It's the second day of our rest day. 
I slept all day long yesterday together with the remaining members. We're sleep deprived after all. 
Some of them visited their families so we are only a few left in the dorm. 
Seungkwan went to Jeju and Vernon spends time with his sister same with Jihoon and the others. 
I washed up early and find Junhui and minghao with Mingyu, Wonwoo and Soonyoung putting their shoes lining near the door. 
"Where are you going? It's still early. " i yawned. I just woke up and I still feel tired.
"We're going to play outside hyung. Do you want to come? " minghao answered me, still putting on his shoe.. I shrugged. 
"I dont want to go outside. It’s too cold. Just enjoy yourselves and refresh. " i yawned again making my way to grab water. 
Im too tired and lazy to go out. 
They all left. 
I went to sit on the couch and the TV. I switch channels time after time. Moment's later, i got really bored. 
I should have gone with them. I’m hungry. 
Should I take a walk?
I went to my room to grab my jacket when my hands touch a square object inside its pocket. 
Whats this? 
I take it out from my pocket. Oh. It's the CD i got from Jihoon's studio from his drawer. 
It will be fun if Jihoon stayed. We used to make a playlists together when we were still trainees and record stuffs. Ugh, old days. 
I'll just listen to this and sleep. I am suddenly sleepy and I have the room all by myself since all my roommates went home. 
I played the CD and walked to my bed but I got weirded when Jihoon's voice filled the room. 
I thought it's a playlist? Is it not?

"June 13, 20XX, Saturday. 4: 43 PM"
Jihoon said the date. It’s from last year. What's this? 
I got really curious so i increased its volume. No one will hear anyway since they are all out and the door's closed. 
"Hey, it is me, Lee Jihoon. Welcome to your tape. Haha. Kidding. Im not related to Hannah Baker and I am not going to commit suicide if that's what you're thinking. I haven't even watched 13 reasons why nor read it. So what's this? Uhmm I, myself did not really know either. What’s this? What's gotten into me?"
He paused. 
"actually, I made this playlist to say my feelings. Thefeelings that I couldn't say. Things i am keeping. The Jihoon who's not masked by the walls. Things I screamed without sound. I am never good with words nor actions so here it is. I know this sounds crazy but who cares? No one would see this anyway. I'll bury this tape 10 feet below the ground. But yeah, it's all about feelings"
Did I grabbed a wrong CD?
Wait. What? 
"This playlist is the things I wanted to say especially to you. Yes. you, the person I really want to hold but i am scared. I don't have the courage to say. I am thinking that maybe through this i can break free. Even temporarily. Because, this feelings is killing me. It’s ing consuming.I think I'll just explode one day because it's overflowing. It's too deep that i can't breathe. Damn. It's cheesy." Jihoon is confessing? He has feelings for who? 
"I named this playlist ‘the things I'll never say’ and hey, that's the title of the first song. Surprised? It's funny , I know. What am I doing? Yes, im crazy but whatever. No one's gonna know this anyway. And I'll just definitely laugh my off when I listened to this. And Wow. I become so talkative. Hahahaah. Here's the first song, the things I'll never say by Avril Lavigne." 
I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm starin' at my feet
My cheeks are turnin' red
I'm searchin' for the words inside my head
And I'm feelin' nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah

The song is good. Jihoon have always had good taste when it comes to music. 
" You know, I have been trying my best to hide this feelings from you. You see, i'm acting cold and im trying my hardest to not to let you know. I was so nervous every time you are near me. You don't even have a clue. Don't you? Hahaha"
Jihoon laughed. Really. What is this? He is confessing. Who is the you? Is it Soonyoung? 
Why is he crying? Im sure he is crying.

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishin' my life away
With these things I'll never say

"You see, if I could say this words, I'll say i want to be with you but you are always with him. You enjoyed his company. Im boring you while, he make you laugh. If I could say this things, would you be happy? "

It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you?
What's on my mind
If it ain't comin' out
We're not goin' anywhere
So why can't I just
Tell you that I care?
'Cause I'm feelin' nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezin' you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishin' my life away
With these things I'll never say

"Why can't I just tell you these feelings of mine? Well, It's easier said than done. I wanna say it but my tongue won't move it got stuck.it always did when it comes to you. The words in my head wouldn't even come out . I eat my ing words. Every time I open my goddamn mouth to say something, I cant. I am just….. just mesmerized by…. y-..you. Damn you and your face!"

What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slippin' away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothin' to say
'Cause I'm feelin' nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
"I wanna say all of this out loud. I want to tell you, Hey stupid, I like you since the ing beginning. But that’s just stupid. I knew this will not go anywhere. These stupid beats won't go away. I stumble whenever you are there. I feel so stupid. I can't even look at you for ten freaking seconds. You see, you affect me too much. Too much that it just kills me. But i couldn't say anything."
Every words from Jihoon’s penetrated well through me. 
I want to hug him right now.
He can talk to me about his pain, I'll comfort him.
What kind of leader am I? 
I want to wipe his tears. 
I feel so useless. 
"I want to tell you I love you out loud. I want to tell you ‘hey er,you make me go crazy’ But Im scared. If I can say this words would you return my feelings? Would you see me the way I see you? The answer is no. Why am I even asking? It's so obvious. I badly want to be with you and to be close to you but I am ing scared and you ain't got a single hint. And what’s ing , goddamn it! you don't feel the same" His words became so sharp. 
A long silence enveloped me and the player. He talked again. 
"This is just the start. A little part of the things i wished to tell you. I don't have a clue what is this Im doing but I'll allow myself to be true. Cause, right now, I only have this tape and my feelings."
Jihoon paused. He is too serious. Gone is the jokes. 
And i almost fell from my bed when he uttered the next words. 
"I love you Choi Seungcheol but I can't ing say it. Why are so stupid?"

Notes:

Things I'll never say- Avril Lavigne.

Old but really good one.