Hi, Yongsun-ssi. This is Eunji, Chorong-unnie’s sorority sister. I’m texting to apologize for Saturday. It wasn’t my intention to disrespect you in any way. I’m really sorry about that and hope you can find it in yourself to accept my apology.

She read it once. Read it twice. Cleared her eyes of the sleep still lingering there. Chanced a glance up from her screen to make sure that Wheein across from her and Byulyi next to her were still engrossed in their conversation, then read the message a third time.

And still, Yongsun had no idea what the Eunji was talking about.

Eyebrows furrowed, the graduate student’s brain rumbled to a start, groaning all the while as she pushed it to its limits by pulling up a comprehensive play-by-play of Saturday’s celebration. The difficulty came not from challenges remembering what happened that day—she was completely sober for the show that was Chorong’s birthday party—but from it currently being so early in the morning.

Well, relatively.

It was a few minutes past 11:00 AM, which was hours later than Yongsun’s days typically started, but being so accustomed this semester to slowly easing into her Mondays—she had no class or work that day—jolting awake for a breakfast she knew nothing about was laborious. No one told her anything, all she knew was that Byul shook her awake half an hour ago with a dry, “Aren’t you going to get ready for breakfast with Wheein?”

“What breakfast with Wheein?” A drowsy Yongsun croaked as she rolled over in Byulyi’s comforter. It didn’t go without notice that the athlete was already fully dressed for the day, now busying herself with packing her royal-blue, SNU-branded Nike bookbag.

“The breakfast that starts in about 30 minutes,” the announced after checking the time on her phone.

“No one told me about that,” Yongsun replied dismissively. Already snuggled and comfortable in the sheets, she’d long decided on going back to sleep and leaving Byulyi and Wheein to some alone time. Hyejin had class all day, Yongsun knew. It wouldn’t be the worst thing ever if she bowed out, too.

“I just told you about it. Get up.”

“Leave me alone!” The quiet room was instantaneously filled with Yongsun’s shrieks as Byulyi purposely, playfully, and annoyingly pulled at the sheets and cover wrapped around her. For as much as the younger woman preached their punctuality, she wasted more than enough precious time antagonizing Yongsun. The two bickered for at least five minutes before Byulyi eased up.

“Yongsun, get up,” Byulyi added some bass to her voice, no doubt an attempt to sound stern, but the poorly concealed smile fixed on her face gave her away.

“Byul-ah, I’m tired.” That was the truth.

After the hellish week she had last week and the long night out on Saturday, the exhaustion Yongsun swallowed down before came back with a vengeance, gnawing at her very being and settling in her bones. Byulyi, who also went out on Saturday, with her teammates though, suggested the two enjoy a lazy Sunday together at her place, which they did. Save for using the bathroom and eating dinner—they slept through lunch—, Yongsun and Byulyi did not leave the athlete’s oversized bed. Hours were a blur, time fleeting as the young women preoccupied themselves with each other. Lips tenderly grazed above the sheets while, beneath them, legs tangled and pads of fingers cautiously caressed hips, and stomachs, and, and, and. Moments of intimacy morphed into cuddling, then napping. They told stories about their Saturdays and “watched” dramas on Byulyi’s laptop, both pretending to pay attention until one of them caved and initiated more kissing and light touching. All in all, a restful day that reminded them both of the potential they held, the peace and calm that came when things between them were good.

Yongsun hoped that the warmth of the day prior would carry over into Monday, but alas, it was back to reality where sleeping in was nothing but sand slipping between one’s fingers, never firmly within grasp.

Upon hearing her plea moments ago, Byulyi’s features softened, as did her voice. “Let’s just get breakfast and then you can come back and sleep, okay? We’ll get you a to-go container so you can bring back some food for later. How does that sound?” Standing bedside, the younger woman leaned over, the mattress dipping slightly when she rested her forearms on it, her face hovering not too far from Yongsun’s. “Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?” With each ‘hmm?’ Yongsun smiled as Byulyi drew nearer until finally pressing a chaste kiss to the older’s lips.

The pattern continued, Byulyi repeatedly asking ‘hmm?’ before leaving a peck on Yongsun’s mouth. It took the blonde back to their earlier days of playfulness with no heaviness hampering things—sans the kissing, of course.

“I don’t have any clothes,” she thought out loud as Byulyi finally walked away. She arrived at the athlete’s apartment on Sunday morning in her nightgown, sweatpants, and UGG boots, fully prepared for a sleepover.

“Wear some of mine.” It was stated so casually.

Yongsun had a handful of Byulyi’s sweaters at her apartment that she wore, but that was around their apartments. Not in public where other people would see. Either Byulyi didn’t realize the larger implications of her words or she didn’t care.

“None of your clothes fit me,” Yongsun stalled. “I can go to my place and grab something.”

“Yongsun, we don’t have time for that. I’ll give you a shirt and a plain hoodie so that no one knows it’s mine.” The older woman’s blood ran cold at the statement, skin warm at the realization that Byulyi knew the true underlying reasons behind her hesitance. “You can borrow a coat, too. The meal with Wheein is only going to last for a couple of hours so you can go and come right back and rest afterward. How does that sound?” Throughout it all, Moonbyul was zipping around her bedroom, collecting this from her desk and grabbing that from her closet, as if she had only mentioned something as innocuous as the weather. The nonchalance about acknowledging what she just acknowledged planted shame in the pit of Yongsun’s stomach. She liked Byulyi a lot, and that was very much an understatement. They were great when it was just the two of them and were fine around their close friends. But something about having strangers involved in their relationship made the graduate student uncomfortable.

She and Byulyi were still slowly ironing out the many kinks in what they had going, and anxiety welled up at the thought of trekking through all of that messiness, but Yongsun was willing to do it. She wanted to do it. What she did not want or need for them was an audience to play everything out in front of. For her, the smartest move was to handle things in-house before making a decision later on how they wanted to let those outside of their intimate circle of friends know what the deal was between them.

It didn’t mean she was ashamed in any way of Byulyi and it turned her stomach at the possibility of Byulyi ever thinking that.

“I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I just don’t want people gossiping about us. That’s all.”

“I got news for you,” Byul approached the bed once more, “they already do,” she whispered conspiratorially, soft laughter following. “And they say some pretty wild things . . .”

They’d been friends for almost two years now. Yongsun assumed there were some whispers about her and Byulyi. But she also knew that Byul liked to antagonize her and was possibly hamming things up intentionally.

She took the bait, nonetheless. “What do people say?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Byul-ah,” Yongsun sat up, her words hitting the other woman’s back as she walked away. “What do people say?”

“Nothing.”

“Byulyi. Stop. I hate when you do this.”

“They don’t say anything,” Byulyi spoke out as she ruffled through one of her drawers on the opposite side of the room.

“Byul. You’re pissing me off now.” Honestly, it was probably better off if Yongsun didn’t know what types of stories people made up about her, but it irked her beyond belief that Byulyi was being annoying about keeping this secret from her, so now she wanted to know.

“Okay, okay! I’ll tell you. They say . . . get dressed and go brush your teeth!” A blur of grey material briefly entered Yongsun’s line of vision before hitting her face with a thud. A packaged toothbrush landed not too far from her moments later.

Only one of them considered themselves an athlete, but any witnesses would have given Yongsun credit for her efficient motions as she hopped out of the bed and chased Byulyi down. The younger managed to escape though, exiting the room and holding onto the doorknob, preventing Yongsun from opening the door.

“You’re an !”

“Get dressed!” The muffled words traveled through the door, but the giddiness was impossible to miss.

It pissed her off to do so, but Yongsun eventually gave in and listened to Byulyi’s command—if they were late, Wheein wouldn’t care the reason, she’d be annoyed at the both of them.

Most of the walk over consisted of Yongsun ignoring a faux apologetic Moonbyul, but they made it to the Food Court in decent time, reaching the entrance just as Wheein was arriving. Yongsun grunted a greeting that Wheein laughed at, and from then on, the younger women fell into a conversation of their own. Yonsgun’s plans to eavesdrop and slip into the discussion at an appropriate time were halted, though, because the message from Eunji buzzed against the confines of the sweatshirt Yongsun was now swimming in.

Hi, Yongsun-ssi. This is Eunji, Chorong-unnie’s sorority sister. I’m texting to apologize for Saturday. It wasn’t my intention to disrespect you in any way. I’m really sorry about that and hope you can find it in yourself to accept my apology.

Nothing special happened on Saturday. Not for Yongsun, at least. From the moment she arrived at the restaurant—not the upscale one owned by Hodong’s brother that their group typically frequented for such celebrations, but one that a sorority sister of Chorong’s secured at the least minute by happening to know someone that knew someone that knew someone happy to do the favor if said sorority sister gave him her number—sloppiness ensued. They were lucky enough to have a section in the back of the establishment to themselves, but it wasn’t the private room she was accustomed to. The group, which had even more people than anticipated, started with shots and never stopped. Yongsun, who needed a break from alcohol after her birthday the previous weekend, took it upon herself to coordinate with Insoo on the dishes they should order, but no one else in their immediate group paid the food much mind other than the two of them— Chorong’s friends preferred drinking; Hodong and Changsub reveled in the rare occurrence of being surrounded by more women than men.

There were seriously so many of Chorong’s sorors. Fifteen to be exact. And with some of them ignoring Insoo’s explicit ask to not bring additional people, they and their acquaintances accounted for almost 70% of the party. This was, of course, before some of them roamed the restaurant, mingling and returning with random men and women that were all too happy to poach free food and drinks. It was . . . an event. One that Yongsun gladly stayed out of the way to watch.

Being sober during a party of that nature was an experience. Comfortable in one of the corners, the graduate student ate and people-watched, dancing in her seat when the restaurant’s sound system sometimes broke through the wall of conversations that wafted throughout the packed establishment. She occasionally left her spot when Chorong would animatedly call her over to make an introduction to people from her past, but for the most part Yongsun didn’t venture too far, socializing only with whichever partygoers would stumble over.

About an hour into the “dinner”, Jinyoung showed up. He made his way through the ever-growing crowd, greeting people here and there before noticing Yongsun in the corner and parked himself next to her. From what he told her, he was the designated driver for Changsub and Hodong and, thus, would not be drinking. Insoo was busy keeping tabs on Chorong so Jinyoung was the only other sober person Yongsun knew. She welcomed the company.

That was how the rest of her evening went.

Given their history, Yongsun regarded Jinyoung as more an acquaintance than anything else, but that night, they forged a tenuous friendship. Their limited encounters since breaking up always felt to her like drinking a thick milkshake through a cocktail straw—difficult to get through. A strain. Unnecessary.

But that night was different. Jinyoung was fun and funny! If Yongsun reached far back enough into the recesses of her mind, she was certain she could find other instances of him being enjoyable. It was just that that felt like eons ago. So much between those pleasant memories and Saturday clogged her brain with stilted impressions of her ex, but their time together that night reminded her that he was a good guy.

They sat together, a respectable distance apart, talking and judging everyone else for most of the night. And there was plenty to judge. Several people—Changsub among them—sneaking off with someone in tow to “get some air”, drinking games, harmless, but loud arguments about what actually happened years ago during rush period and why one of the sorors present almost got dropped. A cacophony of high-pitched voices competing for the crown of most high-pitched. Just . . . a lot going on.

There came a point in the evening where she and Jinyoung separated for a while. Yongsun didn’t worry herself with paying attention to where he went and why, too concentrated on safely making it through the mass of flailing arms so that she could pass on the birthday wishes that Byulyi texted. Chorong’s birthday wasn’t until Wednesday, but the athlete seemed to have a better understanding of Chorong by now and knew the “birthday girl” would expect well-wishes that weekend, Wednesday—her actual birthday—, and the following weekend when she had additional celebrations planned.

Chorong made a show about “her girl” wishing her happy birthday before obnoxiously bragging about Byulyi’s athletic achievements to everyone clustered around her. That inevitably devolved into a discussion among those present on how Chorong couldn’t mean “the” Moon Byulyi because “that” Moon Byulyi was this, that, and the third. Yongsun stayed around only long enough for her roommate to clarify that she did, in fact, mean “the” and “that” Moon Byulyi. “She’s clean,” Chorong declared with conviction, sounding far from the intoxicated mess she actually was. No one dared to challenge her on that, the conversation moving on to more trivial topics afterward. Yongsun moved on, too. The blonde returned to her “spot”, enjoying the continued chaos on her own for another 10 minutes before Jinyoung returned.

That was Yongsun’s Saturday. Enjoyable and, against all reason, calm.

Before the party, Chorong showed Yongsun pictures of a select few sorority sisters, Eunji included. As such, Yongsun knew going into things what Chorong’s friend looked like, but other than seeing the younger woman milling around the restaurant with friends, she did not interact with Eunji. It was still confusing, then, to have received such an overwhelmingly apologetic text message at 11:00 AM.

“Hey,” Byulyi gently nudged Yongsun’s right shoulder with her own. “You okay?”

The graduate student slowly looked up from her phone, mind still on the message but mouth moving automatically to reassure the woman beside her. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure,” Yongsun managed a smile.

“The two of you are cute but please don’t flirt while I’m around.”

“We’re not flirting, Wheein. Shut up,” Byulyi laughed, shaking her head gently. “Yong, I’m about to order our food. What do you want?”

“Anything good.” Byul knew her taste.

“Cool. I’ll be back.”

A silence settled around her and Wheein as Moonbyul departed, one Yongsun didn’t mind at all. It gave her more time to process what Eunji could have possibly been alluding to.

“You guys are cute,” Wheein blurted out suddenly, eyes trained in Byulyi’s direction. She’d probably been waiting for the athlete to be out of hearing distance.

“What are you talking about?” Nothing worthy of such gushing had happened.

“You and Byul-unnie. She’s so protective of you. The way she had to check in to make sure you were okay, even though I wasn’t finished talking when she tuned out, but it’s fine. It was cute.”

“Oh. Okay.” The tone of her voice was more stoic than intended, but it was due more to wanting to send a message to Chorong as soon as possible than it was to dismiss what Wheein was saying.

“Omg! And that! The way you act like you don’t like her but it’s so obvious that you do. It’s so cute!”

Since when did she act like she didn’t like Byulyi? “I literally told you that we’re seeing each other. Obviously I like her.” Obviously she liked Byulyi.

“As more than friends.”

“Huh?”

“You didn’t say ‘you’re seeing each other’, you said that you’re ‘seeing each other as more than friends’, which is an extremely convoluted way of saying that the two of you are girlfriends. Very on-brand of you.”

“Wait, what? We’re not girlfriends, Wheein.”

“So you’re what? Dating?”

“I . . . don’t know. We’re just . . . seeing each other.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah . . .”

“Hyejin and I thought you were just making it sound complicated because you sometimes do that. But it’s actually . . . complicated.”

“Yeah . . .”

The Food Court tables were sparsely populated, but even the minimal chatter from those spread throughout the space began to infiltrate the stilted silence that joined her and Wheein at the table. There was a lot to sift through in what the younger had said, but Yongsun had no idea where to start. Fingers raking through her shoulder-length strands of milk chocolate hair, Wheein didn’t seem any more eager to plunge deeper into the murky waters she’d happened upon.

“I don’t know what to say right now, but I want to acknowledge the awkwardness. So . . . that was me acknowledging it.”

“Noted,” Yongsun chuckled. There. They nipped it in the bud.

“I don’t understand though!”

It wasn’t nipped in the bud, then.

“What don’t you understand?” Hearing it out loud, this did sound more confusing than Yongsun initially thought. And her relationship with Moonbyul did affect Wheein and Hyejin, too. She at least owed Wheein the courtesy of making things clearer than they currently were.

“Byul-unnie likes you. A lot. She’s in there getting your food as we speak.”

“She’s getting your food, too.”

“That’s not the point.” She was right. That was not the point. “She cares a lot about you and even though you do the understated feelings thing, we see that you like her, too. Both of you confessed. The two of you dating is the most obvious thing ever. What’s the holdup?”

“I’m the holdup,” Yongsun admitted. The way Wheein discussed them made it sound like she and Byulyi being in a romantic relationship—an official one, with the labels Byulyi wanted, and none of the roundabout language—was a foregone conclusion. And maybe they were, but there was a lot more beneath the surface than met the eye. She felt it her responsibility to smash the rose-colored glasses Wheein viewed them through. “I don’t know,” she fiddled with the sweatshirt sleeves that engulfed her hands, “when we first admitted our feelings, it felt heavy. Too much to take on to jump into a relationship that big. I knew for sure that I wasn’t ready for that. Now, the thought of it doesn’t feel as heavy, but it still doesn’t feel light either. So I’m just trying to figure out what that means.”

“Have yo–”

The courage the graduate student needed to share what she did came from avoiding eye contact with her younger friend. After saying what she needed to say, her gaze remained trained on the sleeves she continued to pick at. At the abrupt pause in Wheein’s statement, though, she looked up and followed the other’s line of vision.

Byulyi.

“Okay!” The athlete gently slid the tray of food in her hands onto the table. “Here’s the first batch of food. Yongsun, don’t hate me, it’s for Wheein. Yours wasn’t ready yet but it should be done in a few minutes. I’m gonna check on it now. Why are you two so quiet? Were you talking about me?”

“Contrary to what people at this school tell you, you are not the center of the world, unnie.”

“Actually, I have evidence that says otherwise.”

Although an inopportune moment to interrupt the discussion, Byulyi’s banter with Wheein granted Yongsun the time needed to finally fire off the text she’d been contemplating since receiving Eunji’s.

To: Rongie

Eunji texted me. How and why? 11:23 AM

Chorong had a 3.5-hour class that started at 10:00 AM on Mondays—she’d be itching for a distraction.

From: Rongie

How: gave her your number.

Why: ask her. 11:23 AM

To: Rongie

“gave her your number”—why?

“ask her”—I’m asking you! 11:23 AM

From: Rongie

Yongsun, I’m in class! 11:23 AM

To: Rongie

Spare me. Hurry up and explain, I don’t have much time. 11:24 AM

From: Rongie

🙄

She was worried that you were upset w/ her. Didn’t tell me why.

I’m not you. I can’t speak for you. Only you can speak for you.

I gave her your number so that she could talk to *you*. 11:24 AM

To: Rongie

Why would I be upset w/ her?

She and I didn’t talk at your dinner party. 11:25 AM

That was as far in the conversation as Yongsun got before needing to pay attention to her friends’ back-and-forth.

“Goodbye, unnie. Thank you for the food. You can leave now.”

“Yongsun, teach the little one some manners, please.” And with that, Byulyi was off. Yongsun watched the athlete retreat, not surprised at all when she stopped to greet a few people at a table that had recently been filled, only to sit down moments later. At least it bought Yongsun and Wheein more time to finish their talk.

“Byul-unnie’s ridiculous,” Wheein giggled, still reminiscing, it seemed, on their bickering. Her eagle eyes were promptly averted to her tray but despite having the food in front of her and eyeing it down, the third-year made no moves to begin eating.

“Wheein-ah, you have class later, please eat. You don’t have to wait for me. My food will be here soon.”

“Thank you for saying that because I’m really hungry right now.”

As Wheein dug into her meal, Yongsun snuck a glance at the phone she’d tucked back into the front pocket of Byulyi’s sweatshirt she was wearing—no response from Chorong.

“What I was going to ask before unnie came back: have you talked to her about what you told me?”

“Yeah, for the most part. I’ve been upfront about needing time to work through things.”

“That’s good. Communication is important.” Her voice resembled that of an elementary school teacher affirming toddlers for cleaning up after themselves.

“Thank you for stating the obvious, Wheein-ah. Can we change the topic, please?” Yongsun groaned, instinctively yanking the strings hanging near her neck until the oversized hood on her head tightened around her rounded face.

“Cute,” Wheein fawned over the melodramatic reaction. “But fine, how was Chorong-unnie’s party?”

Yongsun dropped her antics to divulge everything except the morning’s yet-to-be-explained message from Eunji.

“Ugh, I wish I was there. Sounds like it was a good time. Hyejin and I went out but the people we hung out with weren’t as fun as we hoped they’d be. But it was some guy trying to get close to Hyejin that invited us out so I should’ve known it wouldn’t be the fun. He’s so . . . eh.” At that, the younger woman’s features soured, face puckered.

“Then why did the two of you go?”

“We were bored! He’d been inviting Hyejin out for weeks now and she never took him up on it. I convinced her to say yes this time so we could get free stuff but by the sound of it, we could’ve crashed Chorong-unnie’s dinner, gotten free stuff, and had fun.”

“You also could’ve crashed Byulyi’s outing with her teammates and gotten free stuff.”

“Unnie, please, don’t rub it in. I wasn’t thinking properly. We all have our moments okay. But! Speaking of ‘eh’ guys, Jinyoung-oppa is back in the picture?” Wheein circled back to Yongsun’s Saturday out. “He’s not ‘eh’ but I’m so used to Byul-unnie calling him that that he came to mind.

“Absolutely not.”

“The two of you sounded chummy. And he drove you home. Someone may be trying to get a second chance.”

“Ew. No.”

“I don’t know . . . does he know about your . . . thing with Byulyi-unnie?”

“No. No one except our roommates and you and Hyejin knows. Well, Taecyeon kind of knows—we talk about everything while we exercise; it helps ease the pain and pass the time. But yeah, we haven’t told more people yet. Just those really close.”

“I love being a VIP. That aside though, he’s definitely trying to push up on you. Since breaking up, has he asked about your love life?”

Her birthday. He definitely did ask if she was seeing anyone. And she dodged it the same way she dodged the same question from Byulyi’s mother.

Damn.

The awkward encounter must have been stuffed away to make room for the unpleasant experiences of the jam-packed week that followed.

“That silence means I’m right! Omg, he’s trying to get back with you. Does Byul-unnie know you were with him on Saturday?”

“Of course she knows, Wheein. I’m not that dumb.”

“I mean, with Seungyeon-unnie . . .”

“Anymore! I’m not that dumb anymore. And Byulyi and I are in a different place now than when all the Seungyeon stuff was happening. But yeah, I told her. We texted throughout the night, so I mentioned that I was mostly hanging with Jinyoung and that he offered me a ride home—Insoo took Chorong to his place and everyone else was drunk so there weren’t many options. She agreed that was the best option. Then she and I spent yesterday together and I told her more about everything. She knows.”

“And she didn’t throw a fit? The two of you didn’t fight about it? Maybe you guys are more ready for a relationship than you think,” the younger laughed at her own joke.

 “Maybe.”

Comfortable with letting the conversation rest, Yongsun opened her messages once more. Still no reply from Chorong which, what the hell? Of all moments to be studious, her roommate would choose this one. Swiping and tapping where needed, the blonde once more opened Eunji’s text. She was in the middle of crafting a mental response when Byulyi arrived with their food.

“I got this for you,” she pointed at one of the dishes on the tray, “and this for me,” Byulyi pointed to the other, “but then I remembered that we both like each of these, so we can share them. Cool?”

“Very cool. Thanks, Byul-ah,” she smiled genuinely. The term slipped out but Yongsun decided she wasn’t uncomfortable with it. It was an appropriate level of affection while they were in public.

The remainder of the meal passed by before Yongsun realized, ending with each woman going her own way. Wheein had class, Byulyi went to train, and Yongsun trekked back to UV, already imagining the joy that would consume her upon jumping into her bed and sleeping for the rest of the day.

It was when her body was wrapped in the sheets she longed for, and her head kissed the surface of a recently laundered pillowcase that the blonde’s cellphone buzzed beside her.

Whoever it was had plenty of time beforehand to contact her. But no. The highlight of her day had to be interrupted.

Rolling over with a groan, the graduate student saw who the notification was from and groaned again.

From: Rongie

Voice message: K. Messaged her for more details—you’re welcome btw. At some point in the night, she and Jinyoung were talking for a little. They know each other from SNU days (duh) but were never close. At all. She kind of had a crush on him back then (not duh, you wouldn’t know that) but she never publicized it, so I assumed she got over it. Long story short, she was not over it. They exchanged numbers. Then she realized you and Jinyoung had been together all night (explain yourself) and found out the two of you left together (explain yourself!) so she assumed you were dating him and felt bad about things. Hence the apology.

Just like that, Yongsun was robbed of the peace that, moments ago, was within grasp. She still fell asleep—her body demanded rest—but it didn’t feel as glorious as it would have if she’d minded her business and simply sent Eunji an “apology accepted” text the instant the younger woman’s message hit her inbox that morning. Yongsun really should have left things at that because, honestly, she would’ve been better off not knowing any of what her roommate just dumped on her.

Note: María is a beautiful album. Still listening to it on repeat.