Moonbyul's POV

It's been almost 6 months since the incident. No...Let me be honest. Since I tried to take my own life.

At first, the girls got so traumatized and paranoid that none of them wanted to leave me alone. 

I don't blame them. It's obvious I would do the same or even worse if Wheein, Hyejin, or Yongsun went through something similar.

The things between Yong and I are paused. It has been decided by both of us. Well, mostly by myself but she said she got it and that she would wait for me.

Even though it was not my intention to be on her way toward happiness, I was glad I didnt make her give up on me.

One of my best friends outside Mamamoo had recommended me a great doctor specialized in mental health and I started treatment shortly after my last crisis.

She is indeed an amazing doctor. We have appointments 3 times a week.

Since then, I have learned many things about myself. However, I've always known some other things and I am working to overcome them.

The first step to my recovery was to watch old videos of mine and forgive my inner devil for allowing people to make me hate who I was.

I also had to overcome the bitterness involving all the people in the business that humiliated me about my visual and singing skills.

The second step was understanding that I don't owe anybody anything and that I just need to fulfill my own expectations about myself.

The irony is that even though other people's expectations may be high, they are way lower than the ones I have. So it has become obvious that nobody can hurt me the way I do.

And no, I dont have pleasure with self-hurt as many would think. It's just a vicious circle I got into and I am trying to escape from this pattern.

The third step is the one I am working hard on how to make things better. In this case, I have to practice self-love. And not like I did before. 

I can't use someone else's affection to manipulate my mind into having self-respect and self-love.

It's not easy to fight this war. Nonetheless, I feel stronger day by day. And I am