Chapter 21: I Have Missed You So, Oh Sunny

The Present

 I am dreaming.

I stumble over the gnarled roots that rise out of the earth like skeleton claws, blocking my way, making me stumble. The woods crowd around me, monstrous shrubs and venomous plants that I do not recognize coil around my ankles, black and ugly, and the twisting, turning path weaves its tortuous way ahead of me. I look again, and I am at the cottage, yellow freesias are everywhere, choking the steps, merging with the rotting walls, rising like macabre yellow tentacles from the dust-coated ashy windows. But they are no barrier to me, the enchanted dreamer, and I drift on; the door opens, and ghostly cobwebs slowly stir to life in the warmth of my breath. 

She is standing motionless in the middle of the room, her face pale, her eyes glittering, her black hair falling like a cloud over her shoulders.

"So Hyun," I call to her. "So Hyun."

Her red lips curve into a smile, and her slender, white fingers caress the tiny bump on her belly lovingly.

"Speak to me," I cry. "Tell me what happened."

She opens , and forms a word silently.

"Hyuk," I whisper. 

I wake up, drenched in cold sweat.

The sunlight streams in. It is day, and I am in my bedroom in the palace.

The dining hall is quiet and deserted. I eat my breakfast slowly, and walk to the Morning Room. No one is here, Hyuk is in Tokyo on state affairs, and will be away for two days. I feel curiously happy. I am aware of a sense of freedom, a lightness of spirit, a spring in my step, a childish urge to run across the lawn, and roll down the bank. I have not felt like this for a long time since I returned to the palace. It must be because Hyuk has gone to Tokyo. I stretch on a reclining chair, lean back and close my eyes. If Hyuk were with me now, I would not be at peace. My throat would be tight, my breath would be coming in gasps. I would have been watching him surreptitiously, watching his eyes, watching his expression, wondering what he was thinking, if he was angry. How lovely it is to be alone. Now I can relax, none of it matters. Hyuk is away, and I am alone.

A shadow falls across me, and I open my eyes reluctantly.

"Your Majesty," Woo Bin clears his throat self-consciously, and bows.

I sit up. 

"I am sorry to intrude, Your Majesty, but I was anxious about you," he says, turning a little pink.

"Oh?" I say curiously. "Why would you be anxious about me?"

"I believe that Crown Prince Lee Yoon has spoken of a particularly distressing event to Your Majesty. Your Majesty is understandably grieved, and I am concerned about your welfare, Your Majesty," he says, looking troubled.

"Did Hyuk speak of it to you?"

"His Majesty confided in me. The Emperor is deeply saddened that Your Majesty was so - distraught," he says. "Your Majesty, if you could spare me a little of your precious time, I believe I could shed more light on what happened that night of - of the accident."

I stare at him.

"I was there that night His Majesty was involved in that accident," he says quietly. "I was riding the motorbike. It was not the Emperor, but I, who crashed the motorbike. His Majesty was seated behind me, I was careless, I took a turn too swiftly, and I lost control of the machine. Both of us were flung to the ground, and a car came at us. I remember the headlights blinding me, and I thought that I would die. But, His Majesty pushed me aside, and, in doing so, bore the full brunt of the collision."

"My safety helmet had fallen off during the crash, and I would have died, if not for His Majesty. The fact that I live, that I breathe, is because His Majesty saved me. I owe His Majesty my life."

I stare at him in frozen silence.

"Thank God the Emperor was wearing a safety helmet. It saved his Majesty's life. His Majesty suffered horrific injuries and lost a great deal of blood," Woo Bin says quietly. "I was perfectly fine, except for a few scratches and abrasions. His Majesty and I were unaware that the blood meant for your mother was diverted to the Emperor. We never knew, until much later, after you were married. The Empress Dowager mentioned it to His Majesty in a fit of anger during an argument; it troubled His Majesty greatly, and His Majesty spoke to me about it. I advised His Majesty to keep it a secret from Your Majesty, because I truly believed that it would have served no purpose, except to drive a wedge between Your Majesty and the Emperor."

"It was my fault - first, for causing the accident, and, second, for my ill-conceived advice to His Majesty. It is I, and not His Majesty, who is to blame, and I beg Your Majesty for forgiveness. I would understand if Your Majesty finds the sight of me abhorrent and wishes to never lay eyes upon me again. As penance, I shall resign from my post, and leave the palace at once."

He rises to his feet and bows stiffly.

"Sit down," I say wearily. "I am no longer angry. It was not Hyuk's fault, how could it be? If anyone were to be blamed, it would be the Empress Dowager."

"Your Majesty," he says, and looks at me with stricken eyes. "It was my fault. I was careless. I will never forgive myself for the loss of your mother. If I had been more careful, if I had taken the corner more slowly - "

"So many ifs," I say tiredly. "What does it matter now? My mother is gone, and I can never have her back."

I take both of his hands in mine and press them gently.

"Let go of your burden," I say. "Perhaps my mother's demise was fated. She died, so that Hyuk could live. There has to be a reason why she died, and why he lives. Perhaps we'll find out one day."

"Does this mean that you no longer blame His Majesty for your mother's demise, Your Majesty?" he asks quietly.

"I am no longer angry," I say slowly. "It was not his fault, and he did not tell me of it because it would have caused me more pain. If I had been in your position, I would have given him the same advice as well."

I look at him.

"You told me once not to dwell on the past, but to move forward to the future. You said that it would serve no purpose, and only bring back the grief."

He bows his head.

"Do not blame yourself any longer," I say gently. "Let it go, and live well. That is what my mother would have wished. It would have made her very sad to know that her demise had brought so much pain to so many of us."

He looks up at me, and his eyes are very serious.

"I thank Your Majesty for your magnanimity and generosity of heart," he says. "I will heed Your Majesty's words of wisdom. Once, you told me that you were unfit to be an Empress. Today I wish you to know that you are truly a wise and great Empress, and it is my honour to serve Your Majesty and His Majesty for as long as I shall live. I will gladly lay down my life for Your Majesty, and for His Majesty; that is my solemn oath to you."

It is almost 11 pm. I can't sleep. Perhaps a book could help me to sleep. I pad down the stairs in my bedroom slippers and open the door of the library. I pick a book from a shelf, and settle into an armchair,  kick off my slippers, and curl up with my bare feet tucked under my knees. I read for a bit, and start to feel drowsy. Laying down the book, I lean back and close my eyes. Dimly, I register the sound of the library door opening through a thick fog. I am not sure how long I slept, but I wake up, feeling something heavy draped over me. I open my eyes slowly, heavy and indolent. There is a blanket draped over me, and I stir to find Hyuk sitting beside me on the carpeted floor, his arms draped around his raised knees, looking at me. His face is inches from mine.

"Hello," he says softly.

His hair is damp, and he smells of soap. 

"Hello," I say drowsily, still half-asleep, hovering between slumber and wakefulness. "You're back."

"I came back as soon as I could...I did not want to stay another day away from you," he says softly. "Why aren't you in bed?"  He reaches out a finger and lightly brushes my hair from my eyes.

"I couldn't sleep...I fell asleep...I think...I'm still asleep... ," I murmur. "You're not real...you're in my dream..."

"Why am I a dream?" He smiles, and his hand  my right cheek gently.

"Because you come to me in my dreams..," I sigh, and turn and burrow my face into the warmth of his hand, "but when I wake up, you're not there, you're far away, and I can't reach you..."

He leans forward slowly and kisses me softly, gently; a whisper of a touch, feathery-light, unbearably sweet. His kiss tastes of sadness and regret and something else - a poignant yearning, an aching wistfulness. He draws away, and a tear rolls down my cheek. He wipes it away with his thumb.

"Don't cry," he whispers. "I can't bear to see you cry."

But the tears run unchecked down my face and he holds me as I weep, shuddering, and my head with gentle hands.

"You broke my heart," I say, my voice thick with my tears. "You broke my heart."

"I'm sorry," he says, and he gathers me, all of me, into his arms. "I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Please forgive me."

"I don't know if I can," I whisper. "I don't know if I can."

"Don't leave me, stay with me," he says, and he holds so close against him I can hear his heart thudding. "You said that you would never leave me, you said that that we would grow old together. You said that when I grow old, you would be by my side, and you would still love me." He cradles my face tenderly between his hands, and kisses away my tears. "Do you remember? Do you remember?"

"You said that we were companions for life, to have and to hold, for as long as we both shall live. Do you remember? Do you remember?" He says, his voice husky, a slight tremor in it, and I see the glimmer of tears in the dark pools of his eyes.

"I remember," I whisper. 

"Min Yoo Ra helped me during a difficult time, and I am grateful, but beyond gratitude, I feel nothing for her, and she means nothing to me. I ended our relationship when I met you. You occupied my thoughts, my mind. I thought of you all the time. She was before you, before you came into my life. You have to believe me."

"I believe you," I say.

Min Yoo Ra has left the palace for Canada and will never return to Korea, that much I had gathered from my informants. She is no longer a part of our lives, but she will remain, long after we have grown old, in the ashy memories of Hyuk's past, and mine, a speck of dust in the wind, a fading blot of grey in the dying sunset. 

"Miss Seo," Hyuk continues, his voice faltering a little, as if it is too painful to say that name aloud, "as you know, was discharged from her duties upon your return, and offered another employment elsewhere, but she refused to take it. She left the palace without informing anyone and her wherabouts are currently unknown." His face darkens. "My sources informed me that it was she who released Ari's birth origins to the press. Perhaps she knew that she would be revealed as the culprit in due course, and left for fear of repercussions. My men are searching for her, but she has seemingly vanished into thin air."

A sudden memory of a white skull's face and dead eyes watching me from the shadows surfaces in my mind and I feel a chill.

Aloud, I say, "She has left the palace, and has most likely fled to another country. Ari is safe with us, and that is all that matters."

Outside, a light rain starts to fall, and the raindrops patter against the glass windows.

"I did not know about your mother, till much later," he says quietly. "And when I found out, I could not speak of it to you...I did not want to lose you..." He looks at me with tortured eyes. "You must believe me."

"I believe you," I say, and at the mention of my mother, my heart fills with pain.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers, "so terribly, terribly sorry." I can't answer, and I taste the salt of my tears on my lips.

"Forgive me." He lays his head wearily on my , like a child seeking comfort. "Please forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive." I reach out for his hand and lay it against my cheek. "It was not your fault."

He lifts his head and looks into my eyes. I cradle his face between my palms.

"My mother died for you to live," I say, smiling between my tears. "Promise me that you will live well henceforth, so that her death would not have been in vain. My mother would have wished it so. Promise me."

"I promise," he says, his voice raw, breaking a little. 

"You said that you did not wish to linger on the past," I said. "You said that you lived for the present. Let go of the past. Let go of your burden."

"Hyuk, talk to me, tell me what it is that troubles you."

In answer, he tightens his arms around me, holding me tightly, desperately.

"I am afraid," he whispers. "I am afraid of what you will think of me if you know my past..."

I bent and kiss his dark head.

"You have to let go of the past," I said softly. "Only then will you be free."

I draw away from him.

"Let me share your burden. Talk to me."

"Perhaps one day, but not now, not tonight," he says in a voice so low it is almost inaudible.

He reaches out for me blindly.

"Just for today, just for tonight, let us stay like this a while longer, a second longer...I have missed you so, Oh Sunny...hold me tight, do not let me go..."

"Hyuk," I whisper, holding him close to me, feeling him trembling in my arms. "Hyuk..."

It is morning. 

I wake up, and wonder if it was all a dream. 

But then I turn, and see that beloved face next to mine. He is fast asleep, his eyelashes fanning dark and thick against his skin. His chest rises and falls rhythmically with each breath he takes, as he sleeps on deeply, dreamlessly. My hand is imprisoned in his, and when I pull away, he tightens his grip, and stirs.

He opens his eyes and gazes at me for a long moment.

"Good morning," he murmurs.

"Good morning," I smile.

We kiss, taking our time, lingering, our breaths mingling. His lips are warm and moist on mine. The years fall away, and it is as if we have never parted, have never been apart. For a brief moment of time, I could almost imagine that it is yesterday once more, and I am Hyuk's young bride, newly arrived, in love, giddy with love. I trail my fingers over the beginnings of grey at his temples, the lines beneath his eyes, the hollows in his cheeks, and I realize, with a sudden pang, that he has aged. We can never return to the past, we have left it behind us. The future stretches in front of us, unknown, uncertain, but we will venture forth together on faltering steps side by side, Hyuk and I, for we are joined together, he and I, sworn companions for life.

We dawdle over breakfast, and Mrs. Kim serves us in person, beaming as she sees us feeding each other warm toast, and laughing like children.

Hyuk gets a call, and says, "I have to go, darling. I'm running late. I'll see you later."

He kisses me on the lips, right in front of the servants, and a maid almost drops a plate in shock.

I blush and he laughs, and leaves.

I finish my cup of coffee and rise to my feet. Mrs. Kim hurries over, bowing.

"Your Majesty," she beams. "It is such a pleasure to see his Majesty so happy. He has hardly touched his meals since you left."

I smile at her.

"Mrs. Kim, look at you. You are all dressed up today. What a pretty blouse you are wearing."

She has changed out of her uniform and is wearing a bright red silk blouse with yellow embroidered patterns over a black skirt.

"I work half day today, Your Majesty," she smiles. "I am taking the afternoon off. I am meeting a dear old friend for lunch. This blouse is only worn for very special occasions. The material is imported from France, and was a gift from the late Empress So Hyun."

"Oh?"

"Yes, indeed, Your Majesty. It was her last gift to me. The late empress was very generous, and would frequently bestow gifts on the staff. In fact," she touches her blouse reverently, "Empress So Hyun wore a hanbok made from the same fabric the night - the night...oh..."  She claps a hand over , her face suddenly overcome by dismay.

"The night?" 

"I should not have spoken so liberally, Your Majesty. I have been thoughtless." She wrings her hands, looking distressed.

"Pray continue."

"The night - the night the Empress died," Mrs. Kim says haltingly. "Oh, I do beg your pardon, Your Majesty. I should not have spoken of it..."

"Do you mean," I say slowly, "that you saw her the night she died, and she was wearing a hanbok made from the fabric of your blouse?"

"Yes," she said, looking unhappy. "Oh, forgive me, Your Majesty, it was unbecoming of me to speak of such a painful memory."

"Did you see her the night she died?"

"Yes, indeed, Your Majesty. Empress So Hyun called me at 7 pm, and instructed me to send someone over to the cottage with a bottle of red wine. I went there myself in person, and delivered the bottle to her."

"Did you speak to her?"

"She appeared to be distracted, it was as if she was waiting for a visitor. She thanked me and dismissed me, and I left at once."

"What time did you leave?"

"Let's see...I received her call at 7 pm, and I left the palace at 7.10 pm and reached the cottage at 7.20 pm. I must have left the cottage at about 7.30 pm."

"Did you drive there yourself?"

"Oh, no, Your Majesty," she said. "We have special motorized carts to deliver supplies to the cottage and to various locations on the palace grounds. One of the servants fetched me to the cottage and back in a cart."

"I see. Did you see anyone come when you were there?"

"No, Your Majesty  no one at all, nor did I meet anyone on the way."

"There is one more thing - "

"Yes, Your Majesty?"

"When they found her - her body, do you know whether she was wearing the same hanbok?"

"Yes,"  she says quietly. "Empress So Hyun was in the same hanbok when they found her in the lake. I know, because I was there, I - I saw her." Her eyes fill with tears.

A sudden shaft of sunlight from the glass windows catches the gold patterns on her blouse and they burst into life, shimmering, dazzling.

My eyes are drawn to them. Mrs. Kim's eyes follow my gaze, and she says, in a hushed tone, "They are so beautiful, are they not? So vivid, so alive." She the tiny embroidered motifs that rise like molten mounds of gold out of the brilliant landscape of breathtaking scarlet.

"What are they?" I ask curiously. "Are they golden crowns?"

"Oh, no, Your Majesty," Mrs. Kim says. "These are not crowns, but golden freesias...Empress So Hyun loved yellow freesias, they were the Empress's favourite flowers..."