Chapter 17: The Inauguration Ball

The subject of the Inauguration Ball was finally brought up by the Empress Dowager. It was on a Saturday, after a flood of visitors during the afternoon had left.

"We must have the Inauguration Ball as soon as possible," she said. "A lot of people have been asking me about it, and we can't put it off any longer." I couldn't help feeling that if she could, she would have postponed the ball indefinitely, or perhaps, not even have it at all. It wasn't only myself that was dreading it, after all.

It was a moment or two before Hyuk replied, and when he did, his voice was calm and matter-of fact.

"I haven't really thought about it," he said, and glanced at me. "I'm not sure if Sunny is ready yet."

I busied myself sipping my tea from my teacup.

"She'll have to ready herself then," the Empress Dowager said frostily. "It's what everyone is looking forward to, and it should have been held much earlier. It's already August."

Hyuk's eyes met mine over the teacup.

"What do you think about it?" he said.

"I don't know," I said uncertainly. "I don't mind."

"There," she said. "She says she doesn't mind. What empress wouldn't want a ball in her honour?"

Hyuk was still watching me doubtfully. He thinks I can't face it, I thought. He thinks I can't cope. I didn't want him to think that. I didn't want him to feel that I would let him down.

"I think it would be quite fun," I said brightly.

Hyuk shrugged, and turned away.

"All right, if you say so," he said. "It's settled then; Mother, you will have to help with the organizing and arrangements. I'll speak to Mrs. Kim about it, and get her to help you."

"Of course, my dear," she said. "Naturally, I would not expect Sunny to help; it is in her honour, after all. All she has to do is sit back and let us do the job." She flicked a disdainful look at me, and I knew what she was thinking, "That's all you're good for." She excused herself, and went out, while Hyuk went off to his office.

I poured myself another cup of tea, and enjoyed it enormously now that the heaviness of the formidable Empress Dowager's presence had been lifted from the room. Woo Bin popped his head in, and I was delighted to see him. I offered him tea and cake, and helped myself to another slice of fruitcake. I wondered if it was the same in every home, the feeling of exuberance, this light, almost festive air, when the matriach of the family was absent. I told him about the Inauguration Ball, and he listened quietly.

"I wonder if it is true that everyone is talking about it?" I said.

"Oh, it certainly is," he said. "It's a tradition to have an Inauguration Ball for the new Empress. You'll enjoy it. You won't have to do anything alarming. You'll just receive the guests, that's all. There'll be music and an orchestra and dancing. I would be delighted if you could save a dance for me, Your Majesty," he said solemnly. Dear Woo Bin. His quiet gallantry warmed my heart.

"Certainly. I'm not much of a dancer, I'm afraid, but if you're not worried about me treading on your toes, I shall dance with you all night if you wish," I said. "I shan't dance with anyone else, but you and Hyuk."

"Oh, but that would be quite improper, Your Majesty," he said seriously. "You are the Empress and everyone would be eager to dance with you. You should dance with everyone who asks you."

I turned away to hide my smile. He was such a delight to tease.

"I wonder what I'll wear," I said. "Perhaps I should dress up as the Bearded Lady, and give everyone a turn." Woo Bin looked shocked, and I laughed.

The preparations went on for the ball smoothly. I had ordered a gown from a famous boutique, and it arrived in a long box, filled with tissue paper, that crackled as I lifted my gown out of the box. It was gold, and shimmered in the light, crusted with tiny little precious stones that sparkled like a hundred million stars as I turned this way and that, admiring myself in the long mirror in my room. I would dazzle the guests and the nation in this gown, and I felt a surge of confidence and joy at the thought of how beautiful I would look, and how proud Hyuk would be of me.

"Have you decided what you're going to wear at the ball?" Hyuk asked.

"Yes, I have," I smiled, "but I'm not going to let you see it. It's a surprise."

The day of the ball dawned at last. All morning, the gardeners were busy bringing flowers into the palace, hundreds and hundreds of roses, carnations, lilacs, lilies. Mrs. Kim arranged the flowers herself, snipping the stalks, stacking them neatly into the vases with quick, deft fingers. I watched, fascinated, as she filled vase after vase, and the maids carried them and laid them carefully all over, in corners, in front of bare walls, on a side table, beside the long windows, until the palace was filled with the rich, sweet scent of the flowers and the rooms were transformed into magical, enchanted worlds. When evening fell, the palace was a blaze of colours, flowers in every corner, red roses in silver bowls, the long windows open to the terrace, where as soon as it was dusk, the fairy lights would shine. The orchestra was ready, and its members leafing through their music notes, and testing their instruments, the servants walked about, their faces flushed with excitement, and the palace itself wore a strange, waiting air; there was a warmth about it that I had never known before, and the night was still and clear. The palace had come alive, triumphant, exultant, ready to return to the splendour of the grand old days again.

I was about to slip into my gown, when there was a knock on the door.

The rest of the story you know.

Ah Young opened it; to our surprise, the Empress Dowager was standing outside my room. She beckoned to her maid, who gave me a box. Inside was a red gown. She said that it was her gift for me. Her maid dressed my hair, and piled it up high, with a sprig of freesia. I stared at myself in the mirror; I looked like a different person, older, sophisticated. I walked slowly down the stairs, and paused at the bottom of the stairs, and waited for the gasps of admiration, the applause; there was a collective gasp from the crowd of people in the hall, but it was not a gasp of admiration, but of shock, and then they fell into silence. Hyuk stared at me as if he were seeing a ghost, there was no colour in his face; he walked toward the stairs, and said through clenched teeth, "Take it off at once, or I shall tear it off you, here, now."

The moment replays itself over and over in my head; his face ashen white, his eyes blazing with fury, his voice cold as ice, his words cutting, cruel, the faces of the people frozen in shock, their mouths open, the silence stretching endlessly, interminably.

When I look back now, I think of that moment as a watershed, dividing my life into two parts. Like a musical play: Act 1 and Act 2. Before and after. Before: I was young, I loved, and I lived. After: I grew old, my love died, and I died. How can love die so easily, you ask? How can a love so pure, so full, die without a fight, when it had vowed to stay eternal till the end of time? It can, and it does, for there is only so much that a heart can endure, even a heart that is filled with so much love, so much fullness,and there is only so much bruising that a heart can take, before one says to oneself: enough, enough of all this pain, this agony, if this is love, who needs it, who wants it anyway? If this is love, then I don't want it, I will empty myself of it, and I will live without it to the end of my days, for an empty heart will never feel pain, will never be bruised, will never be hurt again.

In my bedroom, Ah Young started to cry; the red gown had been laid aside, and the freesia flowers thrown into the wastepaper basket. 

"Don't cry," I said. "It isn't your fault."

"Let me help you change into your golden gown, Your Majesty," she said, tears streaming down her face.

"I'd like to be alone, Ah Young," I said. "I shall be all right. Don't worry, and enjoy yourself."

There was a knock on the door. Ah Young threw me a quick frightened glance.

"Who is it?" I said.

The door opened and So Jin came into the room.

"My dear," she said, "my dear," and held out her hands to me.

Ah Young slipped out of the room.

I felt tired suddenly, and sat down on the bed.

"Are you all right?" So Jin said. "You look very white."

"It's the light," I said. "It makes me look pale. I'm fine." I marvelled at how calm I sounded.

"I'll get you a glass of water," she said.

She went to the side table, and poured some water into a glass. She came back, the glass of water in her hands. I drank a bit to please her.

"Of course, I knew at once that it was a terrible mistake," she said. "You could not possibly have known, how could you?"

"Known what?" I said.

"The gown. The red gown you wore. It's a copy of the gown our grandmother wore in her portrait. It's hanging in the gallery downstairs. They called her "The Red Empress", because of what she wore. It's an iconic gown, quite famous, in fact, because it was considered quite daring and risquè for her time. So Hyun wore an identical gown to her last ball at the palace. You stood there on the stairs, and for one ghastly moment I thought..."

"I didn't know about the gown," I said, through stiff lips. 

"It was such a shock, you see. None of us expected it, and Hyuk..."

"Yes, Hyuk?" I said.

"He thinks it was deliberate on your part. Some foolish joke. And of course, he doesn't understand. It was such a frightful shock for him. I told him at once you could not have done such a thing, and that it was sheer coincidence you chose the same design and the same shade."

"Your mother gave it to me."

"What did you say?" she looked at me, bewilderment in her eyes.

"I said your mother gave the gown to me. She told me to wear it for the ball, and her maid dressed my hair."

"My mother did that?" she said slowly. "That's why you had the freesias in your hair? Her maid dressed your hair?"

"Yes."

She didn't speak for a while. Her eyes were troubled. 

"We'll talk about this another time. Don't worry, you'll be able to explain to Hyuk quietly. He will understand. Everything will be all right. Everything's all right. I told the guests that your gown didn't fit, and you went upstairs to change."

I did not say anything. I went on sitting on the bed with my hands in my lap.

There was a discreet knock on the door. So Jin got up and opened it, and her husband was standing outside the door, looking sheepish.

"Hyuk sent me up to find out what's happening," he said. "All the guests have arrived."

"Everything's fine," So Jin said. "Tell them that she's feeling faint, but will try and come down later. Tell them not to wait for her for dinner. I'll be down as soon as possible. Everything will be fine."

"All right," he said, his face sympathetic, but curious, wondering why I was sitting on the bed, staring blankly at the wall. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No, go down now, I'll follow in a minute," she said.

The door closed behind him. 

"Would you like some wine?" she asked.

"No," I said. "Thank you."

"It's 8.30 pm," she said. "I will have to go down. Will you be all right?"

"I'll be fine," I said.

She hesitated at the door.

"You'll come down later, won't you? When you feel better?"

I didn't say anything.

She walked out of the door hurriedly. I could sense that she was disappointed in me. So Jin would never do this, she would never sit on her bed and hide in her bedroom. She would have put on another gown and gone down and stood by her husband's side with a smile on her face, welcoming her guests. I wasn't like her. I was weak and cowardly. I kept seeing Hyuk's eyes blazing in his white face, and everyone standing behind him, their faces frozen, staring at me.

I got up from my bed and walked over to the window. The workers were going round the lights in the gardens, testing to see if they worked. The sky was darkening, with a few crimson and orange streaks dashed across it. The palace and the gardens would be lit up when night fell. They had put tables and chairs in the gardens for those who wanted to sit out. I could smell the roses from my window.

I imagined the guests strolling through the gardens later, and chatting, glasses of wine in their hands.

"Where's the Empress?"

"I have no idea, I haven't seen her all night."

"I heard she came down earlier, but went up again."

A gasp.

"Why would she do that?"

A shrug.

"They say she was feeling faint. If you ask me, there's something funny going on."

Murmurs of agreement.

"Indeed."

"They say she's not appearing tonight at all. One of the servants told me that she won't come down from her room all evening."

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's sulking, I suppose. They say her gown doesn't please her."

Sniggers and murmurs of disapproval.

"There's nothing wrong with her, they just had a huge quarrel, that's all."

"Did you see his face?"

A lift of the eyebrows, a long whistle.

"I've heard that it isn't working out, the marriage."

"Well, what did he expect, marrying somebody like that?"

"They say he's beginning to realize he made a big mistake."

"Who was she anyway?"

"Oh, no one at all. Some girl he picked up at some shady theatre, some struggling musical actress, or something."

Gasps of shock, a clucking of tongues.

"Good heavens!"

"I know, and when you think of So Hyun..."

I went on staring at the empty chairs. The sky had turned to ashy grey. Soon the stars would come out. In the woods beyond the rose gardens, the birds were returning to roost. A lone gull flew across the sky. I turned away from the window, and went back to the bed. I lifted the red gown, laid it carefully in its box and closed the lid. I went to the wardrobe, and opened it. I took the golden gown off its hanger. I put it on, and combed my hair. I dabbed my face with powder and applied lipstick on my lips. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like a sleepwalker, my eyes glazed and hollow. I slipped on the golden heels that I had specially ordered to go with the gold dress. I opened the door of my room and went along the corridor. Everything was still and quiet. I came to the staircase. I could hear the hum of voices coming from the dining hall. They were still having their dinner then. The window at the end of the corridor was open. The curtains were blowing slowly, back and forth. The grey evening light cast queer shadows on the floor. I stood there for a moment in my golden gown, and listened to the voices that had become louder. They were coming out of dinner. I could hear the scrapping of chairs, the babble of conversation, and laughter. 

I walked slowly down the stairs to meet them.

When I look back at my first ball at the palace, I remember little details that stood out of the blank haziness of the evening. I remember I felt as if I was shrouded in a fog, and that the world that I knew no longer existed; in its place was a strange new world, with dim faces and indistinct sounds. A sea of faces swam before my eyes, none of whom I knew, the music of the orchestra went on and on, a band emerged midway, strange couples swayed past me and smiled at me, as I stood with Hyuk at the bottom of the stairs, my face hurting from the fixed, set smile on my lips that did little to hide the misery in my eyes. Vaguely, I registered the presence of the Empress Dowager at the back of my mind. She was standing at the corner, surrounded by a group of people. I did not look at her, I did not want to look at her. The mists lifted for a brief instant, and I remembered that she had given me the gown to wear. But it wasn't important anymore, and I did not want to think about the gown now, or why she had given it to me. I was too tired, too weary to think. I could see So Jin, watching me from her husband's arms, and giving me little nods of encouragement every time our eyes met. I remember whirling round the hall with the general, who steered me kindly through the mass of twirling couples, and spoke to me kindly, "That's a really pretty gown you're wearing, much prettier than the earlier gown", and I remember Woo Bin, dear Woo Bin who brought me a plate of chicken and pasta that I could not eat, and Woo Bin who stood by my elbow with a glass of champagne I would not drink.

"I wish you would," he said quietly. "I think you need it," and I took three sips of it to please him. He moved amongst the guests like another host, seeing to their comfort, making sure that they were supplied with drinks and food, and he danced too, solemnly and seriously, walking his partners round the hall with a set face, like a soldier marching to war. He must have hated every minute of that ball, as much as I did. The band played on, and sang lilting, mournful songs about love found, and love lost, and the swaying couples twisted back and forth, back and forth, across the great hall and back again, and it was not I who watched them, but someone else, one of those cardboard props on stage that I used to help cart off to the storeroom after a show was done, who wore a smile pasted on its face, not someone made of flesh and blood, but a wooden, dead puppet of a person. The person who stood beside it was wooden too. His face was a mask, like mine; his smile was false and painted on, like mine. His eyes were the eyes of a stranger's, and not the eyes of the man that I loved, the man that I knew. They looked through me, and beyond me, cold, expressionless, to some place of pain and torture I could not enter, to some private inward hell I could not share. He never spoke to me. He never touched me. We stood beside each other, side by side, the Emperor and the Empress, the host and the hostess, but we were not together. He chatted with a guest, joked with another, smiled to a third, clapped a hand over the shoulder to a fourth, and only I knew that every word he spoke, every movement he made, was mechanical, the work of a machine, a robot. We were like two performers in a play, each acting alone, separate, divided, we were not acting together. We had to endure it, each of us alone, we had to put up with this miserable sham of a show, this travesty of a play, to deceive our unsuspecting audience, these people that I did not know and did not wish to see ever again.

Thr night dragged on, hour after hour, the same faces and the same tunes.

So Jin whispered in my ear, "Why don't you sit down? You look like death."

"I'm all right," I said.

Woo Bin came, and said, "Shall I get you a drink?"

"No, thank you," I said.

"The fireworks are about to start," the general said. "Let's go out to the terrace."

I remember standing on the terrace and staring up at the sky as the giant rockets shot up and exploded and cascaded down to earth in a shining, glittering shower of stars. I remember the cries of delight, the clapping of hands as the skies lit up in crimson and gold. The palace stood like an enchanted mansion, every window aflame, the grey walls shimmering, no longer dull, or dark, but brilliant and alive, vibrant, lit up with a profusion of colours from the falling stars. And when the last rocket burst and the cheering died away, the night that had been so brilliant and beautiful before turned dreary and heavy. The crowds on the lawns broke up and scattered. The guests began to form up in queues to say goodbye. 

"The best evening I've spent in a long time, Your Majesty." 

"I'm delighted."

"Thank you for a wonderful party, Your Majesty."

"I'm delighted."

I bowed and smiled like a dummy, my eyes searching for Hyuk above their heads. He was caught up in a knot of people by the entrance.

"Goodbye, and thank you, Your Majesty."

"I'm delighted."

"Goodbye, a wonderful party, Your Majesty."

"I'm delighted."

I heard the sound of cars starting outside.

They're leaving, I thought. Finally, they're leaving.

Hyuk had gone out to join the Empress Dowager on the steps of the entrance .

So Jin came up to me and said, "I'm worn out. Congratulations, my dear. The ball was a tremendous success."

"Was it?" I said.

"You had better go to bed. You look exhausted. You've been standing all night. Where's Hyuk?"

"Outside with your mother."

"You looked very charming in your gold. Everyone was so taken with you, so you mustn't worry about - you know."

"No."

"Have a good rest tomorrow. I'll tell Hyuk that you've gone up, shall I?"

"Please."

"All right, my dear. Sleep well." She kissed me, and then went off to find her husband. 

I walked slowly up the stairs, one step at a time. I went along the corridor to my room. It was getting lighter every moment, and the birds had started chirping. I did not have to turn on the lights to undress. The first soft rays of dawn had squeezed their way through the gaps at the sides of the curtains. I climbed into bed, my legs aching, a niggling pain in the back of my head. I wondered how long Hyuk would be. The minutes ticked by. I lay on my side, watching the hands of the bedside clock move rigidly down, then up, and down again. An hour passed, then another and another.

And still, he did not come.

I think I fell asleep a little after seven. The light had streamed in and made broad patterns on the walls. I woke with a start, and turned and looked at the side of the bed next to me; it was cold and empty. I slipped into a restless sleep, and when I woke up, it was past eleven. There was a breakfast tray on the side table; Ah Young must have come in when I was asleep. My clothes had been tidied, my golden gown nowhere to be seen; she must have sent it to be laundred. Hyuk's empty space lay next to me. He had not come to bed at all. His pyjamas lay neatly folded, untouched, on the smooth, unruffled bedsheet. I wondered what Ah Young had thought when she came into my room with my breakfast. Had she noticed? Would she have gone out and told the other servants, and would they all discuss it over their breakfast? I wondered why it distressed me, thinking about the servants' gossip. I was conventional, after all; I did not want them to think that I had quarrelled with Hyuk. It was the reason why I had come down to the ball last night. It wasn't because I was brave, it wasn't because I had done it for Hyuk's, or for So Jin's sakes, or for the palace. I had come down for my own sake, because I did not want them to think that I had quarrelled with Hyuk. I had done it for my own personal, foolish pride, and there was nothing brave or great about it. I lay in bed, and stared at the wall, at the sunlight coming in at the window, at Hyuk's empty space.

There was no longer any need to pretend.

My marriage had failed.