notes.)

Chapter Text

Hyung, did you arrived safe?

Im patiently waiting for the next track to play with my heart still heavy when my phone beeped. 
It was Mingyu. He texted me.
I wasted no time and hit reply.

Ne. Im busy. Why?

Are you listening to it now?

Yes. How's the kids?

They are watching a horror movie. My ears hurt from their screaming. Don't worry we're fine here. Take your time hyung. Don't cry too much. Goodnight. 
I was about to put the phone away so I could focuse on the track when it beeped again. i have no choice but to open it. 
Oh! And Jihoonnie hyung was looking for you when he arrived. Good luck! Haha. 
I cursed at him. I'm gonna kill this juvenile.

Wait till i get back. You're dead.

Mingyu found something to bully me with. I bet he have had enough of my teasing so he planned to make me pay by using what he knows. 
My perfect plan to murder Mingyu was interrupted when Jihoon's voice get on to the thin air. 
The tension automatically went back to me. 
"Guess who's back? Meee! Welcome to Jihoonie's playlist entitled The Things I'll Never Say. What a day! I keep on breaking my promise not to record crazy things again. Blame Cheol! He should be responsible for all of this. I'm running again to you cause I don't want to trouble him with the nuts he had given me. This tape is my only escape. This tape is the only thing that underdands me. So i won't mind breaking my promise. It's all made to broken anyway. I am warning you now my friend. This next track is going to be really depressing. Look, the next song is not yet presented yet I'm starting to tear up. I'm such a cry baby. Let's get this over and done with. Im already crying. I hate this but as if I have another choice. " He sniffed. 
I felt queasy all of a sudden. 
The nimbus surrounding me felt heavy. 
I sigh. 
I should be ready in whatever i might hear in this track. 
"So, as i have said this part will be so dismal. Another day, another pain. The song I'm going to play is painfully afflicting. My old friend made me listen to the original version of this song which is in japanese. It was beautiful despite the incomprehensive the lyrics. It got me so bad that I searched for the translation. Lucky me. It has an English version and a Korean translation. So I listened. I never thought it will be damn good but it is. Starting from the melody that sounds solemn. Listen well to this song. Here is One Ok Rock's heartache" Jihoon declared. 
My heart started to beat erratically. 
I look at the pictures hanging on my wall. The pictures of my family, friends and seventeen. 
This is a different kind of nervousness.

So they say that time
Takes away the pain
But I’m still the same
And they say that I
Will find another you
That can’t be true

"This track is originally an open letter for Cheol because i don't think I can bear the pain this time if I can not say these things that indefatigably running on my head. Even just to myself, to this tape, i want to be heard. This is so heavy and I need to let out some of this or else I'll sink. Cheol-ah, I thought I'm your best friend? Why can't I feel it? We already fixed things right? We're supposed to be back to were we left at. It has been days and I'm still suffering from the same reason. I thought I was just being childish and jealous. I thought this misery would end soon if I just let the day pass like all of those never happened. But it won't go away. It is more than a grievance. " He started. 
The song indeed sounds depressing. 
He just started yet I can feel tears starting to pool my eyes.

Why didn’t I realize
Why did I tell lies
Yeah I wish that I could do it again
Turnin’ back the time back when you were mine (all mine)

"We're doing okay. I was so happy to see the old Ji and Cheol sprouting again. We hanged out again and do things our way but it lasted for just days. Just days until you and Jeonghan fixed your problem and it was him all over again. It all started when I noticed you laughing your heart out with Jeonghan hyung. I thought it was okay. That Im just jealous it's not me you're laughing with. But then days passed, then months. You hanged out with him often. You are with him 24/7. You grew closer to him that when you have a plan or problem you're consulting him first, the way you used to consult me before. Im completely forgotten. Even the fans likes the idea of the two of you. They cheered when he hugged you. Even when you just standing side by side. They liked it very much. Mingyu asked me if I'm okay and I ing lied that I was. I can't let him see me cry. I cried to him once and that's not gonna happen again. I lied hoping that I will be soon okay. Because I thought I'm gonna be okay. But it was all a lie. A guiltless lie. " 
I wiped my tears. 
All I can think right now is sorry.

So this is heartache?
So this is heartache?
All this pain in the chest, my regrets, and things we never said oh baby
So this is heartache?
So this is heartache?
What me meant, what we said that night.. Why did I let you go?
I miss you

"It was really alarming to see you spend your goddamn free time with him always. How you will ask him if he want to hang out or grab something to eat. How you will drink with him when you used to ask all of that to me. When just days before it was all mine. They said you will not know what happiness is without tasting a bit of sadness. I wasn't informed that this is what heartache looks like. I was for ready for this. It was ing painful. It feels like I'm dying. It was so heartbreaking looking at you smiling from eye to eye because he said something funny. I miss you Cheol. I miss the time you'll bring food to the studio because i was so busy that I forgot to eat. I miss you checking me every possible night making sure i am okay. How you will wait for me to finish things and then we will go home together. Walking at midnight, appreciating the view with the cold air embracing us. I miss being the one by your side. The one you confirm to. It has been weeks but it feels ing forever. I miss you so much." He is crying his heart out. 
I can feel his frustrations just by listening to his heavy breathing. 
How did I become do cruel?

So they say that I didn’t know what I had in my life until it’s gone
The truth is that I knew you were the live; we never knew it would end
Oh baby watching you walk away, why didn’t I make you stay?
Yeah I wish that I could do it again
Turnin’ the time back when you were mine (all mine)

"It's all understandable that you are in the same age and it's okay if you two grew close. I understand that maybe you're just glad you two finally made up. Maybe you just miss him and you didn't forget about me. I let the day passed it becomes week. It was ing extrapolatable that I'm busy doing my stuffs, that you'll find a company because I'm busy doing s.. But cheol, im never busy when it comes to you. You knew that. Everything we used to do is what you're exactly doing with Jeonghan. What happened? I wish I could turn back time when it was just you and me because I miss what we used to be. I wish I could make you stay with me. I wish I sustained you enough reason to stay. Because Cheol, im your best friend but i can see you slipping away. Everytime you hugged him I could just shut my eyes because I have no right to snatch you back to me. Even in front of many I couldn't contain my pain. I'll just turn around because the memories of us keep lingering on my mind. Every day becomes a torture that I just lodged my ing to the studio. To avoid the both of you. You're ing everywhere! I'm completely set aside." Jihoon let his voice taste the yearning. 
Is it possible if I say I feel all of this in my veins? 
Every goddamn words affect me.

So this is heartache?
So this is heartache?
All this pain in the chest, my regrets, and things we never said oh baby
So this is heartache?
So this is heartache?
What me meant, what we said that night.. Why did I let you go?
I miss you

"Is it posible if I don't want to let you go when you are never mine to start with? Is it possible for my heart to break when I could still breathe? To feel like slowly dying while living everyday? Is this what heartache feels like? Can't I have you again? You said you want your best friend back. I never left you Cheol. You're the one who walked away. Im waiting for you to come back here. Little did I know you found someone. You keep looking for me yet you never feel I was there because while you are searching for me, you're looking at him. Cheol, that night is not the one that broke us apart. You. You broke us apart. You forget about me. But even tho, i know all of that. Guess what? Im still waiting for you to come at my studio's door to give me food. To ask me for a drink. Im waiting for you to wait for me so we can go home together. I keep on waiting for you but you never came. I miss you so bad. But no matter how tight my grip is, you keep slipping away. Cheol. Now I understand what this ing knot in my chest is all about. This is heartache. My heart is ing aching so bad. " 
He paused and sobbed. Once that become twice then thrice until I couldn't follow a count.

It’s so hard to forget
Getting worse as the pain goes by
Yeah It’s so hard to forget
What do I do in all of this life?
You and all the regret
I tried and hide the pain with nothing
I’ll never be alive with no more you and I. 
I can’t forget the look in your eyes

"I wish i could just forget all of it. I wish I have never experienced this in the first place. Why can't I just forget all about you? I'm tired of pretending to feel alright when the truth is, i have never feel fine since the day I fell for you. The feelings used to feel great. It was all great until the pain kicks in. It's horrifically painful accepting Ji and Cheol are long gone. That no matter how hard we try we could never go back to what we used to be. That you have Jeonghan now while I only have myself and our memories. It's hard to accept that Jeonghan replaced my part in your life. Being your best friend is a whole deal for me. Because, being one gives me the right to worry and take care of you using my way. Being one makes me feel happy. But you took that right away from me. It feels gazillion stabs in my body. It's getting worse day after day. It's ing painful seeing the two of you everyday in my life. I feel so betrayed that you can have the fun without me. I feel like cause I'm still hoping while being hopeless. Cheol why does it hurt so bad?" 
I never intended to hurt you like this.
I never see it that way. 
I never cut you in my life. I would never do that. 
I never wanted to replace you. 
You are with me from the very start. 
I treasure each and every moment we had together.
You are especially to me and no one can replace your spot in my life. Jihoonnie, not even Jeonghan. 
Im so sorry to make you feel like . This is heartbreaking for me too Jihoonie. 
It's painful too. 
You're right. Why does it hurt so bad?

So this is heartache?
So this is heartache?
All this pain in the chest, my regrets, and things we never said oh baby
So this is heartache?
So this is heartache?
What me meant, what we said that night.. Why did I let you go?
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I…
miss you

"I wish this was all jealousy. That im just being childish. Or maybe it's better to wish all of these are just nightmares. That i will wake up soon enough and see you there waiting for me again, smiling. Cheol, it's too painful. The pain is ineffable. I'm missing every part of you. Am I that bad if sometimes I wish we never debut? It's selfish I know. But the success took you away from me. Is it the price I have to pay for my dreams? If this was it, i wouldn't dream big cause I can never sacrifice you, Cheol. But you seems okay without having me. Everything about us have change. There's no more you and I. I was left here with the thought of you and him. It's worth every tears to think I could only dream of having you wait for me again. I could only dream of singing to you again while playing a piano while appreciating your eyes. I could only just love you from afar. I have lost you and my right to be with you. I could only dream of having you and It ing . So this is heartache. I never wished for this one. I never wanted this. Cheol, it's really heartbreaking. Your name used to warm me but now it only brings me tears. Cheol, can I stop dreaming? Can't it be real? I don't deserve all of these." 
Jihoon's voice has gotten weak and fragile. 
It broke like a glass and every broken pieces of it stabbed me. 
This track is like a poison that slowly kills me. 
Jihoon, is this heartache too?

Notes:

This is my favorite One Ok Rock. This is a must listen song. The English version is really good. My friend introduced me this song and I'm tellinh you, it screams JiCheol angst. Forgive me.