Chapter 19: The Emperor's Love Child

Hyuk came back to the palace two days after the ball had ended. He had left a stranger, a man with a pale, set face, who would not look at me, nor speak to me. For two nights, he was away, somewhere; he could not, would not be reached. I called him numerous times, and must have texted close to a hundred messages to him, none of which he replied. He came back to the palace on the third day. I woke up, and went to the open window. I heard his voice. He was speaking to someone on the lawn, a servant, perhaps; he sounded calm, and himself. I dressed, and went to the library. He was standing there by the window, his back to me, looking out to the woods beyond the lawns.

"Hyuk," I said. "Hyuk, where have you been? I have been so worried."

He turned.

"Oh, it's you," he said. "I went for a drive - I needed to clear my head."

"I see," I said, and I could hear the simmering anger beneath my words, rippling, bubbling, frothing under the calm facade. 

He must have heard it too, because he said, "I'm sorry that you were worried. I - needed to be alone."

"I called you," I said, and this time, my voice was trembling with anger. "I called and called you, but you never answered. I texted you, over and over, and you never replied, not once. Even if you were angry with me, you should have answered."

"Was I angry with you?" he said, looking weary.

"Yes, you were. I didn't mean it as a cruel joke. It waa nothing like that at all. It was a misunderstanding. Your mother gifted the gown to me, her maid dressed my hair. If there were anyone that you should be angry with, it would be your mother."

He stared at me.

'Your mother made me wear the gown. Your mother told her maid to dress my hair. And you know why she did both of those things, don't you? So that I would look like So Hyun."

It was the first time I had said her name - So Hyun. It felt wrong, forbidden, sacrilegous; my lips burned from the mention of that name.

"You are mistaken," he said coldly. "My mother would not do such a thing on purpose. It was just a coincidence that she chose the same dress as - as the one she wore."

"Your mother hates me," I said. "She said that I could leave anytime I wanted. She said that there were others willing to take my place."

"Like Min Yoo Ra," I said slowly and clearly, and waited to see his reaction.

His lips tightened, but he did not say anything.

"Min Yoo Ra, your mistress," I said again, my voice hard. "The mistress you had when your beloved wife was still alive. The mistress you kept for two years when the wife you loved so much was still alive."

"Is that why you cannot forget So Hyun? Is it because of your guilt that you betrayed her with your mistress while she was alive? Did she kill herself because she found out about your affair? Did she kill herself and her unborn child - your unborn child - because she was beside herself with grief at your betrayal? Is that why you cannot bring yourself to talk about her? Is that why it is forbidden to remind you of her?" I cried. 

His face was a mask of white.

"My past is no concern of yours. We will not talk about this again," he said, and turned abruptly from me.

"Do not turn away from me, Hyuk," I cried. "Talk to me, tell me what it is that torments you."

I grasped his hands.

"It is true that Min Yoo Ra was my mistress. She offered me solace at a - most difficult time," he said slowly. "It is true that she was my mistress when - she was alive. There were reasons, but I do not wish to talk about them. I have sinned, and I will pay for my sins, if not in this life, then in the next. I will not burden you with my past, and I will bear my demons on my own. They are my punishment for having sinned, but you - you are pure, and unsullied by my past, and you will remain so. I have no wish for you to be tainted by my past. But I have been faithful to you, both before, and after our marriage, and Min Yoo Ra is no longer in my life, nor will ever be again. That is my vow to you."

He freed his hands from mine  and walked out of the room.

He did not come to my bed after that day. He stayed in his room, and I stayed in mine. Before, the connecting door between our rooms was always open, and we moved easily between my room and his. From that day on, the door was closed, shut, to keep me out of his room, out of his past, out of his life. I waited for a week, and he did not come to my bed, or open the door. He did not talk to me, or see me. He kept himself busy, attending a whirlwind of meetings, of events, anything, to avoid being with me, and suffer the strain of my presence.

I grew angry slowly, as the days passed, and he made no attempt to close the widening gulf, to break down the wall of silence between us. On the morning of the eighth day, I woke up, got out of my bed, and walked to the connecting door. I locked it. I was beginning to hate him, and resent him for his coldness toward me. Anger had been replaced by bitterness. I was filled with a desire to hurt him, as much as he had hurt me. What was that saying - Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? How apt it was. I would not leave him, I vowed to myself, my bitterness festering like a gangrene inside me, bleeding anew every time I thought of how much he had hurt me. I would not give the Empress Dowager the satisfaction of saying to him, "You are better off without that nobody, I knew she was ill-suited for you the minute I laid eyes on her." I would not give anyone the satisfaction of saying, "Well, I can't say that came as a surprise, how it lasted this long is beyond me." I would not leave, I would stay, and I would find out why So Hyun had died, and what Hyuk was hiding; it would be easier now, because I had hardened my heart. I was no longer swayed by love, I was no longer weak, or afraid. I would get to the bottom of the truth, and I would not rest until I found out the truth of what happened that night she drowned, alone, in the lake at the Imperial Gardens, in the early hours of the morning.

At night, I would lie awake, feeling his presence in the room next to mine. Once, I heard the door knob turn, but the door remained locked, and I did not get out of my bed to unlock it. I could hear him most nights in the room next to mine, I didn't think he slept much anymore. I could hear him pacing up and down, up and down. I could hear his footsteps; one, two, one, two, backwards and forwards across the floor. I slept badly too,  and when I did fall asleep, I had strange, wandering dreams. We were walking through woods, Hyuk and I, and he was always just a little ahead of me. I could not keep up with him, nor could I see his face, just his figure, striding away from me all the time. "Wait," I cried. "Wait for me, Hyuk. I cannot keep up with you. I am losing you." But he walked on, further and further, until the woods hid him from my sight, until I could not see him anymore, and the woods echoed the loneliness of my cries, and the leaves rustled, and it sounded like a woman's gown, swishing, sliding across the dead and decaying leaves, and the wind sighed, and it sounded like a woman's voice, from a long ago past, buried but not forgotten, never forgotten, whispering over and over, "Too late, too late, too late."

I must have cried when I slept, because when I woke up in the morning, my pillow was damp. It was odd that I never cried when I was awake, the tears only came when I was asleep. I would wake up some mornings, my eyes swollen and red. I wondered if the servants noticed; I noticed Mrs. Kim once, staring at me, but I didn't care anymore, it didn't matter anymore; it was strangely liberating to not care anymore, and my confidence grew, slowly, for if I did not care, it meant that I could be myself, and not worry about what others thought of me anymore.

December 2017

As the days grew into weeks, and the weeks became months, and the seasons changed, from autumn to winter, from winter to spring, from spring to summer, and another autumn came, another year, and another,  I grew stronger, self-assured, harder, crueller; it was as if I shed my old naive self with each season, layer by layer, a bit of me - the soft, kind me - dying each time, so that by the December of 2017, two years after the Inauguration Ball, two years after Hyuk and I became strangers, I had become a new person entirely. I was the Empress of Korea, a woman who exuded calm, poise, elegance, who took her place serenely, efficiently, beside her husband, the Emperor of Korea, who smiled, and laughed, and nodded, and made pleasant conversation with anyone and everyone as if she were born to it. I saw the approval in the eyes of the visitors and the people of the nation, and the papers trumpeted the nation's pride in me. I had become a worthy successor to the legendary Empress So Hyun, the little Miss Nobody from nowhere was now a force to be reckoned with in the exalted halls of the palace, and no longer to be scorned, or ridiculed, or trampled upon. 

Ari and I had grown close in the two years; she took a liking to me, and came to see me often in my chambers. The nanny came with her every time, but I would dismiss her, and tell her to leave the child in my care, I would summon her when it was time. I was no longer afraid of her, and she knew it; she was no longer insolent in her interactions with me, she kept her eyes down, and her head bowed, all the time now in my presence. I did not know what she thought of me in private, nor did I care. She was Ari's nanny, she was a paid employee of the palace, and that was all she amounted to, in my estimation. If she harboured a secret longing for Hyuk, I did not care, either; it was not my business, and as Hyuk and I were strangers living in a sham marriage, where pretence and appearances were the central players, it did not matter to me at all. My heart, and my love had long died, and the only reason I had not left the palace was because of my desire to unearth the truth behind So Hyun's mysterious drowning. Ever since the discovery of Hyuk's liason with his mistress when his wife was alive, I had ceased to regard So Hyun as my rival. He had stopped loving her long before she died, and my jealousy of So Hyun had been replaced by empathy. I sympathised with her, and I would seek justice for her. It was as if she and I had become allies, two of us on one side, the Emperor and the Empress Dowager on the other. How strange the wheels of Fate do turn; in the blink of an eye, one's beliefs and motivations can change, and the bitterest enemy can become a beloved sister in a heartbeat.

As it turned out, I was wrong to dismiss the nanny so carelessly.

On 28 December 2017, she became the focus of the nation. A scandalous article had appeared in the leading daily newspaper.

PRINCESS ARI THE LOVECHILD OF EMPEROR LEE HYUK AND THE NANNY

The headline trumpeted. Soon, the news was picked up by all the newspapers in the country and all over the world. The Internet buzzed with the scandal, and it became the top trending news online.

I was numb.

I had thought that I was dead to all feelings where Hyuk was concerned, but the news shocked me out of my woodenness. After the shock had abated, anger came, a hot, blind rage, coupled with the sting of humiliation. It was probably true, I said to myself. I did not know this stranger that I had married, who kept his true self hidden from me. 

The nanny was summoned by Hyuk; I was present, as well. She was composed, and calm, and said, "It is the truth. Princess Ari is my child, and the Emperor's."

"You lie," Hyuk said harshly. "You are lying through your teeth. Who has put you up to this? Tell me the truth, or I will have you punished severely for this malicious and false allegation."

"It is the truth," she said, her face devoid of expression. "The Empress Dowager and Princess So Jin know the truth. They will tell you that I am not lying."

She lifted her head and looked directly into his eyes.

"She is your child, and mine."

"How could it be possible?" he said, his face grim. "I do not remember any of it."

"Your Majesty was intoxicated," she said steadily. "You had been drinking, and you mistook me for the Empress So Hyun."

"But," she continued, in that firm, unwavering voice, "you did not force yourself on me. I was willing."

"I loved you, Your Majesty, and I was honoured to - to have comforted you that night, even though you did not remember any of it. I would have chosen to let it remain a secret to bring to the grave with me when I die, but someone has found out, to my deepest regret. Please accept my humblest apologies for distressing you, Your Majesty."

Hyuk sank back in his chair, and passed a hand wearily over his face.

"I do not understand," he said tiredly. "I do not understand any of it."

The Empress Dowager walked in.

"She speaks the truth," she said. "She came to me, and told me that she was pregnant with your child. I had tests conducted when the child was born, and it was ascertained beyond any doubt that the child was yours. So Jin was childless, so I took it upon myself to tell her about the unfortunate baby. She said that she would adopt the child, and raise her as her own. No one ever knew, we kept the adoption a secret, and Miss Seo begged us on her knees to let her care for the child; she swore that she would never reveal the truth of the child's real identity. We took pity on her, and that was how she became Ari's nanny."

I sat on my bed in my room.

There was a knock on the door, and Hyuk walked in.

"I did not know," he said. "You have to believe me, I did not know that Ari was my daughter. I have no recollection of the episode at all. All these years, they were keeping it from me - my mother, my sister, that poor woman. What have I done? What have I done?"

I rose to my feet.

"This has changed everything," I said in a calm voice. 

"What do you mean?" he said, staring at me.

"I mean that I can't possibly stay here any longer, I can't possibly stay here, and continue to live as before."

"Are you angry because I slept with her? It is no excuse, but I do not remember," he said.

"No, I'm not angry that you slept with her," I said coldly. "It is the humiliation that I have to face that makes me angry."

"I - see," he said slowly. "I had thought that you would be hurt by the revelation, but it seems that I have got it all wrong."

"Really, Hyuk," I said softly, cruelly, "do you think that I would care what you do after all this time? I am no longer that naive, foolish girl you married, you know."

"I've grown up," I said, in a hard, brittle voice. "You've made me grow up. I suppose I should thank you for that."

He looked at me without speaking, and for a brief instant, there was a flicker of pain in his eyes.

"Yes, you've grown up," he said in a low voice. "I miss that young, lost look in your face. You grew up overnight, and it's all my fault."

I laughed harshly.

"Aren't you glad that that foolish girl has left? She must have been tiresome."

"She was lovely, and kind, and sweet," he said, looking at me, and his eyes were filled with a deep, deep sadness. "She's gone, and she's never coming back, and I miss her so much. So, so much."

He straightened his shoulders, and his face became a mask again.

"I apologize for all the trouble that I have caused you," he said stiffly. "If you choose to leave me, I will understand completely." He turned, and left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

On 20 January 2017, I left the palace.

It was a bitterly cold wintry night; the snow was falling in thick slates, and the icy wind bit my face and stung my eyes. I stood on the steps of the palace, carpeted with a thin sheen of ice, that crackled beneath the soles of my boots.

Hyuk bowed to me stiffly.

"Goodbye," he said. "Take care of yourself, and please reflect on our future together. Take this time to rest, and heal; it has been a trying time for you, and I apologize for all the trouble that I have caused you."

I did not say anything, but looked down at my boots. The snow was falling so thickly that it had turned the black to frosty white in an instant. 

Hyuk turned to Woo Bin, standing beside me, tall and straight, dear and comforting. Woo Bin, my friend. My dear, dear friend.

"Take care of Her Majesty," he said. "I entrust her to your care. Watch over her, and protect her. Guard her with your life. I am eternally in your debt."

"I will, Your Majesty," Woo Bin said seriously. "I will protect, and watch over Her Majesty. Rest assured."

He bowed low to Hyuk. 

"Shall we, Your Majesty?" he said.

I nodded.

The driver bowed, and opened the door of the limousine. I climbed in. Woo Bin sat down next to me. The car started, and moved away. I could see Hyuk out of the corner of my eyes, standing tall and dark and straight, as the snow fell in sheets around him, pattering his black hair with white, and the wind rose to a swell and howled plaintively, mournfully. Once upon a time, I would have combed my fingers through his hair, kissed away the delicate little bits of ice tangled in between the thick strands, snuggled into the warmth and heat of his body to keep the chill at bay.  It hurt to remember; I closed my eyes, and the car sped quietly and smoothly to my father's house, where love waited, where warmth waited to thaw the frost in my icy heart, taking me further and further away from the solitary man who stood alone on a snow-covered drive on a dark and cold wintry night, his face pale, his eyes bleak, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.