xvii. death of a heart

[ ludvico einaudi - nefeli  ]

LISA.

I love you, Lisa that phrase was repeating inside my head wondering which part of it was a lie. And how I just realized now that everything she said to pull my heart into her were never as equal as to the love she'll sacrifice to Roseanne. Unfortunately I was right, it didn't took long.

It didn't took long enough for me to make my worst nightmare come into reality. One was seeing Jen over Roseanne. Confessing all the love she has to the maiden. Baring each other's lips, fondling, caressing. Skin to skin. Right in front of me. Right inside the studio that I gave her as a gift. Both sharing a kiss under the dimmed lights of the room.

I wanted to destroy the walls. Expose them and their doing. Exploit them for playing with my feelings. You just had to me over again Jen! My eyes burned. My veins were in flames. I can feel my skin peeling out of heat. I was in strenuous anger. One in which you want the devil himself to avenge you.

My jealousy was in the grave. Cutting my throat, slashing my bones, crumbling my heart into ashes. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to blow myself up. I was barely breathing as tears started to melt through my face.

I took a step back as the nervous pounding of my heart weakened my knees, but they heard me, their eyes immediately saw my shadow. Of course they were frightened, scared, worried. Although words were not spoken at that moment, we knew the chaos inside our minds too well. It was at war. Hostility and anger mixed the fumes in the atmosphere. "Oh, Lisa I-" Roseanne stuttered in a frail voice as they both stopped.

I shook my head out of disbelief as my eyes nailed onto Jen's, "You should've said so, Jen." A tear rolled down my face as both of my jaw and fist clenched. She didn't speak, but I saw her eyes, she was about to cry herself. "Sorry to ing disturb you." I was enraged as I walk out of the studio. Each step was heavier than the next, I felt mangled. I managed to start my car and dash out but not seconds later, Jen's Volkswagen was chasing me from behind. I still kept crying as I sip everything inside of my titanic brandy flask. 

I only look at you.

I love you, Lisa. I do.

The dawning of our memories flashing through my head made my heart more scarred. Was it all a facade? Was it all words? To trick me? To break me more after? 

The alcohol just numbed my senses more. I was blind, blurred, distorted from reality. I'm drunk and I'm broken just the right way to slowly kill myself. "LISA! STOP! TALK TO ME!" I can hear her desperate scream as she tries to chase me from the sides. I turned my eyes towards her and just blankly stared at Jen. I was senseless.

And in split seconds, I felt my system having no control of the wheels. I just feel dazed. Then few seconds after, I felt like crashing. The car stopped with a big bump and I felt nauseous and dizzy. I just realized that I crashed at a nearby post lamp, I didn't care if I had a wound, my heart was bleeding too much. "ing great!" I cursed as I sip another shot on the brandy flask and got out of the car. As I stepped outside I saw Jen's car right in front of me, I quickly turned my back and walked the opposite direction. Just because I didn't want to see her face. I didn't want the pain to grow further. I just wanna get out. Run away.

"LISA PLEASE LET'S TALK!" Her voice wanted me to stop but I knew that if I did I'll bleed in front of her and I couldn't afford that breakdown. "ING LEAVE!" I was adamant as I tried my best to walk straight. The road seemed rippled. 

"I WON'T!"

"I'M DONE YOU'VE HURT ME ENOUGH!" I yelled as I doubled my pace. But just as I thought I could walk away easily she suddenly embraces me from behind. 

She caught me again.

And I let her,

Again.

She held me so tight that I couldn't move a foot forward. "No. Don't walk away. I know it hurts but don't walk away." Her crippled voice brought back all the memories we had. All those that have nourished my heart and my life. So I stood frozen as the pain was slowly breaking into my system.

"You're breaking my heart, Jen." My voice was shaking. Admitting that made my heart more vulnerable, scared, and in gloom. I held on to her arms which were on my waist. "You swore not to but what have you done?" I continued to shatter. She holds me tighter as I hear her sob. " I messed up. I didn't mean it. I swear."

Anger breached. She can't just say a generic excuse after ruining the trust that I have left for her. "For 's sake grow up Jen!" I let go of her embrace with force as I faced her. It was painful seeing her. "Seriously!? That's all you've got!? You just say that you ing messed up and I need to forgive you now because oh! apparently I'm used to getting hurt so why not do it to me again right?!" With scorching eyes, I tried my best to be strong enough to speak. To rage out. To spill all the pain.

"I never said that Lisa." She rebutted.

"Well then why does it feel like it?!"

"I love you, you know that."

"You still have the audacity to tell me that after slurring your mouth all over Roseanne?!"

"She knows!" Jen interrupted and I stood frozen all of a sudden.

"What do you mean she knows?!"

"Chaeyoung. She somehow remembers Chaeyoung." She revealed. 

"You told her?!" I was bewildered.

"No. She just told me she knows Chaeyoung's memories and it lives with her." Jen continued. "And I don't know. Knowing that I-" Sadness were in her eyes. The kind that has mourned for years. It resurfaced. "-I just couldn't stop my heartbreak. I just lost it when I remembered all the pain I went through. I broke down. Remembering Chaeyoung has always been tormenting and I'm sorry that I was vulnerable and that I missed her. I'm sorry that I didn't stop. I'm sorry that Chaeng makes me weak. But I love you, Lisa." 

Hearing that just made me realize that she was not the soul for me. It never was. I just forced it to be mine.

"You know what I'm sorry for?" My voice cracked as tears started falling. I'm breaking my own heart. "I'm sorry that I forced you to live as Jen! I'm sorry that I told you that I'll fight to win you when I knew I've already lost from the beginning!"

"Baby, you never did. Don't say that. Don't stop fighting for us." She shook her head instantaneously.

"I'm sorry but the time when you kissed Roseanne was the same time I knew I had to stop fighting." I  blurted out.

"Lisa, it was a mistake! I didn't mean to take that kiss."

"That wasn't a mistake. I saw your eyes. You wanted to kiss her. You've always wanted to. You just didn't want to tell me."

"I thought she was Chaeyoung, it provoked me to. The memories. The hurt."

"Which is why fighting for this is useless. You'd never be the soul that loved me before. You are Chaeyoung's Jennie and your heart still mourns for her & I could not change that. I could not heal that. And I hate you for it, because now? You've left me clueless, I thought I only loved Jen but you made me fall in love with Jennie too. Now how am I suppose to live knowing that I'll never get both?" I expressed as the feeble cold air shocked my body. I can feel my system all crashing down from the emotions that was too overwhelming to take.

"Hey, hey. Look at me." Her quivering palms caressed my face and I just went on melt down as my eyes bawled out. Baring my shattered self in front of the woman I love. She whispers under her shaking voice, "I love you too. Do you hear me? Whoever I am, what name I might have, regardless of it all, I'm still in love with you." I closed my eyes as I tried to feel the radiating warmth of Jen's hands. 

I shook my head continuously, my heart wanted her to say that but I knew she was lying to herself. "Do you, really? Or you just say that because you don't want to feel guilty of hurting me a lot of times?" I said in defiance. 

"You think being Jen has been easy for me?! I had to figure out tons of feelings and try my best not to hurt anyone. Imagine being dragged into a time where you're obligated to act as the perfect rich heir, to study your most hated college degree, to see the face of a dead lover everyday and do everything in your power to give love to a stranger because apparently she's supposed to be the only woman you'll love in that lifetime."

"THEN ING DON'T LOVE ME OKAY?" My lungs burned out and the burning of my flesh didn't help my self-remorse either. "BUT I ALREADY AM. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. IT JUST TOOK AWHILE." Jen cried as she burst, she grabs hold of my hands again as our foreheads locked. Letting go of each other's breaths in rhythm. She lowly utters, "And I'm sorry that it took awhile, I'm sorry that I only gave you heartbreak. But I swear to the stars, I wanted to love you as bad as you love me." Her tone was graving and shattering at the same time. Now I didn't know what to do.

Shall I convince myself? This is what I wanted right? Stripping her bare soul in front of me. Confessing her adoration. Pleading for me to give the same love back. I should want this but I'm too hurt to accept it. Such irony does this universe have. Just right when the galaxy have finally aligned my chosen fate, it also decides to numb me in pain, doubt and hurt so that I could never see which one's the brighter star. Huh, it knows me too well.

"Forgive me. I'm here now. Please don't go." And like a dust in the void an embrace from her caught me in question. Yet it was tight and warm as always but I didn't get what I was feeling. "You said you'll stay, remember? So stay." Underneath her tears was a plead waiting to be granted.

I took a long breath, "I'm standing in the middle of a dark aggravating road, broken and drunk, and with the love of