“Hi” it was the most painful greeting I have ever done, I did a deep bow more to hide my expression than to show respect. It took me a while to recover my voice so the girl standing in front of me was looking a little relieved to hear me said something after my long pause.

“Seung-chan is on the phone so he asked me to get the door, please come in” So she was Japanese, not just because she called him “Seung-chan” but also because of her accent.

I just nodded and followed her inside the apartment that was more a penthouse, with a big terrace and ceiling to floor windows to let the sun flow in. And even though the furniture and decorations were and looked expensive, the whole feel of the place was cozy, very much a home, unlike the places I own, where they can look like a museum or like a workplace of a crazy wannabe artist with OCD.

She stopped in front of a closed door, but I could hear Seungri’s voice through it, he was speaking Chinese and even though I couldn’t understand a word I could feel his anxiety. The door opened to reveal a very agitated Seungri walking in circles on what looked to be his studio.

He look up and locked eyes with the girl before extending his hand for her to take it, once she did it he visibly calmed down. And I just felt… bad, in a way I cannot even describe. This was wrong…

Wasn’t I the one that use to give him reassurance? Wasn’t I the one he have always look up to? The one he ask for advice? The one that could make him feel better in any situation?

And it hit me. No, it was the other way around, he have always been the optimist, the positive one, the one that makes me feel safe, comfortable with myself. I was the darkness and he was my light.

And the only thing I’ve been doing was filling his life with that darkness.

The realization made me feel dizzy, it was as if I wasn’t even there, he didn’t acknowledge my presence, and he keep holding her hand and talking on the phone.  I have never felt more irrelevant and small in my life.

I wanted to run, to hide at my studio in Jeju. I didn’t even want to write or compose or paint, I just wanted to get consumed in this feelings, because this was my fault, I caused this.

I was the reason for Seungri to be with someone else, I push him out of my life.

After what feel like hours he finally hung up and looked at my direction, not at me.

“Sorry, it was important... I assume the two of you already introduced each other”

“Well no… we didn’t have the chance but I assume she is…” I spoke faster than intended and felt breathless doing it.

“Itsuki, nice to meet you.” She introduce herself “Although I already know who you are.”

“Who am I?” it was a real question and she was caught off guard. I wasn’t trying to be rude, I was curious. She knew who I was as in the celebrity, or as in an acquaintance of Seungri, as his hyung, friend…? I wanted to know if he have ever talk about me with her, if I have ever been a part of their conversations…

“Yes… well… I know you as Seung-chan’s hyung and as the famous artist G-Dragon” I just nodded and let the awkward silence to surround us. I had many questions, but I knew I couldn’t ask, I didn’t have the right…

“Itsuki… would you mind…?” He didn’t have to say more, she smile at him and before exiting the room she made a small bow at me.

We didn’t say a word and I just ended sitting on a couch that was right beside the door, because my legs did not seem to be able to hold me anymore, Seungri ended leaning against the window on the opposite side of the room.

He was the one that broke the s