Love is Fickle

I have killed a man. People might have not known this about me and I am not tryting to confess; It's a fact. I do not feel remorse nor regrets. I'm not even going to try to hide the truth. I have no regrets about doing it. Because as you tried your best to kill me, I had felt the same thing as you did.

I know that you might have been suffering and that for sure I was aware but the time I had spent with you was all cries, agony and despair. The curses and spiteful words we share and the moments you trampled the little dignity I had left, I endured it. I did my best and endured everything.

Three years ago, In my perfectly build confidence I had started working with you, as your leader. As your support and your only friend. As much as I only have you as my support, I had done a pretty good job to stay in between your thin and your thick with a stupid unwavering smile on my face.

"I only have you as my friend, I miss you Jungsoo"

You cried my name when you're sad, happy and even on every exciting experiences you had been. While I watch you have fun with new encounters in your life, I had been building a world with just you and me.

Stupid, I know.

You are the only one for me.

It's you, who first said your I love you. It's you, who first leaned on me for our first kiss. It's you, who had made it possible for our beginning. And it's you, who first to look away.

Ever since things didn’t turn out as we planned, you know that you're the only one for me. I shut the world and pushed people away and you were the only one who would made me feel better and never failed to make me laugh. But you have troops who you share your night away while I have my white walls in my room accompanying me while I spend my time thinking of you.

You are always bold, smart and cunning for your own good. I think it's all about your smile. Your smile that gives me strength but it makes me weak at the same time. And yes, It is that same smile that makes me fall in love with you all over and over again.

Why is love so fickle?

Why are you so fickle, Kim Heechul?

"Hey, should we watch a movie after work?"

I asked sincerely excited.

"Sorry, Jungsoo I made plans with some friends. Maybe next time?"

"But, I bought the most hateful thing in this world just for tonight?"

"Shut up, Jungsoo. Don't force yourself to drink alcohol. You know, I don't like forcing people to drink!"

"But, I can do that much for you!"

"Next time, okay?"

Honestly, is there a next time in one of the calendars that has been made in this world and I had failed to know of it's existence? Or maybe the great Kim Heechul made it standard because it's always been next time for us.

"Let's break up."

I thought those words had never existed in me but I blurted it out like I planned it to be.

"Okay"

Okay?

"Okay"

My okay is for you to stop me, look at me, hug me, kiss me and make all these sedate pain away.

But, your okay was to let me go.

How do every lone warrior survived this feelings?

I have nothing left in me because he used to be my everything. Sleep and work, I told myself so many times because sleeping is no longer means rest and working is no longer tiring for me.

It's something that I do in order to escape reality. Something that is not even easy for me. Lying down in my bed, staring at my walls, drowning in the ocean of my dreary thoughts.

I' am seeking for a relief.

"Teukie, I heard you got hospitalized?"

"Yes"

It has been three years and I'm still next to you, holding my heart so tight because I'm afraid it might fall apart.

"Is it really bad?"

"We're getting old and it's just part of it."

"I know but I'm worried about you."

Kim Heechul, I had never even cried on the day we broke up because I could not bear to see that kind of look in your face.

"I'm okay."

"Okay"

Yes, smile more Kim Heechul. Smile and stay where I can see you.

Because I had killed it.

I killed the man in me who dreams to be with you. I killed my heart to stand on the same ground as you and I had killed my hopes and dreams as long as I do not lose a sight of you. It might be a fallacy for you but for me it's the only thing that keeps me alive.

"What are you naming her?"

I had been having divided thoughts about this and I had decided to take care of this pretty living creature made of ball of fluff with a milky skin that reminds me of you.

"Shimkoong"

Like this, I will never forget the moments I had felt my heart beating just for you.

"Kongie, let's go home?"