I can now live without you

I’ll try even though it still hurts

Do you make noise because you want someone to hear it? Do you do it because it relieves the pain, the sadness that comes with it, the loneliness that engulfs you so suddenly? Because when you make noise you just know that somebody would hear it, that somebody would care, that somebody would ask if you’re fine, if you’re okay, if you need someone to talk to, someone to hug you, someone to stay with you.

Why do we really make noise when we’re lonely? Why do we do it even though we say we’re okay even though we’ve delusioned ourselves to think that being alone is just fine? Is it because no matter how many times we say we need to be alone, our minds and hearts scream a hundred times louder that we actually do need someone, that we actually need someone to just be there, to stay, to make you feel good, to make you feel better, to make you feel loved?

Why the do we feel lonely? Why are we so complicated, why do we have to feel emotions that will bring our chest into tight knots, that will make our stomach drop, emotions that s us up for days, that will leave us feeling more ty than we have ever felt before? Why do we cry? Is it because the pain is too unbearable, is is because with the salty tears comes the feeling of relieved after hours and hours of crying, of sobbing, of yelling, of screaming, of praying, of wishing that the feeling goes away, of hoping that everything would be fine in the end, of wanting to believe that it will be?

“Why do we believe that someday we’ll be fine?” She asked the stars, staring at the brightest one that shined so beautifully that night, that twinkled ever-so brightly, that boasted its prettiness to the world, that failed to answer her. Because it’s lonely too, because it doesn’t know why, because it’s finding its own answers in its own vast universe, because the reason it’s there in the first place is because it bursted into a million more stars that couldn’t take the heat anymore, a star that was a result of different things coming together that later exploded in the reason that it just did. It did because it couldn’t take it anymore. So how can a star answer when it needs to find its own answers? How can it answer when it doesn’t know why it exploded, it doesn’t know why it did what it did, it doesn’t know why it felt what it felt, it doesn’t know why it couldn’t endure it, it doesn’t know why it didn’t try hard enough.

“Kim Jisoo,” maybe it was the softness of the voice that made her turn her head, or the fact that somebody saw her internally struggling with herself, or the fact that the person could literally see through her, see through the lies she build up herself and the fineness of it all which she delusioned - tried to - herself and the people around her to believe in. It was stupid of her to believe that she’ll fool everyone into thinking, after all this time, that she’s completely over it, that she’s completely fine, when in actuality, she wasn’t. Not even close.

So she turned to the source of the voice, a small smile plastered on her face. It wasn't forced, no it wasn’t. Because the very said person which called out her name is the very same person that managed to stay with her, and she is more than thankful. “Park Jinyoung,” she called out, acknowledging him as he did to her during the time nobody else did. “Welcome back to my world of hell.” She joked, ushering him over.

Park Jinyoung couldn’t help but chuckle, walking over to the said latter with a smile on his face. “My pleasure.” He laughed, standing beside Kim Jisoo whose eyes landed right back on the stars, staring at them with her eyes admiring it, as her hair danced along with the wind that night, as her emotions spilled for Park Jinyoung to see, “How are you holding up?” He asked, leaning his arms against the rail of the balcony where the both of them stood, looking out at the city.

Kim Jisoo thought about it, wondering, just like Jinyoung, how the hell she’s holding up. She doesn’t have an answer herself, she doesn’t have any answers at all actually. The only way she could stray away from the reality of not being able to move on is through the constant deadlines she has to meet, the constant writing and producing, the constant recording. These things to her are like the things that saved her from going into complete depression, into complete abyss of nothing, of darkness that continued to threaten her, to engulf her during times where she feels absolute loneliness. So maybe she’s barely holding up, because she needs constant things to help her cope with the unbearable emotions that continually swallows her up from time to time.

However, this party is yet another reminder that she can never really fully move on. Because as much as she came here wanting to have fun, to celebrate the success of her music killing the charts, and finally being able to leave the comfort of both her home and studio without the help of Kim Jennie dragging her outside; fate once again told her NO and decided to make her life harder than it already is. Because as she happily walked in, hand-in-hand with Kim Jennie inside the raging party that is for her and the group she gave her song to, fate came slapping her across the face as she came face to face with Oh Sehun himself, right across the crowded club with Bae Irene right beside him surrounded by their group of friends, seeing his face again after a year of not seeing him, of avoiding him, of trying to forget about him.

If you could have felt her heart at that very moment, if you could have heard how it stopped for a second, how she swore she felt her stomach drop and her world spinning around her; you would have thought she wouldn’t have held herself together. But she did, only because Kim Jennie was there, and also because the room is filled with everybody that supported her, that looked up to her. So if they weren’t there, Kim Jisoo would have been gone and out of that place in a flash.

I mean, it’s her fault - as always - because she should have known that he’d be here, along with her too. Because it’s how the industry works, everybody knows everybody, even models. So she shouldn’t be surprised that Oh Sehun is here, because she have heard countless times how the people she works with have close relationships with models; and it’s crazy and weird for her that they do. But it still comes as a surprise and now she wishes she hadn’t came like the rest of the parties she opted out of in the past. But she didn’t want to be a about it, because she knows how they all worked hard for this day to come, and the fact that it’s Park Jinyoung’s group she gave her song to, she can’t possibly ditch and leave the guy sulking for days.

So she continued walking, quickly diverting her gaze back to Jennie who gave her a reassuring smile, tightening her hold on Kim Jisoo as if she was going to leave - which she was close to doing, as if someone was going to snatch her away. And the second that Hoon - now a DJ himself - saw the protagonist of the night walking across the room with Kim Jennie, his loudass lowered the volume to the song that was currently playing and grabbed the microphone, yelling into it that the Queen herself has arrived.

In any other given situations, Kim Jisoo wouldn’t have minded it, but that fact that she’s in full caution mode after seeing him here, Kim Jisoo never felt the urge to jump someone until now. So with Hoon’s announcement and a sudden spotlight shining down on her, everybody suddenly turned to her, and with the music still low and Hoon “whooping” into the microphone, Kim Jisoo wished the ground swallowed her up instead. But before that could even happen - not like it will anyways - a series of people flocked their way to her, giving their genuine “Congratulations” and “I’m proud of you” and Kim Jisoo had no choice but to flash them a smile and her series of “Thank You’s.”

While she was left to do that, Kim Jennie’s sudden curse didn’t pass her ears and her slowly dragging Jisoo away didn’t go unnoticed by the said latter. But even before she could ask her what’s wrong, she caught a figure walking her way and when the spotlight finally decided to dim itself, she caught a good look at who it was and when she did, Kim Jisoo was about to bolt it. But as she was about to, Lalisa suddenly appeared and Park Chaeyoung suddenly stood right in front of her. All three quickly dragged her away, playing it off as if they were just too excited to finally see her at the party and then quickly shoving her in the V.I.P area where the rest of their friends, producers and company people stood; all of them engulfing her in a group hug that made Kim Jisoo smile widely.

And now here she is, standing in the balcony, looking up at the stars, getting away from the loud music and her crazy friends inside. At least it was a little better, at least she wouldn’t “accidentally” catch a glimpse of him, at least she’s alone in her thoughts and is left to ponder at the things that have been bothering her. But of of course, Park Jinyoung just had to appear; the protagonist of the night along with her and s. She wouldn’t have cared if he appeared, but it just has to be tonight. And like what he is good at, Park Jinyoung always appears even though Kim Jisoo doesn’t tell or ask him to, because he just knows when to and he just feels it. So him suddenly appearing beside Kim Jisoo tonight when she knows his too busy to even party; she isn’t even surprised. Because he’s always there.

So she could only shrug at his question, no answers coming out of her, none existing anyways. “I don’t know, how do I look like I’m holding up?” She glanced at him, seeing how his eyes never left her, the one thing she hated the most about Park Jinyoung. Because those damn eyes always see through her, always knows how the she’s feeling even though she, herself, doesn’t know. Because those eyes never judged her, never pitied her like the eyes of the rest who always looked at her as if she was played, as if she didn’t know she was played when all along she knew, and she let it happen. Because she wanted to be selfish for once, to have something - or rather someone - she loves. But look where that lead her to, misery and a lot of crying.

“Honestly?” Jinyoung started, asking her for permission if he could be honest to her, if he can really say what he thinks how she’s doing, how she looks like in his eyes. So as she nodded for him to continue, Park Jinyoung didn’t hold back, because Kim Jisoo needs to know, and he’s not about to lie to her like how the rest did. “Honestly you look as if you haven’t slept for days, like something’s been keeping you awake and you hate how it’s controlling you. You hate how you have no control over it, how it’s slowly creeping in your everyday life and you just can’t wait until you find something that will counter it, that will stop it from bothering you,” he paused, moving his gaze to the stars, staring at it the way Kim Jisoo stared at it, the way she kept her gaze to it. “But you don’t have a choice, because it wouldn’t leave until you do something about it, until you act on it, until you face it and stop running away from it. Because that’s the only way it will really leave you, the only way it would stop controlling you. So stop running away Jisoo,” he said, more like told her actually, with a lot of finality in his voice as if he’s the one that needs to act on it, as if he’s the one that suddenly realized what he needed to do. “It will only continue to chase after you if you don’t stop running from it. That’s just life.”

Kim Jisoo stiffened on her spot, hearing what Jinyoung had said. She never really intended to run away in the first place, not literally run away, but more like avoiding. She thought it was only right to do so, so that she’ll be able to at least forget about him, the thoughts and the memories of him, the what ifs and the what could have been. But she wasn’t able to, which further proves just how attached she’s become, just how much of her heart was given out to someone who never felt the same way she did. for her really, it’s her fault that she couldn’t stay away from him, her fault that she couldn’t contain her feelings that ate her up to the point that it broke her. What a ing mess. She shouldn’t have acted on her feelings, shouldn’t have followed it, shouldn’t have thought - even for a second - that she’d succeed in wooing Oh Sehun, which - obviously - led to complete failure and a lot of misunderstandings and complications that still hung in the air until this day. And Kim Jisoo wishes she could fix it, but as Jinyoung said, she should stop running away from it first.

But what could she do? She didn’t have a choice, she’d rather disappear quietly and let them live happily rather than to disrupt their so-called happy relationship and constantly appear when all of them - especially her - aren’t ready, yet.

“That’s why Cinderella has her knight in shining armour in the first place Park Jinyoung,” she whispered, but loud enough for the latter to hear, loud enough for him to hear the pain and sadness which still existed in her. “So he could help her, save her from all the ed up emotions she’s feeling, from all the pain and the memories which comes with it. How else do you think Cinderella survived the rest of her life after escaping from all the bad and depressing memories that is symbolized by her evil stepmother and sisters?” Kim Jisoo gazed at Jinyoung, whose eyes now went back to hers, a small smile on his face as a memory lit in his head, as this situation, this night, suddenly led him back to a similar situation with the very same woman which stood right beside him. “Didn’t you say you’d be that knight and shining armour for me that Cinderella never had, because she ended up with a mere prince charming that never really knew anything about her either than the size of her feet? So why aren’t you doing your duty Park Jinyoung, when you very well know just how Kim Jisoo is struggling to get back on her feet?” She joked, poking him on the arm while lightly pushing him, earning a low chuckle from Jinyoung himself.

THAT NIGHT
SEVEN YEARS AGO
Meeting the knight in shining armour

Taking Kim Jennie’s hand never felt so safe, never felt so right. And as cheesy as it may sound, Kim Jisoo feels that she finally found someone she could trust with her life, her secrets, her problems, her worries, everything that’s bothering her and everything that will bother her in the future. So there wasn’t any feeling of regret, none of it. The only thing she felt now was the feeling of getting betrayed, but why does it feel so light, why does it feel like she didn’t just see her two best friends going behind her back? Maybe because of Kim Jennie, maybe because it’s how Kim Jennie made her feel, made her felt at the moment she saw her trust crumble to the floor after building it up for years. Maybe it’s because Kim Jennie completely understood her, completely sees through her and immediately knows how she’s feeling, or maybe the mere fact that there’s just an instant connection, an instant feeling that Kim Jennie will forever be there, will never betray her, will forever stay with her, to listen to every problem she has.

“Why hadn’t I found you sooner?” Kim Jisoo suddenly blurts out as Jennie drags her into her house, the music constantly getting louder as they got closer, but what Kim Jisoo just said didn’t go past Kim Jennie’s ears.

So Jennie laughed at this, turning her head to face Jisoo who let her drag her into her house, the latters face filled with emotions, but one stood out the most for Kim Jennie; happiness. She wonders how the hell she could see through her, how she resembles an open book in her eyes when everybody else that she’s been friends with longer than Kim Jisoo has never felt that way, never so easy for her to decipher. Maybe it was fate telling her that she’s found someone she’d treat as a sister she’d always want to protect, a sister she’d never had, a sister she’d be with for years to come. “I don’t know? Because Oh Sehun and Bae Irene, without you realizing, have held you back from seeing the rest of the world? Held you back from seeing that there are more people outside of your little circle that would actually care for you, love you, protect you and be honest with you more than they’ll ever achieve in there lifetime?” Kim Jennie said, half joking half serious. “No offense though,” she held up a hand, smirking a little.

Kim Jisoo could only chuckle, agreeing in her head, not wanting to admit it out loud because as much as she feels hurt and a lot of pain right now from just seeing her two best friends going behind her back, she doesn’t have the heart to talk about them, and that’s one of the things she hates about herself. Not being able to hate people, because she’s the one that feels guilty in the end.

“Ayyy Jwennie,” A loud voice suddenly interrupted Jisoo out of her thoughts. Notice how when she’s with Jennie, something or someone always finds a way of breaking her out of her depressing thoughts, how with Jennie, she finds herself forgetting about ty things.

“Urg,” she heard the latter groan beside her, both of them finally inside Jennie’s house, the music so loud Jisoo swears she feels her eardrums shaking. “Ignore whatever this man says to you Jisoo, he’s a little crazy in the head.” She yelled in the latter’s ear over the music, pointing at the guy who goofily stood in front of them, a wide smile plastered on his face. “What is it Hoon?!” Jennie once again yelled, now facing the so-called “crazy in the head” guy named Hoon.

Hoon laughed, I don’t know, he just did. Pretty sure at this point you’ve already realized that he’s drunk, or maybe a little tipsy. “SOMEONE PEED IN YOUR POOL!!” He exclaimed, his right hand pointing outside the backyard where the supposed pool is, a crazy laugh suddenly leaving his mouth after he had said that.

Kim Jennie who’s already annoyed at Hoon’s annoying , got even more riled up at this information. Letting out a loud groan. She once again dragged Jisoo out of the house and into the backyard, her feet loudly stomping on the ground in the process. “You have got to be kidding me!” She exclaimed, pushing anyone that was on her way.

Kim Jisoo didn’t know why, but she suddenly had the urge to laugh, finding all of this amusing. As ty as she feels right now and as hurt as she is, she still can’t hide that fact that Jennie somehow makes her feel a little better even without trying. And seeing the people in this party and having to look around for a little bit, she realized that the people here aren’t like the people she hung out with with Oh Sehun and Bae Irene, how the people here looked like they knew their limits and how not to overstep it. Well, at least for everyone except for the one who supposedly peed in Kim Jennie’s pool.

“WHO THE DID IT?!” Jennie yelled after slamming the backyard door open, scaring the out of everyone who is currently out there drinking and talking. “Who the peed in my damn pool you little s?!” She continued, glaring at every single person currently in the backyard, none of them escaping her death glare.

“IT WAS JOHNNY!”

“I DID NOT!”

“I GOT A VIDEO OF IT!”

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