Jihoon could hear the faint noise of a knock on his door. He didn’t want to take off his earphones or turn around. He could be completely focused on his work, but it was always at this time when he could hear that soft knock and he knew who the person behind the door was. It was a routine that had no deeper meaning than the leader fulfilling his role.

It had been more than a year since the last time he had an actual conversation with Seungcheol that was not work related or in front of the other producers or their group members. He could barely look into the eyes of the older one, because his heart would hurt and the memories would bring tears to his eyes.

He remembered the last time they talked about their feelings. How he was so adamant to keep a straight face while his heart was breaking. How all he could think of was protecting their group. How all the advices from their CEO and his fellow producers invaded his mind; and now that he thinks about it, they seemed to be good-nature advices, but maybe those words just made him follow the executives’ will instead of his own wishes to be happy. Because at that time Seungcheol and him were already far away even when neither of them wanted to let go of their feelings.

He remembered running to their dorm bathroom and washing his tear stained face with so much water that he choked on it. He knew all the responsibility he was carrying and that Seungcheol had his own quota, but their feelings were so confusing for him. Bumzu hyung knew he always had problems expressing his feelings while talking, so he encouraged him to write them on his lyrics.

And when the time arrived to write their debut song and he was faced with Seungcheol tired face inside the studio room, he started writing.

“These days I have a lot of thoughts.

These days, I have so much to tell you.”

“Even if my lips are dry, I need to say this baby

I adore you, I adore you, enough to get dizzy”

That was all he wanted to say to the older one, but he knew it wasn’t as simple as just saying it. They could be happy for a moment, but when the burden of their roles and the company pressure would stack up, he didn’t want to shout to the other again. The crack in their relationship that Seventeen Project created was something that time hasn’t mended. And all of that was his fault.

His stubborn character and his fear to ruin it all if he didn’t worked hard enough always made him sensible; like a ticking bomb that always ended exploding in front of Seungcheol. The other’s tired and hurt face was something Jihoon didn’t want to see again, so their distance just kept growing. Every time he looked at himself in the mirror, his hopes to fix things just kept disappearing. So he just kept writing.

“The distance between me and you has no progress

So far away”

When you look at me you’re so beautiful

I want to tell you

All of you that I see

I want to cherish it

Just come to me

I want you to want me baby”

But at this point he had stopped expecting anything from himself or their relationship. Jihoon had been too immature to deal with his feelings, with the pressure and with the expectations of everyone around him. He was the one who had pushed the other away and Seungcheol stopped trying to come back to him. The older even stopped saying what he always said about their bond and that they shouldn’t throw it away. Stopped talking about walking together and that they should at least try it.

And now when he was finally learning to cope with the stress and stopped listening to advices that sounded like lies, Seungcheol had thrown their memories together to the back of his mind. So Jihoon just kept writing.

“You must listen to this song

Don’t listen and pretend you haven’t

If you hear my heart

Can’t you come back to me?”

Now more than ever he misses Seungcheol, because there is no one like him. Because the more Jihoon tried to stay away, the more he fell for the older one; because he never learnt to forget him.

“I’m still, I’m still

Waiting for you

I’m not even tired

Although I’m getting scared.

Still, believing in time

Because everyone says it’s medicine

Even if I’m a fool, when I close my eyes

Nothing changes.”

Those lyrics were so real for him, because Jihoon doubted that time could erase the feeling of what could have been and hasn’t been. He had been a coward that didn’t act on his feelings and just waited, and no matter how much he wants to change things, nothing changes. Because Jihoon had realized that he had been trying to solve everyone’s problems, but didn’t focus on his own.

And now, looking at Seungcheol’s smile while he hugs Jeonghan, he had to accept that their paths will end up splitting and that the older had chosen another person. Because things were like that and even when Jihoon’s heart got warm looking at Seungcheol being happy, it still hurt to see him by other person’s side. Jeonghan was amazing, always helped Seungcheol deal with the team responsibilities, kept calm through the crisis and just kept improving each day. But most of all, he embraced Seungcheol like he never wanted to let go. So Jihoon just kept writing.

“Tears fall again

Tears endlessly fall

Do I really need to end things now?

I don’t know, I don’t know

Why now?

Why am I seeing you now?

Can you hug me even though I’m far away?

I don’t know, I don’t know”

The studio door opened and Jihoon felt the Seungcheol presence behind him. He instructed him to return to the dorms and sleep a bit since they had an interview in the morning.

Jihoon took off his earphones and turned around slowly. They had shared so many happy and sad memories in that studio. And he didn’t want to let go. It was bittersweet and his heart was pounding so loud that he was sure Seungcheol could listen to it.

He looked up at the older that hasn’t moved making sure he would stop working. So Jihoon saw his shocked expression when he said “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

He was tired of trying to be strong and if he didn’t accept his fault he would probably lose the other forever, even as a friend. Didn’t matter if they shared the same schedule, the wall between Seungcheol and he had become too tall.

Jihoon had reached the point where he had to let go, but first he had to apologize to Seungcheol’s heart.

 “I still think you are special.”

He had to say goodbye. Goodbye to the past. Goodbye to the hope. Goodbye to the love that he punched with his own hands.

And he had to find peace on his own by saying goodbye to the idea of them together.

But his heart was still hurting.  

“But what should I do for you to think the same thing of me?” Jihoon said with tears falling.

You don’t love me anymore.

That was the only thought in the younger’s mind.

But then he felt arms around him, Seungcheol warm chest covering his crying face and his hands caressing his back and hair.

“What can I do now?

I’m just standing here

Where we used to be together

Don’t listen in secret

Even if this song becomes inaudible

This song that I made for you

Don’t listen in secret”

Because Jihoon had decided to walk back to the path he had left more than a year ago. He wanted to return to the point where they could talk freely, smile at the smallest things and finally be completely honest with their feelings; even if this time it meant Seungcheol would be the one saying they couldn’t be together.

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The lyrics in the story are from Seventeen's songs: Adore U, 20, Don't listen in secret and I don't know.

And the English translation from colorcodedlyrics.com