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with a shattered heart that never seems to pass,

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two souls collided, crashed,  then fall »

ep sixteen

....

ROSÉ.

"I'll pick you up at 10, okay?" Jennie said as she stopped in front of Soo-young's house. I nodded in agreement and kissed her goodbye. "Babe, don't worry you'll be fine." was the last words Jennie said to ease my anxiousness. I admit, I've been nervous throughout the ride, I don't know if they will be awkward or it will be as the same as before. I stood at the doorstep while knocking three times. My posture was unsettling so I kept twisting my body out of agitation.

Not a minute went by, the big wooden door was opened and I was greeted by Soo-young. "Rosé! Finally you're here." Soo-young immediately called out her parents I heard their voices saying they are coming to meet me at the front door.

"Omo! My Park Chaeyoung I've missed you so much!" And for the first time in the longest time, I embraced Soo-young's parents again. Aunt Seoyeon and Uncle Minjun. They all greeted me with joyful faces and we hugged tighter than ever.

"Look at you! You even grew prettier in a year!" Uncle Minjun teased in Korean. Aunt Seoyeon was about to tear up when she held me into her arms again. I also felt emotional. You know how much of a crybaby I am.

They never changed. I thought as Aunt Seoyeon was holding my hand when we were on our way to the dining room to eat. The dining room was obviously newly furnished, it was squeaky white which accentuates the dark square table in the middle of the room as pot flowers hang on the brazen white walls of each corner, the ceiling was high which made the room look bigger. I naturally liked it but it can never compare to their dining room back in Melbourne which held back a lot of memories. It was more meaningful to me.

We settled in the square table as dinner was being served. Their house was a bit smaller than they had in Melbourne, but it still gave me the cozy and warm feeling. It still feels so comfortable to be around them. Just like before.

...

Gladly half an hour passed by with no drama involved, surprisingly Soo-young was very cooperative in a sense that she always nods at my white lie statements. Honestly we're not half-way done with our conversation, but the dessert was already served meaning the dinner was about to end.

We were talking about the times when Sooyoung and I almost burned the house while we were cooking turkey for family thanksgiving, since her family and mine decided to celebrate together.

"How unmindful both of you were, you forgot to pull out a turkey on an oven just because you were busy watching a movie! Who does that?!" Uncle Minjin cackled again. Soo-young and I shared sly looks at each other, knowing that it wasn't the reason why we forgot to turn off the oven.

They settled their laughs and the atmosphere became clear and tame, but all the more awkward. I suddenly didn't knew what to do so I drank a glass of wine just because it was an unsettling situation. Family dinners are so weird, one minute you crack your jaw laughing and the next you just find yourself drowning in awkwardness due to the profound atmosphere. I thought.

Aunt Seoyeon, suddenly grabbed my hand across the table, "I'm really glad you've come to see us again, dear. We haven't had a good time like this ever since..." Her words faded as she removed her eyes from me as it transferred to Soo-young's.

"Ever since I came out." Soo-young instantly continued. Did I heard her right? She came out already? Wow. 

"Stop it Soo-young." The tone of Uncle's mild blue voice changed into a black and daunting color. I just saw the couple lowered their heads, as if it was a shameful thing to say. The atmosphere quickly deepened, it was suffocating, like there was no free air to breathe.

I suddenly had no idea of what to utter, I was baffled by everyone's sudden change of mood. "What? You still don't want to tell anyone I'm gay?" Soo-young sharply said in a defensive tone, in her words I found her struggle. "Not everyone needs to know." Her mom rebutted with firmness. I gulped as my hands started to feel cold.

"Rosé's not everyone. Besides..." Soo-young suddenly looked at me, I just felt the burning sensation under my skin, I knew she's been planning to do this. "Rosé's one too." The words of revelation made aunt and uncle dumbstruck as both of them looked at me.

"What?" Aunt's hands were no longer in mine, as I felt a wall being built between us. I tried to stay silent but I knew they wanted an answer. Goddamn, I really have to do this.

"I..." I hesitated, "Soo-young and I dated once." I confessed. I hate Soo-young for makingthis as an impromptu confession. Ugh,She seriously just made me confess that. I cussed in my mind.

"We loved each other." I said with a final note, I almost puked at the words, it was just a remorseful reminder that I didn't want to go back to. It was my turn to tilt my held down out of nervousness as both of them sighed in disbelief, "I can't believe I'm hearing this." Aunt Seoyeon uttered.

"I'm sorry if we haven't told you anything about it-" I wasn't able to finish because Soo-young interrupted, "It was my decision. I wanted it to be a secret."

"But how could you..." Aunt Seoyeon swiveled her head to look at us simultaneously. "How could you do this behind our backs?" she then continued. "We were young, and we were both scared." Soo-young declared, but her words were foreign to my memories so I had to object, "You were scared. Not me."

Our eyes met in blazing fury, this tension between us have never left. We were about to drop a bombshell.

"It wasn't for the best back then. I needed to protect you." She tried convincing me. I rolled my eyes, "From what I remember, you were trying to protect yourself."

"I wasn't, I loved you, Chaeng. But it was too much." Her tone suddenly changed into a lighter shade of color. I felt so overwhelmed, "Ugh-I can't do this! I'm sorry, I have to go." I quickly dragged myself up and walked away immediately, I don't want them to hear me in outrage.

I was already out in the front door, and it surprised me that it was raining outside. Suddenly I felt Soo-young's presence following me, "Where are you going?"

"Home." I cheaply replied while I my back still turned against hers. "What did I do?" she asked.

"Nothing. I just want to be out of here." I honestly spoke, still my face was not facing hers. But she didn't reply, the pouring of the rain was shadowed by her silence. It was confusing me.

Not until I felt a hand traveling it's way around my waist, and a body enclosing with my back. She embraced me.

"Chae-young, I want you back." She whispered gently. You know what's weird about this? I should shiver under her touch like what I used to feel, my heart should be throbbing hard right now, but it wasn't doing that. It was platonic, an ever fading moment.

"Let me love you for the last time." She continued whispering, I lowered down my head. As I was trying to compose the right words to say, "I don't love you anymore."

I just felt her loose from her embrace, and I gestured to let go. Now I was facing her, meeting eye to eye, soul to soul.

"How could you be so sure?" She asked in objection. "I can still let you love me." she continued as she held my hand. I faced down to look at our hand contact, but still, nothing. Nothing was burning inside of me, nothing was magical. She is nothing to me now.

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