Hands connected, swinging to and fro like kindergartners, Niel and Chanhee made a beeline for the supermarket. Niel dragged a trolley out of the line and Chanhee tossed their bags in.

“This time, lets at least try and stay to a budget,” Chanhee said, bumping Niel with his hips.

“I’m not the reason we break budget.” Niel pushed the trolley for the produce section, nose in the air a little.

“Uh-huh.” Chanhee twitched his eyebrows up, “Who likes the seven dollar yogurt so much that we aren’t allowed to buy anything else?”

“And who eats a ridiculous amount of cherries every season?” Niel asked back, grabbing handfuls of the cherries and bagging them.

“That’s all of us.” Chanhee grinned, choosing apples.

“We’re expensive es,” Niel sighed dramatically and wrapped an arm around Chanhee’s waist as they moved to the root vegetables.

“I’m so fancy,” Chanhee sang, perking his hips side to side.

Niel laughed, shaking his head and blushing a little at his embarrassing boyfriend. He moved forward, pretending they didn’t know each other. Chanhee caught up to him by the cashew nuts, grabbing his belt loops and dragging him back.

“Don’t run away like you don’t know me!” Chanhee cried, laughing as Niel fought his hold.

“I don’t know you!” Niel laughed back.

“Hey, don’t do that.” Chanhee’s laugher faded instantly. “That hurts my feelings.”

Niel’s eyes narrowed. He looked into Chanhee’s face, lips still smiling despite his investigation.

“Liar,” Niel mumbled but kissed Chanhee to bring his bright expression back.

It worked. Chanhee immediately returned to beaming happiness. He gave Niel another kiss and they continued on to the deli.

They were always like this, off in their own little world and completely indifferent to the people around them. So much so that it took Niel two moments to realise the snarky voice he could hear was actually directed at them.

“Could you please tone down your affection. This is a public place.” The woman was glaring so hard Niel thought she might actually burst a blood vessel.

He blinked, standing by the deli fridges in shock. Chanhee tugged at his hand, the other hand pushing the trolley away from the woman. Niel didn’t move.

“No,” Niel said, bringing his iest expression out.

“I beg your pardon?” She snapped, blinking in shock.

“And so you should. Beg my pardon, I mean.”

Chanhee ceased tugging at Niel and came to stand slightly behind him once more.

“Who do you think you are?” Niel continued. His pulse was throbbing in his ears and his stomach jittered with poorly contained emotion. “I’m literally just doing my grocery shopping.”

“Yes! And groping each other is not the way to act in a grocery store!” The woman pointed a sweet potato at him. “There are small children here.”

Niel cast around the relatively empty deli for a small child. He spread his hands and pursed his lips at her. With twisted delight, he had caught sight of Minsu finally finished at the phone stand and catching them up.

“One; what small children? And two; who are you? The grocery groping police?” Niel tilted his head. “If you don’t like to see me and my boyfriends, don’t look, lady.”

“It’s unseemly! Your mother should be ashamed of you.” She was stepping back now. Niel knew he had her beaten.

“She already is. But it’s still none of your business.” Niel glared back at her.

“Let it go, baby,” Minsu’s voice rumbled. He seemed to have taken very quick stock of the situation.

The woman’s expression moved through several iterations, landing in shock and disgust as she took in Minsu’s words.

“Disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourselves.” She gaped, her voice was slightly breathy.

“Nah,” Minsu shrugged. He forcibly turned Niel away, all but frog-marching him off to the other end of the deli section.

Chanhee pushed the trolley, all signs of fun and playfulness gone. His expression was rainy as he waited to be served. Niel bit hard on the inside of his bottom lip and stayed quiet. Minsu placed a kiss on his cheek and moved to lay his arm over Chanhee instead.

He was simmering with righteous anger, he would be useless in comforting Chanhee. Minsu’s detached attitude was what Chanhee needed the most.

Niel gripped and ungripped his fists. He hated people like that. He hated them. Who did she think she was? Who thought they could comment on someone in a supermarket? He frowned at the cheeses in the window. They moved on, Chanhee now stepping away from Minsu and placing distance between the three of them. It only stoked Niel’s anger further. He pushed the trolley once more, scowling heavily at the contents.

Now Chanhee would pretend they weren’t together. He would try and defuse any more confrontations by pretending they weren’t a throuple. Niel growled below his breath, too quiet for anyone but himself to hear. They should not have to hide. They should not have to edit themselves because of what some random woman thought.

Minsu laid a hand on Niel’s arm. Niel sighed in a sharp burst but released his poor lip. He smoothed his expression out and placed his tongue between his teeth instead. They moved in silence, only speaking to discuss how much orange juice was left or whether they needed more soap for the bathroom.

With his ire fading, Niel was beginning to watch Chanhee with concern. He never responded well to homophobia. He was so unused to it, he had almost no armour against it. Niel had far too much, refusing to let any comment or look go unchallenged. Minsu was a happy medium, refusing to rise to a ridiculous bait but definitely not going to lie down and take anything thrown his way.

Chanhee was soft. Chanhee was sweet, and beautiful, and so precious to them. His family accepted Niel and Minsu as two more sons. They insisted on having them for at least 50% of the holidays and more if they could persuade them. Chanhee’s friends were artsy, theatre weirdos. The majority queer themselves and highly unconcerned by anything but landing a part. He was surrounded by loving, accepting, caring people. He was loving, caring and accepting. He was delicate. He was so easy to pierce with a stupid word or an unkind look.

The hardest part was once his illusion was shattered, Chanhee pulled away from them. They could not comfort him in public, it only served to make him more anxious and upset. He did not want to be touched for fear of the situation escalating. He did not like Niel responding to the comments, he preferred if they could just remove themselves.

Niel sighed. He couldn’t help going to battle for them. It was his nature. He loved them so fiercely, and no one should be allowed to question that. And so they were walking to the car in tense silence, his blood still boiling but a heavy weight of apprehension hanging around his neck.

“Are you OK?” Minsu asked as they backed out of the park.

Chanhee was in the front seat beside him, staring out the window. Niel watched his profile, eyes trying to catch any sign of his true emotions.

“I’m fine.” Chanhee gave a blank smile and turned back to the window.

“What did she say?” Minsu asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Chanhee’s voice was cold, cutting a wall of ice between them.

Niel gave a silent sigh and leaned back in his seat. Minsu nodded back. They saw this part of Chanhee so rarely they would not argue.

Fresh anger rose in Niel’s throat. He hated this so much. One stupid comment from one stupid woman had ruined their afternoon. An afternoon they were actually all together for and some stupid homophobe had to ruin it. He glared out the window. The sunny weather was chafing at his irritation, a perfect day wasted.

They carted their groceries to the apartment. Niel stood at the pantry and stacking what he was handed. Minsu came to a stop and wrapped Chanhee into his arms. He pressed several kisses to his face and mumbled something.

“I’m fine!” Chanhee snapped.

“Mm, you certainly sound it.” Minsu’s voice was easy.

“She was just some stupid woman.” Niel turned from the cupboard, looking at Chanhee.

“I know!” Chanhee fought his way from Minsu’s arms. “I just wish you knew that!”

Niel felt like he had been slapped. He blinked and rocked back on his heels a little.

“What?” He asked, too bewildered to make sense of the words.

“You!” Chanhee pointed, his eyes reddening. “Why do you always have to say something to them?”

Niel’s mouth dropped open. Minsu glanced between them but he remained silent.

“Why can’t you just let it go?” Chanhee cried, his brow heavily creased now. “Why do you always have to talk back to them?”

“What?” Niel said again. Hurt was leaking into his anger, burning at him like magma.

“You always argue with them. Can’t you just let it go?” Chanhee snatched something off the bench and strode toward the bathroom.

“No, Chanhee, I can’t!” Niel yelled after him. “I can’t just let it go. Because I shouldn’t have to just let it go because they shouldn’t be saying like that in the first place!”

“But people do!” Chanhee whirled around, angry tears on his face now. “People say anyway because that’s the world we live in!”

“ that world!” Niel threw his hands up. Anger was pumping through him now. “ that world and those people! I don’t care what they say!”

“But I do!”

“Why!” Niel knew he should calm down. He could see Minsu in the corner of his eye grimacing at him.

“Because I’m a normal, ing human being, Daniel!” Chanhee shouted back. “Because one day you’re going to pick a fight you can’t win! And I’m going to be there…”

“So I should just lie down and let them say that to you? To me or Minsu?” Niel gestured at their silent party. “Because maybe someone will throw a punch? In a grocery store?”

“Niel.” Minsu’s voice held a warning.

“This isn’t about that, Chanhee! This is about you being ashamed of me!” Niel watched the impact of his words, the flinch in Chanhee’s features as they struck.

“How can you say that to me?” Chanhee’s voice broke. “I’m trying to protect us.”

“So am I!” Niel’s throat felt as though it tore with how loud he yelled the words.

“That’s enough.” Minsu stepped in properly. He crossed to where Chanhee was stooped and pulled him to his chest.

Niel pressed his lips hard, anger still pumping through his blood. He gave a short shake of his head and crossed to the apartment door. He grabbed his phone and keys and stormed out. He didn’t bother waiting for the elevator but stomped down the stairs and into the last of the afternoon sun.

Feet thumping hard into the pavement he headed for the park. He was almost ready to explode with how angry he was. The naivety of Chanhee grated against him until he was raw. The helpless thought that if they did nothing to fight back they would be less likely to be rejected.

Niel swiped at his cheeks. His ankles ached with how hard he was slamming into the ground.

It was so easy for Chanhee. It was so easy for everyone to love him.

A sob caught him off guard, shortening his breath a moment before he tried to push the emotions away.

Niel gave a low noise of anger. He crossed to an empty bench and threw himself onto it. He chewed at his cheek.

Chanhee was lying. It wasn’t about staying safe, it was about escaping. It was about the unpleasant feeling of being ‘othered’. Chanhee was so unused to it that he felt it so deeply he would do anything to stop the feeling.

Niel wiped his tears away again. He drew his knees to his chest and glared harder.

“Must be nice,” he mumbled to himself. It must be so nice to live like that. Niel gave a sniff and blinked his tears away.

His phone buzzed in his hand. Niel checked the contact. Minsu.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Are you alright? Where did you go?” Minsu sounded strained.

“I’m just at the park. I need some time out.” Niel sounded dead in his own ears.

“Come home when you’re ready.”

“Mm.” Niel hung up.

His mouth twisted. He wasn’t really mad at Minsu, Chanhee was definitely the one that needed him in that situation.

Niel laid his cheek on his knees and sighed. His anger got the better of him, he regretted what he had said. Yet, he was so hurt that Chanhee had even said anything. That he was the bad guy in the whole situation. It cut him deeper than he had thought possible. He had only been trying to protect them. He had been trying to fight for them.

Niel sniffed once more, wiping his tears on the knees of his jeans. He sank into his thoughts.

The world moved on around him until the streetlights winked on and the sky turned purple with twilight. With a heavy sigh, Niel unfolded himself from the bench and wandered home again.

=====

This is about you being ashamed of me!

Chanhee sobbed into Minsu’s chest, the hurt and fear pouring from his eyes and nose. He cried hard enough to rock his whole body and pull loud sobs from him. Minsu merely held him, arms ateady and strong around him.

Slowly, the pain subsided. His tears leaking sluggishly and his sobs just small hiccoughs. Chanhee gave a shuddering sigh and stopped altogether.

“Feel better?” Minsu asked quietly.

“Barely.” Chanhee’s voice was hoarse. “Where do you think he went?”

“Probably just to get some air.” Minsu sighed and stepped back from Chanhee a little. “I need to check on him.”

Chanhee nodded and crumpled onto the couch. How could Niel have said that to him? How could he think he was ashamed of them? He wasn’t ashamed.

He was scared. Chanhee was terrified that one day it wouldn’t just be an argument of words. He was terrified of the day Niel would fight back and be beaten to death. Was that so unreasonable? Was that so bad that he deserved such harsh words thrown at him?

His skin crawled as he thought of that ignorant woman. The cruel look in her eyes as she saw them. The disgust. Chanhee curled up on the couch and hugged his knees. He hated this feeling. He hated everything. How could Niel have said that to him?

“He’s at the park.” Minsu had returned.

Chanhee finally saw that his usual kind expression was transformed to stone. Minsu sat on the floor, out of Chanhee’s reach and staring at him hard.

“He’ll come home when he’s calmed down,” Minsu said. He continued to stare at Chanhee.

It made Chanhee want to shrink away. His own irrational words coming back to him.

“Would you like to talk to me about what happened?” Minsu was asking, but there was no question and no options.

“We were just shopping. This woman said…” Chanhee sighed and sat up properly. He didn’t even remember what she said. “I don’t know. She said something about us being in public.”

Minsu nodded.

“Niel talked back at her.” Chanhee pressed his fingers to his throbbing temples. “She argued with him. He shut her down and then you arrived.”

“OK.” Minsu nodded again. His severe expression was still in place.

“I just don’t see why he has to argue with them.” Chanhee tried to crack Minsu’s exterior, it was prickling at him with disapproval. “Why does he have to argue the point? Why can’t he just walk away?”

“Maybe he sees arguing as the best way to defend against it,” Minsu replied softly. “Or perhaps he can’t argue with the people that actually matter, so he argues with everyone else.”

Chanhee froze, his own self-pity coming to a screeching halt at Minsu’s words.

“I think maybe he tries to change people’s minds because he’s been directly affected by mindsets like that.”  Minsu was giving Chanhee no room to hide, his eyes profound as they fixed on him.

“I didn’t think of it like that,” Chanhee whispered. He drew his knees up once more, peeking over them at Minsu.

“I didn’t think you had.” Minsu sighed and rubbed his jaw. “Niel has battles to fight. But the thing is, I don’t think he’s fighting them for himself.”

Chanhee’s lip lifted a little at Minsu’s words.

“It scares me,” Chanhee whispered. “When he fights back, it scares me.”

“Why, darling?”

The pet name sent a small seep of relief through Chanhee. He couldn’t stand to have both of them mad at him.

“Because what if someone hurts him?” Chanhee was still whispering. “Why do we have to confront them?”

“Because if we don’t, who will?” Minsu moved onto the couch and wrapped an arm over Chanhee’s shoulders. “He fights so you don’t have to.”

“Why can’t the world just accept us for who we are?” Chanhee felt fresh tears rise. These ones stinging with sadness for Niel and everyone like him.

“Too much awesome, I guess.” Minsu sighed heavily and fell silent.

They stayed that way for a while, nothing but the silence and their own thoughts of the horrible state of the world. After some time, Chanhee sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. He looked around the apartment and sighed heavily.

“Should I go and talk to him?” He asked.

“Give him time. He’ll come back when he’s calmed down.” Minsu stood and sighed.

Chanhee nodded. He hated waiting.

=====

“— you hate to wait but he'll be home when he's ready,” Minsu said as Niel closed the apartment door behind himself.

Minsu was sitting on the couch, Chanhee curled into his chest. Niel stood in the entryway door, fresh hurt cutting into his hollowed heart. The anger was gone now, just the sharp stab of pain inside.

“I’m home,” Niel mumbled.

“Welcome home,” Minsu smiled at him sadly. He placed Chanhee on the couch and came to stand in front of Niel. After a long look into Niel’s evasive eyes, Minsu encircled him in a hug.

It soothed the stabbing a little. Niel took a deep breath and hugged Minsu back. When he pulled away, Chanhee was on his feet.

“Hi.” Chanhee’s voice was small and a little croaky.

“Hi.” Niel didn’t know how else to respond.

“How are you feeling?” Chanhee asked.

Minsu moved to the side, a referee once more.

“I’m here.” Niel didn’t want to lie his pain away.

“OK.” Chanhee nodded. “I’m sorry.”

Niel looked at Chanhee, letting all of his hurt rise into his eyes. Chanhee’s own filled with tears and he stepped through the distance between them.

“I’m sorry.” He wrapped his arms around Niel and held him tight.

“I’m sorry too,” Niel whispered. He pressed his face into Chanhee’s cheek. “I know you aren’t ashamed of me.”

“I know.” Chanhee gave a small sniff.

Niel didn’t know what to do. He had so much swelling inside, tender and bruised from their argument. Should he let it go? Should he just leave it to rest?

Arms came around him from behind, Minsu hugging him tightly as well. He drew Niel away from Chanhee slowly. With slow movement, Minsu pulled Niel to the couch and sat him down. He sat beside him and looked at him for a long time.

Chanhee shuffled over and sat on the floor in front of Niel, leaving space between them but looking up at him with wide eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Minsu prompted.

“What’s to talk about?” Niel replied. He rubbed his face, trying to hide from the eyes on him.

“Nielie,” Chanhee’s voice was soft. “I don’t like when you argue in public, because I’m so scared of what might happen.”

Niel’s lips twitched into a sad smile and fell once more. He slumped a little and nodded.

“I don’t mean to scare you.” Niel’s voice wasn’t responding the way he wanted. He was trying to say the words but the bruising inside seemed to have deadened his heart.

“I know.” Chanhee glanced at Minsu and then spoke again. “I was wondering if you would be OK to compromise?”

“Mm?” Niel blinked slowly.

“Perhaps, we could argue with ignorant people in well-lit fully populated places. But not in bars and dark streets.” Chanhee sounded so foolishly optimistic.

Niel gave a nod and sighed. His mind brushed the swollen bruising and he made to stand. Minsu placed a hand on his leg and kept him in place.

“Niel?” Minsu was prompting again.

“I’m just really tired.” Niel whispered. He was sagging against the exhaustion, sadness starting up in his heart once more. “I think I might sleep a while.”

He shook Minsu off easily. Niel moved to the bedroom, changed and slid beneath the light covers. He closed his eyes and sighed once more. It did not take long for someone else to slide in beside him. Niel was facing them, his eyes closed but he could smell Chanhee’s distinct scent. Fingers laced into his and held them in the dark.

Tears leaked onto the pillow but Niel kept his eyes closed.

The mattress sunk behind him as Minsu joined them. He merely sat, carding his fingers through Niel’s hair slowly. If either of them noticed his slight shaking sobs, they stayed silent and still.

“I ing hate homophobes,” Niel rasped into the darkness.

“Me too,” Chanhee replied. There was a shift and he could feel Chanhee’s breath over his wet cheek.

“Am I the bad guy for arguing with them?” Niel finally opened his eyes and stared at Chanhee. “Do I really make you more angry than they do? When I stand up for you is it really so bad?” Niel’s voice cracked. He took a shuddering breath.

“No.” Chanhee shook his head. He was crying again. “No. You don’t make me angry. I was wrong.”

They fell silent again. Minsu’s body shifting to spoon Niel, his warm breath washing through his hair now.

“Niel?” Chanhee asked softly.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I forget how much you’ve been through.” Chanhee reached out and shifted Niel’s hair from his eye.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Niel shrunk away inside, bumping the swollen hurt and giving a hitching breath.

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Minsu rumbled against his neck. “But one day, you should.”

Niel gave the saddest smile yet. He locked eyes with Chanhee.

“What is there to say? My parents chose to ransom their love against my uality. The two people that are supposed to give me unconditional love put the biggest condition on it.” Niel curled into Minsu’s arms and clutched at Chanhee’s hand. “What is there even to say about that?”

“That it ing .” Chanhee slid closer still, lying nose to nose with Niel. “It and they’re horrible people. But still your parents so it’s all twisted up inside.”

“Yeah.” Niel collapsed into tears. “ them.”

He was pressed into Chanhee’s body as Minsu held him. The swelling finally going down as he let the real hurt out. It seeped out of him like blood and pus.

Chanhee was whispering apologies over and over, mumbling things about his reactions and his words. Niel wasn’t listening. He was merely existing. He was nothing but the places Minsu was holding him. He was nothing but the places Chanhee was touching. He was nothing but hot tears and a sore throat. And when the tears were dry, he was a hollow husk.

“I love you, baby” Minsu whispered to him.

“I love you too,” Chanhee added. He kissed Niel’s face and squeezed him. “We’re not going anywhere.”

“Ever.” Minsu added. “No matter what.”

“I love you too.” Niel gave a long sigh and his body finally released. He sagged and sunk lower into the mattress. “You know why I fight them?” Niel drew away to look at Chanhee once more.

“Tell me.” Chanhee blinked slowly.

“I want to protect you so much from this.” Niel gripped Minsu’s hand in his own as he spoke. “You’re so wonderful and sweet and perfect. You don’t deserve this feeling. If I can do anything to protect you from this feeling, I’ll do it.” Niel took Chanhee’s hand in his as well.

“My fighter,” Chanhee smiled sadly. “Always protecting me.”

“It’s my job.” Niel smiled back.

There was a sad sigh. “Maybe that’s what I want to pull you away from as well. Maybe I don’t think you should wear that feeling for the three of us when we can just walk away.”

Niel gave a small laugh and nodded slowly.

“This is what you need me for,” Minsu said from the dark. “How much trouble would you get in without me.”

“What do you mean ‘would’ we already do.” Chanhee kissed Niel once more and leaned over him to kiss Minsu as well. ”I couldn’t do this without you two.”

“Today ,” Niel sighed and rolled onto his back. He kissed Minsu and snuggled against him. “Thanks,” he mumbled to him.

“I didn’t do much.” Minsu’s smile was coy.

“He’s lying.” Chanhee settled onto Niel’s chest. “He scolded me until I saw reason.”

“I didn’t scold you at all,” Minsu laughed. “I asked you a very pointed question until you stopped thinking about just yourself.”

“Same thing with you,” Niel and Chanhee chorused.

Minsu gave a bubbling laugh and sighed again.

“Are we all finished arguing?” Minsu asked, giving a yawn.

“I think so.” Niel kissed the top of Chanhee’s head.

“Then I am going to order pizza for dinner, because cooking.” Minsu pressed his lips against them one by one and climbed out of the bed.

Chanhee sighed and pulled himself onto his elbow over Niel. They looked at one another for a long time.

“I’m sorry.” Chanhee whispered.

“I forgive you. I’m sorry too.” Niel replied instantly.

“I forgive you.” Chanhee stared a while longer. “I really do love you. You’re amazing to me. So beautiful, so strong, so feisty. I love you.”

Niel gave a huff of laughter, he pulled himself up so they were level.

“I love you too.” He kissed Chanhee, soft and slow and sweet.

==========

A/N: Did you know they're called shopping trolleys here, not carts. #Straya.

Anyway, this chronologically occurrs quite a bit before Brother but I was testing the waters with Brother to see how angst went in this story. It was sad boy hours when I wrote this one. I really quite like the different dynamics of the three of them, especially calm and collected Minsu. Poor thing has to balance out far too much passion in the other two.

Hey, I love your faces, I hope your 2020 isn't too . I hope you're all safe and as happy as you can be in this weird time. I hope my silly writing is helping you feel a little better amongst all of this insanity. <3