xi. retrouvailles

[ vivaldi - four seasons : spring ]

LISA.

An empty feeling woke me up from my slumber. I fidgeted as I flexed my hand. The hand that I held Jen with, was now cold. The absence of her skin's warmth and softness made my hand rough and dry, with no life. With no meaning. I opened my eyes and scanned around the room, "Jen? Where are you?" I uttered hoping she would hear me from somewhere. Yet there was no response, it was just dark and silent.

I wanted to convince myself to not look for her, because for all I know, she didn't even care to tell me that she'll go out. It was okay for her to leave me alone. Yet I know I ing care too much, so I grabbed my coat by the nearby window, but when I was about to turn around, I caught something at the corner of my eye.

It was Jen. She was walking back home with Roseanne. Wait, what? Confusion traveled my mind. I furrowed my eyes as if it helped me to see them clearly. They were on their gear, with free hands gliding through each other's sides. If only a magnet can enclose them then they would be holding hands right now, and seeing the look on their faces, they wouldn't mind doing that at all. I saw a smile on Jen's face, an intricate feeling reflected from it. There was joy in her eyes, something I tried many times to make yet all I get is a compromised one. Maybe, because she doesn't know who she was when she's with me before, who was I to her before, and what we were before.

A nail pierced my heart through and through, I didn't want to feel this kind of childishness. You know.

The one they call, jealousy. My mind says it's absurd but my heart say it's my right to feel.

Here I am, with burning skin, feeling all the mediocrity of not being enough for Jen.

As I hear her cautious footsteps moving closer, I breathed in deep, it all in my system. Pretending that I haven't seen her with Roseanne, trying so hard to deny the obvious.

"Lisa? You're awake?" A shocked expression was Jen's first greeting. The awkward atmosphere suspended into the air. "Yeah, I woke up out of nowhere and noticed you were gone." I explained with consciousness, "Where have you been?" I added a question.

"Oh." She took a pause, presumably thinking of a reason out. "I couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to go on a quick ride down the meadows." she said. Unexpectedly, she's telling the truth.

"What did you find?" I asked, "A breath of fresh air." she answered with eyes full of certainty as if it was going to smile. "Well, you should rest again Jen. You haven't fully recovered yet." I said in reminder of her situation. "I'll be sleeping next door." I added. I figured out that it was best to let her keep the space she has with me right now, because I know everything is a bit overwhelming. I want her to breathe even if it means being distant towards her.

"Talk to you in the morning." My lips drew a smile to assure Jen that it was okay. That I was okay,even if not. I advanced my way to the door but as I turned the knob with my right hand, a warm caress held my left "Wait." Jen spoke fidgetly. Her voice softly poked my heart. I turned and meet her shining orbs. "Can you just stay? Because everything will be different in the morning." her words took all of my inhibitions, and maybe there was hope after all.

"What do you mean it'll be different?" My crunched forehead resurfaced. "We pretend to be friends whenever the sun is out." Jen said, "But tonight, I can have you as my girlfriend. And that's a huge ing difference." As she said those words her hand gripped mine tighter, I looked at her and it was all of me that I saw. . Why do I love you so much? I mentally torture myself with this question everytime Jen seeks through my eyes. "So stay." As Jen ended her sentence my madness subsided too. Tranquility grimaced again. This is all of her eyes' fault. Those eyes damn me every ing time yet it also does me better. It reminds me of how I can do greater things, of how I can be stronger, and how I can love her without condition. Over and over again.

"I can be whatever, and I will still stay with you." I said in response as I gazed through her angelic face that is glowing beneath this dark space. "Thank you, that means a lot." She spoke it like an altered whisper. By then. all I saw was her. In that moment, it was only her that mattered regardless if it was real or not.

...

We were in the same bed. It was one hell of an awkward scene. Both of our eyes were on the ceiling, with an inch distance between our bodies, we were feeling the tension. Yet no one was ready to acknowledge it. My neck stiffened, I wanted to turn my head around and see Jen's face yet wariness consumed my confidence. I was just too ing conscious.

"Do you have something to say?" Her wholesome voice resonated through the room, I was reminded why I was in love. I crumpled my hands deeper into the sheets as I gulped and shook my head, "Nothing." I simply responded. "Well, I have." She was quick to speak again. I was flustered. My heart was beating furiously and I didn't know where to put my hands, my feet was so stiff. I was like a corpse with a frantic heart. Yet regardless of all the things she makes me feel, I will still choose to feel. It may be pain or great happiness, as long as Jen is the one who's making me feel like this then the rest.

I heard her breathe deeply before uttering, "I'm sorry if I haven't been acting the girlfriend that you should have." A voice of apology ran through her words. And , those came right through me but I still chose to keep quiet and let her speak, "I don't know what 'Jen' does to make you happy. If I only had one ing idea I could've done it a long time ago. I just feel so guilty." She continued as sadness dripped from her eyes. She poured out a tear.

My instinct made me move, I glided my hands through her warm cheek as I caught her tear. I was facing her now, with her hot breath lingering through my skin. "Hey, I know you've been trying your best to cope up with everything here. You don't need to feel burdened to make me feel happy." I tried to convince her. "I just don't want it to happen again." Her voice lowered, as if it wasn't meant to be worded out. "What?" I asked with furrowed eyebrows.

"Remember when I told you that I had a Lisa on my other life?" Her eyes were watery but it was staring at me, with intent. I was engrossed so I nodded. "We had this kind of relationship where I made it more toxic than it already was. I left her broken everytime, and I regret that." She paused, and lay her hand down my cheek. I was warmer than before. Her touch set me at peace, with assurance, and great sense of comfort. She held