me climb the rest.

::::::

*revised 1/19/12

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