Love is Fickle

OKAY

/ˌōˈkā/

used to express assent, agreement, or acceptance.

Who do you think, I am?

I'm Kim Heechul!

It's a rainy morning after work, another day to lose my senses. I had never been a fan of rains, it's like hard times that brings strong storms that blow against your mind and body. It tears away all but the essential parts of you that cannot be torn, so that afterwards you'll see yourself in a reality, without the needless attachments and crutches you've been holding to.

Moments like this makes me feel the need to be with you.

A few days went by and as I presumed, I didn't hear from you. This time and again you said it's work. Funny, we have the same job description but why is it that yours consist of pleasing everybody.

"Hey, want to come over tonight?."

Why is always me who have to ask?

"Sorry, I have dinner with the production team"

And of course, it is also me who gets rejected. This happens everyday and counting the days felt excruciating. Frankly, why are you always missing when I need you the most? I swear for love of someone mighty, this is the last Park Jungsoo.

"Should we eat dinner together?"

I decided to have a wager. If you reject me one more time, I'm leaving you.

"Sorry, I have dinner with the radio team"

What did I even expect from you.

Forget it, I'm never gonna be thrown away, I should be the one throwing you instead.

"I love you, Heechul!"

With that said, I can't give up. I have loved this man for so many years and with him being gone I feel like I'm being crippled. Why did we become like this, where did we start drifting away from each other?

What have I done wrong!

"Let's break up!"

You have issues, Internal struggles with yourself, external issues with everyone around you ­and it weighs you down all the time. I never have held that against you and have loved you just as much but the struggles you faced made it impossible for you to look at me the way you think you do and the way I needed you to. Despite of all the fights and the petty disagreements of our differences, I stayed.

So, why?

"Okay"

I loved you blindly, I loved you without restrictions and I did it without any precautions. I loved you deeply. In my head, I knew we could have been better. I wanted to dream of a future with you. I believed in you. I trusted my whole life to you, I would have, and did do, anything just for you.

And it pains me that, I've reached a point where okay is the only word left for me to say.

Three years later, I'm still trying to look for what I'm looking for, long before you actually ended it with me, which still hurts me more than you could ever know. I still can't believe my only friend, the only person I need and the only person who can make me happy had left a part of me broken eventhough you're still physically here infront of me, smiling like how you used to be.

But that's life sometimes.

I know that.

"Teukie, I heard you got hospitalized?"

Yes, I know everything about you. I kept myself updated because hell knows how much I can't keep myself away from you.

"Yes"

"Is it really bad?"

"We're getting old and it's just part of it."

Just how long have I stayed into pieces with this broken heart, that being old and well sounded so dreamy.

"I know but I'm worried about you."

I can feel my eyes swelling and I still don't know how to handle this, even if everything about us felt ancient already. Why is it that, even if I have thousand of people around me, no one had ever made me felt happy like you do. From the past until now, It's you. It's just you.

"I'm okay."

I'm not okay, Jungsoo. I was never okay

.

"Okay"

It's been three years and you've come in and out of my life so frequently, breaking bits and pieces of me more and more each day. You tell me you're happy, and I know it's a lie.

Stop lying to me, Park Jungsoo.

No matter how long it takes, I'll give you time to come back to me, I'll give you space and I will continue offering you my loving arms to return to. I know it's not something you would consider, you were too busy doing fun and easy things on your own but I know I'm the only person in this world that deserves you.

"Is that, Shimkoong?"

It's me, isn't it?

"Yes"