The backstage area of the show was a hustle and bustle of chaotic activity and Bitna loved it. She thought that was probably the thing she missed most, aside from the actually standing on stage being adored part. The clutter of life backstage. It was hours before the show would even start but here girls were getting their hair and makeup done and getting hoisted into costumes or just lazing around waiting for their turn or doing some last minute practice.

Bitna had just gotten her hair and makeup done, it was nothing special just letting her long bleached hair hang loose with the slightest curl, a smokey eye mixed with a soft pink lip giving her both edge and softness. There was such a difference between the Unpretty Rapstar aesthetic and this idol aesthetic, though she wondered if she looked maturer now than she did then. She kind of missed the wisp of a fringe she had before, but she definitely liked looked more woman than girl now.

But what she liked didn’t matter right now, did it? Only what the voters liked.

Ah, she really hated that kind of loss of control. At least with UPS she could instantly know if she was hyping up the crowd or not not most of it was competency based. With Produce? Who even knew which girl would grab the nation’s fascination?

They were in a massive space filled with long tables and plastic chairs, mirrors lining the back wall, and there was noise everywhere. She spotted most of Seulgi’s team doing some last minute practice in the corner, all still in their own clothes, while Haeun was off probably getting her hair done or changing. She was keeping her eye on that one, there was something off-putting about her. Something hungry and contrary and proud and that was never a good combination. Talent couldn’t make up for a rotten personality, Heehyun had learned that last time.

Most of her own team was missing now, too. Where had they gone off to? She knew Seoyun was getting her hair done and Mosu would probably either be hanging around her or off doing something she shouldn’t be doing. Bitna smiled to herself. Damned if Mosu wasn’t charming though, it was impossible to stay annoyed at her for long with that cheeky smile and those big eyes.

She saw Jaeeun hanging out with some of the other FNC girls at the other end of the room, already in costume, long legs looking amazing in those shorts. That was a girl to be careful of, a scene stealer. Even during the FNC audition it had been hard for Bitna to keep her eyes off of Jaeeun and her visuals and presence. It was definitely not her choice to be a group with that kind of magnetism.

She worried a little about the Japanese girl, it was hard enough keeping your head straight without everyone speaking a different language, maybe she’d gotten lost somewhere? Bitna hadn’t seen her in a good while. Hadn’t she said she’d gone to the bathroom? But that was an hour ago.

Bitna got up from her seat and left the room. She cringed as she walked past Hyedam of the rival team practicing her lines while wearing her very white very al dress. She knew the girl was doing her best with what she was given but it… it wasn’t good. She hoped the audience would be lenient for Hyedam’s sake at least, though with a performance like that most of them were probably getting deleted. Only meme-status or pity could save any of them now.

She peeked into the other break room (99 girls weren’t going to fit into one room). The Whistle team was sitting together, still wearing their own clothes but Bitna recognized them by the sheer number of them. She’d had heard music coming from their practice room even during her late night practices, they’d gone on longer than she had and she respected that. Now they were just chilling, laughing about some joke one of the had made. None of them were from remarkable companies and none of them were remarkably talented or pretty. She probably wouldn’t be seeing many of them after the eliminations. As an FNC girl Dahee might stand a chance, but FNC was teetering on the edge of relevancy nowadays.

“Hey Bitna!” Haesung, one of the other independent girls, waved. “Good luck tonight if I don’t see you before this all starts!”

Bitna smiled. “You too! Make em whistle like a missle bomb bomb, unnie!”

Haesung laughed. “You know we will!”

Not far from them Na Chaerin was leaning against the wall in full costume while Hyemi paced up and down. “I’m not ready,” Hyemi muttered. “I’m gonna screw everything up. I’ll forget my lines. I’ll forget to smile. How do I even tell which camera is one? Rakcs on- flasking- raxing- crazy?”

Chaerin stopped her in her tracks, putting both hands on her shoulders. “Hyemi you are going to do fine. We practiced this.”

“The one with the red light is on,” Bitna offered. “There’ll be the rehearsal first and you can practice then, it’s hard to miss a camera in your face with a burning red light.”

Hyemi nodded. “Okay. Okay. I can do this.”

“You can do this,” Chaerin repeated. “Thanks unnie!”

Bitna just waved goodbye and moved on. Where was Midori hiding? She poked her head into the last break room. The first thing she thought was that weird girl, Girim, sleeping with her head on the table, a little pile of drooling pooling. Another girl was sitting next to her, glancing at Girim with an amused smile. She looked young and had the face of a girl who, with a cute concept, could conquer the hearts of nations. As it was she was wearing a black skirt and striped shirt that looked more girl crush than anything. Ji Yona, her name sticker read. She looked up at Bitna and put a finger to her lips in a hush before pointing at the sleeping Girim who let out a snore that could’ve come from Bitna’s grandfather.

Bitna snorted and walked past them into the room. Still no Midori, there was just the Lion Heart team in their criminally pretty flapper dresses and their criminally pretty visuals. There was a group who didn’t have to worry about eliminations. Pledis, EM, Brand New Music, MMO. They’d be fine.

But where was Midori?

She moved and checked the bathroom where a girl was stress crying in one of the stalls. The stylists weren’t going to be happy with that. “Midori?” Bitna asked. The sniffling stopped but no answer. Bitna left to spare the girl her dignity.

In the hall Bitna passed Liling and Fen sitting next to each other and speaking what Bitna guessed was Mandarin dressed in the kind of innocent sailor dresses Bitna had thanked the allmother she had avoided.

Inside the styling room a flurry of stylists were busy making several girls camera-ready. As Bitna had guessed, Haeun was in one of the chairs, cringing as a stylist rather roughly attacked her hair. One of the FNC girls looked at her mirror image in dismay as a stylist wrestled her hair into two high ponytails. Next to her a stylist was very carefully letting a cat-ear headband descend onto the head of what Bitna could just about read as Kim Dohee. The stylist clapped his hands excitedly when he managed while Dohee looked a little sceptical. The thing was a little tacky, Bitna agreed.

Lots of girls in this room, most of whom Bitna didn’t even know, but no Amano Midori.

The dressing room was filled with dressed and half-dressed girls but none of them were Midori. “Do I have to get dressed here?” Sojin asked the stylist.

“There’s screens. Grab one.” The stylist dismissed her. Meanwhile Kyungmi was wrestling into her skirt like it ain’t no thang. Another stylist was wrestling one of the Mr Mr girls into her very tight pants, start with the pants turned inside out and rolling them onto the legs while the pink-haired girl tried to contain her giggles at the absurdity of it.

Where the hell was that girl! “Have any of you seen Midori?” Bitna asked. “Japanese girl with the short hair?”

“No, sorry unnie,” the pink haired girl said. Kyungmi grunted something while wrestling with her shirt that Bitna thought meant no.

Where else could she be? Dress rehearsal and fancam recording hadn’t started yet, she wasn’t in hair and makeup or costuming or any of the waiting rooms or the toilet…

Bitna wondered a little further into the maze of hallways, ignoring the curious stares of staff members that told her she probably wasn’t supposed to be this far in. One room was filled with the big black boxes that usually held sound tech. Another room was filled with stage decorations for music shows. She opened another room that revealed an actual fancy dressing room and a Woo Chanhee putting his jacket on who jumped at the intrusion. “Bitna? You’re not supposed to be here.”

“Sorry sorry!” Bitna bowed about 5 times with wide eyes and shut the door again.

Where was she?!

She should really get back, she hadn’t gotten her outfit yet and she shouldn’t keep anyone waiting but damn she really worried now. She knew how hectic these shows could be, especially when you weren’t used to the backstage chaos. Though, Midori was an artist in Japan wasn’t she? She ought to be used to it, right? She’d turn up on way or another, Bitna couldn’t really spare more time to look.

She nearly got lost herself, walking back through the hallways to the area marked with the giant pink Produce 99 posts (the show was a lot but it sure wasn’t subtle). Then she heard it… a giggle… a familiar giggle.

“Oh!” a voice went. “SHINee!”

A gasp. “SHINee!!!” Bitna rounded the corner to see Midori and that half-Korean girl, Lucy, sitting cross legged on the floor opposite each other. Midori’s hands were going up and down though Bitna wasn’t sure if she was trying her hand at sign language or if she was just REALLY excited. “Juliette, OH!” Midori sang, continuing in Japanese.

“Hai hai hai!!!” Lucy was almost jumping up and down in her seat. The grew silent again for a moment until Lucy perked up again. “Girls Generation!”

Midori clapped her hands excitedly. “Shoujo Jidai!!” She made a heart with her hands. “Saranghae!”

“Saranghae!” Lucy returned.

Bitna couldn’t help but stare at the scene, it was entrancing.

“Oh!” it was Midori this time who almost jumped up. She said something in Japanese but Lucy just looked confused. Then she made a three, a six, and a five with her fingers.

“365!” Lucy pointed like she was winning the world’s most important game of charades. “Shiha! She aaaaah!”

Bitna felt a little offended that their trainer Candy wasn’t the one being praised, though she couldn’t deny a queen like Shiha.

“Peekaboo!” Midori did the circle over the eye dance move. They fell silent again for a moment. “VIXX?” Midori asked.

“BTOB!!!!” Lucy affirmed. “Hai hai!

Bitna didn’t think she’d ever seen anything like this. Did this count as communication? Were they communicating? It was like watching two monkeys in a zoo. Were they speaking Koreaboo?

Just then the door to the costuming room opened and Lexi came out. Lucy’s face perked up even more (something Bitna hadn’t thought possible). “Lexi!” she called out. “Hajima haji-haji-haji-hajima!”

Lexi visibly shuddered before looking back with an embarrassed sort of indulgent smile, face a shade redder than before. “Girl it’s time to hajima,” she said before disappearing into the break room.

Midori let out a polite little giggle behind a modest hand and it was one of the cutest things Bitna had seen all day. “What about BTOB?” Bitna asked.

Midori glanced up, surprised to see her. She paused, probably unpacking what she’d just asked, before bursting out into a huge sincere smile. “Hai!” she said. “BTOB saranghae!”

Lucy gave her two big thumbs up “Meoributeo balkkeutkaji HOT!”

“Where have you been?” Bitna asked but of course neither Lucy nor Midori understood the question. She just shook her head. “Midori,” she made a ‘follow me’ gesture and Midori got up, brushed the creases out of her long skirt and frilly blouse, and followed Bitna back to their waiting room where Mosu, Seoyun, and Yuna were already waiting.

It was going to be a lot of waiting today but at least the team was complete and Bitna didn’t have to worry about that.

Now she just had to worry about killing the stage and looking great doing it, but that was something Bitna knew how to do.

 

 

What. The. .

No.

They had not just lost. To Wee Woo?!

By a landslide?!

Miyoung was crying next to her. Jiho looked defeated. Sunmi was sobbing. Sora was caving in on herself. Reni was just staring ahead at the screen.

Yeeun balled her hand into a fist, feeling the stab of her nails into her palm. All their hard work, their practice, their blood sweat and tears. For nothing. How hard had she worked with Miyoung to get her voice up to par? How hard had Jiho worked to keep them in line and teach them the dance to perfection? How hard had Reni worked to dazzle the viewers with her perfect center?

No! Unacceptable!

It would have been one thing if their opponent had knocked it out of the park but they’d been sub-par at most. It had been easy to see that most of them were Fs, the dancing was sloppy, the singing was sloppier, and the rapping… Sunisa was the only one whose performance had been worth a damn but who cared about that when you had a pretty face, right? A pretty face and a quirky intro and suddenly actual ability didn’t matter anymore, apparently! Sunisa hadn’t even gotten that many votes what a ing joke.

She didn’t care about herself of course, that she could lose any time of the week she didn’t care. She wanted to lose! It didn’t matter how good it had felt to be on stage, how amazing it had been to sing her few lines and to feel the adoration of the crowd. It’s not like that adoration had lead to anything, had it? No, she didn’t give a about her own points or her own loss or her own chances, but the others had worked their asses off for this! Miyoung and Jiho and Sunmi and Sora and Reni deserved it god ing damnit.

She couldn’t even look at the other team. They were embracing each other and celebrating while her team was crying. Congratulations that your faces are pretty and Gangnam oppa did a good job or whatever. Enjoy your stolen win.

She hardly noticed when staff came and herded them all back to the backstage room to join the other girls in watching the rest of the show, hardly noticed taking another seat with her team while the big flat screen in front shower the staff readying the stage for the next battle.

Next to her Jiho comforted Miyoung, with Yoonseo and Soyu from FNC slipping out of their seats to give her a hug and comforting words.

Not Yeeun. All she did is fume and curse the audience with the most creative curses she could think of. She hoped none of them could find parking within a kilometer of their homes. She hoped the water would run cold when they took a shower. She hoped that every time they went to grab some milk there wasn’t enough for a full glass. She hoped they stubbed their toe every time the got out of bed.

Shallow ers.

That just proved her long standing theory didn’t it? It’s a Gangnam’s world out there.

 

 

ming fen

woollim

 

 

 

She couldn’t do this.

Oh god how had she thought she could do this??

It was all okay when they had just been practicing, when any mistake Fen had made was just a temporary mistake that would get fixed, should get fixed. It all felt so good when the team had believed in her, had helped her and supported her, but now this was the moment where she’d let them all down.

Oh god she was going to let them all down.

Liling who’d stood by her since Pick Me, Bitna who had been so sweet in teaching her, Gayoung who had put her faith in her. She never should have let them make her center, they hadn’t known what they were doing! They hadn’t know that she was a weakling. Candy had known. Candy had seen the truth, why hadn’t they listened to her? It had all gone so quickly, it all just gone past her, decisions made for her. But she’d let them, of course she’d let them, and now they were all going to pay the price and nobody was ever going to trust her to do anything ever again.

What was worse? Letting her only chance at debuting slip away or letting down the girls who had been so sweet and kind of supportive of her? Definitely letting her team down.

Everything was overwhelming. The burning spotlight on the stage ahead, the smell of sweat under those hot lights that permeated everything, the murmurs of noise coming from the very real people in the audience who were so close but so far too.

Her legs felt weak and wobbly like two pairs of matchstick about to snap.

She felt tears prickle in her eyes and she willed them back. No, stop, don’t cry in public don’t let them see. Why was it so hard to keep those tears at bay? She couldn’t even do that!

She was a horrible singer and a horrible dancer and a horrible center.All she had was her face and that was horrible too.

Liling put her hands on Fen’s shoulders and the weight felt reassuring. Grounding. “Fen, look at me.” It took her a moment to realize Liling was speaking Mandarin, it took a second for her brain to make the switch. “Take a deep breath in.”

Fen followed Liling and took a long breath, those hands on her shoulders felt like she was attached to something sturdy like a tree, or she was a helium balloon but a pair of hands grabbed her string. Her lungs were starting to protest, was she allowed to breathe out now?

“And release,” Liling said while letting her own breath out. Fen’s lungs were grateful for the command and she felt the slightest bit of tension release. “We’ve practiced this ad nauseam, right?”

Fen nodded. Right. It had gotten stale to practice the song over and over but with each session her limbs had felt just a little more natural doing the dance.

“Your body knows what to do,” Liling said. “Your body remembers, you just have to let it.”

She nodded weakly.

Liling smiled. “I remember when Paradise was having their first ever stage and I felt exactly as you probably do now. The cameras were like black holes all the confidence out of me, I thought I would forget everything I knew right at that moment and that I would become the laughing stock of Korea.”

“What happened then?” Fen asked, eyes wide.

“I don’t remember,” Liling said. “I don’t remember a single thing from that performance. The lights went on and the music started and everything was a total blur. But when we watched the performance back I saw that my body had dancer perfectly, that my face smiled my most charming smile, and that my voice was only a little bit wobbly. That’s why we practice so much even when it feels like we’re fine, so that even when stage fright creeps in our body just does what it’s practiced so so much.” She paused. “And hey, even if you do become a laughing stock, at least they know your name.” She said it with a sad smile.

How could that be a good thing? Fen wondered. Why would anyone want to be laughed at?

Liling squeezed her hand. “You can do it.”

Fen nodded. Bitna and Gayoung and Soomi pulled them into the middle of a group hug and jumped up and down. “Let’s do it!” Gayoung said.

“Fighting!”

Fen got onto the stage and she couldn’t even see the audience very well. She could hear them but the light shone so bright into the face that everyone except for the front two rows disappeared from view and become some anonymous mass of people-sound.

And then the music .

And she didn’t remember a thing of what happened next.

 

amano midori

sony japan
 

 

 

Everything was familiar and completely different all at once. The blinding lights heating up the stage were familiar, the loud music and the heavy mic pack and dance steps fueled by muscle memory were all things she knew well. The (mostly male) screams from the audience, too, although here there were a lot of female screams as well. The smiling, the bowing, the introductions, and the saving of image were all things Midori had perfected to an artform. One did not spend 5 years in Nogizaka46 without knowing how to smile and bow and be one’s most charming self.

Other things were completely different. The steps to this dance were scandalous! They weren’t even that hard but Midori was completely unused to moving her hips so much, in Nogi the steps were mostly arm movements and footwork. Sometimes they did something exciting like the elegant Synchronicity that was all sweeps of skirts and rigid fluidity that had made Midori feel like she was in something of a ballet, or the tense hand and arm routine of Influencer in the dark outfits and mysterious looks, but never was it anything like this.

And the clothes! She kept itching to tug her shorts lower, to cover more of her legs, and the crop top! On stage! In Nogi it was only ever frilly dresses or long skirts, she didn’t have to worry if her tight shorts would ride up too far or how far her crop top went when she raised her arms. Sure she’d done gravure photoshoots before (they paid very well and everyone knew if you wanted to advance and gain fans you had to do at least a few of them) but somehow a one-off bikini shoot didn’t seem as scandalous and daring as standing on a stage in front of a huge crowd in the shortest shorts and a little crop top.

If she was honest it was a little exciting. Terrifying and scandalous but exciting.

She stayed back a little while the rest of the group huddled together in the wings, waiting for the staff to give them the ok to go on stage. The camera was always there and she smiled politely at it and gave it a little wave. They sure liked cameras on this show, they filmed just about everything! Even their dorms held cameras, which was a little creepy if anyone asked her. She didn’t really like the idea of someone watching her sleep.

The leader gathered the other girls up and the one with the curly hair noticed her. The girl  grabbed her wrist and pulled her into the circle.

“Fighting!” they all called. Well, more like paiting. What they were fighting Midori didn’t know, but it sure felt good to chant it. And then they were herded onto the stage and the cheers were deafening.

Midori took her position, closed her eyes, and took a deep deep breath.

Just another stage, just another crowd, just another spotlight, and just another performance.

Except it wasn’t. It was so much more than that. With only six people the stage felt empty and Midori felt exposed, no 20-something girls to hide within, but it was also exhilarating. She had never felt so seen.

She did the steps just as their wonderful leader had taught her, all of the practice assured that her body knew exactly what to do. She shook her as best as she could (oh her oshimen fans should see her now!), popped out her chest, and sang her one line in the carefully memorized Korean.

Midori smiled her most dazzling smile as the music ended. The applause and screams washed over and enveloped her.

It was time to study a lot of Korean.

 

 

jeon taeri

plan a
 

 

 

“And, cut!”

Chanhee let out a laugh on stage as the main studio lights all went on at once, bathing the once dark studio in light. “Well, that’s it for tonight! It’s only 3AM, who’s in for a beautiful sleep?”

Taeri heard some girls giggle around her but she kept her eyes on the screen behind the pretty MC where the voting ranks of all the girls was still up.

20th place. Not half-bad considering there were 98 other girl competing. Taeri couldn’t suppress the grin on her face. Working her off to master that rap had paid off! Sure she wasn’t one of the prettiest here or the best dancer, and woof certainly not the best rapper or singer, but she’d made some sort of impact and she couldn’t help but feel a spark of pride about that.

Of course the voting results could vary wildly with the actual online voting results and this didn’t mean she was safe but- she shook her head. Couldn’t she just enjoy a good thing for a second?

And then the screens were all shut off one by one and the mass of girls got into motion. A few rows over she saw Sunisa getting buried by her F’s and smiled, she’d never thought Sunisa of all people would end up the successful mother of a brood of little chicks but they seemed to adore her. Sunisa locked yes with her and mouthed a silend “save me” and Taeri just laughed. Something told her there would be a lot of exciting stories told in hushed tones at the dorm tonight.

A row past her Haneul was hugging the girls who had been in the Step group with her and Taeri couldn’t help but feel pride in seeing her do so well. Haneul was great but she had some trouble keeping girls in line sometimes but her team seemed to have had all the perfect components to get it running. Their performance had been phenomenal, one of the best of the night if Taeri’s very biased opinion could be counted on. There’d be much discussion about that as well she was sure.

All around her girls were celebrating or just crumpling from exhaustion. Taeri was very glad she’d already done the solo interview right after the performance while the studio was clearing out so she could actually go home, she knew some of them weren’t so lucky.

God she was exhausted.

Thank god it was over for a whole month. No more agonizing over every potential second of screentime. No time trying to figure out if saying this or that could be used against her. No more wondering if bad screen time would be better than no screen time at all. It was like every step she took her brain was overheating about the possibilities. Would this be good enough to air on tv? Could this be evil edited? Was she presenting herself in the best way? It was goddamned exhausting.

Just wait and see how she’d get no screen time at all despite her agonies.

A sniffle behind her brought her out of her thoughts. “Hwari?”

The other pink-haired girl was dabbing at tears with her fingers, trying to keep them from spilling.

“Oh, nooo.” Taeri wrapped Hwari into a hug. “Hey it’s okay! You did your best and that’s all there is to it, right? It’s all you could do?”

Hwari nodded and sniffled again. “I’m okay,” she said. She didn’t sound particularly okay but she was jutting out her chin in that way Taeri recognized all too well from when Sunmi’s stubborn streak surfaced. Another sniffle. “I’m okay.”

“What do you say we get out of these suits and this makeup and get back to normal?” Taeri asked.

Hwari almost looked offended. “I don’t want normal, I want to be the best.”

Taeri laughed. “Alright then miss the best, even Hyuna needs downtime sometimes.”

“No she doesn’t,” Hwari said. “That’s exactly what her song Run and Run is about.”

Well… she had her there. Taeri just entwined her arm with Hwari’s. “Come on! Before the staff kick us out!”

The halls were filled with a chaos of girls chattering and hugging and looking like they’ll faint from exhaustion (or maybe that one was just Taeri projecting). She reached for only to remember that her necklace wasn’t there right now.

Getting dressed had been completely tidy and organized but getting undressed? It was a free-for-all. Taeri pushed the door to their designated waiting room open and there was gASPS of half-dressed girls staring at the door like deer in the headlights before seeing that it was only Taeri and Hwari and getting back to taking their clothes off. Some of them had been to tired or uncaring even for that.

Taeri made her way to where she’d thrown her old clothes, locked in a plastic bag, and got out of the suit, hanging each piece carefully back onto the designated hanger. There were systems for everything here, as they’d been told by the stylists. Everything goes back on the hangars and in the boxes with their names on it. Taeri had to grant it to Korea for being meticulous and organized about things like this, it still surprised her a little sometimes. Things in Ireland had been… not meticulous and organized much of the time.

She had to agree with Hwari though, it felt a little sad to take off the layers, it was like she was putting her borrowed idoldom neatly back in the boxes and the coat rack. Thank you for letting me borrow the stage for this little while, please choose me for full-time stardom.

Please. She wanted it so badly it hurt.

Well, she could always become a professional didgeridoo player in Australia but somehow this seemed a bit more glamorous.

And there she was, back into her Taeri-shaped clothes. Man she’d missed her real clothes, not the practice clothes Mnet had provided. Just simple jeans, sneakers, and a nice t-shirt. She glanced into the mirror, the stage make-up was still on. A part of the idol remained. She grabbed one of the makeup removed pads and swiped it off, watching her skin tone return and the glitter disappear.

She noticed that Hwari was staring into the mirror too.

“We’ll be here against in a month, okay?” Taeri said. Back to being temporary stars.

Hwari nodded. “Yes. We will.”

 

lee juri

ynb
 

 

 

“Unnie wait!”

Juri turned around, right in the middle of putting her coat over her own clothes. The wide, comfortable pants and thin sweater  felt a little weird after being in the tank top and tennis skirt so long. The switch from idol to person had always been a little jarring right at the switch moment, she’d never gotten used to that.

Liling was running up to her wearing her girlish pinks that wouldn’t look out of place in a Twice MV. Even out of idol gear she looked the part. “Let’s go grab a drink before we go home!”

“Eh, sure.” She kind of wanted to just be home and find her bed and sleep this all off but she probably should go with Liling and get a drink.

“Great,” Liling grabbed her own coat and suitcase. “Kyungmi should be coming soon and we can all go to that one place by the station.”

“Oh, great.” Ugh. That’s really what she wanted to see, more of Kyungmi’s gloating face. More of the crocodile tears that dried up a little too quickly as soon as the cameras were off. Great.

Just then the door opened and Kyungmi came through with Soyu and Nara, in the middle of laughing at some joke or other. “I’ll miss you!” she says, hugging Soyu. “Are you sure you can’t meet sometime before we’re back for evaluations?”

“We have training most days of the week,” Soyu says. “I’m sure they’re going to go extra hard on us because of Produce, but Sundays are usually free unless Dahee and Yeji are caught outside the dorm at night again.” She rolled her eyes. “Amateurs.”

“Great so maybe I’ll see you then?” Kyungmi grabbed her coat and her suitcase.

Soyu blinks when she sees Juri. “Oh, Juri, you can come too if you want?”

“Maybe,” Juri says, having absolutely no intention to go. She’d probably have work in the studio anyway. Hopefully. “Shall we get a move on?”

Juri didn’t miss the slight glare Kyungmi gave her for breaking up her little networking spree. She didn’t particularly feel guilty as she grabbed the handle of her luggage and started making her way through the hallways towards the exit. She assumed Liling and Kyungmi were following.

The entrance hall was busy with activity. There were some managers there to pick up their charges (Juri saw the FNC girls being herded out towards a big van and an impatient-looking man was glancing at Lucy and tapping his foot while the girl was too busy hugging the Thai girl and the Pinky look alike to notice.

There were a few parents, too. Must be kids who didn’t live at their company’s dorms all the time. The Pinky girl got enveloped by her mom who kissed her cheek and hugged her and fired a million questions her way. Juri smiled as the girl grew bright red and complained how embarrassing her mom was.

“Oh! Fen!” Liling called out. “Hang on I’m gonna go say goodbye!”

Juri and Kyungmi waited while Liling hugged the young Chinese girl and spoke in cheerful Mandarin. Juri forgot sometimes that Liling was Chinese, that’s how well she’d assimilated. She wondered if it was lonely for her to speak her native language so rarely. Ah well that was Liling’s business.

It didn’t take long for Liling to be done and then they were off into the clammy September air. She shouldn’t have taken her coat, even at 4AM it was still warm.

A few other girls walked towards the metro station like Juri, Liling, and Kyungmi did. Those girls from the Japanese girl group seemed to be getting place on their own, lugging their suitcases along with them and chatting happily in Japanese. The older independent girl was just stepping into a metro car when they arrived at the platform. Just like that she’d be out of Juri’s life for the next month.

“So, that was amazing, right?” Liling said as they waited for the metro to come. “It’s been so long since we’ve performed for an actual audience! My team was so great, we worked together so well and Ming Fen is an absolute sweetheart. Honestly, even if we hadn’t won I would’ve been happy to just feel like an idol again, you know? you didn’t win.”

“It’s okay, it’s not like the vote advantage matters,” Juri said. “If it’s like the other seasons it’ll be pitiful compared to the amount of online votes we get, all that matters is-”

“It was so great!” Kyungmi interrupted her. “Like you said I haven’t felt like an idol in like two years now but they loved us! Did you see how many votes I got?!”

“I did!” Liling smiled.

“I was so happy that I could show that I could be a main vocal,” Kyungmi continued. Juri was sure Kyungmi gave her a brief gloating glance. They’d always been competing over the lead vocal lines… She raised her chin just a little. She wouldn’t let Kyungmi get to her.

The metro arrived and they filtered in. Thankfully it wasn’t very busy and they had a minimal amount of drunks in their train. Juri had seen more than her fair share of metro vomiters in her life, any nightly journey without one was a bonus.

“I hope it was enough,” Liling said. “All of this.”

“You did great, Ling-ah,” Juri said. She knew Liling was fishing for compliments and she knew she needed them.

“It’s so weird that none of these people know about Produce yet,” Kyungmi said. “Not a single episode has aired. Do you think they would care once things got going?”

“It’s a phenomenon for sure,” Liling said. “But I still think most people in the metro at 3.30AM won’t care.”

Kyungmi grinned impishly and tapped the arm of a woman standing next to them. “Hi, do you know Produce 99?”

The woman  blinked, startled at being addressed by a stranger. “Eh- yes, my younger sister won’t shut up about it. She’ll probably make us watch it.”

“I’m a contestant!” Kyungmi said, all charm now. “We just finished filming our performances! Be sure to vote for me, it’s YNB’s Kim Kyungmi.”

The woman smiled. “I’ll be sure to vote for you a few times.”

Kyungmi bowed deeply. “Thank you very much.”

“I’m going home,” Juri said.

“What? Weren’t we going to get a drink?” Liling asked.

“I’m tired,” Juri lied. “And this is my stop. Have fun with your drinks.”

She was suddenly very glad for her coat, she got a sudden chill. The metro came to a halt and grabbed her suitcase and stepped out of the train. She should have waited for the next stop, she had longer to walk now. Maybe the fresh night air would do her good.

By the time she finally made it to her aunt and uncle’s apartment Juri was absolutely exhausted. She  fumbled for her keys and opened the lock. She pushed the door open with her shoulder and tried to wheel the suitcase in as quietly as she could.

“Juri?”

“Auntie I told you not to stay up for me.” Juri parked the suitcase and joined her aunt in the living room. The older woman sat up, obviously she’d fallen asleep on the sofa.

“I wanted to hear how things went,” her aunt said, getting up to get to the kitchen. “It’s not every day my niece gets another chance at her dreams!”

Juri refrained from pointing out that producing was more her dream than idoldom. She heard the characteristic beep of the microwave, of course her auntie’s first action was to feed her. Ahjummas were all the same even if this one wasn’t her mum.

“Why aren’t you telling me yet?” Auntie called from the kitchen.

“It was alright,” Juri leaned against the doorframe. “We didn’t win but I think we put down a good performance. We did Twice.”

“Oh, they’re very trendy aren’t they?” She shooed Juri back to the living room and set tupperware boxes of kimchi, rice, and fish in front of her.

“Yes, auntie.” Juri said, taking a bite of the kimchi. She wasn’t really hungry and shouldn’t break her diet but she knew auntie would never let her leave without eating something. “Is there any mail for me?”

Auntie shook her head. “You were waiting on a cheque?”

Juri sighed. Figures. She was never going to see any money for her work on UNB’s Black Heart  song for MBK. She wondered which of the two was withholding her money: MBK or her own company YNB. Either of them were very likely suspects. She couldn’t even fight it since her work wasn’t even under her own name. “I don’t think I’m ever seeing that money.”

She closed the tupperware containers and put them back into the fridge. “Thanks auntie. I’m gonna go sleep now.” She’d see if YNB had a composition job for her tomorrow that maybe they would pay her for this time.

And if not?

Well, she’d see.