Chapter 18: The Emperor's Mistress

Hyuk did not love me. He had never loved me. I had known that from the beginning, but I had convinced myself that he would grow to love me in time. He had married me because he was a man and he was lonely. I had thought Chloe hard and cruel when she said that he did not love me, but I realised now that she had spoken the truth after all, and that he had married me because the huge and empty palace was getting on his nerves. He did not belong to me at all, he belonged to So Hyun. He loved her still, he thought about her all the time. He would never love me because of So Hyun. She was in the palace still; she was in the room in the west wing, in the library, in the morning room, in the gardens, in the woods, and in the cottage in the woods. She was still the Empress, the mistress of the palace. I was the interloper, the stranger. I did not belong here, I was not welcome. Wherever I walked in the palace, wherever I sat, even in my thoughts and in my dreams, she was there before me. I knew her face too, the small oval face, the clear white skin, the cloud of dark hair. I could imagine the sound of her laughter, strident, assured, confident. I could hear her footsteps on the stairs, light, hurrying, I knew her writing, the sprawly, black print of her characters, on the notes where she had penned her love for Hyuk, and pushed deep into the drawers, so that they would remain there for eternity, symbols of their undying love for each other.

I could never be rid of her. I could fight the living but I could never fight the dead. If there were some other woman that Hyuk loved, someone he visited from time to time, dined with secretly, slept with discreetly, I would not be afraid of her. One day the woman would age, or Hyuk would tire of her in time. All I had to do would be to wait, and bide my time.

But So Hyun would never grow old. So Hyun would always be the same. I could not fight her. She was too strong for me.

I got out of bed and pulled the curtains. The sunlight streamed into the room and blinded me. The workers had tidied the rose gardens and removed the fairy lights. The tables and chairs had been removed. The gardners were sweeping the lawns and there were no traces of the fireworks last night. Soon there would be nothing left, no reminders left of the Inauguration Ball. It almost felt like a dream now, or something that had happened a long time ago.

I walked into the dining room. Mrs. Kim was sitting at a table, looking through some letters, and rose to her feet at once and bowed when she saw me.

"Good morning, Your Majesty," she said. "I trust you slept well."

"Good morning, Mrs. Kim," I said. "Yes, I did. Have you seen His Majesty?"

"No, I haven't, Your Majesty. He went out soon after breakfast. He hasn't been in since."

"Do you know where His Majesty went?"

"I'm afraid not, Your Majesty."

"Have the General and Princess So Jin left?"

"Oh, yes, Your Majesty," she said. "They left last night."

"Oh, I see," I said. I could not speak to So Jin then. 

I wandered back again into the hall. I walked into the Morning Room and the library. Hyuk was not in either of the rooms.

I picked up the telephone, and thought of calling So Jin. But then, it would worry her further. I asked for Woo Bin's number, instead. Perhaps Hyuk was with him. I had to speak to Hyuk, even if he did not wish to speak to me. I had to explain to him that I had not meant to do what I had done last night. Even if he was angry with me and never forgave me, I had to tell him that at least.

Woo Bin answered the telephone.

"Your Majesty," he said. "Is anything the matter?"

"Is Hyuk with you?"

There was a short silence, and then he said, "No, His Majesty is not here. I haven't seen him all morning."

"Oh," I said. "I see. It doesn't matter."

"Did you see him at breakfast?"

"No, I didn't get up for breakfast."

"How did he sleep?"

I hesitated. Woo Bin was the only one I did not mind knowing.

"He didn't come to bed last night."

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"Oh," he said slowly at last. "I see," and then after a minute, "I was afraid something like that would happen."

"Woo Bin," I said desperately, "what did he say last night after everyone had gone? What did you all do?"

"His Majesty excused himself and went into the library. The General and Princess So Jin left, and I came back home almost at once."

"Where do you think he's gone?" I said.

"I don't know," he said. "Perhaps he's gone for a walk."

He was giving a flimsy excuse. His voice was weak, unconvincing. He knew as well as I did that Hyuk had gone off somewhere on his own so that he would not need to see me or talk to me.

"Woo Bin, I have to see him," I said desperately. "I have to explain to him about last night."

Woo Bin did not say anything. I could picture his kind face, his brows furrowed in anxiety.

"He thinks I did it on purpose," I said, my voice breaking. I started to cry, the tears that I had held back last night and this morning streaming down my cheeks and wetting the phone.

"He didn't speak to me the whole night," I said. "We stood together side by side the whole night, and he didn't speak to me once, or look at me, the whole night."

"I think he'll never talk to me, or see me again, and he's gone somewhere because he doesn't want to talk to me, or see me again," I said, choking on a sob.

"Don't talk like that," Woo Bin said, sounding distressed. "I'll come over now and see you. I think I can explain."

"No," I said. "There's no point. Perhaps it's better this way. It's made me realised something that I should have known before, that I should have suspected when I married him."

"What do you mean?" Woo Bin said. He sounded strange.

I wondered why it should matter to him that Hyuk did not love me. Why did he not want me to know?

"About him and So Hyun," I said.

I heard Woo Bin draw in a sharp intake of breath on the other end.

"What do you mean?" he said, and there was something sharp, urgent in his voice. "What do you mean?"

"He doesn't love me, he loves So Hyun," I said. "He's never forgotten her, he thinks about her still, day and night, all the time. He's never loved me. He's always loved her. It's always been her." I started to cry noisily, huge, painful sobs that racked my body and made my breaths come in short, shuddering gasps.

"Your Majesty," Woo Bin was saying. "Your Majesty, are you all right?"

"I'll come and see you now," he said. "I've got to, it's very important. I can't talk to you on the phone. Your Majesty? Your Majesty?"

I slammed down the phone. I did not want to see Woo Bin. He could not help me over this. No one could help me but myself. I felt a strong certainty that I would never see Hyuk again. He had gone away and would not come back.

I turned around and stopped.

The Empress Dowager was standing at the door. She was staring at me. She had heard every word I had said to Woo Bin over the phone. For a brief instant, I felt afraid. But then I remembered that she was a living, breathing woman like myself. She was made of flesh and blood. She was not dead, like So Hyun. I could speak to her, but I could not speak to So Hyun.

With the realisation, my last ounce of fear dissipated, replaced by anger. I was not afraid of her. Not anymore. I would never be afraid of her again.

I took a step toward her.

"You gave me that gown on purpose, didn't you?" I said. "You wanted me to wear it so that Hyuk would be angry with me."

I clenched my fists at my sides.

"Why would you do that? Do you hate me so much?" I cried.

She looked at me impassively.

"I had forgotten that So Hyun wore it. I am getting on in years. My memory is not as it was," she said, her face devoid of expression.

"You are lying," I said. "I don't believe you. You did it on purpose. You have not forgotten. You remembered that she wore it. You made your maid dress my hair in the same way she wore it. You told her to put the freesias on my hair. You knew that they were her favourite flowers. You knew that Hyuk would see them, and the gown, and remember. How could you do such a cruel thing to your own son? How could you?"

A look of distaste crossed her face.

"This is not a musical theatre, my dear," she said, and her lip curled a little in disdain. "This is the palace, and I would advise you to spare us the theatrics. You may think whatever you like. You may choose to leave anytime you feel that you are unhappy here. After all," she shrugged, "there are many others willing, more than willing to take your place."

"Do you wish me to leave, is that what you want? Do you wish for Hyuk to divorce me, so that you can be the Empress of Korea? I will never leave the palace unless Hyuk wishes me to. My marriage has nothing to do with you. It is between your son and me."

"Well," she said softly, and smiled a little, "who would have thought a drab little mouse like you is capable of putting up a fight?"

"If you are clinging to the mistaken belief that my son fell in love with you and married you, I think I ought to dispel that romantic notion from your foolish little head. My son never loved you. He was, and still is, in love with So Hyun. He has always loved her. And if you thought he stayed faithful to her memory after her death, I'm afraid that is another falsehood that you conjured up in your mind, my dear. You see, he had a mistress. She comforted him after So Hyun died. In fact, I was expecting him to marry her, but he didn't, unfortunately, for all of us - he married you instead."

I felt dizzy.

"Mistress? Hyuk had a mistress?"

"Of course, my dear. What did you expect? He is a man, after all, and he must have been lonely. Oh dear, have I broken your heart by telling you this?" She laughed, her face cruel.

"Who - who was she?" I whispered through tight lips.

"Why, I thought you would have guessed by now, my aide, of course, Min Yoo Ra."

I gripped the back of the armchair tightly to stop myself from falling, my knees were shaking so much.

"She was his aide for three years, before she worked for me. They - grew close, I would say, from working in close proximity," she laughed again softly, "and Miss Min is such a beautiful and clever young woman, what man in his right man could resist her? Beauty and brains are such an appealing combination, wouldn't you agree? Quite lethal, in fact."

"I'm afraid I have an appointment, so we'll have to end our conversation for now. I'll leave you to ponder over what I've said, my dear. I'm sure you have a lot to think about."

She smiled at me, a gleam of triumph in her eyes, and walked out of the room.

I staggered, and nearly fell. My heart was pounding. Hyuk had a mistress, and she was Min Yoo Ra. Was she his mistress still? Was he with her now? Was she comforting him now, as she had comforted him after So Hyun died?  I needed to talk to Hyuk. I could not stay here, hiding from the truth any longer. I would go and seek out Min Yoo Ra. I would talk to her. I would ask her if she was Hyuk's mistress.

I picked up the phone. I asked to speak to Min Yoo Ra. 

"Your Majesty," she answered at once, in that low, husky voice I remembered.

"Miss Min," I said. "Could I speak to you? It is - imperative that I speak to you now, at once."

"Certainly, Your Majesty," she said calmly, not a trace of surprise in her voice; perhaps she received calls like this all the time, and they had deadened her feelings. "Would you like to meet now?"

"Yes," I said. "Come to my room. I will be waiting."

I sat on my bed, and waited. Hardly ten minutes had passed, before there was a soft knock on the door. I opened it, and she was standing outside. She was dressed in a bright orange suit, more beautiful, more radiant than the last time I had seen her, and bowed to me.

I shut the door behind us, and sat down in the living area, and indicated the chair across from where I was sitting. She sat down gracefully, her face calm and unruffled.

"What did you wish to see me about, Your Majesty?"

"The Empress Dowager and I had a conversation this morning. She said that you were my husband's mistress for three years after the Empress So Hyun died. Is this true?"

She blinked. For the first time, I saw uncertainty in those normally calm eyes. 

"I - yes, Your Majesty, it is true," she said slowly, after a short silence.

"Are you - are you his mistress still?" I said, fighting to keep my voice steady.

"No, no," she said, leaning forward a little, her eyes widening in shock. "That is not true at all, Your Majesty. I - I stopped seeing His Majesty when he met you, before you were married. His Majesty said that it was not appropriate, and we ended our - our friendship on amicable terms. I was transferred to his mother's office soon after, and became her aide."

"I see," I said, feeling a slight relief. He had been faithful to me, after all.

"That is all I wish to know. Thank you for being honest with me," I said, and rose to my feet.

She stood up as well.

"Your Majesty, if I could be completely honest with you, I knew His Majesty before - before the Empress So Hyun's passing." She looked directly  at me. Her eyes did not waver at all, and I knew with certainty that she was telling the truth.

"What do you mean?" I whispered.

"I was His Majesty's mistress when the Empress was alive, two years before her death," she said. "Our affair did not start after Her Majesty died, it started well before that."

"I see," I said, through frozen lips. "Thank you for telling me."

She bowed to me and walked to the door.

"Your Majesty," she said, turning at the door. "I looked at you that day you came to the palace with His Majesty. I stood in the rose garden and looked at you. I thought that you were young and fresh and lovely. I thought that His Majesty loved you very much. Everyone says that His Majesty loved the Empress So Hyun with an undying love. But I am proof that that may not be the truth after all. I do not know the true nature of the relationship between the Emperor and Empress So Hyun, and I never asked, but for a man to seek favours with another woman when his wife was still alive proves that theirs was not a perfect marriage by any means; there were flaws in that marriage, and no one knew, except the Emperor, the Empress and myself. Be brave, Your Majesty, and do not be cowed by the Empress Dowager. She is a jealous, possessive woman, who would like nothing better than to have her son all to herself. There was no love lost between her and Empress So Hyun, that much I know. She resented the Empress just as much as she resents you, or any woman who is by her son's side. That is the way she is, so do not be afraid of her, stand up to her, and be brave."

She bowed again, opened the door, and closed it softly behind her.

I did not understand it, any of it, what she had said. She had been Hyuk's mistress when So Hyun was still alive. She had been his mistress for two years right up to the time So Hyun had died, and after. She had been with him until he met me. He had ended their relationship after he met me.

Hyuk had strayed from his marriage two years before the Empress had died. He had not been as devoted to So Hyun as I had thought. I had been wrong about him. What else had I been mistaken about? He had not turned to Min Yoo Ra in his grief at his wife's untimely demise; they had been lovers long before that. Had Hyuk loved So Hyun? Had he stopped loving her before she died? Then why did he get so upset at  any mention, at any reminder of her? I had thought it was because he loved her still, but perhaps, it was something else, something that tormented him, and haunted him, day and night, all the time, something that he did not wish for me to find out, something that he did not wish for anyone to find out. Woo Bin knew something, of that I was certain, and Woo Bin did not wish for me to find out, either.

And whatever it was, it had something to do with the cottage in the woods which lay shrouded in dust and rust, where the freesias rioted in a mass of yellow abundance, overrunning the backyard, and defying the bleak barrenness of the decaying and rotting landscape.