I found Yixing sleeping awkwardly on the sofa at my place. His shoulder craned in an uncomfortable position.

I ran my finger through his hair , half awake , he instinctively caught it as i watched his eyes flutter open against the morning sun.

A gentle tug and I was sitting in front of him in between his legs leaning on his chest.

“ Sleep well? “ he asks me.

I nod against his heart beat.

I ask him if he was busy, he said he only needed to leave in about 2 hours.

The minutes seem to tick by slower, his heart beat a steady rythym to it.

“ Yixing “ i mumble almost falling asleep again.

He my back in response. Suho and I were close , very close , but the feeling i got from Yixing was entirely different. Suho and I had grown up together all our lives, we would watch TV with his head in my lap, or sleep in the same bed. Like brothers and sisters. Things changed at little when he debuted but when I visited , everything would till go back to how it was initially. Lazing around and eating cereal for dinner. Then it dawned on me , that i might have fallen for the younger boy.

“ We wont have time for each other , when you go to Japan in May”

“ Is this a yes ?”

“ No , its a , lets sort this out a little “

“ Jungie ! You can’t sort love out , its not a maths question or a mess in your room “

I hit him gently against his chest and laugh.

“ We still need too, and I’m gonna be moving my shop soon so things will be really busy “

“ You are ? Since when ? Why didn’t  you tell me did you find another place ? “

“ Suho helped me find a place in a safer area , he said people won’t dare to cause trouble , apparently they’re a couple of well known designers there too “ I explain to him how things were going to work out.

“ Oh.. “ he smiles half heartedly

“ Why ? Theres that look on your face “

“ Nothing , I just wished I was like Suho Hyung , so that I could do these things for you , maybe you’d consider me more “

I took his face in my hands , “ Yixing-ya, I don’t need two people doing the same thing for me okay , You do other things for me too , Suho is like my older brother who constantly worries “

He laughs a little “ yes I don’t want to be your older brother , something else would be good”

 

 

 

----------------

I peak into the box and see my name written on countless envelopes.

Letters? from who?

I take them with with me and sit by the bed, I hear Suho and Yunho trying to figure out something to do with the pots and pans in the kitchen. The conversation is about frying an egg and I can’t help to laugh quitely.

The hand writing is familar and i can help but let my finger graze over them as I pick one up. My heartbeat quickens and my breath stops short of my lips.

This was my best friend confessing his love for me , written clearly, genuinely in a stack of letters. The first one was written on my birthday last year. I’m only shocked that he has never mentioned anything.

“ Junggie ! Breakfast is .......Junggie , what are you looking at ? “ my eyes flash upwards to meet his as I se him take cautious steps towards me. It written clearly in his eyes that this was not meant for me and he grabs the box and letters placing them up on the highest shelf. His hand dwells there for a moment before he brings it back down to look at me.

“ What was that ? “ I ask him.

“ Nothing Heajung really , lets go have breakfast “ I catch his hand before he can walk further away.

“ Suho, why didn’t you tell me ? You’re my best friend we tell each other everything “

“ I can’t tell you I’m in love with you when I have nothing to give can I ? “ there’s regret and hope in his eyes.

“ Then when you see me Yixing , you’re not happy for me are you? “

He grabs me towards him and holds me so tight.

“ Your happiness is all i ever wished for, it doesn’t matter who gives it, as long as you’re happy Heajung. Yixing is a nice boy and he loves you, he has time for you. Anyway whats worst than falling in love with your best friend? Loosing her after , I would never want to loose you if we decided to break up. Its all in the past, You are my younger sister now, i love you still just differently “ It dawned on me as well , the underlying reason why i would have never considered Yixing in the first place, but gave in to taking the risk. I was scared to loose him like how Suho was afraid to loose me.

“ Oppa , you would never loose me I’m your little sister , forever “ I wrap my arms around him and gently pat his back. Reassuring him that I’d never walk away. We hear Yunho whining about eating so we break apart and head to the dining table.

Things don’t change, I never mention it to Yixing either , i wasn’t hiding anything but I just didn’t want him to worry over irrelevant things.

It was a couple of weeks later when i meet him after all their concert hyped was over. He surprises me at home with him sprawled across my sofa watching TV. He pulls me into a hug and tells me how much he misses me but something is admist in his voice.

“ I talked to Yunho Hyung that day when he came for our concert. “ he runs his fingers along the side of my arms playing with my sleeve.

“ He told me that something happened between you and Suho , he asked me if I knew. I said I didn’t “

I’m silent because I know what Yunho was implying. Suho never hid anything from his hyung. He couldn’t he trusted a few people and with me and Yixing being the other two he only had Yunho.

“ Its not important Yixing-ah “ I turn around and burry my face into his chest. I hear his heart beat speed up, I know his nervous and unsure.

“ Can i make a wild guess ? “ his voice rumbles in his chest.

“ No. “ I’m scared , not because Yixing would be angry with me or Suho , but I’m scared because I don’t want anything to change between the two of them.

“ Jungie....” I kiss him on his lips before he can continue. The kiss deepens and I try to hold back the tears because I know I’m hurting him unknowingly. I know that Yixing isn’t stupid he’s the most intuitive person I’ve ever met. He steadies me on top of him my tongue runs along the bottom of his lips and he opens a little before i slip my tongue in. I know he was waiting for me to make the first move like this. He respected me and wanted me to be comfortable. I never knew kissing him could be so addictive his breath of sweet oranges and mint. My hands run through his hair but he holds them back gently pulling me away.

“ Heajung ? Why are you crying ? “ My finger tips run to my eyes and I didn’t even realize that the sadness for hurting Suho had spilled over evident in front of Yixing. How do you cry for someone else in front of the person you love.

He hurriedly sits up and pulls me over his hands cupping my face. “ Haejung ? Whats wrong did I hurt you anywhere , I’m sorry ,I’m sorry I got carried away “ and I cry even more throwing my arms around him.

“ Yixing ..... I... Suho is hurt because of me. .... He loves me but I love you what do i do Yixing-ya, he saved me , what have  I done. “

His body is motionless against mine when he tries to hold me its awkward not like earlier.

“ I was right “ he whispers , laughing a little. Even the deaf can tell how the remnants of hurt is traced in the laugh. Still he holds me but I hear his heart breaking apart.

_______

Days after that i notice Yixing trying to prove himself to me in everything he did. Making sure it was done well enough , done as good as his hyung would. He took extra care of me and sneaked over even when schedules finished at 3am in the morning.
I caught him in his tracks one day in the midst of bustling all over my apartment.

“ Yixing stop. You’re tired and drained out , I know you guys are prepping a new album you need to rest Yixing. “ He smiles and tells me he isn’t tired a quick kiss on the tip of my nose and he’s in the kitchen trying to whip up dinner. The dark circles around his eyes are obvious and his already huge eyes looked bigger all puffy.

There’s a knock on the door and I hurriedly run to answer it.

“ Who is that ? “ Yixing shouts from the kitchen.

I don’t reply to numb to answer him.

“ Babe who....Suho hyung ....” he puts down the wooden spatula and turns the fire smaller to let the soup simmer.

“ Suho! “ my voice returns and I run towards him. I hadn’t seem him in weeks and months he felt skinnier and tired.

“ Hey , I didn’t know Yixing was here , no wonder I didn’t see you at the company “ Yixing tries to smile and be polite , he does it , but not as well as he usually could.

Suho gently pats my head and lets himself in.

I’m happy that both of them are here with me , I’m afraid of the countless scenarios running through my head. Yixing shifts around nervously doing the most random of things. It doesn’t take much to guess whats running through his head. Getting up from the couch I head back into the kitchen and sneak up behind the younger boy. My hands snake gently around his waist as I lean in to take a deep breath.

“ Heajung? Whats wrong ?’ he asked as he continued to stir the stew.

“ I’m hungry “ I mumbled he laughed and pulled my hands away he leans over and almost reaches my lips but instead I feel a kiss on my forehead. My lips pout unknowingly. He hurries me to the living room and returns to cooking.

“ So what have you been up to with the group? ”

“ Work.. what else can we be doing. The group is so worked up about our new comeback everyone is going crazy.  It drives me crazy as well. ”

I laugh at his warped facial expression and pinch his cheeks. He hurriedly swats my hand away and we break out into a tickle fight just like when we were kids. I miss the times I had him.

Yixing calls from the kitchen in the midst of our fight and we break up. We help each other get the food plated and cutlery arranged.

“ Ahhhhh foood finally ! “ I don’t wait for them and start picking at the different dishes in front of me.

They both start eating as well. But in some sort of killing silence.

When Suho leaves eventually, I find Yixing seated in a daze on the study room couch.
“ hey babe “

I take a seat beside him and snuggle up to his warm frame.

“ Heajung lets take a walk outside you good ? ”

I nod and grab my coat .

He was quiet the whole walk  , and all i could hear was the sound the cricket cricking in the distance.
I reach for his hand but there isn’t any response he simply leaves it there and doesn’t hold back. I shake it a little to get his attention and he looks back at me , offering a small smile.

I’m not sure where we are and he still has yet to acknowledge my presence. The weather is freezing and his breath escapes his lips like twirls of smoke in the midnight air. I sigh and walk ahead of him.

“ What was that for ?” he asks , more twirls visible to the eye when he catches up.  

“ you , for you, whats wrong Yixing ?” i ask and walk ourselves to the swings at the playground.

The silence wasn’t warm like it use to be .

“ Heajung , if you never met me would you have fallen in love with hyung ? “ he asks his head down looking at the sand bellow his feet, kicking it occasionally to form weird patterns on the ground.  

“ Yixing ....”

“ I’m just asking , would you ?”

“ I hardly think so , I’ve know him since we were kids , if I’d fallen in love with him it would have already happened and ended , why ?”

“ Nothing” he replied and leans over to kiss me on the lips. One that I savor, it felt like longing and sadness.

“ Yixing-ya, whats wrong ?”

He smiles and takes my hand as we continue to walk down the road, I can’t put a finger to his sudden change in attitude but all I can do is walking down the road with him no matter what happens.

The night passes slowly somewhat dreadfully.

When we get home I ask him to come in for a warm cup of tea but he insists that he needs to go back to the dorms because of a schedule. I pull the front of his coat closer to me and tip up on my toes to kiss him on the lips. Why did i feel like i was losing him. It felt like the last day i was going to see him.

“ Yixing ya, I love you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Please don’t ever let go of my heart. “
“ I love you too Heajung, “