tw: mentions of self-harm & suicide

three months later

wheein stares at the ceiling, listening to yongsun’s steady breathing beside her. she doesn’t know why she woke up so suddenly, a quick glance at her phone tells her it’s 2am. usually when yongsun is next to her she sleeps peacefully, but tonight has woken her up and she’s not sure why. she’s aware of the growing sense of loneliness inside her, although she rarely goes a day without seeing yongsun. even on the days that yongsun is busy or when they have different schedules, her childhood best friend, hyejin, will find a way to bother her in the middle of the day. wheein blames hyejin’s job for her odd hours seeing as the younger was a bartender and only had shifts during the night, leaving her afternoon free to pester wheein with whatever new activity or cafe she wanted to go to. 

wheein never quite understood how hyejin was always so motivated to go outside. if she had a choice, wheein would stay indoors everyday if possible, which was ironic because she was usually the one who had to drag yongsun out of her house. sure, wheein loved fun and liked spending time with her friends, but she could never understand the amount of energy hyejin had. her best friend seemed to go out every few days, while wheein would probably be at home, writing lyrics and trying to make new songs. 

she still remembers how yongsun had been amazed by her small studio in her house. she didn’t earn much, but she managed to save quite a sum of money from the past few years to transform part of her house into a studio. yongsun had delicately touched the guitars sitting on their stands and even got wheein to play a little bit of the drums for her. 

that memory makes her heart feel just a little less lonely tonight, but it doesn’t make her smile. she’s not sure what makes her smile anymore. yongsun sure does, however wheein can already tell it won’t last forever. she turns her head to look at yongsun, her hair falling down her face, although messy but still pretty. she remembers the days when they had first started going out, when she had fallen asleep in yongsun’s arms and had stared at her for almost a good hour. she remembers how she had smiled at the smallest things, the way she had never done before she met yongsun. 

she wonders what yongsun is dreaming of, or if she is even dreaming at all. she hopes yongsun’s dreams are a hundred times better than hers, for she would never want her lover to be tormented by the same demons that haunt her in her dreams. she wonders if yongsun knows. knows how wheein feels herself slipping away day by day, another little piece of happiness torn away from her unwillingly. she hopes yongsun never knows what this feels like, to be so empty inside. wheein reaches out a hand to push the hair away from yongsun’s face. 

“what woke you up?” wheein jerks her hand back, shocked by yongsun’s voice. 

“unnie! you scared me! since when were you up?” yongsun opens her eyes, switching on the nightlight on the bedside table, squinting as she does so. 

“since you started fumbling with the sheets trying to sleep,” 

“oh,” wheein says sheepishly. she hadn’t meant to make that much noise, she just wanted to go back to sleep. “i’m sorry i woke you up,” 

“it’s okay, i know you didn’t mean to,” 

“if you knew i was awake all this time, why didn’t you ask me what was wrong until now?” 

“i figured if you couldn’t sleep something was probably bothering you, and i shouldn’t pry,” yongsun smiles softly. “there will always be some things we don’t want to talk about with anyone, and i should respect that for you. these are the little things that make us strangers to each other, even if we know everything else about each other. you shouldn’t give me your everything, the same way i should treasure the parts of you that you’ve allowed me to see,” wheein thinks. yongsun understands. she respects that wheein isn’t perfect, that she will always be a little reserved and that there will always be a part of her that is hidden. 

“i think it’s too late to say that, unnie. i’ve already given you my everything, i can’t take it back now,” 

“you think you’ve given me everything of you, but you haven’t, because if you did, you wouldn’t have lay awake by yourself for half an hour,” yongsun reminds. “you know that i won’t pressure you into saying what’s on your mind, but just know that i’ll always be here to listen,” she smiles and kisses the top of wheein’s head, bringing the younger into her warm embrace. wheein is silent for a while, yongsun almost thinks that she’s gone back to sleep until she speaks again, her voice barely a whisper. 

“why do people pretend they’re fine when they’re not?” yongsun pauses before answering, having to think through her answer. 

“i don’t think there’s a specific answer to that,” yongsun says. “maybe they don’t want the people around them to worry, or maybe they don’t want to be seen as weak. maybe they do it because they think that if they pretend to be okay for long enough it’ll come true,” wheein listens closely, and even though all of those are valid reasons, she doesn’t think any of them are right. just like what yongsun said, there wasn’t a right answer to her question. everyone does it for their own reasons, she just needs to find her own reason for it. 

it wasn’t like she didn’t know she was falling back into the worse parts of her, she just didn’t want to let people in. i can’t last forever like this. not with yongsun. she realises, but she fears that it’s too late. it feels like yongsun already knows, she just doesn’t say it, because she knows wheein wouldn’t want to talk about it. it’s one of the many things wheein loves about yongsun, but sometimes she thinks about what it would be like if yongsun was less understanding, if she would ask wheein what was wrong. maybe then this wouldn’t be so hard for her to bear. maybe she could be better than she is now. yongsun’s words are left lingering in the silence for a few minutes, none of them speaking. 

“what does love feel like, unnie?” 

“i don’t know. i don’t think anyone knows, but to me it’s when i’m with you and i know there’s nothing better than the feeling of having you in my arms, hearing you laugh and being so lucky to be able to feel your kisses and be around you almost every day. to me, love is less of a feeling, but more of what you are to me. love is you.” 

“i don’t think i’ve ever been in love,” wheein breathes softly into yongsun’s hoodie. “but if being around you makes me happy the way i never was before i met you is love, then i think i can say that i’m crazy in love with you,” 

“when do you think you fell in love with me?” 

“from the day we met, when i looked up and saw you staring at me, then the train started moving suddenly and you lost your balance and almost fell flat on your face. in that moment, i thought you were adorable, although maybe a little clumsy, but it was what made you so cute and attractive. i think i fell in love then, without knowing that i did. i remember hoping and wishing that i would see you again the next day, not knowing the reason why i wanted to see you again but not thinking too much about it. i guess i didn’t realise because i didn’t know what being in love felt like, until i was in your arms. the way you would always hold me like you do now, where i know i’m safe and that you would never let go if you had a choice. where it feels like home, your warmth and comforting words and gentle touches after a hard day, it makes everything seem so much more beautiful. the whole world becomes colourful when i’m with you,”

yongsun’s eyes water, because she never would’ve thought wheein felt this way about her. she wants to tell her that she makes her feel the same way, but closes with emotion and all she can do is press a kiss to wheein’s head and hug her tighter, crying silent tears of happiness. 

one month later

“see you tonight!” yongsun calls over her shoulder as she waves hurriedly and rushes out of wheein’s apartment. maybe wheein should feel a little guilty that yongsun would probably be late to work thanks to her. she could be very persuasive if she wanted to, from cuddling for ten more minutes to the never-ending kisses she pressed on yongsun’s lips, it’s already fifteen minutes past the time yongsun was supposed to leave her apartment. 

wheein waves back, flopping onto the couch the moment she hears the door close. today was a rare day, she didn’t have any sets scheduled. she should be spending the day happily, she could be doing so many other things right now rather than laying here aimlessly. but she doesn’t have any motivation to move at all, she just wants to stay here until yongsun comes back, thinking about things that she hates thinking about, but they somehow make their way into her thoughts without her realising it. 

staring at the ceiling, knowing that she should get up and do something productive but not finding the energy to do so, she sighs deeply. she feels like this more and more lately, tired and exhausted even from doing nothing. she hates herself, for not doing anything about this, seeing it happen yet doing nothing to stop it. even if she doesn’t want to admit it, she’s giving up. some days she wonders how it would be like to end it all. besides yongsun, would anyone care? would anyone notice that she was no longer in the world? of course, with these thoughts come the tears of imagining yongsun grieving over her. she’s never seen yongsun cry, and she refuses to be the reason of yongsun’s tears. 

wheein forces herself to get up, picking up her guitar and strumming the chords to a song she heard recently, singing softly to herself. 

“i don’t deserve this

all in your arms

all your forgiveness

i don’t belong

i swear

i swear i’ll never leave again,” 

— i swear i’ll never leave again; keshi

she chuckles humourlessly to herself at how she thinks the lyrics are so perfectly fitting for her right now. she doesn’t deserve yongsun at all. 

when did she start feeling this way again? 

the first few months they spent together was pure bliss. wheein thought she finally knew what paradise felt like — yongsun’s warm touches and sweet kisses, her bright smile and pretty laughter. 

what changed? she hadn’t realised it until recently, that she just didn’t feel that way anymore. she still loved yongsun, more than she could ever express with words. but being in love and being happy were two different things. 

she used to think that as long as she was in love she would be happy. now she thinks that she was so foolish for once believing that. she’s not happy. she hadn’t been happy before she met yongsun, and even though she had been the happiest she could’ve ever been when they started going out, she’s not happy now, either. 

she was never good at commitment, often getting bored of things very easily, but she knows that she could never feel that way about yongsun. the countless nights she’s lay in bed, just thinking and trying to find out why she’s going back to how she was before she met yongsun, it puzzles her. why can’t she be happy even with an angel like yongsun beside her? 

setting her guitar to the side, she lays down and closes her eyes. warm tears streak down her face, she doesn’t want to cry. she doesn’t want to be this weak, she doesn’t want to have to love yongsun like this. yongsun deserves better than her. she, who is hopeless, who can’t make yongsun happy. 

as the sun sets over the horizon, she falls asleep under the pinkish hue cast by the sun on her apartment, the feeling of emptiness deepening. and she wishes it was easier to love someone. 

flowers in your hair now on our grave

a little bit of pressure’s all it takes

should’ve known we’d shatter

that we’d break, break

maybe i’m the one that we should blame

for never thinking we’d end up this way

i don’t need answers i need you to stay, stay 

— love die young | eric nam