JISOO

You broke me and took pieces of me, now I don’t know how to be whole again.

It’s one of those nightmares again that when you wake up you already know they are not dreams, but flashbacks from the past. My heart was racing when I woke up and beads of sweat formed in my temples. It is past midnight again and this has been happening to me since I received the text from Junmyeon days ago.

Junmyeon: Can we meet? As friends you know?

Junmyeon: Jisoo I know this is still your number! Don’t act like you don’t know me anymore.

Junmyeon: Pls Jisoo. I just want to talk. Don’t forget it’s your fault why I got kick out of our group.

I’ve been ignoring his text messages. There’s no need to talk to him after what he did to me. After he… I stopped myself before I wallow. Jennie and Seulgi don’t know about it. Just my Therapist, Taehyung but I cannot disturb him every time I wake up at the middle of the night. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. This is my fight. I sat up and thought of happy thoughts.

“Lisa’s smile, trees, chicken, snow and… and…” My brain stopped and I just stared to nowhere while my heart keeps on beating faster. Memories of what happened that night keeps intruding in my head and the familiar nauseous feeling crept in. I quickly moved to my feet running towards my kitchen sink.

“Three times is enough” I took a deep breath before washing my hands up to both of my arms. I keep on counting but after three, I feel like it’s still not enough. I have to clean myself. I have to.

LISA

Ever since our bonding that night I’ve been hanging out with Jisoo more often. Seulgi has also allowed me to go with them even after our rehearsals. The filming of the music video is already finish too. I just need to edit it to polish some things. Her comeback is only days from now that’s why her team is pretty busy too. I’ve learned new things about Jisoo while tagging along. She has become more organize and addicted to coffee Americano. I find it adorable how she closes her eyes when she savors the taste of the coffee. However, I also learn how she thinks little of herself and I don’t understand why. Also, I know I am in no position to ask her since I ghosted her, but sometimes I cannot help but be concern and subtly ask her why she ended up being an assistant manager and not debut as a singer. However, Jisoo will just give a smile and say that she’s okay with her job right now and will not further talk about it. So I have no choice but leave the topic.

Seulgi just finished her interview and her team is having a break before going to another location. I found Jisoo sitting at a bench outside with coffee in her hand.

“Earth to Jisoo. Earth to Jisoo.” I snapped my fingers in front of her wandering face. She’s been daydreaming more often this past few days. Her mind gets easily drifted to who knows where.

“Hey…” Her voice is weak and gave me a faint smile.

“Did you sleep well? You don’t look good.” I said as I notice dark circles around her eyes.

She stared the coffee in her hand for a moment before replying. “No…I think I need to schedule an appointment tomorrow with Dr Kim.”

I heard about her therapist and how he helped her with her OCD and Anxiety so I know seeing him again aside from her monthly appointment means that she’s not doing well lately. “Do you want me to go with you?” I offered.

“No. I’ll be fine. He knows me more than anyone else.”

“Oh.” I’m not jealous just a bit disappointed about myself. If only I stayed, but I am here now. I need to make up for that lost time especially my stay in Seoul is limited as well. “Jisoo-unnie, you can trust me right?” I waited for response but she remained silent. I hesitated at first but I have to take a shot. It hurts to see her like this. I want to understand her more and gain her trust about everything even her imperfections. “How did you get OCD and Anxiety Disorder?”

The question did not surprise her like she was already asked about it before. Just when I thought she’ll give me another silent treatment Jisoo finally shared a bit. “A lot of things happened after you left. Junmyeon… he…he…” She stopped, her breathing is getting irregular and her voice started to shake. “we broke up… and he made the company kicked me out and after that no company wanted me.” She kept her head down. It’s not the whole story but it was enough for me to understand that her dream as an idol ended after those events.

I took her hand and squeezed it to let her know I’m here. That’s when I noticed the rubber band on her wrist and the fresh red markings. I raised her hand to look at it closely. Jisoo took it away immediately when she noticed I was looking at her markings.

“Don’t think weird things. It’s part of my therapy. I have to snap this whenever I overthink. It’s been a while since I used this. Not until I received those messages from him.” Her words almost faded as she talks. If I weren’t listening keenly I won’t be able to hear what she said.

“Junmyeon texted you?! About w