♪ mamamoo - paint me ♪

 

 

two months later 

 

 to, yongsun unnie. 

the you who gave me a reason to live. 

 

hey, unnie. i promised that some day you’ll be the first to hear one of my own songs, right? i hope you still remember, because you can finally get to hear it. 

i made it for you, the you who showed me love, who made me happy. i guess this is my last gift to you. 

maybe this is selfish of me, but i’ve been thinking for the past six months. and maybe you noticed, but because you didn’t want to push me into talking about it, you didn’t mention it. but it doesn’t really matter now, because i think i know now. 

i can’t possibly make you happy when i’m not happy myself. i’ve been thinking, trying my best to figure out why i’m not happy. i don’t think there’s a reason for it, it’s just the way things are. and i’ve accepted that. 

even though i don’t find joy in many things now, i just want you to know that you made me happy, even if it was only for a few months. those few months were the best times of my life, i felt like i was in paradise when i was with you. i can’t explain the feeling, except that you made my heart warm. i still think of those days where i laughed and smiled so easily, and i wonder how i ever managed to do that. i guess i was falling in love back then, unknowingly but surely. 

i know you like to see me smile, and to hear my laughter, which is why i’ve been trying my hardest to be happy when i’m with you. but everyone breaks, and this is where i should stop pretending to be fine. 

i’m sorry i can’t make you happy anymore, and i’m sorry that i’m not happy. i have a lot of things to be sorry for, but you don’t need to see those words. listen to them instead, in the song i’ve made for you. 

i also want you to know that you’ve changed a lot in me, for the better. i hope you know that your kind words and gentle touches have made my life more worth living. so thank you, for showing me how beautiful love can be. 

i promise you i will try my best to get better, so don’t worry about me. i hope after i go you can keep smiling and laughing like you always do. i hope you can always be happy and that you wake up every day knowing you are loved and appreciated. 

i swore to myself that i would never be the reason for your tears, because i have never seen you cry and the mere thought of it makes my heart ache in the worst ways possible. i would tell you not to cry, but even as i am writing this now, my hands are trembling and i can barely stop the tears. even if you do cry reading this, at least i’ll know that you’ll still be beautiful when you cry. 

from now on, i give you everything of me, even though you told me not to. you have all of me, my heart, my soul, even my pain. i’m giving you my everything so i hope you can be happy. 

i didn’t say it much when we were together, but i love you. 

i love you, and everything of you. 

— wheein. 

 

“one layer, two layers, getting painted

here and there, getting engraved

keep painting me.”

 

her hands shake as her world and everything that was in it crumbles. 

 

“white, me without you back then

i was white as a canvas

i was lonely

but it was peaceful, always.”

 

the memories of her smile and laughter. the ones that once brought her so much joy, now breaks and tears her already shattered heart. 

 

“yellow, when you suddenly came to me

suddenly, in my heart

a spring-like warmth

came inside, naturally.”

 

she doesn’t want to believe it’s real. it’s not it’s not it’s not she repeats in her mind, until she can’t pretend any longer. 

 

“one layer, two layers, getting painted like watercolours

here and there, getting engraved like a tattoo

every spot you pass by gets coloured

with a different colour memory

thicker and thicker, like the black night.”

 

the memories of her clear as day, of her sweet kisses, her soft hands, her sparkling eyes. she misses it all. 

 

 

“keep painting me

with more memories

hurry and paint me

with only your scent

so it can’t be erased

so no one else but you

can draw in my heart.”

 

ripped out and torn apart, shredded to pieces, yet still filled with so much love. even if she wants to, her heart can’t bear to hate her. 

 

“red, the moment you hotly hugged me

my heart exploded like a volcano

a red mark is left in my heart

it’s still warm.” 

 

her soothing voice, her bright smile, her soft caresses. she misses it all. she wishes she could turn back time to when she was still here, beside her. 

 

“blue, the first time i cried because of you

like an ocean with an unknown depth

it was drawn so blue

do you remember?”

 

she’s not gone, she’s not gone, she’s not gone. she repeats, but she’s not coming back. she’s gone. the little spark of hope in her flickers, and dies. she left, just like that. 

 

“one layer, two layers, getting painted like watercolours

here and there, getting engraved like a tattoo

every spot you pass by gets coloured

with a different colour memory

thicker and thicker, like the black night.”

 

she thinks of her, of the day they first met, of the first time they kissed. the tears and sobs do nothing to ease the pain as all she can hear is her honey voice singing the lyrics, and if she listens closely, she can hear her voice filled with emotion, slightly shaking as she holds back tears. and she can almost imagine her back in her apartment, singing this song for her. 

 

“keep painting me

with more memories

hurry and paint me

with only your scent

so it can’t be erased

so no one else but you

can draw in my heart.”

 

she stares at the picture of them, blissfully happy. slowly, the picture blurs as tears fill her eyes once more. 

 

“it’s alright if it turns blacker and blacker

our memories

it’s getting thicker and thicker, like espresso.”

 

“still keep painting me

don’t stop

without you, it’s pointless

fill me up

so there’s no empty spaces

only you are my painter.” 

 

“i love you,” she breathes. “wheein.” she mumbles her name as if it were a sacred word. her name she has become so used to calling. her name that once used to bring so much happiness, now brings pain. 

she thinks of them, trying her best to recall if something ever went wrong somewhere. she couldn’t have just left because she wasn’t happy, there must’ve been something she didn’t tell her. right? 

but she’ll never know what wheein was truly thinking, and she’s only realised this now. wheein never shared much about herself, only allowing yongsun to see and understand the first few layers of her. she was a deep person, one with many layers, and she had only shown yongsun the ones of happiness and joy. but underneath all that, she could’ve been in pain the whole time and yongsun wouldn’t have known at all. 

because wheein was so stupidly selfless. so very loving and caring, that she would rather suffer alone in silence than share her pain. she and her heart that was too big for this world, she deserved so much better. in such a cruel and harsh world of reality, she still had hope. hope to love. she gave them a chance to love, and that was so unbelievably brave of her. 

yongsun doesn’t blame her for leaving. she could never. but she wishes wheein knew that they could’ve done it together. they could’ve gotten through it together, the two of them. yet now wheein is alone, somewhere, yongsun will never know where, and the thought of that haunts her. wheein, alone and hurting, trying her best to get better like she promised she would. it scares her more than anything else. 

 

i don’t know how to live without you, everything feels so wrong when you’re not here. how can i live when i’ve lost you, the reason i wake up every day and the reason i’m happy? 

 

yongsun misses the warmth of her body against hers, the cold empty space now too much to bear. her world has shattered without her, yongsun’s arms missing the small frame of her body in her embrace. 

 

 

“as if nothing happened, i told myself that this is all a dream. 

when i close my eyes and open them again, i wanted to wake up in relief. 

our future that didn’t line up

if i could go back in time

rather than roughly, but warmly,

would i be able to let you go?

when we weren’t over,

as i held onto whatever was left,

you let go of me as i refused. 

although i don’t want to see you, i miss you. although i hate you, i miss you. 

i don’t understand myself as well. 

 

this waiting, it’s not easy to endure. 

our future that was forgotten at some point, 

and that i thought of it as nothing much can only be seen as futile and sad. 

it’s not that i want to forget you. 

 

we were happy when our conversing hearts were piled up. 

you, who isn’t with me anymore. 

although i don’t want to see you, i miss you. although i hate you, i miss you. 

 

in the end, what kind of future will come to us?

even if the heavens don’t give us an answer,

i am quite foolish, i realised i can’t ever know.”

— woozi ; what kind of future

 

 

 

 

A/N: hello i finally updated wow > < this took way too long to finish bc the school year started again and i’m even busier now :< but don’t worry this isn’t the last chapter i know it’s probably confusing right now but i promise things will be explained in the next chapter !! thank you for reading up till now and for being patient w updates,, also for subscribing/upvoting/commenting and i guess i’ll see yall in the next one (⌒▽⌒) have a great day/night! <3