Amber clutched the appointment sheet in her hand. Why had they set her up with a male therapist? She hated being alone in a room with him. Her skin crawled and she was constantly on edge. After two weeks, she started skipping appointments. Then they set her up with an older female who’d been judging and condescending. 

She tossed the newest sheet into the trash can, glaring at her manager, and joined the other girls in the practice room. 
“Where’ve you been?” Sulli asked, dropping an arm around her shoulders. “We’ve got a comeback to prepare for.” 

Weighing. Measuring. 

Her head hurt. 

A new diet sheet. 

Work out instructions to tone but never build muscle. 

Lots of cardio. 

She gripped Krystal’s hand on the way out of the building and didn’t let it go. Her lifeline. Her best friend. 

“What’s up? Did you want to hang out or something?” The younger girl asked, brow furrowed. “I actually have a photo shoot after this. I-“

Amber released Krystal’s hand. “That’s fine,” she cut in. “I was planning to have a party at my place later anyway. That’s all.”

“Amb-“

She waved off the managers and her members and pulled up the hood of her jacket, ducking into a bus stopped a few feet down. She pressed shades over her eyes and kept her sleeved hand in front of . 

No one should recognize her. 

__

Krystal could feel the other members’ eyes on her, but she was just as confused and heartbroken as they were. She wished Amber would confide in her. She missed how they’d been when they first met. Krystal felt that Amber was struggling with something heavy and worried about her more than the other members because nearly everyone else had family nearby and Victoria was fine on her own. 

-    Want me to come over after my shoot?, she texted. 

-    Nah. House is packed. I know you don’t really like these sorts of parties.

She tugged at a strand of her hair. Amber was both surrounding herself with people and closing herself off. 

-    I’ll be there around 10. 

-    I don’t need a babysitter. Stop mothering me. 

Krystal bit her lip, her eyes stinging from the sharp response. 

___

Amber sat alone in her bedroom, guitar across her knees, the sound of the party she’d started still raged on the other side of her door. She hoped when she went out there the next morning the place wasn’t completely trashed and her television would still be collecting dust on the stand. 

-    I want you to stop worrying about me, she texted Krystal. All you do is worry about me and work, when was the last time you saw your school friends? 

-    But you’re my best friend.

-    And I’ll be your only friend if you keep this up. I’m fine. I promise. And the party . And I’m in a bad mood so I’d be bad company anyway. 

-    You’re always good company, even when you’re bad company. 

Amber smiled, propping her chin on the guitar body. 

-    You’re sweet. You’re going to make someone an amazing girlfriend one day.

Her heart ached. She wished she’d been able to get a copy of that stupid contract she’d signed so she could get it to her family’s lawyer, but she hadn’t seen it since she signed it. She had no clue how binding it was, if there was any way out of it, or if she’d been tricked by a disgusting group of people who wanted her to live in fear and secrecy. 

-    I hope so. There’s this girl in one of my classes that I like. I’m hoping she likes me too.

-    Who wouldn’t? 

-    You.

Amber shook her head chuckling softly and got back to trying to write a song.

__

Krystal released a frustrated and embarrassed breath. She needed to stop fishing for Amber’s feelings. That wasn’t something a friend would do and that’s all that Amber wanted to be. 

Maybe she really should see if that girl at school liked her back. They wouldn’t really be able to date with their schedule and the possibility of someone finding out; but it helped that nearly everyone was living in the closet and wanted to stay that way. 

She decided she would pass Ju In a note the next day to see if something would happen. Besides, she couldn’t let that barely there graze of the lips with Amber be her first and only kiss. 

She brushed her hand over her lips that seemed to remember that whisper of warm skin and frisson of electricity that had seemed to pass between them in that minuscule moment. 

It had felt so much like something might be there. 

But Amber didn’t like her that way. 

The electricity she thought she felt must have been her own mind creating it from the nerves that had been zinging around in her brain. 

She thanked their manager when they arrived at her house and quickly began penning and placing stickers on a pale blue piece of stationary for the cute girl in her home room.

She wouldn’t make it look too much like a confession, just in case the girl was into boys, but inviting her out to a play just a little bit more than casually should do the trick. 
__

“Amber! This is the third time this week I’ve come back to empty beer bottles and take out boxes all over the living room.” 

Amber was in the process of cleaning up after the party she’d barely attended. She always found it rather therapeutic to make the apartment look nice again. Her friend who was staying with her while visiting family in Korea who didn’t have enough space to house her entire family for the trip, stood with her hands poised her her hips, annoyed. 

“Could you help me take this down to recycling?” She asked, rather than responding to Ally’s unspoken question. 

“You’re so-“ 

“What?” Amber challenged her. 

Ally shook her head, confused by the differences she saw in her high school friend.

“Nothing. Where are the bags?” 

Amber was a little disappointed the girl hadn’t pushed her, but she was used to people becoming uncomfortable. They wanted to know if you were fine until you told them that you weren’t. 

Better for everyone to just pretend. 

Her family had believed she was fine when 'd returned to Korea. Even she'd been convinced she was better.

Her phone chimed and the words were like a blow to her already fragile state. 

-    I asked someone out today and she said yes. 

She didn’t want to resent Krystal for being able to live her life, but somewhere inside of her, she did. 

-    Maybe I can come over tomorrow and I can tell you how my first date went?

She dropped her phone on her desk and grabbed up her skateboard, leaving the bags of recycling at the front door.