remember when i was 5 and you were 10?
and i told you i like you. and you said "i like you too"

remember when i was 9 and you were 14?
i told you "i love you" but you laughed it off and said, "okay child."
and everyday from that day onwards, whenever i see you, i would make sure to tell you that.

remember when i was 15 and you were 20?
we were sitting on the balcony of your apartment, listening to music that was playing on the radio and talking about random topics as usual, me staring at you while you stare into the beautiful night sky.
"what?" you raised a brow and peek a glance at me, "enjoying my view" i grinned cheekily. you rolled your eyes and flicked my forehead gently, "gross"
i laughed and turned my eyes towards the night sky like you did, i let my leg hang off the edge while i lean my body comfortably against the pole. the night sky was a shade of purple and green, filled with uncountable stars, it looked like a fantasy and i was drawn into it, "it's beautiful tonight" 
you looked over to me and asked, "what is?"
"the sky.." i stare into the sky while reaching my hands out towards it, as if trying to grab it, "i wonder how many stars are there"
"why don't you count them?"
i snorted and then turn my head to face you, "as if i can do that, it's impossible" just like how its impossible to make you take my confessions seriously, i thought.
"if you put your heart into it, i'm sure you can do it one way or another" you ruffled my hair. it made my heart flutter slightly from your touch, i felt a flush coming from my face so i quickly turned my head back to the night view.
"of course you would say that. you are always oh-so-positive." i blurted out.
"oh? so you don't agree with me?" 
"yea, i don't"
"please enlighten me with your view~" you cooed
"theres some things that if you dont give up on, you can do it or overcome it but theres also things that no matter how much heart you put into it, will never work out." after saying that, the song, 'Fight For You' (by Morgan Page) came on and it reminded me of how i feel towards you, it felt bitter.
you saw the look on my face and asked out of concern, "like what?"
i was too into my own thoughts of feels that i didn't hear you
"hello? anybody home?" you waved your hand infront of my face.
i snapped out of my trance and look at you, "what?"
"are you alright? you were very out of it for a moment there.." he placed the back of his hand on my forehead, my heart thumped, "are you not feeling well?"
"i'm fine"
"are you sure?"
"yea- what were you asking?" 
"you were saying how there are things that won't work out no matter how much effort you put into it and i was asking you for a example"
my eyes widened for a moment and my mind went blank for a split second, you were looking at me expectantly and innocently, no idea what's going on in my head at that moment. what was i going to say? i said those with my feelings in mind and there was no way i could confess it all. i kept silent, looking down at my fidgeting hands.
as if you could tell i didn't want to talk about it you smiled and sigh softly, "it's okay, you don't have to say anything you don't want to, sorry for asking."
i felt bad, "i'm sorry.."
"it's fine, its's fine! i was just worried." you smiled gently towards me. thump. if only you knew.
a sound came out of your cellphone, it was a message. you quickly picked it up and read the text you receive, i was looking at you, trying to read your face, worried that it's a girl that you like. you smiled slightly. my heart ached. "who's that? a girlfriend?" i tried to put on a teasing face and nudged you. 
"oh no" you laughed, "its a colleague from work, its nothing" you looked at your phone once more before placing it down. jealousy was building up in me. i was fuming. i know i shouldn't be. it's none of my business but i can't help it. i knew i had to leave if not i might yell at you. 
"oh i see." i said in a annoyed tone, i stood up abruptly and picked up my bag. "i'm going home, i just remembered i have some unfinished business."
"i will send you home" you stood up as well.
"no. it's fine. i'm going to get a cab."
"are you sure?" 
"yes." i affirmed it quickly and turn around to head outside but you just had to mess it up, "no 'i love you' today?" you frowned.
did i just really hear what you said? i was already fuming with jealousy at the moment so i snapped at that instant.
"I love you? you want to hear that? why do you want to hear that? what's the use of saying it when you never ever respond it back to me? do you think all this time i said those 3 words because i'm used to it?" tears was starting to well up in my eyes. "remember when i was 5 and you were 10?
and i told you i like you. and you said "i like you too". remember when i was 9 and you were 14? i told you "i love you" but you laughed it off and said, "okay kiddo."
and everyday from that day onwards, whenever i see you, i would make sure to tell you that. and have you ever thought why is that so? do you think i said it because it's fun? have you ever given it a thought that i was being serious everytime i said..." tears started to fall off my face, "everytime i said.. i love you." my heart hurt so badly to say those 3 words.
you stared at me with wide eyes and mixed emotions, an expression i've never seen from you, your mouth gape slightly but no words were coming out. 
i looked up at you painfully for a moment before leaving. "WAIT!" you shouted but i pretended not to hear you and ran. you chased after me. i ran across the road and you were at the other side of the road, "LISTEN TO ME." you shouted and i frozed, i turned around slightly and looked at you who was standing there panting. "those words. i've always taken it seriously. i've always looked forward to hearing you say that whenever i see you. when i was 10, i started liking you. when i was 14, i wasn't sure if i love you, we were still young back then. i thought it was harmless. but as you got older and i got older, those 3 words started to take effect on me. and before i knew it, i fell in love with you. and up till now whenever you say it, my heart feels light but i can never respond back. you are still young and you can like another guy at any given time. and i'm already at the age where i'm suppose to start being independent. i'm afraid i would just tie you down if i respond my feelings."
"so.. what are you saying? i'm not serious about my feelings towards you? thats why you think i would like another guy?"
"NO! that's not what i'm trying to say!" you paused for a brief moment. 
"i'm trying to say.. i'm a coward and i'm afraid of losing you. i love you." 
i was frozen on spot, i couldn't believe you felt the same way as i did. you took a step forward slowly before crossing the road over towards me but who knew that 3 words will be the first and last time i get to hear it from you.

i sat at your bedside and smiled,
"remember when i was 15 and you were 20? i told you that i love you and you finally took me seriously? it was also the first time you said you love me."

i swept your fringe away from your face, a single tear fell from my left eye,
"won't you wake up and tell me that once more?"

「Do You Remember?」

Written by: Somi

AFF: @nanamikyung