tw: mentions of self-harm and suicide

the nearly empty road flies past as she drives through the dark night. to where, she doesn’t know. maybe back to her hometown of jeonju, for she hoped she could feel better there. the dim street lights seem to darken even more under this long night, even when the windows are rolled down. the once sparkling stars no longer seemed to shine like they once did. maybe it was because she wasn’t here to show her how beautiful the world could be. 

no. she shakes her head sharply, ridding her mind of the millions of thoughts of her. she regrets everything. maybe they could’ve done it together, but it’s too late to turn back now. she made her decision to do this herself, and she would follow through with it. even if it meant hurting the one person she loved the most. 

she’s not really sure what happened, or why it happened. she just thinks it did, without her knowing. things changed, and she did too. as the days went by with her, she felt more and more meaningless. what was the point of loving if one of them wasn’t happy? maybe she didn’t want to let go of everything that made her sad, because they were the only things that made her happy. 

her heart wrenches with every beat, her stomach twisting with guilt. her beautiful face streaked with tears, and in her eyes that held the universe in them, fresh tears fall at the mere thought of her. she gets lost in the overwhelming thoughts of her as she passes each street light with increasing speed. she pays no attention to the speed meter, her foot pressing harder against the pedal. 

she feels the rushing wind on her skin, drying her tears, feels it getting harsher and harsher as the speed meter exceeds a hundred kilometres an hour. she closes her eyes, her car speeding down the straight path. 

maybe she wanted this. 

maybe she wanted to feel it. to feel the crash, to feel flames her car, with her trapped in it. to feel pain, to feel anything but this emptiness that hollows her out. 

but her foot shifts to the brake at the last second, just enough to stop her car with a jerk right before a bend in the road. 

coward. 

she mocks herself, because she can’t even be brave enough to end her misery. she leans her head on the steering wheel, shoulders wrecking with sobs. she can’t do anything right, what’s the point in living if she’s meaningless? 

she’s so, so tired. she’s tired of trying again and again, only to be pushed all the way back to where she first started. she’s tired of pretending ; the smiles she forces through her pain, every day seeming to turn into her worst nightmare. she’s tired of living like this, so torn and shattered, doing the bare minimum to survive yet not finding joy in anything she does. 

she’s let yongsun down, left her without any notice. it breaks her heart, because she knows that far away from where she is, yongsun is blaming herself. she hates it, the way she can almost imagine yongsun when she closes her eyes, so heartbroken and so fragile. 

she screwed up, so badly. but she can’t fix it. how can she fix something that’s as broken as her? she and yongsun, it doesn’t exist anymore. them that had been happy, it’s a distant dream. 

she leans her head back on the headrest of her seat. she stops the tears, as if she could stop her heart breaking. as if she could stop yongsun’s heart from being broken. 

how she wishes she could bear yongsun’s pain, maybe then her precious soul wouldn’t have had to be broken by her. she was selfish. she was a coward. she wasn’t good for yongsun, even if yongsun was good for her. if it was tiring even for her to pretend everything was alright, she couldn’t imagine how exhausting it must’ve been for yongsun to always be there for her, to take care of her in the way she did. yongsun was pure, an angel. but she was poisonous, her darkness slowly taking over yongsun’s light a little by a little. 

maybe... maybe she didn’t have to crash and burn. what if there was another way out?

the next morning

the next time yongsun hears her name is on the news. 

found unconscious in her car along the road, the doctors couldn’t save her. 

she had inhaled a large amount of exhaust fumes. by the time they found her, it was too late. 

carbon monoxide poisoning. a suicide. 

the news program continues distantly in the background, but all she hears is the rushing of the blood to her ears. she can’t breathe. she feels so numb. a part of her wants to believe she didn’t do it. maybe it was just an accident. maybe she fell asleep while driving. she wishes she could say for sure that wheein would’ve never done that, but she realises she doesn’t know her at all. maybe she did give up after all. 

but she promised. 

she promised. 

how could she break it?

she promised she would get better. she said she would. and yongsun believed her. 

why’d she do it? 

yongsun sinks to the floor. she’s exhausted. she feels nothing, and she likes it that way. she won’t feel anything this way, and that’s good. she won’t feel the pain. 

it hurts, but it didn’t hurt like she thought it would. rather than feeling like she’s been stabbed a thousand and one times, she feels a dull ache. it pounds on her chest, on her heart, it closes up . it burns through her body, running in her veins. she sinks, deeper and deeper into the darkness. 

wheein wouldn’t have wanted this. she would’ve wanted her to live her life like how it was before they met. but she can’t go back in time, and she can’t pretend wheein never existed. 

so she doesn’t. instead, she lets herself be broken into pieces, lets her heart grief. she gives in to the thudding of her heart, feeling it get louder and stronger, feeling like it’s choking her. and even as her tears fall endlessly and as she gasps for breaths in between sobs, she remembers the girl she loved. the girl she loves. she remembers the way the sunlight shone on her, how beautiful she always looked. her precious soul, her forgiving heart. her honey voice, her chocolate eyes. her soft lips and her sweet kisses, her gentle caresses and her laughter. 

her everything, that had become yongsun’s everything. 

she swears she’ll never forget. she’ll love her until her last breath, for she’ll never get the chance to love her again. 

end.

between the time when the flowers bloom and scatter

scars heal and sprouts emerge

we live for this present moment,

the first and the last. 

that’s why i won’t take you for granted

because you love someone like me. 

i’m falling towards you

— fallin’ flower ; seventeen