A/N: Hi, guys! Sorry for the bit of wait for this update. I have multiple active stories that I’m trying to all write and update right now. I’m hoping to finish all my Changkyu stories by July, or August at the latest (definitely before a certain someone’s wedding in September), and I also have Kyusung stories that I’m working on at the same time, so things are a bit crazy for me. XD

Anyway, here’s the next chapter. It’s kind of long, though…

Kyuhyun was barely an inch away from having a panic attack.

Changmin was going to arrive soon.

Changmin was coming. Here. To Kyuhyun’s hyung’s apartment.

Yesterday afternoon, after Kyuhyun had calmed his heart when Changmin finally replied to his text messages, he had invited Changmin to come to his diva hyung’s apartment, including the address in the message. Changmin had agreed. And that had been the end of their conversation yesterday.

And Kyuhyun had been anxious ever since.

Of course, this was what he wanted. In the hundreds and hundreds of messages that he’d sent to Changmin in the past few days, Kyuhyun had begged Changmin to let him explain. And now, Changmin had finally agreed to talk to him. And it was sending Kyuhyun to the brink of having a panic attack. 

Yes, it was a good thing that Changmin was finally letting him explain, but the enormity of what was going to happen was making Kyuhyun feel quite nauseous.

This talk with Changmin would either be the saving grace of their relationship… or it would really lead to the end of their relationship.

In his mind, Kyuhyun imagined a coin being tossed into the air. When it landed, it could be either heads or tails. A 50/50 chance. And there’s no way to tell which side would be facing up when the coin landed.

Their impending talk felt very much like this coin toss to Kyuhyun.

It would either save or break their relationship.

So, of course, Kyuhyun had been quite nervous since yesterday afternoon.

He was so nervous that he hadn’t even been able to truly enjoy the delicious dinner that his diva hyung and his boyfriend had prepared (well, it was really just Hankyung who prepared it; the diva only “supervised” the making of the dinner). And of course, his diva hyung was even more annoyed that Kyuhyun couldn’t enjoy the dinner and had just been distracted. But his diva hyung wasn’t more annoyed at Kyuhyun; instead, the diva became even more annoyed at Changmin.

The diva was furious at Changmin, not only for upsetting his dongsaeng but also for even making him unable to eat properly. He wanted to kill Changmin even more after last night’s dinner.

…Which was why Kyuhyun had conveniently “forgotten” to tell his diva hyung that he and Changmin would be talking today.

At the diva’s very own apartment.

Kyuhyun had pulled Hankyung aside last night and asked the older man if he could keep the diva away and occupied today. Hankyung, being a kind and helpful person, readily agreed. So, at least Kyuhyun didn’t have to worry about his diva hyung suddenly showing up during their talk. There would at least be no chance of the diva trying to stab Changmin or scratch out Changmin’s eyes or something equally horrendous.

That was one less thing for Kyuhyun to worry about.

Now, he only had about a gazillion things left to worry about regarding their talk. (Yes, a gazillion. As you might have noticed, Kyuhyun was quite prone to exaggeration and dramatics, especially when anxious.)

As 3pm (the time that they agreed to meet) approached, Kyuhyun almost wore a hole through his hyung’s living room floor due to his frantic and nonstop pacing.

For the hundredth time, he wondered if he had made the right decision to invite Changmin here. If it was right for their talk to happen in his diva hyung’s apartment.

Changmin had never been here before during their relationship; the couple had often hanged out at Changmin’s cousin’s apartment instead. Kyuhyun had never invited Changmin over to his home. Partly because Kyuhyun had been worried that Changmin would figure out the truth about his identity if he came here, and partly because Kyuhyun hadn’t wanted to subject his boyfriend to his diva hyung’s craziness. The new environment might make Changmin more tense and uncomfortable during their talk. And going to Kyuhyun’s home would let Changmin understand who Kyuhyun truly was. Of course, Changmin really needed to know who Kyuhyun truly was (as it was mainly Kyuhyun keeping his true identity a secret that led to their fallout, after all), but at the same time, Kyuhyun was worried that Changmin wouldn’t like who he truly was.

Despite his worries about the location, though, Kyuhyun had decided that his home was still the better option. The better option as opposed to their talk being done at Yunho’s apartment. If the talk went badly and if Changmin really decided to end things between them, Kyuhyun would be destroyed, and he didn’t know how he would be able to make it from Yunho’s apartment back to his diva hyung’s apartment.

If their relationship ended, it was better that the talk was done at Kyuhyun’s home.

So that he could immediately crawl onto his bed afterward. And cry his eyes out. And die.    

But more than worrying about the location, Kyuhyun was rightfully more worried about what he would say. Sure, he had to explain the truth. But how would he even begin to explain that? How would he even start a conversation like that? Maybe he should start by—?

However, before Kyuhyun could even decide what he would first say to Changmin, his panicking thoughts were interrupted.

The doorbell suddenly rang. Kyuhyun abruptly halted in his pacing as though he had hit an invisible wall.

Changmin was here.

…And Kyuhyun was really pushed off the edge, and he started having that panic attack.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Changmin was here! What was he going to do?! What was he going to say?!

Kyuhyun felt so nervous that he might vomit and empty the contents of his stomach right there and then (and his diva hyung would kill him for making such a mess in his living room).

Kyuhyun didn’t know how long he stood there, frozen and having a panic attack. It might have been only a minute. It might have been a millennium.

But the doorbell rang for the second time.

What should he do?!

Well, open the goddamn door, for starters!, his snarky mind finally butted in and tried to get some reasoning through all the panic.

Right.

Open the door.

Otherwise, Changmin might think that no one was home or that Kyuhyun didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Then, Changmin would leave for good, and that would really be the end of their relationship, and Kyuhyun would be left to live the rest of his life alone in misery, and—

Open. The. Goddamn. Door.

His subconsciousness (thankfully) broke through his panicked rambling again. The second prod from his mind finally did the trick. Kyuhyun bolted to the door… and practically flung it open, surprising the person outside.

Changmin had been waiting outside, but the abrupt way that the door had opened really caught him off guard. Shock and a bit of alarm were clear on his face. He quickly got over the shock, though, and his eyes met Kyuhyun’s eyes.

Kyuhyun felt like he would melt on the spot.

It’s only been days since he’d last seen Changmin, but at the same time, it already felt to Kyuhyun like it had been forever. 

However, Changmin’s stare also made Kyuhyun feel quite self-conscious.

Conscious of his appearance.

Kyuhyun had, of course, showered, brushed his teeth, and combed his hair. He was dressed in casual but presentable clothes.

The issue was that he was now dressed as himself.

As Kyuhyun.

Not as Kyuna.

No dresses or blouses. No heels. No girly accessories. No long, blonde wig.

Just some nice but casual shirt and jeans plus sneakers, all from the men’s section of the department store. Just his real short, floppy brown hair.

Initially, Kyuhyun had wondered if he should dress as Kyuna. But upon reflection, he decided that it wouldn’t be a good choice. After all, him pretending and tricking Changmin into thinking that he was female was what had hurt and angered Changmin so much. He had to regain Changmin’s trust, and the best way to do it was to show Changmin that he was willing to truly be honest now. To truly let Changmin see who he really was.

Kyuhyun only hoped that Changmin would still like who he really was.

Changmin gave him a brief nod. “Kyuhyun,” he greeted simply.

Changmin had only said his name, but Kyuhyun was already experiencing a whirlwind of emotions inside him. Maybe it was because Changmin had, for the first time, called him by his real name, not as “Kyuna.” Changmin was acknowledging him as his real identity, not the façade that he had created. Being called by his real name made everything feel more real and intimate to Kyuhyun.

“Ch-Changmin,” Kyuhyun responded, mentally kicking himself for stammering and sounding like an idiot. In his defense, he was so nervous that of course some stammering on his part was to be expected. “Uhm, hi… Uh… Uh, c-come on in…”

He stepped back and allowed Changmin to pass through the doorway.

Changmin went inside, glancing around the place.

“Uh,” Kyuhyun mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck, hoping to ease the tension that he was feeling (of course, it didn’t really ease the tension). “So, this is my hyung’s apartment… Uhm, s-sit down and make yourself at home…” He gestured at the couch. (Kyuhyun had vacuumed the couch and washed the cushion covers just this morning, making sure that no evidence of him soaking the couch with tears was left behind.)

Changmin sat down, and he looked as every bit tensed and uncomfortable as Kyuhyun had imagined he would be.

That wasn’t a good sign.

“Er, can I… can I get you anything to drink? Soda? Tea? Water?” Kyuhyun asked, remembering his manners as host.

“No, thank you.”

Kyuhyun shifted his uneasily from one foot to the other.

The couch was the only place to sit. There were no other chairs. The living room was spacious, but his diva hyung preferred to fill the space with “decorations for aesthetics to liven up the place” (whatever the hell that meant) rather than on actual, functional furniture for sitting.

There was nowhere else to sit but the couch. Kyuhyun would have to sit beside Changmin. Talk about making things even more awkward.

Kyuhyun slowly walked to the couch and carefully planted his on one end of the couch. Changmin was sitting at the opposite end, and he kept his eyes on Kyuhyun the whole time. There was a considerable gap between them. Of course, the couch wasn’t that large, so the space between them wasn’t so big. But still, even some space between them was already so different from how things were before. Before that God-awful revelation at the park, Changmin would always pull “Kyuna” close to him when they were lounging together on Yunho’s couch. So close that they were pressed together and there wasn’t even a centimeter of space between them. The space between them now said a lot.

A few minutes of painful, awkward silence passed.

Changmin just kept looking at Kyuhyun with a blank, unreadable expression, while Kyuhyun kept his eyes fixed on his lap, where his hands were clasped together, his thumbs twiddling.

“So,” Changmin eventually said with a heavy sigh, breaking the silence. Kyuhyun’s eyes immediately flashed to the other man’s face. “You wanted to talk with me, Kyuhyun?”

“Well, uhm, yeah… but… I guess I don’t really know… where and how to begin…”

Changmin nodded. “You can take your time. There’s no rush… But before you begin, I have to ask—what exactly do you hope to gain from this talk, Kyuhyun?”

Kyuhyun felt his heart stutter, stop beating for a second, and then restart beating again at a frantic pace. Changmin’s question was foreboding. “I-I suppose is just mainly w-want the chance to explain… For you to let me explain myself… Hear me out about why I kept the truth a secret… And, well…” He trailed off.

“And?”

Kyuhyun ducked his head a bit, unable to meet Changmin’s gaze as he replied in barely above a whisper, “And… I hope that we… can still fix and save our relationship.”

He felt Changmin stare at him for an immeasurable amount time. Then, Changmin let out another heavy sigh.

A sigh was not a positive sound. Kyuhyun’s heart started to crack at the sigh. What did the sigh mean? Was Changmin against that bit about their relationship?

“Look, Kyuhyun,” Changmin began. “I’m not even going to deny that I’ve been angry and hurt about everything that’s happened. You already know that I feel that way. So, to be honest, I can’t give you a clear answer right now about our ‘relationship’. Not when I’m not even sure if we even had a real ‘relationship’ instead of some big lie…”

Kyuhyun looked devastated at those words, and he opened his mouth. Whether to protest or to beg or both, he wasn’t entirely sure. However, Changmin raised a hand and stopped Kyuhyun’s interruption. 

Changmin continued, “But I will listen to you right now. I promise to hear out everything that you have to say to me. Yunho hyung said that I needed to let you explain things. For my own peace of mind, if nothing else… So, I will listen, and I will try to keep an open mind and understand why you led me on like that. For now, that’s all that I can promise.”

Kyuhyun nodded resignedly. That was fair, he supposed. And well, that was better than nothing. Better than Changmin immediately saying there’s no more hope for their relationship, at least.

Changmin promised to listen and to try to understand, and Kyuhyun was not going to waste this opportunity.

“You want to know why I kept the truth hidden from you,” Kyuhyun started. “Well, I guess the answer is that it’s because the truth hasn’t been easy for me to live with.”

Changmin nodded, agreeing with Kyuhyun’s statement. Yes, being homoual really wasn’t easy in the traditional society that they lived in. He had seen that much from his cousin Yunho’s experiences and relationship.

“I suppose everything really started out a long time ago. Even when I was a kid, in my elementary and middle school years, I knew that I was… different. I just wasn’t interested in girls in that way. With guys, on the other hand…” He shrugged helplessly. “I eventually came to the realization that I was gay when I started high school, and well, I was ing terrified. My family… didn’t approve of homouality, and that’s putting it lightly.” 

Changmin had to him a sympathetic look. His cousin had been lucky that their family was alright with it and accepted Yunho’s uality. But Changmin knew that most people in their country wasn’t so accepting and open-minded about the topic.

“For the first few years of my high school life, I kept the truth a secret from my family. It wasn’t easy. I was close to my parents and my sister, and I didn’t want to lie them. But I had to. And I wasn’t very good at lying to them. I lived in fear that they would find out. I was worried that something I said or did would somehow clue them in…”

Kyuhyun thought back to those times. They weren’t easy. He couldn’t even be in the presence of his family without breaking into cold sweat, so scared he was.

“Then, in my senior year of high school, I just couldn’t stand it anymore. Living in fear like that wasn’t good for anyone. And I thought that if I could just properly explain it to my family, they’d understand. I thought that if I could let them see that I was still the Kyuhyunnie whom they knew and loved even though I was attracted to the same , they’d be able to accept me.” Kyuhyun swallowed a lump in his throat. “I was wrong.”

“What happened?” Changmin asked quietly, though he already had a good guess of what had happened. During their “relationship,” Kyuhyun never talked much about his family. If he ever mentioned them, it was only briefly when recounting a childhood memory with them from long ago. Changmin had already guessed even back then that his “girlfriend” didn’t have a good relationship with “her” family.

Kyuhyun smiled bitterly. “They kicked me out.”

Changmin’s eyes widened. “Seriously?!”

Changmin couldn’t stop the loud exclamation that escaped from his mouth. Okay, so Kyuhyun’s parents didn’t approve of homouality—but, really?! To kick out their own son just because he was gay?!

Kyuhyun nodded miserably. “Yeah, seriously. Never mind that I was their youngest child and their only son. Never mind that I was still a few months away from turning eighteen years old. Never mind that we’ve always had a good relationship before. Never mind that I’ve always made them proud and happy over the years. None of those things mattered anymore when I confessed to them that I like men. They still just threw me out of the house.”

Changmin felt his heart ache for Kyuhyun. “What did you then? Did you report them? Technically, what they did was illegal. You were still a minor then. That was child neglect and abandonment.”

Kyuhyun let out a humorless chuckle, sliding down a bit against the back of the couch. “Report them to the authorities? I wasn’t about to sue them for abandoning me. I was more focused on having a roof over my head.”

“Where did you stay?” Changmin asked. He couldn’t stop the sudden concern and worry that filled him. So help him, if Kyuhyun said that he had to live on the streets, Changmin would be hard-pressed not to go looking for Kyuhyun’s family and give them a piece of his mind!

“I stayed with a hyung. He was an older student whom I knew because we were both in the school’s gaming club. When I was kicked out of my parents’ home, he had already graduated from high school and was attending