I message Hoony in the car as BoA drove, feeling numb all over as I forced my thumbs to spell out my message. "I think it's this weekend. Appa made me go to Cheongju with him. I feel so helpless."

I leaned my head against the window and stared at the back of the seat in front of me. We were in my father's girlfriend car and I saw a fitness magazine that rested in the pocket on the back of the seat. My phone buzzed as I stared blankly at the cover. I looked down at Hoony's message.

"I'm here."

I felt empty, and I knew it was from more than just the thought of losing Jennie. Dad was starting a new life with his girlfriend. He was happy, and I couldn't ruin that. I wouldn't let myself lean on him again; he'd done enough for me over the past years.

Seunghoon oppa remained the sole person who knew and understood what I was going through. After Jennie was gone, he was all I'd really have. I wasn't sure that'd be enough for me. I had nothing left to feel for anyone after Jennie was gone. She owned all my heart, and I'd let her have it. I put down my walls long enough to let her invade and take over completely, even though I known all along that this was how it was going to end.

I felt so stupid now, and I wondered what part of me had let myself be convinced that it was okay to fall for Jennie and wondered what awful thing I'd done in a past life to deserve the one I had now.

---

After we'd settled into our hotel room in Cheongju that evening, my dad and her girlfriend insisted on going out for dinner. I'd requested that Jennie check in every hour or so, but Dad made me put up my phone for dinner.

I knew it was clear to them that I was distracted. I ate my food in silence and could barely get it down. There was a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. BoA said something about it first, which surprised me. "Lisa, are you alright? You seem quiet."

"She's got some relationship problems," Dad answered for me, shooting me a sympathetic smile and placing a hand on my shoulder. "She and Jennie had a little spat right before we left."

"Oh." BoA looked taken aback. "I'm sorry to hear that. It wouldn't have bothered me if you'd have wanted to stay back to patch things up with Jennie."

"Oh, no, I wanted her to come," Dad explained. "I think the change in scenery will be good for her, even if it's for just a couple of days. She can talk to Jennie when she gets back." BoA still looked dubious. Fed up, I reached down into my pants pocket and took out my phone. Dad sighed at me.

"Lisa, we're having dinner."

"I don't care," I shot back, and hastily stood up and left the table. I wound through the crowded restaurant until I was back by the front door. Outside, there were several benches where customers could sit while waiting to be seated. I found the most isolated bench and sat down, then checked my phone. No new message from Jennie. I immediately dialed her number and closed my eyes, murmuring a silent prayer to whatever was up in the sky that she'd pick up.

She didn't. I set my phone down beside me and slouched forward, my head in my hands. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My phone buzzed beside me and I snatched at it. It was Jennie: "In a shower, call u later."

I let out a heavy breath and pocketed my phone. The front door to the restaurant swung open and it wasn't Dad who emerged, but BoA. She looked around for a moment before noticing me. I mentally prepared for an awkward conversation as she headed toward me.

"Mind if I sit?" she asked. I shrugged my shoulders, and she joined me on the bench. "Bet Appa's pissed," I mumbled. "Is that why he sent you?"

"He didn't send me," she admitted. "I asked him to let me talk to you. I think maybe it's a little hard to talk about your relationships with your parent. Especially a dad, as his daughter."

"I don't know you very well," I reminded her quietly. "Why bother? You and my dad haven't even been dating for that long."

"That's true. But I do like him." She paused, and then leaned back against the bench. I could feel her gaze on the side of my face but kept my own eyes on my lap. "I'm sorry he made you come here for the weekend. I remember what it was like to be inlove at your age. The person you're dating sort of becomes your whole world."

"Don't say it like that," I countered. "Like it's this immature thing and like it's a phase that'll pass. Besides, I'm not upset because of some dumb fight."

She fell silent at that for a moment. "...Well, would you like to talk about what's disturbing you?"

"You wouldn't understand."

She let out a light laugh. "Oh, dear, I think I'd understand a whole lot better than you'd think. Like I said: I've been at your age before."

"Did you lose a mother when you were 17, too?" I snapped, and she was quiet again. "No," she admitted at last. "But I did lose my husband. I know the pain never quite goes away. And sometimes it shows up when you least expect it to."

"Do you ever get afraid you'll lose someone again?" I asked, gaze still on my lap. I was stiff and unmoving, it felt impossible to swallow.

Even speaking didn't feel natural; it was like every syllable had to be pushed from my throat. "That's a tough question," said BoA. "I think..." She trailed off, and then let out a sigh. "You know, I think feeling that kind of pain again is utterly terrifying. But I think a big part of healing is coming to terms with the fact that it's a part of life, and that while it does hurt, it doesn't outweigh the good times we got to share with that person before their death."

"That's what everyone keeps saying," I told her. "I don't understand why. I remember eomma very much." I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes and struggled to fight them off. "All I can think about is losin