I lost my mother when I cried out loud for the first time on this earth. Even before I could open my little eyes properly, my mother decided to close her eyes forever. Yes, she passed away when she gave birth to me.

I grew up only with my father. He worked so hard with all his blood, sweat, and tears without any support from my other family. Should I call them family when they didn't care even for a bit when my mother passed away years ago? They even said that the death of my mother was a karma because my father and my mother got married without their permission. I sometimes wondered, were they really human with that attitude?

True, my father and my mother got married without family's permission a year before I was born. My father's family didn't want to accept my mother because she came from a low class family. But, my dad was so stubborn and was so in love with my mother so he chose to leave his family and stayed with my mother instead.

Lucky for him, he was able to stand on his own even without his family support. He became a successful business man, all thanks to his skill and also his hard work for years.

Because of my father, I luckily grew up as a cheerful kid in a wealthy household even though in that said household, there were only me and my father from the beginning.

But, I thought my luck had its own limit. My happiness, one by one, slipped out of my hand. It started with my father's death when I was 11.

My father was too busy to make money until he didn't take a good care of himself. And I thought that the absent of a wife figure also took a part of my father's workaholic behavior. He left me alone in this world because of cardiac disease.

At that time, when I had no one in my life, I didn't really know what to do. My father's and my mother's big family didn't care about me. They didn't come to my father's funeral. I was mourning alone when I was just a naïve little boy back then.

My happiness had gone, and I turned to be a gloomy kid. There was no rainbow in my life. It was always a cloudy day every day. Sometimes it was a rainy day when I cried alone in my dark room.

But, it was only stayed for two weeks before another luck came to me. In that fateful morning, there was a knock on the main door. I ran to open it, and was welcomed by three smiling faces (two adults and one kid around my age, I thought?). I frowned, who were they?

But as a polite kid I was, I let them in my house and asked them to sit down comfortably on the couch. Later, one of the two adults explained to me that she was my mother's cousin from Beijing, China. That reality didn't make me happy at first. Even if I was just an innocent kid back then, I easily understood the tension between my little family and two big families from my father and my mother. So, I thought it was unnecessary for me to be happy just because a 'family' came to visit me.

My 'guests' apparently sensed my skeptical behavior, the other adult then explained to me that they weren't same like their other family. They did care about my parents, and they apologized for coming late and couldn't attend my father's funeral two weeks ago. They said they couldn't easily fly to Korea because of financial matter.

It was still not easy for me to believe in their explanations, but when the adult woman started to cry and kneeled down in front of me, rambled nonstop about her guilt and whatnot, my frozen heart started to melt down. I could feel their sincerity, so I let them to be a part of my life. I was innocent and longed for love, so when a family sincerely offered their arms full of love, I gladly ran to hug them. And that was the moment when I noticed him, yes him.

He was a son of my mother's cousin, so technically he was my cousin, wasn’t he? I didn’t really know how to address him, to be honest. He was four years older than me, but his face was too cute and too young. I thought he was younger than me the first time I saw him. He was so thin just like a girl (Oh, I mistook him for a girl at first). But, when he asked me to call him 'hyung', I realized my mistake and started to call him 'hyung' just like his request.

I lived with them in my parents' house happily. True, that family really loved me and didn't have any bad intention. Few years passed, and I loved them with all my heart.

But once again, my luck wouldn't stay with me forever. My mother's cousin and her husband (I called them auntie and uncle) passed away in a car accident when I was 23. Once again, I lost a family.

But at that time, there was my hyung who stayed with me all the time, whispering sweet nothing in my ears and promised me that he would never leave me alone. Never, he said. He just lost his parents, but he was so strong and dependable. I adored him so much.

And just like his promise, he stayed with me all the time. He came to my college graduation, one and only family who came to hug me and congratulated me with his beautiful smile. He even kissed me on the cheek, an action that almost got me heart attack. But, I didn't really take that action seriously and easily forgot about that. I believed he just showed his affection as my older brother. He was just too happy for me at that time.

But to my dismay, the action continued and got bolder day by day. It all started with a kiss on my cheek, but it continued with kisses on my forehead, on my jaw, on my neck, and... on my lips.

He quietly touched my body as well. He touched my chest, my abs, and even my thighs without any reason. Those odd actions continued for few months until I pushed him and asked for an explanation from him.

"Sorry, Jongin. I can't hold back anymore. I love you and I really want you, all for me."

That was his explanation. I was so shocked and was not able to give any response. That was crazy! How could a boy fell for another boy? Something like that was called homoual, right? I couldn't believe that my dear hyung was a gay.

"Hyung, you're just kidding, aren't you? You're my brother, and it's impossible for you to love me! I'm a guy, Hyung! Just like you!"

I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I cried silently in front of my hyung. The gay idea was a crazy idea for me. I was a normal guy, I was straight just like a ruler. I love girls, I love s, and I even dated some y girls in the past. My hyung was just so impossible.

I shook my head in disbelief. Even if my hyung didn't say any word to respond my statement, I knew that he was serious with his confession. He truly loved me.

So, I made my decision. A decision that was the best for both of us. I decided to leave my house, to leave my hyung. I knew I was able to support my life with my savings. That was the best choice to let my hyung knew that his feeling was wrong. Yes, I decided to avoid him at all cost.

I successfully avoided my hyung for few months before I got a call for him, sometime around April.

"Jongin, tomorrow is my birthday and I plan to hold a birthday party with my friends and my coworkers. I'll be very happy if you come. Please, Jongin. It'll be the last time. After that, I promise to leave you alone and will not bother you anymore. Please come to your house tomorrow."

Without waiting for my response, he ended the phone call and I sighed. Should I come to his birthday party? He promised me that the party moment would be the last, and I know that he wasn't the type to break his promise.

So, I decided to come to the party. After few months, I came back to my house again. It was just a small party, there were only few people in my house. I believed that they were hyung's friend and coworkers like he said before.

Hyung walked toward me with wide smile on his face.

"Glad to see you here, Jongin. You're my special guest tonight. Thanks for coming."

I forced a smile and said, "Happy birthday, Hyung. Sorry for not bringing any present for you. I made this decision to come just an hour ago."

Hyung chuckled cutely and patted my shoulder. "You are my present, Jongin. I don't need any other present when you're here with me."

I gulped heavily and moved away from his hand on my shoulder. I was relieved when I saw my hyung seemed okay with my action.

"Ah, let me bring a drink for you, Jongin."

"I can do it by myself, Hyung. You need to greet your guests."

"It's a no. You're awkward with strangers, so I doubt that you gonna grab some drink alone. All you gonna do is just standing here alone until the party ends. No fun."

My hyung rolled his eyes and then walked away to grab a drink for me. I sighed tiredly. I didn't really want to hurt my hyung, but I would never reciprocate his feeling. I didn’t have any special feeling for my hyung.

Minutes later, my hyung came back by my side with a glass on each hand. "It's yours." He pushed a glass toward me and I took it. "Don't worry. That one isn't alcoholic. I know you hate alcohol as much as you hate coffee," He added with a glint of tease.

I smiled calmly and he asked me to cheer with him. I did it and then I started to gulp my drink. My hyung was right, this drink was just a syrup or something like that.

But, weirdly, I started to feel pain in my head. My sight was no longer clear, it was blur now. And my surrounding seemed to move around and I found difficulty to stable my body. And that was the last thing I remembered before I out.

The next morning, I woke up with unbearable pain in my head. I tried to open my eyes and the I figured out that I was in a room, on top a soft mattress. I sighed in relief when I realized that I was in my bed room, in my house.

But soon after, my breath hitched when I found another body lying beside me. It was my hyung, without any clothes on.

Panic started to creep in my heart when I checked my own body beneath the duvet. What the ! My condition was exactly the same as my hyung; I was .

I hurriedly brought my body to sit and tried to remember what the hell was happening last night, but my brain seemed to play a trick with me; I remembered nothing.

"Jongin? You awake?"

I turned my head to my side, looking down at my hyung who just woke up and now sitting beside me. "Hyung..." I tried to speak calmly even if my body was shaking crazily. "What happened last night? Why are you in my room? And what happened to our clothes? Why are we... n-?"

It was crazy. I couldn't even speak without stuttering.

My hyung didn't answer in instant. He bit his lips and lowered his head. He seemed to think really hard before he gave me an answer, "You... you forced me last night, Jongin."

I widened my eyes in confusion. "W-what do you mean, Hyung?"

At that question, my hyung lifted his head and stared directly at my eyes. "We... We had last night, Jongin. You forced me to have with you. You ed me so hard until I passed out and could do nothing."

It was like a thunder just hit my head. It was like a strong hand just slapped my cheek. I was so surprised and unable to find any proper response. Had , he said?

The situation was getting worse the moment my hyung started to cry painfully. "Why did you do that to me, Jongin? I never did bad thing to you for 13 years we lived together."

I stayed silent. It was painful to see my hyung cried so badly like that, but I let him cry since I didn't know what to do.

And minutes later, my hyung harshly swiped his tears on his cheeks. He then glared at me with his eyes full of... hate?

"Answer me, Jongin," he whispered dangerously. "Do you hate me? I love you with all my heart as my little brother, but you did something so disgusting to me. I'm pretty sure you do hate me."

My eyes widened at his statement. "W-what do you mean by saying you love me as your little brother, Hyung? Few months ago, you confessed to me that you—"

"That I love you? Yes, right, Jongin. Few months ago I confessed to you that I love you. Yes, as my little brother. What else did you expect, Jongin? I'm straight as a ruler. You didn't expect me loving you as a man, did you?"

I felt something so painful in my chest, as if a sharp knife just stabbed me so hard. My hyung was unexpected. It seemed like he was just playing with me all this time. Not that I had any feeling toward him, but really, I felt betrayed.

"I love you as my little brother, Jongin. Yes, I really do," my hyung whispered once again. He ducked his head low for a second before he lifted his head again to face me. "But I will not tolerate any harassment toward me. So, say Jongin. Do you prefer a jail or... an asylum?"

Once again I widened my eyes as I continued to look at my hyung who was still sitting beside me. I didn't know. I felt something was not right here. Why did I see my hyung smirking at me?

"Hyung, you aren't serious, are you? You want to send me to a jail or to an asylum? But, why?" I nervously asked.

"Yes, what's wrong with that? I should report a er to a police. Or else, I should go to see a doctor and ask him to give some treatments to your mental health. I believe that homoual is a mental disorder."

"H-hyung, I didn't even know what I did to you last night! How can you mercilessly think about sending me to a jail or an asylum? I didn't mean to do any bad thing to you! I swear!"

Once again, I see him smirking. "That's even worse, Jongin. You did a bad thing without realizing. That's more dangerous." His smirk remained when he added, "But, a record as a criminal would surely ruin your future as a leader of your father's company, so I think the second choice will be better for you. I hope you're alright with asylum, Jonginie."

Yeah, that was my tragic story. A story behind my existence in this asylum. They called it a sanatorium for mentally ill, but for me, it was just the same as an asylum. My 'beloved' hyung sent me to this place this afternoon. He talked to the doctor in a room, without me. I waited outside for an hour before a nurse asked me to enter the room and join their conversation.

Wrong, it was not like they let me join their conversation, but it was more like the doctor interrogated me. He asked my name (although I was pretty sure my hyung had told him about my identity), he asked about my feeling at the moment, and for sure he asked about the 'ual harassment'. Of course, I kept my mouth shut all the time. I didn't answer any question.

The young doctor sighed and turned to my hyung who was sitting beside me. "I think we need to do further examination regarding his mental condition. We can't just make random conclusion that he's gay just because he forced you to have with him last night."

I glanced at the man beside me and found out that he looked disappointed because of the doctor's words. I smirked to myself. I was so sure that there was something fishy with my dear hyung.

"I see," my hyung finally responded. "But, when you’re doing the examination, can my brother staying at this place?"

I turned to my hyung and stared at him in disbelief. Why, hyung? Why did you want to send me to this place? You said that you love me as your brother, but why did you kick me out of your life like this? I really wanted to shout out that question, but my lips refused to say anything. And I knew that I was so unlucky when the doctor nodded his head, agreeing my hyung suggestion.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see my hyung's devilish smile. What was your real plan for me, Lu Han Hyung?

To be continued...