November, 15. 2012

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day at JYP entertainment. It was… hard.

I don’t know anyone and although there are two other Chinese trainees, I haven’t gotten the chance to meet them yet. It’s frustrating, not knowing Korean, hopefully I can master it as quickly as possible. I miss my mom, my dad and my brother, and of course, I miss Gucci too.

It wasn’t all that bad though. When I first arrived, one of the trainers introduced me to this girl my age and she showed me around the building. We spoke in broken english, she didn’t really look like what I imagined a Korean trainee would look, but she was very cute. I didn’t quite get her name, she probably mentioned it at some point but I might’ve just confused it for a Korean word.

She seemed very interesting, she seemed very curious about me, sadly we weren’t able to communicate properly. Something tells me this is gonna be harder than I initially thought it’d be. Oh well! Fighting!

December, 11. 2014

Dear Diary,

My two year anniversary is very close and things are already starting to get hard. A survival show? Chaeryeong told me they scraped down the 6-mix project as a whole and since they still had to debut a girl group, all three girls’ teams are getting a chance to be in the group. I heard one of the older trainees, Yoo Jeongyeon left the company too. I can’t believe Park Jisoo hasn’t given up yet, i admire her dedication.

In a sense, it feels like this is just a show to promote the debuting team, I don’t know if I should agree to do it or not. We were given the news this morning and I have yet to talk it over with my parents. Kim Dahyun signed almost instantly. Not surprised. It’s obvious she’s the member of the kids’ team who’s most likely to make it. Apparently, even the Japanese trainees will be given a chance! There’s only three of them left so maybe that’s why they’re being included too. I kind of feel bad for Minatozaki Sana, she was moved to the 6-mix team to debut last minute and now… its sad.

Chaeyoung and Somi seem excited enough, I talked to Chaeyoung about it…sort of and she said she was looking forward to it. She’s been sort of y to me lately, it makes me sad. I’m pretty sure both of them are definitely debuting in the new group as well. Park Jinyoung-PD said that it’d be a 7 membered group so I think the members debuting are: Park Jisoo (of course), Dahyun, Somi, Chaeyoung, Im Nayeon (the oldest trainee now that Lena left), Minatozaki Sana and that really good dancer in the Japanese team, I don’t know her name but I saw her performance in the past showcase and wow! she really is JYP’s diamond in the rough. As for Minyoung, I don’t see JYP-pd adding her to the group if he’s given then chance not to, he doesn’t seem to like her very much.

I don’t think I’ll make the line-up, my Korean as well as my singing and dancing are lacking, but maybe it’ll help me get my name out there. I’ll see what my parents have to say about it.

February, 02. 2015

Dear Diary,

The recording for sixteen began a few days ago and it’s been chaotic, I’ve barely had any time to write down my thoughts. We learnt a choreography for a Beyonce song I had never heard before and started recording the teasers. Good news, apparently Yoo Jeongyeon came back (?), seems like the other ex 6-Mix trainees managed to convince her, I heard Im Nayeon and Park Jihyo discussing it a few days ago. Speaking of, it was Jihyo’s birthday yesterday, we ate cake and I congratulated her. It was a very awkward situation, Jihyo is very intimidating since she’s been a trainee for so long but I really admire her, I’m sure she’ll be the show’s ‘ace’. I’m still not used to calling her Jihyo but I feel like it fits her and I’ll get used to it eventually…I wonder why she changed her name, though. Especially cause it’s not a stage name, she legally changed her name! There must be some huge reason for it!

Chaeyoung, Dahyun and Somi have become really clique-y lately, they know they’re probably gonna debut and it’s starting to get to them. Dahyun already had some articles released about her and the teasers haven’t even come out yet. It’s frustrating. In a way, I wish a was part of their group too, Natty and Chaeyeon are nice but it’s sort of embarrassing to be hanging out with people years younger, at least Somi seems pretty mature for her age. If only I was better at Korean… maybe if that were the case we’d be closer.

I’m excited for sixteen, I’m sure it’ll be a learning experience at least, although my expectations aren’t very high.

May 9, 2015

Dear Diary,

the past four days have been crazy! We just finished recording the judging for the photoshoot challenge, I did very well and was even promoted to major. I’m very proud! it sounds weird to say it, but I’ve been gaining some recognition lately. We watched the episode and I was saddened to realize I had barely gotten any screen time, they didn’t even show my performance! It’s clear to everyone with two eyes JYP-PD isn’t planning on debuting me this time around…

My parents were saddened too and called me to tell me I was doing just fine, that i’d get acknowledged somehow… and somehow I did cause today I woke up to a bunch of articles about me, Jeongyeon woke me up to show them to me. I was very surprised, they were all talking about my beauty. I guess it’s positive that I’m gaining popularity but I wish it had been for my skills or my charisma, being known for my beauty seems so shallow.

It’s definitely not that I’m ungrateful, far from it. I just don’t get it, I do get told I’m pretty often, but I just felt like it was something people say, you know. It also makes me feel self conscious, like I have to look pretty at all times cause it’s what I’m going to be known for(?). I don’t know, it’s the first episode though, I shouldn’t be getting ahead of myself.

Chaeyeon got eliminated by the way, I couldn’t get myself to cry but I really was saddened by it, Chaeryeong seemed especially broken. I hope she feels better.

July 7, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today was a very bittersweet day for me. I made the group, but as a “viewer’s pick”. I know I should be grateful I at least made the group but how can I be grateful when Park Jinyoung just said on national television that if it were up to him, I wouldn’t be debuting with Twice. I’m heart-broken. Everyone was hugging and crying tears of joy, meanwhile Natty and Chaeryeoung (my only friends left) got eliminated as well. Speaking of friends, you should’ve seen the look on Chaeyoung’s face when I got added back, she was so bitter about me making the group while Somi didn’t, she loudly joked to Somi after the show that the only reason why I had made the group was because I was pretty, that at least she had talent. I almost cried, I can’t understand why Chaeyoung is being so mean to me, I can’t believe I once thought we could be friends. I hate her!

My parents came to Korea and we went out for a meal to celebrate. They don’t know what is happening behind the scenes. Although I do feel the need to vent, I don’t want to worry them, that’s what this diary is for.

September 20, 2015

Dear Diary,

In just 30 days, I’ll be making me official debut. We’ve already recorded the title track and today we finally got taught the choreography. I got one of the point moves of the song, it’s a very elegant part, the other members said it fits me well. Things are cooling down with Chaeyoung but it isn’t necessarily good either, I don’t think we’ll ever get to be close friends.

We were taken to this summer house for a week to bond before moving to our dorms and get to know each other but it’s pretty clear how the cliques here work, there’s Nayeon, Jeongyeon and Jihyo as the ultimate authorities, we voted Jihyo as our leader, I think she’ll do a great job; Then there’s the Japanese members that mostly only speak in Japanese amongst themselves, which makes Nayeon very mad by the way(it’s funny) and Dahyun, Chaeyoung and me, we don’t necessarily get along —not me and Chaeyoung, that is— but that’s how we’re assembled, I guess.

I really like Jihyo, I feel like she’s really making an effort to get close to me, she’ll be an amazing leader once we debut, I can feel it.

October 20, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today our debut song was released and needless to say, it has been an intense day. We did our debut showcase and I absolutely choked up while performing our ballad, Like a Fool. It was so embarrassing, but honestly we were all so nervous, I just hope our fans bury that performance deep where no one else can find it.

‘fans’… it feels so weird so say that I have fans, just to think that I’m part of one of the Big3’s newly debuted girl group… wow!

Today, Chaeyoung hugged me and passed me a water bottle during the showcase! we talked about it two weeks ago, she told me that we had to put our differences aside (as if I ever had anything against her in the first place) so it wouldn’t cause our group any problems. Showing skinship with someone who openly doesn’t like you feels so weird but in a way, I get to forget that its fake when I’m working. When we’re out in public, Chaeyoung and I are close same-aged friends. Even if she ignores me at the dorm, I can pretend this delusion is real even if its just for a few hours. I don’t understand why I’m still so obsessed with becoming closer to her, it’s been almost three years but I still can’t let go of those first few months when we seemed to have become closer, as close as two people who can’t properly communicate can be, of course. I still wonder if all of this is my fault.

December 11, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today I took things to another level. So I was at our fanmeet and we were supposed to help a fan out with his relationship problems and I was supposed to pick a member to act it out with. I chose Chaeyoung and all of the other girls started questioning why I had chosen her. I said that it was because I liked Chaeyoung but it came out wrong, it sounded as if I said I “liked” Chaeyoung, as in liked-liked. Chaeyoung was just as flustered but i just had to roll with it. I pretended to be her boyfriend and had to pull her in for a “kiss”. I did so by channeling my inner-Jeongyeon, but it all backfired when I had to fake kiss her and (as part of the act) Chaeyoung pulled me closer and I accidentally pecked her too close to the lips. Only the other members saw and kept on acting dramatic and pretending it was just an act but Chaeyoung was blushing.

After the fanmeet, there was this weird tension. She went to sleep before Dahyun had even finished showering! no one said anything about it but I think I did something wrong since she’s avoiding my gaze. I’m so confused again! We were finally getting along well, and now this happened.

Hopefully next time I write here, Chaeyoung will stop being a weirdo. by the way, I’ve been getting a lot of CF deals in China lately, I’m happy since it means exposure for Twice but I’m not very fond of the Chinese, for um… Nationalistic issues.

January 14, 2016

Dear Diary,

Oh god, I don’t know what I was thinking. I really messed up big time without realizing it! A petition to remove me from Twice, all for a freaking flag?! It’s getting pretty bad in the comments and we were blocked from performing in all of the mayor Chinese networks. All because of me! I feel soooooo guilty even though it was the show that gave me the flag.

Will this be the end of Twice? is this really the end of our short lived career? we haven’t even gotten our first #1 yet, Like Ooh Ahh is finally doing better on the charts and this might potentially ruin it, all because of me! I can’t cry, though, it’s not fair for the other girls. The other girls! I can’t even look them in the eye, they must all hate me.

Chaeyoung approached me a while ago, but I pretended to be asleep, I knew what she was gonna say, Chaeyoung doesn’t hold back. I was too scared to face her and now I can’t even leave my room, thankfully, I’ve been removed from schedules until ISAC recordings next week. Hope things have calmed down by then.

January 16, 2016

Dear Diary,

Today was the worst day of my life, I’m so heartbroken things had to reach this point. I had to record an apology video, it was embarrassing. It hurt my pride so much to say the things I had written down to say. I wasn’t forced to do it though, I told my manager I wanted to since people were starting to boycott the company. This would’ve been really bad for everyone, I had to do something even if it meant doing something humiliating. My members found out once the video had been posted, I didn’t tell them in fear they’d go against my wishes. I hope my parents and my friends over at Taiwan forgive me for the stuff I said in that video, sometimes saying stuff you don’t mean is the only way to fix things for everyone.

Nayeon ran to hug me the second I entered the dorm, she gave me a kiss in the forehead and told me she was sorry that I had to go through this alone. Then came Jeongyeon who bit her lip apologetically and hugged me as well. Jihyo started to cry, she said she felt guilty but I don’t know why she’d feel guilty, she didn’t do anything. I held her hand and showed her a smile so she’d stop crying, it pained me to see her cry. Momo latched on to me but didn’t say anything, she’s never been a person of words I guess, and Mina and Sana both had tears streaming down their faces as they assured to me everything was gonna be okay. Dahyun was the last person to approach me, she gave me a sympathetic smile and patted my back, it’s not that she was apathetic, far from it, but Dahyun wasn’t that comfortable showing emotions with us yet.

Chaeyoung never came, she watched it all happen from the kitchen as she drank milk straight from the carton and stared at me with an expression I couldn’t make out. I wonder if she blames me, all of the other girls only acted worried for my sake but of course this affects the group as well! A large percentage of our income was coming from China, we even lost sponsors! I can understand why she’d fe

“Tzuyu?”

Tzuyu let go of her pen mid-sentence, slightly annoyed. She wanted to be left alone at least until she was able to finish her entry but the second she saw who was calling, she lost her ability to talk.

“Can I come in?” Chaeyoung asked awkwardly and Tzuyu just nodded.

The shorter girl waddled towards the youngest’s bed and sat down, not losing eye contact with her. Tzuyu felt tempted to get up and leave but Chaeyoung had even asked for permission to enter her own room and was willingly approaching her so she couldn’t possibly say no to her, not when she was being this nice.

“What do you have there?” Chaeyoung said pointing at Tzuyu’s small black notebook. “a diary?”

There was a pregnant pause before a small chuckle filled Tzuyu’s nervous ears.

“Just kidding”

Tzuyu gave her a weak smile.

“Sorry” Chaeyoung bit her lip, “Tried, and failed, to lighten the mood. Um, Tzuyu…”

Chaeyoung shook her head, probably trying to organize her thoughts.

“ah! this is hard! Jihyo said I needed to talk to you and—“ Chaeyoung stopped, “maybe I shouldn’t have said that”

Of course this was all Jihyo’s doing, there’s no way Chaeyoung would’ve willingly approached Tzuyu.

“BUTTHATSNOTTHEONLYREASONWHYI’MHERE!” Chaeyoung cried, waving her hands in front of an already depressed Tzuyu.

“I’m— I’m sorry, let me just… g-give me a second” Chaeyoung sighed. “okay! I just wanted to um, ask you if you were fine. Wait, no! of course you’re not fine! I mean, if you’re feeling better… but maybe I’m interrupting that process, you wanted to be alone, right? and here I am interrupting you! ah! I’m not helping aren’t I? but still I wanted to talk to you because—”

Chaeyoung stopped talking because Tzuyu had abruptly embraced her in a hug.

“Please stop talking” Tzuyu deadpanned.

“o…okay” Chaeyoung nodded and hugged back.

It was weird, Tzuyu didn’t know why she had done that but she had suddenly felt an urge to hug her. It was comfortable, in a strange way she couldn’t describe, she could feel Chaeyoung’s chest rising and falling.

“I’m sorry” Chaeyoung said suddenly.

Tzuyu broke away from the hug.

“What for?” Tzuyu asked. She listed down everything Chaeyoung could apologize for in her head. ‘treating me badly, making fun of me, singling me out, acting weird around me for no reason at all’ the list could go on forever.

Chaeyoung bit her lip, and leaned in dangerously close to Tzuyu’s face. She gulped hard, eyes focused on her lips, her dry lips that had been chewed on for the past two days. Tzuyu self-consciously her lips.

“ah, I’m weak” Chaeyoung whispered before closing the gap between them. It took Tzuyu a few seconds to react and kiss back, although with uncertainty.

The kiss was short, couldn’t have lasted more than 10 seconds but Tzuyu was left breathless after Chaeyoung pulled away suddenly.

“That was weird wasn’t it?” Chaeyoung titled her head to a side. “yeah, I shouldn’t have done that”

Chaeyoung stood up, and walked away.

“Wait!” Chaeyoung stopped and turned around, “it wasn’t weird…thank you, actually”

Chaeyoung stared at Tzuyu with a confused expression on her face.

“I-I feel a lot better now, if this was your way of helping me forget things! you didn’t have to go that far, by the way, but I appreciate it!”

Tzuyu got up and gave Chaeyoung a quick hug.

“Let’s be friends from now on!” Tzuyu said with a toothy grin. The thought of being friends with Chaeyoung excited her and she was feeling brave at that moment.

Chaeyoung’s eyes changed for a second, showing a hint of sadness, before going back to their usual cheerful state.

“Yes, Tzuyu lets be friends”

February 14, 2017

Dear diary,

Today is valentine’s day and Chaeyoung wrote me a letter and gave me chocolates. She didn’t give the other girls chocolates, not even Dahyun! She gave me a kiss in the cheek which made me happy and in the letter, she told me she loved me. I love her too! she’s so nice! I can’t believe she used to be so mean to me a few years back, I wonder if she'll ever tell me why...

a/n:

ah! this was angstier than expected, wow! it was supposed to be fluffy, damn it! Which one shot am I writing next? was it the saida one....? I should write the 2na continuation since people seem to be looking forward to it....never in a thousand years would I have thought this fandom would get excited over 2na, i'm so proud. Idk if its noticeable but they're my main twice otp lmao, we're a tiny fandom, I hope my one-shot helped people get into 2na.