“I can’t do that in Turkey. They don’t have you.”

It was only the week before that time was devoted towards thinking through the hypothetical: what would she do if Moonbyul confessed?

At the time, the thought induced a low level of mental distress. At the time, the possibility of that happening was still some time away, Yongsun thought, wrapped neatly and pushed to the recesses of her mind. There was slight concern then, her heart leaping out of her chest in fear for one second at having to consider what exactly she’d do when the feelings dancing between her and Byulyi were laid bare before her. And then she calmed down, reminding herself that Moonbyul confessing was a far-off possibility. It wasn’t something to fret over, she’d have time to worry about it.

How silly of her. Yongsun remembered the rest of that day, too—she flirted with Byulyi and she flirted with Seungyeon. Just because.

Foolish.

If she had taken the thought a bit more seriously, she wouldn’t be stuck as she was now, sitting in Moonbyul’s lap, face tear-streaked and irritated from the unbearably embarrassing outburst that had taken place moments ago. As for the kiss that ended only seconds ago, Yongsun’s heart stood lodged in , rendering the graduate student physically incapable of saying anything. The flurry of emotions over the past 5 minutes were too much to even begin processing.

Moonbyul took the silence as an invitation to say more, the tremble in her voice a stark difference from the boldness displayed not even a minute ago.

“Um. Yeah.” The athlete cleared several times before continuing, her hands now at her sides, no longer framing Yongsun’s hip and neck. “I guess now’s as good of a time as any to say this. I like you. And I wanted to do this differently, wanted it to happen properly, maybe over a nice dinner or something, I don’t know. Not like this, though. But . . . yeah.” A small shrug punctuated her sentence.

Yongsun had her suspicions, but it was different hearing the words fall from those lips.

“Wow,” she brilliantly responded. As she did so, the older woman removed herself from Moonbyul’s lap. Whatever conversation was about to take place would likely be best had with both women occupying their own separate seat cushions.

“Is that a good ‘wow’?” The uncertainty in the younger woman’s voice made Yongsun’s heart clench. This was messy.

“It’s a ‘I just learned moments ago that one of the most important people in my life is likely leaving the country and now that same person is confessing’ wow.”

“So . . . it’s not a bad ‘wow’ is what I’m hearing?” The Moonbyul joked, lips curved into a tentative, nervous smile. It didn’t look right on her face, Yongsun decided. Worry was the last emotion Byulyi should have been experiencing, and Yongsun hated even more that she was the one causing it.

Reaching a hand out, the graduate student caressed the soft, smooth skin along Moonbyul’s cheek. As her thumb gently rubbed the younger woman’s face, Yongsun smiled adoringly as the soft brown eyes across from her fluttered closed, a sigh of contentment rushing past Byulyi’s lips. Past those lips. Lips that not long ago were attached to her own, even if only briefly. As Byul relished in the feel of Yongsun’s hand on her—going so far as holding the blonde’s wrist in place with a hand of her own—Yongsun stared at those lips. The kiss was so short, over before comprehension had the opportunity to settle in. Yongsun wanted a proper one.

“Yong,” Byul rasped. Eyes glued to the athlete’s lips, Yongsun read the words on her lips before hearing them. Knowing she was caught, the older woman took her time inspecting the lips that she so badly wanted pressed against her own once again. “Yong,” Moonbyul desperately called for her again.

Shooting her eyes up to meet the other’s, Yongsun saw that the eyes she sought out were trained on her lips instead. Both women, it seemed, wanted the same thing, and it wasn’t a conversation. The graduate student was prepared this time when Byulyi leaned in again, the heartache from earlier put on hold so that the want buzzing between them could be dealt with.

Just as before, Byulyi came in hard, smashing to Yongsun’s. With the lips moving against her own doing so in a frenzied and desperate manner, she placed a second hand against Byul’s face, hoping to calm her down. Stopping momentarily to lean further into Yongsun’s touch, Byulyi took a few deep breaths to collect herself, it seemed.

“I’m usually much better at this,” she choked out.

“I believe you.” Yongsun smiled, gently the younger woman’s face. She wasn’t sure why or how she suddenly became the one to provide comfort, but it was a role gladly accepted. For one, Moonbyul did the same for her moments earlier. With no questions asked, the younger woman held and consoled Yongsun when tears streamed down her face. It was now Yongsun’s turn to be the one providing comfort.

The second reason she was fine with calming Byulyi down: Yongsun’s body hummed with the need to get a proper kiss off, to give in to her desires, if only for a moment. The emotions of the day granted them immunity, cloaked them from reason and logic, gave them permission to give in to what they’d both held back for too long. Whatever happened today could be explained away tomorrow. But it needed to happen today. Right now. Because reality would creep in later, demanding a discussion. If they wanted to be messy with the illusion of no repercussions, it had to be now. Yongsun needed Moonbyul to get it together.

“Byul,” the graduate student delicately called her friend’s attention back to her. “It’s just me. No need to be nervous.”

“That’s exactly why I’m nervous,” Byul laughed bashfully. “I’ve liked you for about a year now. And I feel so stupid for waiting until now to tell you, but, now that I’ll likely be leaving, I had to. I’d regret it if I kept it to myself.”

The words were spoken earnestly and with full sincerity, Yongsun knew. For the past year, the brunette put herself and her feelings second so that she could put Yongsun first. That was Moon Byulyi.

It didn’t take Yongsun more than a second to pull the younger woman in for a tender kiss. Molding against Byulyi’s, Yongsun smiled triumphantly when their movements melted into each other’s. It wasn’t automatic, but they eventually found their rhythm and coordinated their actions. Growing more confident and comfortable, Moonbyul eased Yongsun down until the graduate student’s back rested flat against the couch cushions. Not wanting to ruin the mood but feeling obligated to remind them both of the realities that lie ahead, Yongsun stared at the woman hovering above her until their eyes met.

“Byul-ah, how likely is it that you’re leaving?”

“Very likely,” the senior guiltily answered.

“We’ll have to talk about that.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“And we’ll have to talk about what’s happening between us right now, the things we’re doing.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Okay,” Yongsun nodded.

“Okay,” Byulyi responded spoke barely above a whisper, craning her head ever so slowly to capture Yongsun’s lips between her own. And so they spent the next half hour, teasing pecks mixing with and evolving into more passionate kisses. Ultimately, it was Byulyi’s phone vibrating in her back pocket that put a halt to their actions.

“I have to go. I’m supposed to have dinner with Heeyeon and Kisum,” the athlete whined as she tucked her nose into Yongsun’s neck.

“It’s probably for the best. There’s . . . a lot happening right now. And we’ve discussed none of it.”

“We can talk later?” Byulyi asked hopefully as she stood up.

“I have to pack tonight to go home tomorrow, and you have to pack to go home, too.” Moonbyul was heading to Bucheon for 1.5 weeks.

“When we get back, then?”

“Okay.”

“Okay. . . . Bye.” The nerves had returned and clung to Byul’s every action now, but she still quickly leaned in to press one final peck to Yongsun’s lips, hurrying out of the apartment before anything else could be said.

With each passing minute, the blissful smile on Yongsun’s lips slowly faded, as did the lust and emotions fueling her earlier actions, until the weight of what transpired left a more fitting and appropriate grimace in its wake. Regret colored her features.

Yeah, that should not have happened.

*

Eyes fluttering open, Yongsun extended her arms above her head in a satisfying stretch, a violent yawn ripping through her body.

No noise floated through her doors from the floor below, indicating the absence of her parents—they were likely on their way to or from the weekend market. And, having met up with childhood friends the night before, Yonghee was likely still knocked out. All signs pointed towards today being a lazy Saturday, Yongsun’s favorite.

That was, until the young woman reached for her phone and the screen lit up with a horde of unread messages.

From: Seungyeon

Making sure we’re still on for Monday? Thinking we could hang at my place, but if that would make you uncomfortable, lmk.

They’d confirmed twice already that they were still on for Monday. Yongsun scrolled.

From: Byul-ah

Hey! How’s your day going? 😅

She and Byulyi had spoken almost every day since they left to spend time with their families, and, although each conversation started well, the weight of what they avoided always eventually crept in, making dangerous territory out of even the most innocuous topics.

She’d rather not start her Saturday with the awkwardness. Sighing deeply, Yongsun scrolled past this text, too.

From: Seoul National University Texting Service

If you haven’t already, be sure to submit your information for graduation, schedule an appointment for graduation photos, and purchase regalia by Jan. 15^th! Use this link.

Respond with ‘STOP’ if you’d like to unsubscribe from this texting service.

Yongsun quickly exited the messages app to set a couple reminders in her calendar so that she wouldn’t miss the deadline, before returning to review the remaining unread texts in her inbox.

From: Rongie

Some apartments in Changsub’s building opened up! There are few in Insoo’s, too. And the prices are manageable. Let me know and I’ll try to get some tours set up for when we get back.

Earlier in December, Yongsun and her roommate were enjoying a late dinner when Chorong asked about future plans.

“Are you thinking of living in UV after graduation?” The young woman asked Yongsun, unaware of the question waking in the blonde an always present, but rarely broadcasted anxiety over the lack of clarity regarding her future.

“Not sure. Technically, anyone can live here, but I don’t know how I’d feel being a young professional and still living with college students.”

“I was thinking the same thing! Insoo was talking to me about it.”

“Considering moving in with him?” Yongsun asked, the surprise in her voice not hidden.  Chorong and the slightly older man were cute together—he was sweet and calm, somehow thawing out Chorong’s rough edges. But they’d only been seeing each other for a few months at most. Maybe she was old-fashioned, but Yongsun found that to be too short of a time to start thinking about living with someone.

“Hell no! He was curious, though, about whether I’d continue living in this part of Seoul. Even though he claimed he was only asking because UV is pretty removed from everything else, I think he secretly wants me to live closer to him.”

“That’s cute,” Yongsun added at what she figured was the appropriate moment. She had only been half listening, her dinner demanding most of her concentration.

“Yeah. Before he asked, I hadn’t given it serious thought, but afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I told him to keep an eye out on apartments for us.”

“Us?”

“Yes. You and I. We have to decide soon on if we want another year on our lease, so why not shop around and see if we can get a better deal?”

“That’s fine, we just never had the conversation about whether we were going to continue living together or not.”

“Oh please, Yongsun,” Chorong waved her off. “We’re good friends and even better roommates. You and I both know we’re going to keep living together.”

Chorong had a point. Even though people usually advised against living with friends, she and Chorong were a good pair. One cooked, the other cleaned, neither was too reckless with the amount of noise they made, and, given their shared circle of friends, coming home to unfamiliar people wasn’t something to worry about.

“I guess. If you get any serious tips sent your way, let me know. Changsub lives not too far from Insoo, right?”

“Yup! I have him keeping an eye out for apartments, too!”

“Cool.”

At the time, it was “cool” to Yongsun. Amongst their schoolwork and jobs, the blonde thought this was something Chorong would start out enthused about before eventually tapering off on. She thought she’d have time. But time, it seemed, was something the universe had decided Yongsun deserved none of. Everything was happening at once. It was overwhelming.

From: Wheein-ah

Hi, unnie! Just checking in. Hope that your break is peaceful and hoping even more that you’re enjoying it. Miss you! ❤️

Bless Wheein’s heart. For the first time since waking her phone up, Yongsun smiled, relieved breaths calming her body.

To: Wheein-ah

This made my day. I miss you, too. We NEED a video call soon. ❤️

Although she refused to talk with others about what happened with Byulyi before talking to the athlete first, Yongsun recognized how tightly she was wound and how spread thin she was. Bottling everything else up was a recipe for disaster. If anything, she’d schedule a call with Wheein, ask for permission to vent for 5 minutes, and then listen intently to what was going on in the younger girl’s life. Yongsun was in dire need of a distraction and she was sure Wheein wouldn’t disappoint.

A few more messages exchanged, Yongsun and Wheein agreed to video call on Tuesday. The younger had first suggested Monday but Yongsun reminded her of the “hangout” with Seungyeon that day. “Excited for the mess,” Wheein hastily moved their talk to Tuesday, a bit too certain for Yongsun’s liking that something would happen to “further complicate things.”

To: Wheein-ah

Nothing is going to happen.

I need to start physically distancing myself.

From: Wheein-ah

You do. I doubt you’ll be successful on Monday,

but I agree that it may be best to eventually

put an end to physical things.

To: Wheein-ah

I’ll be successful. Just wait.

From: Wheein-ah

I think she likes you too much to not try something.

We’ll see though!

To: Wheein-ah

Doesn’t matter if she tries something, I’ll stop anything from happening.

From: Wheein-ah

Unnie, let’s be realistic pls.

Letting out a groan at Wheein’s take on the situation, Yongsun defiantly burrowed herself further into her comforter. She believed herself more than capable of forcing things platonic with the taller woman and then keeping them platonic. Should things get heated with Seungyeon on Monday, Yongsun vowed to stop them. She could and she would.

*

Yongsun could not and she did not.

Now a writhing, mess underneath the brunette, Yongsun attempted to pinpoint where she went wrong.

It wasn’t when Seungyeon picked her up from her parents’ home. No, the graduate student had stayed firm then, bidding Seungyeon an appropriate, “Hi! It’s great to see you.” She did not hug her. A success.

It wasn’t when Seungyeon welcomed Yongsun to her apartment, cracking a joke about having ordered food for them since she knew how sensitive the blonde was about home-cooked meals. Yongsun laughed heartily, but still kept an appropriate distance between them as she removed her shoes and settled on the couch while Seungyeon prepared the food. A success.

It wasn’t when they sat on the couch, meals finished, intently watching a new drama. Completely engrossed, Yongsun ignored the familiar right hand working its way up her left thigh. The tantalizing patterns Seungyeon traced on her clothed leg did not deter Yongsun from the show’s plot. Her eyes—trained purposefully on the television screen—did not waver. A success.

It was when, halfway through the drama’s second episode, the hand resting idly on her thigh s across Yongsun’s stomach and grabbed hold of the smaller woman’s right hip. At the same time, she felt soft lips gently at the hollow below her left ear.

“I missed you,” Seungyeon’s words vibrated against Yongsun’s goosebumps-riddled skin. Beyond , there was no coherent response from Yongsun. It felt magnificent, of course. But that wasn’t what urged Yongsun to let Seungyeon continue. It was the concern that those lips and those words used to set her body on fire, but now, they felt wrong. As Seungyeon sloppily trailed kisses across her jaw and down her neck, Yongsun found herself helpless against the comparisons to Moonbyul etched behind her now-closed lids.

The pressure that Seungyeon applied to her neck was different than that applied by Byulyi. In an attempt to forget the sensations experienced when Byulyi on her neck, Yongsun allowed Seungyeon to lay her flat on the couch. The weight of the body on top of Yongsun—something the blonde had craved two weeks prior—now only made the graduate student think about the way Moonbyul managed some of her weight by resting on her right forearm. Seungyeon’s soft lips and leisurely kiss made Yongsun think about Byulyi’s chapped lips—they’d need to work on fixing that, by the way—pressing so fervently and eagerly against her own. All of the things Seungyeon did, all of the things Yongsun let Seungyeon do, no longer created the same excitement in the shorter woman. No longer elicited the same purrs from the graduate student. No longer made Yongsun feel as alive as they once did. All of the things Seungyeon did and all of the things Yongsun let Seungyeon do no longer felt right.

She and Seungyeon stopped that night where they usually did: not too far off from having . In fact, they came the closest they ever had that evening, but Yongsun made an excuse about being tired and needing to head home. The sweet woman she is, Seungyeon took time to compose herself before helping Yongsun get dressed and driving the graduate student home.

The entire way back, the blonde stared aimlessly out of the car window, internally scoffing at the fact that not long ago, she ached to be underneath Seungyeon. Not long ago, she also wondered what would happen when Byul confessed. Now she had both and wasn’t sure she wanted to deal with either.

Note: Not sure about the rest of you, but I’m still coming down from last week’s update. Here we had Yongsun not doing that well with the aftermath of last week either.

The comments last week were hilarious. Thank you to everyone that left one. If you did not leave one, do not feel bad. Everyone is encouraged to engage with this story however they feel most comfortable.

Stream Eclipse by the real-life Moonbyul. Dark Side of the Moon is a beautiful album. It deserves many listens.