The Miles Between Us 

*.☽.*


 

5:46 PM

I was in my room, sitting and facing the mirror on the vanity table. I stared at my reflection. My eyes were puffy, and my nose and cheeks were red from crying. I silently shed tears on the train and even after I came home.

Aunt Sunny and Jihye weren’t home since they had to visit a relative in another town and wouldn’t be home until tomorrow morning, Uncle Jinwoo was still at work so I had the whole house to myself.

I cried, so hard the moment I reached my room. And as I gave in to this vulnerability, I remembered everything that happened recently. From Ara to Eun Chan, my mom, Manager Kang, the news and the possible aftereffects…

Baekhyun and his career…

My god, I swear I’m losing my mind.

My phone was right in front of me. I held it in my hands a few times but ended up putting it back on the table, not having the heart to call him.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
I can’t break up with him again. I cannot handle it.
No, I don’t want to leave him…

But then, as I thought of Baekhyun during his concerts and remembered the sparkle in his eyes when he performed, the glow on his face when he talked to his fans…his laughter on TV, his songs, his voice…
It would not be fair if I had him all to myself. I wouldn’t be happy knowing he risked something he loved for me.

I can’t be selfish.
How is this love right when he has to lose something important to him in exchange?
Maybe this is wrong, maybe meeting him is.
Maybe going back to Korea is.

Wiping my tear-stained cheeks, I took my phone in my hand once more, and with slightly trembling hands, I went to my contacts and pressed his number.

I felt my heart being gripped. 

I took a deep breath, undeniably unprepared for the heartbreak that was coming the moment I heard his voice. For a second, I prayed that he wouldn’t pick up the call. I wasn’t ready.  

“Hi, Baby.” He answered on the third ring.

He sounded so glad I called and the affection in his voice made me lose it.

“Did you call because you missed me already?” He teased.

With blurred vision due to tears, I covered my mouth as I started crying once more. I was afraid that he would have the slightest idea of my breakdown.

“Hey…” He muttered. “Baby, is everything okay? Are you home?”

I gulped, hoping I could get the words I needed to say out.  
How do I even start with this?

“Are you crying?” He asked, all of a sudden.

He was worried and I couldn’t take this anymore. I took the phone away from my ear so I could sob freely as I wiped the tears from my eyes since they wouldn’t stop from flowing.

I was not ready to do this. No, the truth was, I would never be ready to break his heart.

“Baek…” It took every ounce of energy I had left to reply.

My voice instantly gave me away.

“Baby, why are you crying? Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m sorry.” It was all that I could say.

No. No. Park Hae Won, don’t you do this. Please.
The part of me that loved him so hard wanted to break free.

“What are you sorry for?” He sounded confused. “I...I don’t understand, is something wrong? Did something else happen?” His consecutive questions somehow hinted that he knew what was about to happen.

I took a deep breath as my free hand reached for my chest. It hurt so much, I thought my heart was going to explode any moment from now.

Please. NO. Please.

“Hae Won.” He muttered, his voice serious. “Tell me this is not what I think this will be about…Please.”

The way he said please…

“I’m sorry Baek…” I apologized once more before I paused to bite my lip to suppress my sobbing.

“Baby no, please…” His panicked voice filled my ear. “Stop-”

"Let’s break up," I added in a barely audible voice.

There was a brief silence…
One, two…four seconds.

"What are you talking about?" In denial was evident in his tone.

I was sitting but could still feel my knees weaken at his remarks.

This was too much.

"Let's break up, Baekhyun." I said once more as I mustered the remaining courage I had left. “Let’s end this.”

Three seconds.

"Wait...how-you....you don't mean it, do you?" He stuttered and I could sense how this was making him feel now. “Why are you doing this all of a sudden? We were fine this morning, right? You even told me you’re going to wait for me. How come you’re talking about breaking up now?”

It was almost as if I could hear his heartbreaking.

"Let's stop seeing each other,” I replied, my voice almost broken.  “Don't come looking for me anymore."

It was like stabbing my own heart. No, I was stabbing my own heart.

"Wait Hae Won." He stated. "Why are you doing this? Did someone tell you to do this? Did someone talk you out of this? Was it Eun Chan? Ara? Someone from the company? Who?"

“No Baekhyun.” I shook my head as if he could see me.

I heard him sigh and it took him seconds to speak.

“You do know that this is unfair right? You’re breaking up with me on the phone. Why now? Why, when I’m miles away from you…when I can’t do anything to stop you from leaving…”

I know I was being unfair.
I couldn’t stand the undeniable pain I could sense in his tone. I could imagine how afflicted he looked right now.

"This is tiring. I'm tired of all of this." I reasoned out, desperate to find a better excuse. “I’m tired of crying. Just let me go. I can’t deal with this anymore.”

I could feel him walking back and forth, his breathing a bit ragged.

“We already talked about this, right? I told you and promised you that I’ll fix things. We’ll get through this together. I don’t get why you’re telling me this now?”

He sighed.

“Baby. If I had to tell the world I’m with you, I would. If that’s the only way we could be free. I will tell everyone that I don’t have any sort of relationship with Ara anymore and that you’re my woman.”

I didn’t answer as I closed my eyes, biting my lip to keep myself from sobbing.

“C’mon Hae Won, don’t do this.” He was practically begging.

"Baekhyun. You know that this is not going to work out. I'm sorry." I forced the words out of my thoughts and barely had the strength to verbalize them.

I was sure I heard him sob.

I hate myself.
I undeniably and utterly hate myself for doing this to him.

"Baby, I’ll be home in a couple of days. Wait for me, please. Let's talk about this when I arrive in Korea, okay? Not now."

He sounded so sad, I swear it was killing me.

"No Baek. I won’t wait for you."

"Hae Won..."

The way he sounded when he said my name was excruciating.

I couldn’t stand talking and hearing his voice any longer.

"Goodbye, Baekhyun." I bid.

Then, without giving him a chance to reply anymore.

I ended the call.

I stood and walked towards my bed but instead of sitting on it, I bent my legs and sat on the floor with my back leaning on the bed as I continued to break down.

My phone, which was still in my hand, rang. His name is on my screen. I looked at it for a brief moment, tempted to answer and hear his voice again but ended up putting it on the bed, far enough so I couldn’t easily reach it.

It stopped ringing only to start once more.

And again.
And again.
Again.

My crying mixed with the sound of my phone and ignoring it made me hysterical. So, I mustered all the remaining courage that I had left to turn off my phone.

"I'm so sorry," I said in between sobs.

I couldn’t imagine how he felt right now.
He’s in Japan and he was about to perform at his concert tomorrow.
It was cruel to put him through this.

I just broke his heart.
Probably as broken as mine right now.

Unforgivable.
This is.


*.☽.*

That night when Uncle Jin Woo saw me in the kitchen when we were eating dinner, I knew he wanted to ask me about how I looked. My eyes were puffy and my voice was hoarse from crying yet for some reason, he didn’t. I knew he was concerned but he was probably also too hesitant to ask me. I also kept spacing out the whole time and didn’t have the right appetite to eat so I just waited for him to finish eating so I could wash the dishes.

As I was left alone in the kitchen, I couldn’t help but remember the last time Baekhyun was here. How he was so hungry at that time, he got us both in trouble. I recalled how pale he looked at me when he saw a petrified Ji Hye, unbelievably staring at him before Aunt Sunny joined us and made matters worse.

I swear, I was so tired of crying but standing alone in the kitchen with my thoughts filled with our memories here together was triggering every part of me that’s sane to give in all at once.

I walked to my room as fast as I could but stopped when I reached the door. It was as if I could see him standing, holding on to the doorknob with a playful smile on his lips just like the last time he teased me asking me if we weren’t going to do it.

I am certain that this is how it’s going to be in the coming days.
How am I supposed to survive this?

There was no way, I’d survive this.


*.☽.*

The next couple of days were unbearable. I couldn’t hide and kept pretending so I told my aunt about my breakup with Baekhyun. I poured everything out to her, I was so hurt and in pain, that I’d go crazy if I held it all in. I knew Ji Hye was too scared to ask me why I was acting this way so I also told her Baekhyun and I were over. When she cried, asking why I told her and did my best to explain that none of this was Baekhyun’s fault. I didn’t know how she took it and couldn’t blame her for feeling heartbroken as well.

I stayed away from my phone the best way I could. I knew Baekhyun had been calling me and it took every ounce of control I had not to answer them. I didn’t even read his messages.

I hope my feelings die just like how my phone died when it ran out of battery.


*.☽.*

10:14 AM

It was a Tuesday Morning.

It’s been three days since I broke up with Baekhyun. Nothing’s better. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how it’d get better. It was impossible. I had been trying my best to divert my attention to other things but as expected, I kept failing. I tried to listen to music but the first music that played was his song.

He’s everywhere. Especially in my thoughts.
I think about him every time. Like every ing time. I don't know what else to do.

I was at the shop, busy arranging the flowers alone since Aunt Sunny was inside. I didn't know I was crying again until I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I immediately wiped it with the back of my hand afraid a customer might see me. However, I realized that it was too late when I heard someone walk.

"Excuse Me." I heard someone call.

Flustered, I turned around and saw a teenage boy. It's Soo Jin. A fourteen-year-old who lived a few blocks from us. I often see him around here and I noticed how he would always have his eyes on his phone even when he’s walking on the street. And that was what he’s exactly doing right now. He seemed to be playing something on his phone.

"Yes, Soo Jin?" I asked as I tried to steady my voice. "Are you going to buy flowers?"

"No." He answered briefly, his eyes still on his phone, his fingers busy. 

"So, how can I help you?" My forehead creased.

"Someone asked me to call you." He replied in a very straightforward manner.

My heart started to hammer right away upon hearing the word someone.

"Who?" I hesitated.

Please, let it not be Baekhyun. I was silently praying.

The boy shrugged.

"He's in the car." He replied as she briefly took his attention from his phone and looked across the street.

There was a sleek, black Audi across the street. The sight of the car in front of the shop turned out to be a painful thing to see as well.

It’s him.
It’s Baekhyun.

Just knowing that he was here, a few feet away from me.
God, I won’t survive this.

"Okay Soo Jin, just go home." I panicked, turning away from him to the flowers.

"What should I tell him?"

"I don't know. Tell him I'm busy. Just tell him anything.” I replied breathlessly, looking at the boy again.

I shouldn’t see him. Not yet. Not now.

"He told me that if you won't go out, he'll go out of the car all the way here." The boy warned his eyes still not leaving his phone.

I was taken aback, my brain lagging for a brief second.

"He said that?" I asked, nervous.

Soo Jin nodded.

I tensed debating if Baekhyun would do it. I checked the street and there were more people than usual. He would grab attention and get noticed the moment he got out of his car.

Then I made up my mind.
No. He wouldn't do it. If he did, then he’d be in trouble.
He wouldn't risk it.

"No," I muttered, convinced he wouldn’t do it. "Tell him to leave