Dear Chapter 19

Song for this chapter// Dear by Mad Soul Child

“Smiling at me with no particular interest

Oh no please don’t tell me a lie

Within those warm eyes the memory I can’t forget is you”

Cha TaeSik~

A deep sigh left my dry lips as my head hung over the car wheel, which I was gripping. I left the car with my jacket in hand. The April weather only carried a slight breeze that failed to alleviate my high body temperature. The sweat and blood caused my black shirt to cling onto my skin and the physical exertion depleted me of any remaining energy. I swore I wouldn’t go out into the field again, but they used SoMi’s past indiscretion to convince me. After all, the reason why my prison sentence was reduced was because of the NIS.

Walking up the steps to my residence, I stopped halfway to grab the pocketknife from my ankle and then proceeded to open the door. It was already ajar until it swung wide open. Short banging sounds rang throughout as I swiftly made my way inside. I switched on the lights, expecting to witness an intruder. But I was wrong.

It was SoMi. I slid the pocketknife into my back pocket before fully taking in the scene. An empty bottle of soju sat on the kitchen table. There was that sound again. My eyes widened at SoMi, who looked up at me before slamming her head against the wall. Her eyes were devoid of all emotion. Her lifeless gaze sent chills down my spine.

No. No. Grabbing her shoulder without gripping too hard, I pulled her away from the wall but SoMi’s inebriated figure wilted like a rag doll. Her knees folded to the floor as she tried to push me away. I was about to let go when something caught my eye. The sleeve of her black tee shirt, which I recognized as the one I gave her, fell from her thin wrist. Red splotches covered her hands, wrists, collarbones, and her thighs. My heart plunged at the realization. She did this to herself. SoMi… I held her writhing body and the back of her battered head, needing to stop her from harming herself.

I thought she was doing better. She appeared to be doing well. She grew into an intelligent, empathetic, hard working, and an incredible young woman. Relief imbued me when I found out that the events from twelve years ago didn’t destroy her faith in humanity. SoMi was so kind to a world that wasn’t kind to her. But the only person that her kindness wasn’t extended to was herself.

“Why do you keep saving me?” In my arms, SoMi looked up at me and her eyes were leaking with utter anguish. “I’m a trashcan… so why did you put your life on the line to save a worthless girl like me?” My lips quivered as my composure began to crack. She lifted her hand, inching her cold fingers up my bloodstained neck and then my jaw. Her thick tears gleamed in the darkness and my heart broke at the sight.

Stunned by her sudden kiss, I remained still as her eyes closed and her head landed on my shoulder. Ignoring the blood on my hands, I allowed myself to finally hug her first. I remember that night in the underground garage when she ran to me and held on for dear life. She was alive. She was sobbing into my torso and I badly wanted to console her but there was too much blood on my hands. My bloody hand neared her hair, but all I could do was stand and cry as I held onto her shoulder.

Not this time. Gone was the talkative eleven-year-old girl that would joke around to hide her pain. Now SoMi was a grown adult, whose pain was becoming too much to bear despite her resilience. The putrid smell of alcohol tinged the air, but I couldn’t care any less. I embraced her, feeling the slow beating of her heart just for a little while. That was all I needed.

SoMi… I only killed those men because it was all I could do to save you. I killed those immoral criminals because I didn’t want to lose you. But this time… I can’t save you, SoMi. I can’t save you from yourself. There was nothing I could do this time but stay by her side.

I held onto her beaten hands, running my thumb over her sore and red knuckles. I pulled the blanket up to her chin, covering her beaten thighs, chest, and collarbones from my view. I lowered my head and a sorrowful sigh left my lips as I sat on the bed next to her sleeping figure. SoMi’s self-destructiveness made me question her past behavior. I thought back to her torn knuckles and her car accident. Peering at her sleeping face, I inhaled sharply to prevent my own tears from falling. Was the car collision truly an accident or was it a failed suicide attempt disguised as a simple car accident?

Caressing her cheek, I wiped away the tears from her closed eyes. I knew about her feelings toward