Nako's Days
DaydreamsNako’s Days
Day -2439
“I can sleep by myself,” Nako said petulantly.
“Sure, sure. Just say I’m lonely,” Sakura said as she opened the covers and got in.
Nako felt instant relief as she felt the bed shift with another person’s weight. Truthfully, she’d been feeling slightly scared in the unfamiliar room all by herself. At her place, they had a big family room where she still slept with her parents. Also, hospitals and doctors scared her, so knowing that her grandma was there made it even more unbearable being alone with her thoughts. She might have been sniffling and crying a bit before Sakura came in.
“Mom said everything’s fine at your grandparents, so don’t worry,” Sakura said as if sensing Nako’s worries.
“I know,” Nako said. She shifted her body until she could turn and face Sakura. The girl was looking back at her warmly. Whenever Sakura looked at her, Nako felt all tingly inside, different then when anyone else looked at her. “Do you remember when we met?”
“Hmm… well, you moved in beside us about five years ago, so probably when you were about four,” Sakura said after thinking for a moment.
Nako didn’t remember ever not knowing Sakura. It was like speaking for the first time. She couldn’t remember when she couldn’t talk. As far as she knew, she always knew how to talk, just like how Sakura had always been there in her memories. “Do you actually remember that?”
“You were crying a lot. I think you really missed your old house. You mom came over with you when she heard I was going to the same school that you would be going to.”
“You remember a lot,” Nako said, easily awed by anything the older girl by one year said.
“Of course. You’re my first friend,” Sakura said drowsily. The girl was starting to fall asleep.
Nako watched as Sakura’s eyelids started to close more and more slowly. Her friend had beautiful, big eyes. Not for the first time, she wondered if she were strange thinking about things like that. Did Sakura think about her like that? The tingly feeling came back as she thought about that. “Saku-chan, will we always be friends?”
“Hmm, yeah, always,” Sakura murmured in barely a whisper with her eyes closed.
Nako leaned forward and kissed Sakura on the forehead. She knew the girl would be ecstatic if she were awake. Sakura loved hugs and kisses from her brother and Nako. Lately, she felt incredibly shy when the girl asked for a kiss, which made the girl demand one even more since she found it ‘tsundere.’ She closed her eyes while thinking about Sakura’s comment. Always. She’d like that.
Day -1734
Nako had never felt so anxious in her life as she stared at the closed door. Even though this was the third day in a row that she was visiting, it hadn’t gotten easier. Steeling herself, she opened the door to see Sakura staring at the wall listlessly. Her friend had always been a pensive girl and was often quieter than other children when they were alone but seeing her sitting there doing absolutely nothing for the third day again was disquieting. The other girl was always doing something. Whether it was practicing her lines, studying, or playing games, Sakura rarely simply did nothing for such a long time.
“What are you doing?” Nako asked brightly, forcing herself to be cheerful and hoping that it would rub off on Sakura.
“Oh, nothing. Just thinking,” Sakura said, her voice incredibly quiet.
Auntie had warned her to avoid questions about the audition. As much as she wanted to talk about it, she could see that Sakura was in no mood to talk about anything. Instead, she got onto the bed and moved to the spot next to the girl. She then put her arm around Sakura and hugged her. After a moment, she could feel the girl’s head against her shoulder.
Day -1254
“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the audition?” Sakura asked again.
Nako knew that Sakura meant well, but she was the last person she could really talk about this with. You idiot. Why don’t you realize why I’m not going? It was frustrating. Sakura would feel guilty and upset if she knew. Nako was forced to lie to her best friend because of it. “For the millionth time, yeah, I’m sure. It’s way too much work and sounds like a pain. I’d really miss my family too much. It’s all the way in Fukuoka. And I know how much they train. I’d have to diet and probably won’t be able to eat ice cream as much.”
“But I you love idols so much. You mom was angry when you spent all your New Year’s money on those CDs just so that you can win tickets to see that girl you like. You’ve always said you wanted to be one too. This is such a great chance.”
“It was a silly dream,” Nako said. It had really been her only dream for a long time. The other things had been easier to say since they were true to a degree. This lie was harder to swallow without some truth to go with it. “Besides, I have other dreams.”
“Really? I’ve never heard you say you want to be anything other than an idol. Like what?” Sakura asked persistently in an annoying way.
“Like a bride, okay?” Nako mumbled. Seeing Sakura’s shocked face at her response hurt her a bit. Angrily, she looked Sakura and repeated it louder. “A bride. I want to spend my life with someone that I love, okay? Do you know that idols can’t really date or anything until they pretty much stop being idols?”
“You’re too young to be thinking about stuff like that? No way I’m giving up my Nako to some person I don’t even know,” Sakura said and pulled Nako in for a bone crushing hug.
Nako rolled her eyes or at least tried to. With her face buried in Sakura’s chest, she was finding it hard to even breathe. She pulled away even though the hug had been really, really nice. “I’m going to get married eventually, you know. Who’s going to take care of me when I’m old?”
“I am of course,” Sakura said.
The girl said it so innocently that Nako had to wonder if Sakura truly was one year older than her. Even though she knew that she couldn’t hold Sakura to those words, she still felt incredibly happy hearing them.
Day 47
The nerve of that girl. Whatever possibility that Nako and Yujin could be friend had flown out the window. It had been a full day since the two girls had argued with each other, but she still seethed with anger. She looked at over at the sleeping Sakura who had slept over again. It’s all your fault, you know, Dummy?
Nako poked at Sakura’s cheek gently, to which the girl moaned and muttered in her sleep. I only got angry because of you. She’s tall, beautiful, and completely in love with you, you know? Aren’t you lucky?
Nako sighed. She hadn’t meant to say the things that she said to Yujin. It wasn’t fair of her to say that the girl was using her status as Sakura’s kohai to take advantage of the older girl. Of course, Yujin retaliated by hitting Nako right where it hurt; her guilt over not telling Sakura how she really felt.
Even now, she was enjoying one of the perks of being Sakura’s childhood friend. Would she be able to sleep beside the other girl if Sakura knew that Nako was infatuated with her? By keeping quiet, she got to see Sakura in all her natural beauty. Another benefit was that they frequently held hands when they went out together. The best perk was simply the time they got to spend together.
Nako cursed Yujin for filling her head with doubt about her relationship with Sakura. Squeezing her eyes closed, she went to sleep to forget about the other girl and once again place her thoughts about her and Sakura’s relationship on the back burner.
Day 145
“I’m fine,” Sakura said when Nako brought her yet another cup of tea.
“Auntie said this one is supposed to calm the nerves,” Nako said, ignoring Sakura’s protests.
Like usual, Sakura backed down at Nako’s insistence. She took the offered tea and started to sip at it. “You’re such a worry wart.”
“Hey, you weren’t just a kid when you friend started having trouble breathing,” Nako said crossly at her friend.
“That was a long time ago and this is just a TV show.”
“I know how heavily invested you get in these reality shows. So, I know it’s not just a TV show to you.” Nako could still see tears in Sakura’s eyes.
“Fine. But I’m really okay. I’ve gotten a lot better at managing my emotions,” Sakura insisted with a cute pout.
Sakura was telling the truth about that, Nako had to agree. In the past, like when Sakura had come back after her audition in tears, Nako always made sure to be present and support her friend. Lately, it seemed the need for her to do that became less and less. “You’re grown a lot this year.”
“So have you,” Sakura said. “Maybe, not height wise, but definitely as a person.”
Their usual banter hit Nako a little differently than before. Would things ever change between the two of them? Sakura was changing and growing every day it seemed. But their status never progressed beyond that of childhood friends.
Day 209
“Thanks for coming here with me,” Nako said gratefully. “I know this must be uncomfortable for you.”
Sakura shook her head. “It was a long time ago now. I’m glad to be here for you. When’s your turn?”
“I’m number twenty-one. I think number nineteen is auditioning now. So, it should be pretty soon.”
“How are you feeling?” Sakura asked while giving Nako’s hand a squeeze.
“Nervous, but okay. Most of these girls are so young compared to me,” Nako whispered as she looked around the room.
“That means you have an advantage. You have life experience,” Sakura said, ever positive for Nako’s sake. “You’re a shoe-in. You might as well call your mom and tell her to pack your bags.”
Nako winced. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves now. Um, if by some miracle, I do pass the audition, and I do move away, are you going to be okay?”
“Of course not,” Sakura answered honestly. “You’re my oldest friend. It’s going to take me forever to get used to you not being around. Expect me to call and text you a lot.”
“Promise?” Nako asked immediately. Even if Sakura didn’t, she would do it herself.
“Promise. When did you even have time to prepare for this? The culture festival was yesterday, and you guys did a whole concert.”
“Actually, preparing for the culture festival concert really helped me prepare for the audition too,” Nako said wryly.
“So, why now? Why didn’t you do this way back when you had your first audition?” Sakura asked. Nako could tell that the question had been a long time coming by how Sakura just blurted it out.
“Yujin helped me see that I wasn’t being honest with myself and that I was acting like a scared little girl.”
“Outside of doctors, bugs, and being alone at night, you’re one of the bravest girls I know,” Sakura said with a smile.
“Gee, thanks,” Nako said. She then looked at Sakura’s phone shyly before looking at the girl herself. “I think I hear my number. Um, I recorded something on your phone. There’s one more thing I’m scared of. It’s pretty cowardly for me to do it like this, but please watch it. I didn’t want to tell you after and let the result affect what I wanted to say to you.”
Sakura’s eyes were wide as she nodded quietly. Nako took one last look at her childhood friend before turning and making her way to the audition hall. Her last sight of Sakura was of the girl fumbling for her headphones. She wondered if she had been too cryptic. Sakura had looked genuinely shocked.
Nako breathed a sigh of relief and she prepared herself to meet the panel. She had thought she might be a babbling fool at this point wondering how Sakura would take her little message. However, she hadn’t felt so light and devoid of guilt in a long time. In the video, she had laid her heart bare and told her best friend how she really felt for the first time ever. The words had come surprisingly easily. She guessed it was because she had thought of what she wanted to say for such a long time.
Saku-chan, I’m sorry. I’ve been keeping something from you for a long time now. I don’t think it was very fair of me to hide it for so long, but here it is.
I love you.
A little as a friend, a lot as a sister, but I love you the most as a lover might. I’ve told you before I don’t remember you not being in my life. I also don’t remember falling in love. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved you.
I feel like I’m the biggest liar sometimes and the worst friend. You tell me everything and show me all of your parts including the ugly ones. I love you for it. But I was always too scared to do the same.
I worried that things wouldn’t be the same if I ever confessed to you. Instead, I did everything in my power to stay being your friend. I didn’t do the first audition because I was scared that you would forget about me. I entered your high school because I wanted to spend more time with you. I probably would have even tried to get into the same university as you.
Everything I did, I did in order to maintain what I have with you. I probably would have kept lying to you and to myself, but when I saw you change little by little this year, I realized that I was no longer worthy to be by your side even as a friend.
You were growing and I was not. I was sick of being your friend who was too scared to do anything. You encouraged me to grow. When I restarted the light music club with Yuri, I realized that I could change. That gave me hope that our relationship could as well. I look forward to hearing your response. Good or bad.
Day 2260
“Ah!” Sakura screamed comically.
“Stop it!” Nako hissed as she entered the apartment. She dragged her overly large suitcase into the small entrance and then just left it there. She carefully took off her big sunglasses and facemask. Next, the pulled the cap off her head and let her long hair cascade down. Finally, she took off the heavy trench coat that hid all defining features of her body save her height.
“Oh, it’s you,” Sakura said as if she didn’t already know. “Welcome back.”
“I’m back,” Nako replied automatically. The words were basic greetings, but they were words that she had longed to say. No further words needed to be said as the two of them took a step towards each other and enveloped each other in a long hug.
“Well, how long this time?” Sakura asked after a while. She let go of Nako and took a hold of her hand like when they were children. The two of them made their way to the kotatsu that Sakura had set up in the middle of the room.
“I don’t know. We just finished promotions, so I probably have a few weeks before I need to get back,” Nako said. She moved her hand so that their fingers became entwined instead of Sakura holding her hand as if she were a toddler. “But I was thinking maybe, I might announce my graduation.”
“That’s way too soon. You’re not even in your mid-twenties,” Sakura admonished. “Why do you want to graduate all of a sudden?”
“You know when you said that I could come here and recharge my batteries whenever I wanted. Well, lately, I’m finding that I need to recharge more and more often,” Nako looked hard at Sakura to see the girl would get her meaning.
Fortunately, Sakura blushed. She squeezed Nako’s hand reassuringly. “If it’s me you’re worried about, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I’ll always be here when you need me. Come back to me whenever and as often as you like. When you no longer want to go out there again, you’ll have a place here. With me.”
Nako smiled when she felt Sakura’s thumb gently caressing her hand, something a childhood friend wouldn’t do. “I guess I’ll hold off on graduating then. But I wonder if you can really wait that long. Some are saying idols can stay idols until thirty.”
Sakura snorted. “You could probably be forty and people will still mistake you for a middle schooler.”
Nako smiled sweetly and gripped Sakura’s hand tightly until she heard the other girl squeak in pain.
Minju: Nako’s like that, huh?
Yuri: She’s like an angel on the outside, but on the inside…
Hitomi: Let me tell you…
Nako: Ahem.
Minju: Nako’s the cutest.
Yuri: Number one cutest.
Hitomi: So cute!
Sakura: …
Author’s Note:
SakuNako :P
I still remember re-watching some of the highlights from the last PD48 ep. One fan cam that struck me deeply was one where it showed Sakura nearly collapsing when Chaeyeon was announced. In it, you can see Nako worriedly looking up to where Sakura sat until she was sure her senpai was okay. I love it that both of them were able to make it and continue their HKT48 bond.
Comments