Once they finished dinner, Yunhyeong gave Hanbin a knowing pat on his shoulder before proceeding to clean up the leftovers of the soybean stew. Yunhyeong had a knack for guessing what was on Hanbin’s mind and Hanbin was uncharacteristically lost in his thoughts the entire night.

“Sit around the campfire to get warm” Yunhyeong directs Hanbin and Jennie, before he whispers into Hanbin’s ear, “You’ll be fine, just be yourself.”

Hanbin shoots Yunhyeong a grateful look before settling down around the makeshift campfire Hanbin had started with the logs he fetched earlier in the evening. 

-

The campfire was a couple of metres away from the tents and camp resting area so any mumble or whisper was successfully neutralised by the crackling fireplace that provided both new occupants comforting warmth on a rather chilly windy day. Despite that, Hanbin notices Jennie shiver and curl her bare knees from the drafts of wind. He automatically s his jacket in response and proceeds to wrap it around Jennie’s bare legs. 

“Dress a bit more warmly once you go to sleep” Hanbin tells her out of concern, and retreats back to his chair.

There is silence between the two of them, where only the sound of the crackling burning logs and the muffle of Yunhyeong’s voice in the distance could be heard. They were both accustomed to silence. Like how they found comfort in the silence during the long breaks at the secret hideout they now shared, their school rooftop. 

It had been days since Jennie questioned him about his past. And it had stuck in his mind. After days of contemplation, what he knew was that if he decided to tell anybody, it would be her. 

And while he was still unsure of himself and was in the process of thinking things through, in that brief moment when Jennie surprised him by holding onto his hand, he realised how much of a large presence the girl desperately holding onto his hand had occupied. His decision to grasp her hand back was symbolic for him. That he would tell her everything that very day. 

Because she slowly but surely had become a precious person to him. 

-

Hanbin takes long and deep breaths to calm himself, preparing himself for the untold story of his.

“It’s a long story..” Hanbin’s low voice begins, as Jennie’s eyes widen, understanding that the day had finally come. 

“You don’t mind listening to this old story of mine?” Hanbin cautiously questions.

Jennie vigorously shakes her head from side to side in response.

I’ve never been more ready.

Hanbin’s very-present eyes that stared at Jennie moments ago, drift off to distantly fixate on the crackling fire, as if he was searching deep within his consciousness and drawing the memories that he locked away back to him.

As a habit, Hanbin brings one hand to the left side of his chest, rubbing it slightly as if it was a way for him physically calm his own anxiety and leaves it there as he tells his story. Jennie draws her knees closer to her chest and hugs it, readying herself for what was to come.

“I had a childhood friend.” Hanbin begins. 

“We met during preschool and grew up together. She… was my best friend.” Hanbin takes a couple of moments before continuing. It had been years since he opened up to anyone and it was hard to get used to. 

“A lover? People used to ask. We never made those boundaries clear...  it may have simply been familial affection but what was clear to me was that she was my most important person back then.”

“She had my back when I told my parents I had been scouted to become an artist. She wholeheartedly supported me through everything, even when the world appeared to have turned its back on me. 

And unlike others, she was born with a heart condition. She was told she’d never make it into adulthood. The life in her was sapped away as she was confined into the small world of her room; forced to be homeschooled when she reached middle school.

To compensate for that, I would visit her often. Tell her stories of the life outside. She would ask about what I envisioned for my future, and I roughly gave an answer, I was too immature to know any better. That dream later eventually became her own. The dream she envisioned for me.”

“And as days passed and the weaker she grew, that dream somewhat became my mission. I wanted nothing more than to fulfil that dream as quickly as possible for her to witness. 

You see, song writing didn’t begin as a hobby... it was something I learnt to do out of pure need. The need to make something out of myself years ago. The need to push myself into becoming an artist. 

And yet, it was when I was at my worst - my lowest point, that music called to me. It has been with me ever since.” Hanbin wistfully smiles at the thought. 

How ironic of it all… Hanbin pessimistically thought, before he continued on. 

“And as that dream drew near and the date of the big debut was established, the visits to her home gradually became shorter. Less frequent. Even rare. I tried to compensate through phone calls, which were also eventually cut short from the vigorous training programmes the management had me and the others take. 

And .. because I became greedy”

That was my biggest mistake, my biggest sin. 

Flashback to 2 years ago: 

Living the life of a trainee, much less an idol, meant that it was fast paced. Everything was packed and it seemed like 100 tasks were crammed into a short span of 10 minutes. And on top of all that,  Hanbin aspired to write his groups’ songs for their debut. He didn’t want to be just a manufactured product that had no artistic input. He wanted to become a true artist. 

It was unheard of. Rare. 

For an unknown, inexperienced young boy to be the main composer for his own group, but Hanbin was insistent. He wanted to show the world that he could. To show her that he could do it all. 

And his sacrifice for that ambition were numerous sleepless nights, as Hanbin competed against the nation’s renown producers and composers that his management contracted for that very title. The title of main producer. 

Rejection and criticism were the bare minimum. Hanbin was cursed at, sneered at by the song creators in the company for being overly ambitious. For the audacity of a young boy attempting to take away their means to feed themselves. For a young boy like him to possess scary, genius-like talent at creating catchy yet resonant melodies with deliberate and tactful lyrics. 

The producers were frightened by his innate brilliance and yet Hanbin kept seeking to cultivate his prowess, endlessly creating songs day in and out as he continuously sought to improve and enhance his abilities. As the debut day approached and unsatisfied with the tracks that were already approved by the company for the group’s debut album, Hanbin confines himself in his studio for the perfect title track. He was looking for that special spark, but he didn’t know what it exactly was. The track meant more than the world to him and he wanted it to be perfect. Especially because he was living the dream for two individuals.

So the 10 songs that were already approved, quadrupled in number in the span of days. But Hanbin was still not satisfied. 

On the tenth day of locking himself in his studio, one month away from the debut date, a loud slam on the front studio door is heard. 

“Hanbin, I swear to god if you don’t open up, I’m going to break down this glass door” yells Jinhwan, a fellow member of his team. 

After minutes of ferocious slamming and kicking on the studio door, Hanbin’s phone starts vibrating for the tenth time that day. It had been ringing continuously for the past five days and Hanbin had quite enough. A now annoyed Hanbin roughly grabs the vibrating phone and shoves it the drawer under his desk, not bothering to check who the caller was in his irritation. He drapes himself up from his chair and drags himself to the door, to finally open his door for the first time in ten days. 

Upon opening, Hanbin squints from the sudden exposure to such bright light and sees a furious Jinhwan with a smiling Yunhyeong. Yunhyeong back then was a friend and fellow trainee under the same company in the acting department.

“If you didn’t open up sooner, Jinhwan hyung would have beaten me up!” Yunhyeong jokes as he forces his way into Hanbin’s studio. 

“Wow, as expected, it’s an absolute mess” Yunhyeong exhales as he walks around, stepping over the  scrunched up balls of paper that originated from Hanbin’s songwriting notepads. 

 Unlike Yunhyeong, Jinhwan had not taken a step away from his position outside. “You” Jinhwan says, “Stop being such a freaking perfectionist. What are you trying to prove? Just go with what we already have, it’s good enough” Jinhwan snaps back at the dishevelled Hanbin who had developed dark eye bags around the orbit of his eyes. 

“It’s not good enough yet” Hanbin replies. 

“We’re weeks away from debut if you keep acting like this, our debut will be jeopardised. Stop acting so selfishly.” Jinhwan snarls back, he had just about enough. 

“Just one more week.” Hanbin pleads, after realising how intolerable his actions must have been for Jinhwan to have approached him like this. “If I can’t come up with anything else, I will give up”

“Fine” Jinhwan huffs a huge sigh, before retreating back to the practice rooms. 

-

In the midst of creating the beat for a potential song the very next day, multiple bangs on his studio door are heard accompanied by a yell from staff saying that there was an emergency. He opens up his room to be met with the staff member holding up a phone, his parents were on the other end of the line.

Something happened to her, was all that he recalled thinking as he immediately runs to retrieve the phone from the drawer he hid it in a day earlier. 

The events that followed were a huge blur to Hanbin, as if it all occurred in slow motion. Before Hanbin even knew it, he was seated on the passenger seat of a staff member’s car that was speeding to the hospital. 

Why didn’t you answer your phone? We called you so many times? The despair in his parents’ voices over the phone echoed in his mind. 

Amidst the blur, Hanbin shakily remembers to retrieve his phone that he had abandoned all those weeks ago from his pocket. He scrolls through all the countless missed calls he received and leaves the one message that was sent to him unread. He trembles in fear of what was to come. 

Before he even reaches the emergency room waiting area, he sees the distant light of the designated surgery room switching off. Hanbin halts in his step and he stands there. Frozen. He sees the surgeon in charge step out and whisper inaudible words to the family. Screams of grief follow as a body draped in white is wheeled out from the operating room. 

The haunting yells and cries from her parents, the wailing howls from his own parents and the view of them hunched over, sobbing ever so violently, prevented him from taking any further steps towards the scene. 

She was gone. Truly gone. And he didn’t even have the chance to say his final farewell. 

-

Hanbin wonders how many days or weeks had passed before his lifeless cocoon was dragged back to the company. Because at the end of the day, money was all that mattered to them. The room he was dragged into was crowded by executives and his fellow team members as they argued back and forth, none of it truly registering in his mind. 

“I can’t … I can’t do this anymore” Hanbin says in a daze. He dejectedly sat there, staring at nothing in particular, the life lost in his eyes. 

The arguing comes to an abrupt stop, everyone’s attention was now on Hanbin. 

“What do you mean Hanbin?” his fellow team members crowd around him, shaking him for a follow up response. 

“I can’t do this anymore” he monotonously repeats himself, and shuts his eyes closed. Shutting himself from the world in the same process. 

Hanbin was dragged to the company every day despite his wishes. And everyday, he would say nothing but the words: 

“ I can’t do this anymore” whenever he was sent to the agency. Periodically, Hanbin would flip open his phone and stare at it for a while, before snapping it closed and tucking it back into the depths of his pocket. He repeated that every so often, everyday. 

Hanbin’s condition did not escape the fellow trainees’ attention as rumours spread about the infamous genius trainee - whom was now a disfigured fragment of his true self. The tales deeply bothered Yunhyeong, who as a friend, kept his distance to give Hanbin the space he thought Hanbin needed. However, that very day, he decided to inject himself into the situation. While Hanbin’s fellow group members side stepped around Hanbin - whom was now viewed as a lost cause -Yunhyeong takes a very different approach and seats himself right next to his friend.  

“Hey” Yunhyeong calls out to Hanbin, as he grabs onto Hanbin’s knee. “You know, if you keep on blaming yourself for something you did not do, do you think she’s going to be happy?”

There is no response. 

Yunhyeong contemplates his next step for a while before he quickly snatches the phone from Hanbin’s pocket. 

“Ive seen you fiddling with this” as he flips open the phone and is visibly surprised to see the one unread message pop up in the notifications. Before Yunhyeong could meddle with the phone any further, it is snatched from his hand. In that moment, things clicked in Yunhyeong’s mind as he glances at Hanbin who was now staring at the phone screen once more - Hanbin was looking at the remaining unread message all this time. 

“I’d read it if I were you.” Yunhyeong pats Hanbin on his shoulders, stepping away to give the grieving boy some space. 

Before Yunhyeong walks away, he takes a step back towards Hanbin and gives both of Hanbin’s shoulders a tight and forceful grip. 

“You were becoming a musician for her too right? Why are you giving it all up? Don’t you want to fulfil the promise you made to her?” Yunhyeong sincerely asks, before moving away. 

-

Hours go by, and Hanbin simply sits in his seat with Yunhyeong’s words replaying over and over in his mind. His thumb constantly hovering over the ‘read’ button on his phone before he backs away. 

Hanbin hated himself. He was upset that he was so self-absorbed in fulfilling his stupid dream that he forgot about her. Unintentionally ignored her. And, he was simply afraid. He was scared of what the contents of the message would say.

It takes all of his efforts to press on the button before he begins reading her last words to him,

Hey Hanbin, i know you’re blaming yourself. But I specifically chose not to tell you about my worsening condition so that you could focus on you. You’ve spent your entire childhood catering to me and my wishes, my wish was for you to focus on yourself as well.  

I’m leaving first, but remember to take care of yourself okay? Be happy and live on for me too. 

How lonely you must have been? Hanbin questioned in his mind as he snaps his phone shut. He closes his eyes tightly, before the merciless waves of pain that threatened to drown him everyday could completely take over. Despite his efforts, a lone tear escapes and trickles down Hanbin’s cheek. 

And in that instant, as if he was taunting his own self - a sorrowful melody comes to his mind. It was the same spark of inspiration he desired for while he locked himself in his studio. Hanbin scoffs at it as it was… 

Unwelcomed. Because he was undeserving.

Uninvited. As he no longer sought for it. 

Unwanted. As he told himself he could no longer do it. 

And yet, the melody with hauntingly mournful lyrics lingered in his head, as if it took a life of its own and buried itself in his own soul. As if it did not want to let go. 

-

With her final message in mind, Hanbin forces himself into the studio again as he creates a demo of that very song. 

Despite this, Hanbin was resolute with his decision of resigning from the group. He did not have the mentality nor the inclination to debut as an idolised artist and was opposed at the thought of dragging his fellow members down. However, in honour of the promise he made to her, he was willing to gift the song to the team. That way, he would become an artist in his own right. 

Thus, fulfilling both their dreams in the only way he deemed possible. 

“Like I said, I can’t do it anymore. I resign from the group… ” As he explains to the executives for the final time, before looking at the members he promised to debut with in the eye, “but I do have a new song…” 

-

Cut to the group’s debut day: 

While his former group’s debut single hit number one nationwide, leading them to instant success, Hanbin trudges along the banks of the vast Yeongsan river. 

“To the beautiful you.” He says out loud and pauses, as he looks over the vast river. It was the river she chose to scatter her cremated ashes over, partly because she wanted to be one with the wind. 

To the you who shouldered such burden even til your last breath, as I relentlessly chased my dreams, he silently thinks

“This is my final gift.” 

Hanbin plays his first official song ‘Goodbye Road’ on his speakers, and forcefully closes his eyes before any tears are further shed. 

If I knew we’d say goodbye, then I wouldn’t have loved you this much

I didn’t meet you just to cry

I didn’t build up memories to say farewell 

But again, we became strangers so easily

I didn’t love you to merely say goodbye 

(Yet I’m slowly getting used to it) 

Take care as you leave on the rough goodbye road. 

Please leave me and walk only on the flower path

Please go carefully, as you walk on this lonely road

Throw away all of memories of me

Living in the past 

Is such an incompetent loneliness

Being forgotten in these memories is such a cruel pain, more than any other moment

I loved you to death but in the end, I did not die

I take a deep breath but when I exhale, it becomes a sigh

Everyone goes through break ups so let’s not be sad

Goodbye, goodbye, if only I knew we’d say goodbye

I wouldn’t have loved you this much

Goodbye, goodbye, if you are going to leave anyway 

Live happily without any regrets 

Take care my beautiful person. Leave me and be happy

Please go carefully my heart breaking love

Don’t hurt like you did when you were with me 

Please don’t be in pain

//

“And that’s it.” Hanbin breathes out a sigh of relief, after he finishes telling his story.

Hanbin was slightly self conscious about exposing himself for the first time since he could remember. 

He had expected to be hit by a flood of overwhelming emotions - mimicking the grief he had experienced all those years ago - especially since he had kept them tightly hidden away for such a long time. Yet it was surprisingly nothing like that. He felt more of a sense of relief than anything else. It was if a weight had dropped off his chest. 

He stares up into the now darkened sky, covered by shining stars. It was something he felt in recent days, yet he could not put his finger on it. The heavy feeling that weighed down on his heart every time he used to stare up into the vast sky was no longer present. He thought it was strange at first. He wasn’t used to it, as he had spent two entire years becoming accustomed to the heaviness in his chest. 

“Do you know why I’ve always liked open spaces like this?” as Hanbin inclines his neck further back to get a better view of the skies. 

Jennie just stares in silence, the lump in getting larger as she’s tries to suppress her emotions. She was deeply affected by Hanbin’s past and could not fathom how he managed to deal with all. And the image of a younger Hanbin, constantly suppressing his tears made her heart ache even further. 

After a couple of seconds of silence, Hanbin stretches his hand out as if it was an attempt to reach out to the skies, and tries to grasp onto it, like he always does.

“You feel closer to her” Jennie whispered, trying to force down the tears that were threatening to spill over. “Like on the the rooftop”

Hanbin does not respond, deep in thought. 

“It’s not that”, he replies. Hanbin slowly retracts his outstretched hand and uses it to cover his eyes. Smiling to himself in the process. He notices how the slightest sound of her voice pushed out all the thoughts of his past away, his mind entirely focused on just her now. 

“It used to be so that I could keep her company” he pauses for a moment “but in recent days, it feels like I have truly, finally, finished saying my goodbye” he mutters, just enough for Jennie to hear. 

“Do you still miss her?” Jennie asks.

“Sort of, like how you would miss an old friend” Hanbin replies. 

“Then, do you still blame yourself?” Jennie manages to barely ask, as she desperately tries to contain herself. 

Hanbin is silent for a moment. 

“I don’t entirely know. You know, I locked these memories up for so long because it brought along so much pain. But now that I’ve told you, it kind of feels like a load has been released off my chest.” He turns towards her: “I’m glad I did it” 

Jennie was now sniffing back her tears and wiping them away with her bare hands. 

Hanbin affectionately smiles at the sight, and gently wipes away the tears from both her cheeks with both his hands. His hands remain on her cheeks for an extended amount of time as he sweetly smiles at the sight of her shyly trying to hide from his gaze. 

The sight of the tears that were b at the corner of her eyes, the slight crease between her tightly shut eyes as she tries to evade his gaze, and the slight downturn of the corners of as she was trying so very hard to control her tears, stirred a surge of warmth from within Hanbin. He holds back his sudden urge to wrap his arms around the crying girl. 

Unknowingly, Hanbin had become hesitant and slightly afraid, because he truly wondered if the lovely girl that sat next to him, whom he recently realised he truly adored, would actually like him back. Especially now that all of him was revealed. 

“Are you okay?” Hanbin asks in a gentle manner, as he continued lightly cupping her cheeks. 

Jennie nods in response, as she continues squeezing her eyes shut, overwhelmed by the flood of emotions that came upon her. 

“Thank you for crying on my behalf” he endearingly the tears that continued falling onto her flushed face. 

They remain like that for the longest time. And when he finds that the tears do not stop, Hanbin slowly brings his forehead towards her own, pressing onto it gently, before breathing the words:

“Thank you, truly” 

I think I really like you, I really do… 

//