Dear Chapter 17

Jung SoMi~

A foreboding premonition infiltrated my mind as I realized that my love for TaeSik was now irrevocable. There was no going back. My hands moved across his back, squeezing him tighter. My chest pulled inward with deep inhales, as I willed my burning tears to not drop onto his neck. I contained my tears. My heart quivered along with my lips when his hand reached up to my hair. He brought me comfort as well as pain when he wrapped an arm around my waist, mollifying my grappling emotions. Rather than questioning the meaning behind his warm actions, I ignored my thoughts and permitted myself to cherish this feeling.

 It felt like it was only the two us left in this world. It was true for me. I didn’t need anyone else. I needed only him. If it weren’t for him, I would have ended up like my mom. Alone and poor, I would have sold my body to get through life. Instead my guilt towards him propelled me to get my life together when I was fourteen.

Fighting against the crude bullies and walking home everyday with my bare feet, I was angry at the world. But then the thought of him overwhelmed me with guilt and sadness. I waited for the day I would see him again. My foster care guardians prevented me from visiting him, so one day I used the school library computers to look up which jail he was in and I took the bus to see him. It wasn’t as simple as I had hoped. The prison guards gave me a strange look and told me to leave. Since I couldn’t visit him, I was motivated to become a better person, so that when he did come out I wouldn’t be ashamed to look at him. So I studied and then my world opened with countless options. My teachers encouraged my studies, coaxing me with all the opportunities a college degree could give me. Because I didn’t have much of a social life, I studied and earned perfect grades. Then kids were interested in becoming my friend. I didn’t trust them, but I didn’t mind their company. I spent the last twelve years, waiting for the day I would be able to see him.

There were countless times I wanted to give up and stop trying. The bullies would force me to smoke or drink, but I always held my ground. I saw the effects of addiction on my mom and it was harrowing. I resented her sometimes. Why did she have to steal that heroine? If I was one step too late, then I would have had nothing to live for. My mom was killed and I had no one. The guilt would have eaten me alive and I would have been too weak to refuse the allure of drugs and then I would’ve probably killed myself through an accidental overdose. Either way my life would have been meaningless.

But not now. My present was something I never even imagined before.

“Sorry I woke you. I know it’s the middle of the night…” My fingers clutched the fabric of his sweater, while my glistening eyes stared up at his and a smile appeared on my face. TaeSik was the reason behind my smile. His warm gaze towards me only worsened my apprehensiveness.

Waking up in TaeSik’s bed, I slowly stood to my feet before folding the blanket neatly over the mattress and pillow. Out of habit, I reached in my pocket for my phone only to remember that I left it back home. I left the small room and crouched down on the cold floor near the sofa where he was asleep.

Without even thinking, my fingers gravitated toward his eyes to sweep his bangs away when I caught myself and recoiled them. Not knowing what to do with my hands, I wrapped them around myself as my eyes were fixed on him. I love you. My silent proclamation of my true feelings only induced tears to fall as I bit my lips to silence myself.

Love terrified me.

I knew that TaeSik wouldn’t be able to accept my love, but I would keep giving and giving until I was left with none. That’s okay though. It was the least I could do. I would love him without expecting his love in return. I would be fine with that or so I thought. Wiping away my tears with the back of my hand, I stared at him and thought of everything I was too afraid to ask him. Was prison life bearable? Do you regret saving me? Did you think of me from time to time?  Are you truly happy?

Running through the dim alleyways as I done frequently as a child, the ache in my heart spread a