hey guys! i watched the tim burton's 2010 alice in wonderland last night and wrote out a whole plan for a tvxq wonderland AU (writing it now) but i'm tired so please have this crack. obviously not the typical chatroom fic but shhhhhh--

FINALLY_HOME PRESENTS

ANDY'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND

A PLAY IN TWO ACTS

FEATURING

ERIC AS THE QUEEN OF HEARTS

MINWOO AS THE CHESIRE CAT

DONGWAN AS THE MAD HATTER

HYESUNG AS THE MARCH HARE

JUNJIN AS THE WHITE RABBIT

ANDY AS ALICE

HYEMI AS THE WHITE QUEEN

ACT I

SCENE 1

[ANDY wakes up in an unfamiliar room, on the floor. There is a bed beside him, and a fireplace on the other side of the bed. A large pot sits on the fire, bubbling with something aromatic. Other than the bed, the only other furniture in the room is a wooden table and chair, situated in the darkness of the stage. A single oil lamp burns on the table, and there is a cup and saucer on the table as well.]

ANDY: (sitting up) Where am I?

[He stands up and looks around, then stumbles over to the table.]

ANDY: Is this tea? (picks up the cup and looks at the saucer) 'Drink me'?

[After a moment of thought and another look around, ANDY spots a tiny door. Running to it, he flattens himself down on the ground and opens the door with a finger. He presses his eye against it but doesn't seem to see anything. Pulling away and shaking his head, ANDY returns to the table.]

ANDY: I guess I have to drink this, then. I hope it doesn't make me sick. Where even am I? (shrugs) Oh well, here goes nothing.

[After drinking the tea, ANDY begins to shrink rapidly. Lights flash onstage and the camera zooms in until we see a tiny ANDY standing on the floor, holding a cake that says 'Eat Me' on it in icing. ANDY looks at it for a while, then at the door, and puts the cake into his pocket, walking through the door. The camera follows him, finding a lush forest. ANDY is back to his normal size, having eaten the cake, and sets off along the path into the forest. Enter JUNJIN, THE WHITE RABBIT, looking down at his pocket watch, who collides with ANDY, looking up at the sky. Both fall to the ground.]

JUNJIN: I'm late, I'm late! (hops up) I'm late to the party!

ANDY: (also getting up) What party? Why can you talk?

JUNJIN: Why, the Hatter's party, of course! If I'm late, the Queen will have my head!

[JUNJIN speeds off, and ANDY runs after him, shouting all the way.]

Exit JUNJIN, ANDY stage left.

SCENE 2

[The scenery rapidly changes until it reaches a clearing. CREW comes in with a long table. There are many dirty cups and plates on the table, and brown liquid drips off of it onto the ground. Enter DONGWAN, HYESUNG, and MINWOO, all three of whom sit down at the table and begin to drink tea from the dirty cups. DONGWAN has a smile on his face. Enter JUNJIN, harried and nervous, and ANDY right behind him.]

JUNJIN: Oh, Dongwan-hyung! (throws himself into a chair) I'm late, I'm late!

DONGWAN, THE MAD HATTER: Why, Jinnie, that's very poor time management on your part. We've told you time and time again that you mustn't overload yourself with too much work. You know how the Queen is, always wanting this and that. What are you late for this time?

JUNJIN: The party, the party! (gulps tea) The party to welcome Andy from the Outerworld!

ANDY: (breaking in) I'm Andy, what party? I get to meet a queen?

[Collective gasps around the table. JUNJIN whimpers and faints. His tea spills onto his waistcoat. Everyone else is frozen. ANDY looks around, gauging reactions.]

ANDY: What?

HYESUNG, THE MARCH HARE: (pointing with a trembling finger) I-i-it's him! It's him! It's the one who will be killed by the Queen of Hearts!

DONGWAN: (takes off his hat) Oh dear, oh dear, what ever shall we do? It's already too late to the party, we'll be executed! Off with our heads! Oh, Andy from the Outerworld, won't you go? You were meant to die in the first place, Hyesung predicted it already, so it wouldn't hurt, would it?

MINWOO, THE CHESHIRE CAT: (slowly, raising a teacup in front of his eyes) Of course, Hyesungie is not known for predicting accurate truths. Once, he predicted that I would become stricken with a malady most evil, yet all that happened was a hemorrhoid. (smiles slowly, showing all his teeth) Andy from the Outerworld, do be a dear and pass me the sugar, will you?

[ANDY passes a bowl of sugar to MINWOO. HYESUNG gets up and paces around, muttering to himself as he pulls at his long ears. Then, he rushes to JUNJIN's side and slaps his face. Meanwhile, DONGWAN sits pensive, face a mask of concentration, before he leaps up with a shout, startling everyone.]

DONGWAN: I know! (jams hat back onto his head) We'll go to the White Queen! The White Queen always knows what to do.

MINWOO: Good idea. That's the best idea you've had in a while.

HYESUNG: (heaving JUNJIN onto his shoulder) Oh, shut up, Minwoo. We all know you're Special Stupid.

MINWOO: YAH!

Exit MINWOO, HYESUNG, and JUNJIN stage right.

DONGWAN: (shaking his head) Alas, they are such children. Come, Andy from the Outerworld, let us follow.

Exit DONGWAN, ANDY stage right.

SCENE 3

[Enter MINWOO, DONGWAN, HYESUNG, JUNJIN, and ANDY stage right. JUNJIN is walking on his own again, though still supported by HYESUNG. They approach a large white castle, sparkling in the sunlight as if it was made of snow or sugar. There is a woman in a pretty white ballgown on the steps of the castle. She is HYEMI, THE WHITE QUEEN, and upon seeing the group, she quickly runs to greet them.]

HYEMI: (clasping her hands) Oh, Hatter, Hare, Rabbit, you're finally here! Pray tell me, what has happened in Wonderland? I have received news of the utmost sorrow from my friends. Has my husband been reigning terror?

DONGWAN: Indeed he has, my dear, but no worries! (presents ANDY with a flourishing bow, his hat falls off) This is Andy from the Outerworld, whom Hyesung had predicted to be the very last human that your husband shall kill. As long as we deliver him to the Castle of Hearts, this reign of terror shall end.

HYEMI: (embracing ANDY with a sob) Oh, no! I cannot let this poor child die at the hands of my cruel and uncaring husband! Andy from the Outerworld, you shall not be executed! Instead, you shall be the executioner!

DONGWAN: What!

HYESUNG: What!

JUNJIN: What!

MINWOO: (smiles slowly) What... an interesting development.

[HYEMI procures a shining sword from absolutely nowhere and hands it to ANDY. On the blade is inscribed the words 'Etilda-Killing Sword'. ANDY takes it with both hands, admiring the make.]

ANDY: What am I supposed to do with his head, then? Do you want it? Can I keep it?

MINWOO: Ooh, give it to me. I'd love to play with it.

HYESUNG: (slaps MINWOO) You'll do no such thing. It's up to the White Queen to decide what she wants to do with his head, be it present or preserve it or [redacted].

HYEMI: (hiding her face in her hands) Oh, March Hare!

DONGWAN: Ha, ha, ha! That was funny, Hyesung! Oh, what a glorious image in mine own head!

ANDY: Haha, nice one, bro.

[HYEMI procures a set of armor also from thin air and poofs it onto ANDY with a puff of sparkly magic. MINWOO's smile grows until it reaches his ears. JUNJIN digs out his pocket watch and nearly passes out again.]

JUNJIN: We're LATE! We're so late, I'm going to be rabbit soup! Come, come, Andy from the Outerworld, let us hurry to the Castle of Hearts!

Exit MINWOO, DONGWAN, HYESUNG, JUNJIN, ANDY stage left.

Exit HYEMI stage right.

ACT II

SCENE 1

[They approach a large red castle in the distance, shining evilly red as if evilness had overtaken it. The sky is also red, to symbolize the evilness that is the rule of the QUEEN OF HEARTS. Red lights shine onstage, yet another subtle nudge towards the fact that everything is evil. Enter ERIC, THE QUEEN OF HEARTS, from stage right, with a small dog. The two parties meet in the middle, and JUNJIN faints again with a gasp.]

ERIC: Ho, what gives! (looks to each person) What have we here?

DONGWAN: (shoves ANDY out to the front) This is Andy from the Outerworld, the one destined for you to slay. But Hyemi said it wouldn't be good for him to die, so instead he's going to kill you.

ERIC: (drawing his sword) Then let us fight, Andy from the Outerworld! Show me a glorious fight to the death, either you or me.

ANDY: Bring it on, rat bastard!

[A glorious fight to the death ensues. They are both exceptionally bad at swordplay, and it seems--if it's even possible--that both sides are losing. Yells and shouts and clangs come from the battle, and DONGWAN, HYESUNG, and JUNJIN step backwards. MINWOO is lounging, laying on the floor, watching the show. Finally, ANDY brings his sword down with a warcry, and ERIC falls backwards.]

ERIC: (clutching his chest as he kneels) Oh, you hath slayed me, you monster! I am done for! Hyemi, my sweet...................................... (dies)

ANDY: (breathing heavily) Is... is it.... over? Have I..... won?

DONGWAN: Yes, yes! (emerges from his hiding place) You have won, my dear!

[ANDY collapses. The curtain falls.]

SCENE 2

[ANDY wakes up in an unfamiliar room. This one is white and sparkly, and the bed is fluffy. ANDY gets up and walks around, looking at all the portraits of HYEMI and ERIC on the wall. There's a lot of sparkly stuff around, and the door opens, admitting EVERYONE ELSE, including the previously-dead ERIC. ANDY takes a step back.]

ANDY: You fiend! Scoundrel! Rascal! You're dead! I killed you!

HYEMI: Rest easy, Andy from the Outerworld. You hath killed the curse within him, but not his mortal self. I am forever in your gratitude for returning me my husband.

ERIC: (with a deep bow) Andy from the Outerworld, Wonderland owes you our thanks. I am deeply ashamed for how I have ruled over the past two days, killing and maiming many. Thank you very much for returning my wife to rule.

ANDY: (speechless) ...

HYESUNG: God ing damn it, motherer! (throws something onto the ground) You had us worried for you! What possessed you to do such a thing!

MINWOO: (with a lazy smile) Why, Hyesungie... don't you know? It was the Curse of the Hearts, a family condition that is passed down through generations. During each Heart's lifetime, the day they turn forty-two, they shall be possessed with a great rage and ambition to rule the world. In order to be rid of the curse, they must be killed. Only then shall the curse lift and the person revive under normal conditions.

DONGWAN: Yes, yes, Minwoo, that's all very good, my dear, but how do we send dear Andy back to his world? There are no doors to the Outerworld, not that I am aware of. (turns to ANDY) How did you come?

ANDY: I woke up in a room.

ERIC: Then he must go to sleep again!

HYESUNG: (smacks ERIC's head) Idiot! He just passed out! That counts as sleeping!

JUNJIN: Well, I remember there was an ancient magic that Minwoo-hyung could do to send people to the Outerworld.

[EVERYONE turns to MINWOO, who only shrugs and smiles.]

MINWOO: You could lose a finger or so.

ANDY: I don't care. I want to go home. (poses heroically)

[EVERYONE sobs. The curtain drops.]

SCENE 3

[EVERYONE walks into a large library, MINWOO at the front. He pulls a book off a bookshelf, shakes his head and puts it back, and repeats this process a couple of times. JUNJIN keeps looking at his pocket watch, still muttering 'we're late', but no one pays attention to him. Finally, MINWOO smiles.]

MINWOO: Aha, here it is.

[He puts the book on the ground and draws a large circle. HYESUNG pushes ANDY into the circle, and MINWOO draws more glyphs. Suddenly, the glyphs begin to glow orange, and after much muttering and incantations, MINWOO shouts. The lights go out, and there's a bang. When the lights come on again, smoke fills the stage. Someone coughs, and we can hear garbled yelling.]

HYESUNG: (out of sight) Minwoo, you bastard!

DONGWAN: (emerging from the smoke) Now, now, Hyesungie, that's not a nice thing to say.

[One by one, they all emerge from the fog, including ANDY, coughing. His hair is burnt and frizzled, and he looks a bit worse for the wear.]

ERIC: Andy! Why are you still here?

ANDY: (still coughing) I don't ing know, ask the cat!

JUNJIN: I told you, it's too late! It's too late! But no one ever listens to me, do they?

MINWOO: (smiling widely) Why, indeed, the rabbit is correct. It was much too late to do any magic to return Andy to his home because having killed the Curse of Hearts, he shall be the next one to receive it. Until then, he shall stay in Wonderland.

ANDY: WHAT!

EVERYONE ELSE: WHAT!

[Everyone freezes. The curtain closes.]

END

hope yall like this it killed my soul lmao. i tried to follow the playwriting format as closely as i could but i have never written a play for real so idk what's right. this is what i could find on google though so