Dear Chapter 12

Song for this chapter// Adults by Sondia (My Mister OST)

“When I close my eyes

I see myself and tell myself

Not to get tired

That the thick darkness

Will leave once I let myself go”

Jung SoMi~

No one was responsible for my happiness. I was responsible for it. Getting annoyed with my friends wouldn’t help them or me. It was up to me to find peace within myself. The days seemed to be getting longer, while I only grew more tired. I would wake up in the middle of the night multiple times, causing me to oversleep and wake up late. Luckily I always made it to class in time. Graduation was now only one month away and all I was focused on was fulfilling my class requirements. I kept working through it despite how burnt out I felt.

TaeSik gave me the number of the psychiatrist he used to see and I’ve been seeing Dr. Lee after my shifts at the NIS, for she was located within the same building. After two sessions of introduction, she eased into treatment. She actually worked for the NIS, specializing in clients with PTSS, who were mostly active duty agents, officers, analysts, and veterans. I always thought of psychiatrists as being clinical, but this lady seemed like your kind neighborhood ahjumma.

I expected her to go straight into assessing my trauma during my first session, but instead she asked me a simple question. What was on my mind? The simplicity of the question actually baffled me, for there was so much on my mind that it was hard for me to even process. But, I gave it a try and spilled everything onto her. She listened, nodding and giving me verbal affirmations that she was actively listening to what I was saying. The mere act lightened the weight on my head by a bit.

“It sounds to me that you had quite a difficult upbringing as a child, and yet you managed to preserve through that and you created a better life for yourself. That’s very admirable and you should be proud.” Hmm. She did have a point, but I never saw any of it as achievements. I didn’t realize they were.

“PTSS is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. We no longer acknowledge it as a disorder, because that’s inaccurate. PTSS occurs when your brain reacts to the trauma. Your hippocampus shrinks, activity in your amygdala increases, and your ventromedial prefrontal cortex shrinks.” I understood the initial part of her statement and then the neurology jargon confused me, causing me to lift my eyebrows at her. Understanding me, she went on to explain what she meant.

“Your flashbacks, stress, high anxiety, difficulty breathing, and unregulated sleep patterns are all attributed to the changes in your brain. But I can help you and we can work together to revert your brain to the way it was before the traumatic event took place.”

But it would take time. At least eight sessions are recommended but as long as I put in the effort and practiced the techniques I had hope that I would be able to overcome my trauma. My sessions with Dr. Lee provided me clarity. It was almost too good to be true, but I had to believe it. I remember reading about self-fulfilling philosophy from one of SooHyun’s psych books. If I believed it, then it would come true. So let’s believe that this trauma won’t affect me anymore. I can and I will heal from it. I was determined to heal. Ever since I was eleven, it felt like I was walking through a fog and now it was gradually disappearing and my view was clarifying.

“Thank you, TaeSik.” I told him as we sat on his bed, talking into the night as usual. He held my gaze, accepting my words of grace. He didn’t question me calling him by his real name. My hand brushed against his, startling me. I moved my hand away and appreciated the fact that the lights were off, so my reddened cheeks wouldn’t show.

“Why didn’t you get help before?”

“I mean it’s not like I didn’t try,” I replied, snuggling my chin into the cozy blanket that covered my shoulders. “I called helplines whenever it got particularly bad, but it didn’t help that much. I didn’t want to go to support groups, because I didn’t like having to share my story with a ton of people. I found online therapy resources, but it wasn’t that effective. Besides therapy is a luxury to me.”

I was only able to attend the sessions with Dr. Lee because the NIS was covering the fees for me. I was amazed to find out that they invested in their employees’ mental wellbeing. But it made sense that everyone needed some help as the work exposed you to so much atrocity. My internship was going well and I had my hopes up for a possible permanent employment, but that was just hopeful thinking.

“Do you know why they called us Ants?” I posed the question, thinking about the contents of the file I read and the report I wrote up myself to present to the Intelligence Directors. TaeSik stayed mum at my question as he stared at me attentively.  

“No one cares about ants. They’re considered specks of nothing. They can easily be squashed and killed if they become a nuisance. Because there is so many of them, their deaths don’t matter. More and more ants will only proliferate out into the earth and no one will remember the dead ones. I was lucky compared to the others.” My lighthearted expression contradicted the horridness of my statement.

My eyes moved toward his and I couldn’t help but admire how bright they were. I was so used to the dark that I could discern his features easily. How come I never noticed how handsome he was? I found myself gazing at him until I snapped myself out of it. What was I doing? I averted my eyes and looked down at my twiddling fingers