Chapter 22:



 

*.☽.*

…I saw tears forming in his eyes.

Guilt.
It was guilt that took over me the moment I saw the pain in his eyes. How could I ever have forgotten that this was his battle too? How could I have only focused on myself? To my pain, to my insecurities. But then, as I think about it now…I kept asking myself, would things get better or worse after this? Would I be able to handle more issues like this in the future?

When I was at church this morning, I thought about my life in Australia. How long would I be able to delay my return? My parents were waiting for me, my whole life there was waiting for me. It almost seemed like I had everything put on hold just to come here. Looking back, I was so sure about everything, every decision that led me here. About him, about us. I was so sure. I swear I was so sure.

I didn’t know what’s gotten to me but I suddenly felt unsure.

And now, as I was staring at him, I couldn't help but continue to cry. I felt so bad that he had to ask me to trust him because I failed to do it in the first place. I doubted him by choosing to listen to my apprehensions.

So, maybe I don’t deserve him. Maybe he deserved someone strong enough to handle the pressure. Maybe he deserved someone who could truly understand his job.

Maybe, it wasn’t me.

I closed my eyes as I lifted my hands so I could remove his from cupping my face. When I looked at him, I saw how confusion took over his face. His eyes were full of questions. His lips slightly parted but no words came out of his mouth. He was just staring back at me, probably waiting for me to rationalize and justify my actions.

I was still holding his hands, taking them between us as I struggled to find the right words to say.

“You…” I muttered but paused as I sobbed. “I don’t think...” I stopped once more hoping that I could at least let the words out. “I don’t think I deserve you…”

I bit my lower lip as I tilted my head down to gaze at our hands before I started to let go of him. I saw how his hands limply fell to his sides.

“W-what are you t-talking about?” He asked stuttering, his voice a bit shaky.

I brought my hands to my face to wipe my tears before I gathered every ounce of courage I have to face him once more. It was excruciating. Seeing how he gazed at me unbelievably like I just said the most ridiculous thing ever. Hurt was evident in his expressions and it was obvious that he was tensed because kept wetting his lips and even biting them.

“I don’t…I don’t think I’m strong enough Baekhyun. I thought I was.” I moved my head sideways.  “I thought I was brave, it turns out I’m not.”

“I…” He took a deep breath as he turned the other way, lifting a hand to run his fingers through his hair. “I don’t understand Hae Won.” He said, meeting my eyes once more.

I went silent for a few moments as I let out a few sobs while convincing myself to verbalize what I had to say. I opened my mouth but eventually closed it once more in my inability to come up with the right words.

“Baby.” He muttered as he slightly bent down, and brought his hands on my cheeks to wipe my tears. “Maybe you’re just confused right now.” He let out a hesitant smile. “Why don’t we hike for a bit to clear your mind, hmm? Maybe you just need some time to think. Let’s go.” He talked fast in a slightly panicky voice.

Without any warning, he grabbed my hand and led the way. I was so unprepared he was able to carry my whole weight with him. I stared at his back while we made a few steps away from the car and the pain I felt in my heart seemed to grow over my chest. I couldn’t stand this anymore, letting him do this would only make things more painful.

“Baek,” I called, expecting him to stop walking but he didn’t.  “Baekhyun,” I said once more, my voice almost broken but he still didn’t budge.

I knew he heard me and I was certain he knew where this was going to lead. And it pains me even more to prolong this.

“Let’s just…” I made my voice louder than usual and with one last breath, I closed my eyes and mouthed the words I’d been meaning to say. “Let’s just end this while we still can.”

He stopped on his feet right away and as if in slow motion, I watched him turn to me, looking undeniably taken aback by what I just said. He was holding my hand so tight that I struggled a bit to break free from him.

“What do you mean to end this while we still can?” He said in a low voice, his face slightly turning red. “I can’t.” He moved his head sideways. “No.” He added defiantly.

“Baek-”

“No.” His eyes were piercing through mine.

Unable to come up with a reply, I just closed my eyes, trying my best not to start crying again.

“Don’t you trust me?” He asked all of a sudden.

I met his eyes for a second before I had the courage to answer.

“I do…” I replied in a weak voice. “I trust you-”

“Then maybe we can still work this out. I just need you to trust me. You know I love you and you love me too, right?” I could sense the desperation in his voice this time while his eyes were seemingly pleading.

I bit my lower lip.
I love him. God, I love this man so bad but …

“Right?” He sounded pleading more than just asking.

He waited in my silence. He waited but I never had the courage to answer. If I tell him that I love him, it would make things way harder, if I tell him that I don’t…he’d probably believe me.

“My god Hae Won.” He sighed gloomily.

My heart broke as I watched him close his eyes, took a deep breath, and brought his hands to his waist. I watched his every move, the twitching of his lips as he attempted to say something but didn’t. His hair, as it gently sways every time the wind blows. His tensed shoulders as they slumped. Then he brought a hand to his face, his entire palm covering both eyes for a brief second.

God, he’s crying.
I saw a teardrop roll down his cheek.
I wanted to break down.

I filled my lungs with air. I cannot bear looking at him in this state and the fact that I was the one to blame, made me feel worse. I was starting to cry again as my eyes watch him do the same thing. I heard him sniffing before wiping his tears, his fingers meeting the corners of his eyes. When he finally removed his hand from his face, he turned to stare at me.

“Please don’t do this to me.” He pleaded his voice just above a whisper.

He brought his hand to my face to caress my cheek but I looked away, leaving his delicate fingers tracing my jaw instead.

I wanted to give in to him so much. I wanted to just forget about my decision to free us both from this complicated situation. I wanted to just hug him and tell him I’m sorry for acting like crazy since we met this morning. I wanted to.

But then again, I knew that things would just get harder. More painful than it already was. This relationship would keep hurting me…us.

So, after a few moments of silence, I forced myself to move my head sideways.

“I’m sorry, Baekhyun.” I bit my lip. “I’m sorry.”

Seeing how heartbreak took over his face, my tears fell onto the ground right after I tilted my head down. I immediately took his jacket off of my shoulders and handed it to him before I hastily took the way up to the mountain, never looking back.

*.☽.*
 

I had been walking for twenty straight minutes, my tears keeping me company the whole time.  I kept recalling the look on his face before I left him. It was excruciating to see him crying because of me. But I had to do it right? I had to do it to save us both from each other. I didn’t want to stay with him when I knew for a fact that I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the things that might come between us.

I barely managed to convince myself that I’d be fine after reading the comments about him and Ara. I didn’t like the fact that I was so affected by other people’s words. I didn’t like what happened to me. I was so insecure, I was so intimated. I felt so small being someone who couldn’t even compete with Ara. And I also hate the fact that I had to compare myself to her. I was not like this, I don’t do this. And I don’t know what’s happening to me.

Then a strong wind blew without warning. I felt cold. So cold I had to wrap my arms around myself. I was only wearing my long-sleeved, beige knitted sweater, jeans, and sneakers. I immediately stopped on my feet, looked up, and saw how the foliage of the towering trees moved along with the air. I suddenly felt weird, I felt that sinking feeling in my heart again but this time it was worse. I blinked my eyes a few times as I ignored the feeling and stepped forward.

But then, I barely walked a few steps away when I stopped once more. I felt the need to stop because it almost seemed like every step I made away from the entrance of the hiking place was torture. No. I shook my head as I convinced myself to continue walking but my feet stopped moving again.

Suddenly, my tears stopped flowing.

A void. I was sure there was a void right behind my chest and it was slowly every strength I have left. I closed my eyes and all I could see was him. Memories of him smiling and laughing flooded my thoughts. I even remembered the first time his delicate fingers caressed my cheeks. How he would pull me closer into a gentle hug. Oh, God.

I opened my eyes and looked behind me and found no one. I wasn’t expecting him to be there but the trails leading back to the entrance of the hiking place seemed to magnetize me as if it was telling me to go back.

He’s not here and the thought of his absence was slowly trying to kill me inside. My hands fell to my sides and I froze as the realization hit me hard. My hear