We Are Happy, Aren't We?

Oh Sunny's Diary: Lee Hyuk's Confusing Me!

Chapter 16: We Are Happy, Aren't We?

 

The memory of that frozen face crumbling, quivering into feeling, of the white mask dissolving into pitiful tears, haunted me in the days that followed; there was something disturbing and unsettling, witnessing that moment of vulnerability in a woman who had shown a dislike of me from the beginning. I remembered So Jin's words, that the nanny resented me for marrying Hyuk and replacing her beloved friend as the Empress, but I knew now that it was more, much more than resentment, that she harboured for me. She was in love with Hyuk, and it was bitter jealously that made her hate me. Hyuk was oblivious of her feelings for him, of that I was certain, and treated her with the same courtesy and kindness that he extended toward all the rest of the staff and the servants at the palace. I wondered whether she was the only woman in the palace who was affected by him, or whether there were countless others in the same predicament, for it could not be denied that Hyuk was a charming and goodlooking man, and women found him attractive and charismatic. For the first time, it occurred to me that he might not have been completely abstinent after the loss of his wife three years ago. Had he turned to other women for solace and comfort in his loneliness? I would not blame him for it, even though it gave me a queer pang to think that he might have shown affection toward some other woman before me.

I began to take notice of the reactions of other women, a blush of delight here, a glow of happiness there, when Hyuk inclined his head charmingly to smile, to give a nod of approval, to say a word of praise. They were visibly affected by his gestures, his little tokens of kindness and appreciation, and it became abundantly clear to me, as my observances continued, that many of the women staffers and servants harboured feelings for him. No woman was unmoved, and I understood what they felt, and sympathised with them, yet the nanny's extreme agitation at the sight of Hyuk haunted me still, and made me uneasy, for it was no ordinary infatuation for an attractive, charming man that I had witnessed, but seemed to have its cause rooted in something else more serious altogether.

So Jin came for lunch, and we had tea later in the Garden Room which overlooked the Imperial Gardens, and had a fine view of the flowers in bloom. The air was sweet and heady with the scent of the roses, white butterflies fluttered in the air, and a soft wind blew, rustling the leaves. A little sparrow skipped across the lawn, stopping every now and then to peck at the earth with its tiny beak. A gull poised itself high in the air, and then spread its wings wide and swooped beyond the lawns to the woods and the Valley of Dreams.

"So how are you settling in?" So Jin asked, lying back lazily against a reclining garden chair, propped up with cushions.

"There are so many visitors," I said. "They keep coming; it is like an endless procession of different faces and voices. I suppose that I am the main attraction."

"You can't blame them for wanting to look at you and find out what you are like," she shrugged. "There's nothing much going on in their lives, and the palace provides them with entertainment."

She sat up and looked at me.

"You're looking a bit pinched," she said. "You look different from the last time I saw you, more drained, paler."

She flicked a look at my tummy.

"You're not in the family way, are you, by any chance?"

"No," I said. "I'm not."

"Oh," she said, and leaned back. "Perhaps you should go out more, get out of the palace from time to time, see the world outside."

"I know," I said. "Perhaps one of these days when Hyuk is less preoccupied with work. He has a really tight schedule at the moment."

I took a sip of my tea.

"What was So Hyun like?" I blurted, shocking myself.

She stopped in the midst of biting into her pink macaroon.

"Why would you ask that?" she said, staring at me in surprise.

"I - I'm just curious, that's all," I said. "Everyone keeps talking about her. She seems to have been a most wonderful person."

"Well," she said, after a short silence, "Hyuk fell in love with her at first sight; he was smitten with her, you could tell just by looking at him that night they were introduced."

"Oh?" I said, taking care to make my voice indifferent, and sipping at my tea casually, to show that it did not matter to me that my husband had fallen in love with a woman at first sight, long before he had laid eyes on me.

"It was my father's sixtieth birthday, and there was a party held at the palace; So Hyun came with her father, who was the Minister of Trade and Industry. Hyuk was introduced to her, and that's how they met."

"Had - had he been with any other girl before her?"

"No, little dalliances here and there, but nothing serious," she said. "She was his first love."

She had been Hyuk's first love. As Hyuk had been mine.

The fever of first love. How well I remember it.

It had coursed through his veins, that fever; every glance, every smile, every word, every gesture of hers, stored up in his memory, jealously guarded, eternal, precious for all time; he had breathed that first flushed stage, giddy and heady with love, impatient to see her, to gaze upon her face, to hear her voice, counting the minutes, the hours till he could be with her again, content to just sit beside her, and drink in her presence, and feed upon her face, her voice, her essence.

"He was 25 when he met her, and a year later, they were married."

"Did he have - have any interest in anyone after she died?"

"Well, he was a wreck, like I said, the first year after she died, but he slowly recovered," she said slowly. "He went out with some women, but they were not serious, and they never lasted. Those women threw themselves at him, and Hyuk was a catch, obviously, the handsome and charming rich widower."

"Oh," I said, much relieved. 'So there was no one that he was seeing regularly?"

"Well," she said, and shifted in her chair, looking uncomfortable, "there was a woman - she lasted longer than the others, he was seeing more of her than the other women, but it didn't last too."

"Oh," I said, and there was a sadness in my heart, and resentment of the unknown woman, and a pain too, that he had liked someone else before me.

"That was before he met you," she said briskly. "As far as I know, there hasn't been anyone after he met you. And you don't have to worry about her, it's over, and he's only got eyes for you now. Besides, he married you, didn't he? That's proof enough that he loves you, don't you think?"

He married me, I thought, but he's never said that he loves me. Not once.

"What was So Hyun like as a person?"

So Jin thought for a while, then said, "She was very strong, very independent. She was fearless, afraid of no one and nothing."

"Did she like living in the palace?"

"I think she felt hemmed in at times, and that was why she would go off to her cottage in the woods for days, or weeks at a time - she has a cottage there, do you know about it?" she said. I nodded, and she continued, "She liked to go for long walks by herself, alone, at all times of the day and night. But she never had any problems adjusting to palace life; she was good at organizing parties and balls, and very good with people, they adored her - men, women, children, of all ages, from all walks of life. She just had this gift with people, and that's the reason why she was so popular."

"Hyuk must have been devastated when she died. You all must have been."

"We were in shock. All of us," she said, a flicker of pain upon her eyes. "They found her entangled in one of those fishing nets under the wooden pier at the lake. She must have gone for one of her solitary walks on the pier when she lost consciousness and fell into the lake. She was lying face down, and a hook, one of those huge rusty hooks attached to the net, was embedded in the back of her head. They took a long time to get it out, it was buried so deep, you see, and then they finally did, but it left a huge gaping hole in the back of her head. It was ghastly."

I felt sick all of a sudden.

"I didn't see her - you know, like that," she said, and gave a slight shudder. "I saw her later, when they had her all cleaned up, and beautiful, but Hyuk saw her; he had to identify her body, so you can imagine what it must have been like for him, seeing her like that, all torn, and broken." 

"She was pregnant?"

"Yes, seven months," she said, and frowned. "The odd thing was that none of us knew about it."

"What do you mean?" I said.

"She never told anyone that she was pregnant," she said. "We only found out after she died."

"Did Hyuk know that she was pregnant?"

"I should think so," she said. "It was his child, wasn't it? She would have told him. But it was strange that neither of them said a word about the baby, and it wasn't just newly-conceived; she was big, her belly was showing."

"Did you ask Hyuk about it?"

"No, I've never spoken to him about So Hyun, or the baby, after the incident," she said. "Hyuk doesn't talk of her, not ever."

"But surely you would have noticed that she was pregnant? She was in her third trimester."

"It was winter, and she wore thick, loose jumpers and coats," she said. "You couldn't tell that she was pregnant, not in those bulky winter clothes that she was wearing. And when there were parties and balls, she would wear hanboks and gowns with pleats and flounces at the waist."

"It was odd, come to think of it, almost as if - ," she said slowly.

She set the teacup on its saucer with a clatter.

"It was almost as if she was hiding her pregnancy," she said thoughtfully.

A cloud hovered over the sun, and blotted it out, and the afternoon lost its warmth and its brightness. I felt a chill all of a sudden, and shivered.

Hyuk and I were in the library after dinner.

"So did you have a pleasant lunch with So Jin?" he said.

"Yes, I did," I said. "I wish it were this easy to receive those visitors."

"Perhaps it would help if you stopped sitting at the edge of your seat, and looking like a terrified schoolgirl all the time," he said.

"I can't help being shy," I said glumly.

"I know that, sweetheart. But you have to make an effort to conquer it."

"I try," I said. "I'm trying so hard. I'm just bad with people. I get tongue-tied, and I don't know what to say, and I end up not saying anything. You don't know how hard it is for me. You grew up meeting people, talking to strange people. You've been doing this from small. You're used to this sort of thing. It's so easy and effortless for you. I'm different from you. I'm not like you. I haven't been brought up like you."

"Rubbish," said Hyuk. "It's not a question of upbringing, it's your mindset. You'll do a good job as long as you put your mind to it. You have to tell yourself that you can, and not complain that you can't. You don't think I like it when people come calling, do you? I don't. It bores me stiff. But I can't complain, because it's my job. It's expected of me. I bear with it, all of it - the tedium, the boredom, the conversations that go on and on and test the patience of even a saint, but there's no point complaining about it, because it's my job, and it has to be done."

"I'm not complaining," I said mutinously, my voice tight, resentful. "It's not boredom that I'm talking about. I'm fine with being bored. I wouldn't mind being bored. I could sit around all day being bored from dawn to dusk, and I wouldn't mind, not in the slightest. But what I hate is people looking me up and down, up and down all the time, as though I were an exhibit in a museum, or the bearded lady standing up on stage, with the spotlights on her, in a circus."

"Sweetheart, you don't, in any way, resemble the bearded lady. Trust me."

"I'm not saying that I look like the bearded lady, I'm saying that they keep looking me up and down."

"My dear girl, who on earth looks you up and down?"

"All the people here in the palace. All the visitors. Everybody."

"Who cares if they look you up and down? You've changed their dull, humdrum lives. You've given them something to talk about. You've made their lives more exciting."

"Why must I be the object of their interest? Why must they look at me, and pick on my weaknesses? Why must I be the one to be criticized?" I said angrily.

"Because life at the palace is the only thing that interests anybody and everybody, and you, being the newest member of the palace is the focus of attention at present, until the next distraction comes along. You will just have to put up with it, and learn to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to it."

"They must be very unhappy that I haven't given them much to talk about then."

Hyuk did not answer. He went on looking at his paper.

"I said, they must be very unhappy that I haven't given them much to talk about," I repeated, loudly.

"That's why you married me," I said viciously. "You knew that I was dull and quiet and ignorant and silly, and there would never be any gossip about me."

Hyuk threw his paper on the ground and got up from his chair. 

"What do you mean by that?" he said. His face was dark and strange, and his voice was rough, not his voice at all.

"I - I don't know," I said, pressing back against the window. "Nothing. I don't mean anything. Why do you look like that?"

"What do you know about any gossip here?" he said, staring down at me. We were standing so close I could see the rage, and the suspicion in his eyes, a stranger's eyes. 

"I don't," I said, cowing from him, terrified of him, of those eyes. "I was talking nonsense. I wasn't thinking. Don't look at me like that. Hyuk, what have I said? What's the matter?"

"Who's been talking to you?" he said slowly.

"No one. No one at all."

"Why did you say what you said, about the gossip?"

"I don't know. I didn't even know what I was saying. I was angry. I hate these people coming, and I hate talking to them. That's all. I got angry with you because you said I wasn't making an effort to overcome my shyness. That's all. That's all I meant."

"It wasn't an appropriate thing to say, was it?" he said.

"No," I said. "No, it wasn't. I'm sorry. I was childish and stupid to say it."

He stared at me, his eyes inscrutable, his hands in his pockets.

"I wonder if I did the right thing in marrying you," he said. He spoke slowly, thoughtfully.

I felt a chill, and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"I'm too old for you," he said. "I've lived my life, but yours is ahead of you. You should have married a young man of your own age. Not someone like myself, a decade older than you."

"That's nonsense," I cried. "It doesn't matter how old you are, or how old I am. Age doesn't matter in a marriage, you know it doesn't. We are companions."

"Are we? I don't know," he said.

I put my hands on his shoulders, and shook him.

"How could you say these things to me?" I said. "You know I love you so much. How many times must I say it? I love you, I can't live without you."

"It was my fault," he said, not listening to me. "I rushed you into this marriage. I never gave you a chance to think it over."

"I didn't need to think it over," I said. "You don't understand, Hyuk. Why would I need to think it over when I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and grow old with you?"

"Are you happy?" he said, looking at me, and his eyes appeared almost sad suddenly. "You've lost weight. And you look sad sometimes. You used to smile all the time before we came here."

"I'm happy," I said. "I love the palace, and the gardens. I love everything. I don't mind people calling on me. I can be so silly and childish sometimes, I know that. I don't blame you for becoming mad at me. I don't understand myself sometimes. But I'll try to improve, I'll try to be better. As long as you're with me, I'm not afraid of anything. I've never for one moment regretted marrying you, not once."

He bent down, and kissed the top of my head. "Poor sweetheart, it's not your fault. It's me who's to blame. I know that I'm a very difficult person to live with."

"No, you're not," I said eagerly. "I love living with you. You're kind, and gentle, and handsome, and wonderful, in every way. You don't drink, or smoke, or swear, or snore, or smell. You're lovely to be married to, and I'm the luckiest girl in the world to be married to you. I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone else and not you."

"God forbid that I should drink, or smoke, or swear, or snore, or smell," Hyuk said, and he smiled, his face softening.

I smiled too, relieved that the terrifying stranger had gone, and that he was himself again, the kind, loving man that I knew and loved.

"We are companions for life," I said. "We will be married for years and years and we will grow old together, you and me, side by side. And when we are very old - eighty, ninety, a hundred years old - I will be there at your side to tell you that I still love you. We are happy, wonderfully happy together. Our marriage is a success, a wonderful success, isn't it, Hyuk? Isn't it?"

"If you say so, then it is," he said.

"No, but you think so too, don't you, Hyuk? We are happy, aren't we? Aren't we?"

He did not answer. He turned from me and stared out of the window. My throat felt parched and dry, and I swallowed. This is like one of those musical plays at the theatre, I thought, two people in a play, in a moment the curtain will come down, we shall bow to the audience, and go off to our dressing rooms. It feels surreal, strange.

I heard myself speaking in a cold, hard voice, an actress reciting my lines, stilted, scripted, unreal and distant, familiar lines that I've heard so many times before.

"If you don't think that we are happy, it would be much better for you to say so. I don't want you to pretend. I'd much rather go away than live with you, if you don't think that we are happy."

It was not really happening, of course. It was the girl in the play talking, not me. Any moment now, she would burst into song, some stirring song about the end of love, and the loss of happiness.

"Why won't you answer me?" I said.

He took my face in his hands and looked at me, just as he had before, when Mrs. Kim had come into the room with tea, the day I went to the cottage.

"How can I answer you?" he said. "I don't know the answer myself. If you say we are happy, then we must be happy. It's something that I know nothing about, so I'll take your word for it. We are happy. We must be, since you say we are."

He kissed me again, and then walked to his table and sat down in his deep chair. I went on sitting in my chair, stiff and straight, my hands in my lap.

"You say all this because you are disappointed in me," I said. "I'm naive and awkward, I dress badly, I'm shy with people. I told you that I'm wrong for you. And now you know that it's true. I'm not right for the palace."

"Don't talk nonsense," he said wearily. "I never said that you dressed badly or were naive. It's all in your head. It's the same with your shyness. You'll overcome that soon enough. You're still new to this. You'll get used to it in time. You just have to be confident in yourself."

There was a long silence.

After a minute, I glanced at him. He was staring straight in front of him. He is thinking about So Hyun, I said to myself.

"What are you thinking about?" I said. My voice was calm, steady, unlike my heart, thumping madly inside me, unlike my mind, swirling with bitter and resentful thoughts. He picked up the paper.

"Nothing very much, why?" he said.

"Oh, I don't know," I said. "You looked so serious, so far away."

"As a matter of fact, I was wondering if I should arrange a meeting with the Home Secretary," he said. He sat down in the chair again and folded the paper.

I looked out of the window. It looked as though it was going to rain again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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kaizen22
I have re-edited Chapters 1 and 2 slightly. The other chapters remain unchanged.

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Subi1309 #1
Chapter 1: The way i started ,expectations were high
kaizen22
#2
Chapter 23: Hi, guys. I'm currently experiencing difficulties uploading Chapters 24 and 25.

Chapter 24: I Never Loved Her
Chapter 25: Secrets

You can read the two chapters here at this link:

https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/188690157-the-last-empress
omololalois
#3
Chapter 1: Interesting
__suzy__
#4
Chapter 15: the story is getting more interesting ! i'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Thank you for updating
__suzy__
#5
Chapter 14: Thank you for the long chapter !
__suzy__
#6
Chapter 13: I'm enjoying ur story so far. Hope u update soon ^^
Vsanchez2456 #7
Chapter 13: I want to know if you’re changing up the story? I love this, but I can’t but feel confused from reading the first chapter all the way until now. I’d this an alternate story all together or will we go back to the original story?
Vsanchez2456 #8
Chapter 13: I want to know if you’re changing up the story? I love this, but I can’t but feel confused from reading the first chapter all the way until now. I’d this an alternate story all together or will we go back to the original story?