A/N: ugh ok I tried to make this as.... angsty as I could but it's really just unrequited love and the endings a little ???? the prompt was a little vague so I'm not sure this is exactly what you wanted but nonetheless, hope you enjoy! (or not?? it's angst...I avoid this stuff like the plague lmao) <3
 

The first time Sehun fell in love with Jongdae was in their senior year of high school. They had just finished their last year of school, and were enjoying the summer before college as frivolously as possible. And it was during their frequent trips to the froyo shop and driving around for ages trying to find some cool, previously undiscovered location, that Sehun realized he probably wanted to be more than just best friends with Jongdae. 

They were both in Sehun’s car, a slightly old, blue convertible that his dad had given to him as a graduation present. Sehun hadn’t even been sure he was going to be able to drive around campus, but Jongdae had been ecstatic that his best friend had gotten a car, because it meant all the free rides he could get.

(and Sehun could never say no to him). 

The taller boy had one hand on the steering wheel, the other arm resting on top of the door, the car hood down and windows rolled down. Jongdae was leaning back in his seat with his hands linked behind his head, feet propped up on the dashboard, enjoying the slightly cool summer breeze in his face.

They were driving to the froyo place they seemed to visit nearly every other day. Sehun had thought it was slightly too late and a bit chilly for frozen yogurt, but with enough whining and pouting, Jongdae was able to convince the other to tag along. As usual. 

The soft sounds of a popular pop song from the boy group Sehun and Jongdae both liked drifted from the radio, the sound slightly hard to hear from the windows being down and the wind rushing at them. 

“Hey Sehun?” Jongdae suddenly said, eyes still closed. Sehun glanced at his friend and felt his heart thump loudly. 

“What,” he said passively, keeping his eyes trained on the road in front of him. The sun was already dipping past the horizon and it sent pretty streaks of gold and orange and yellow everywhere, including Jongdae. The colors made him look ethereal. 

“Do you ever wonder if we’ll still be friends in college?” he asked. Sehun stole another look at Jongdae to see he had a serene look on his face, if his eyebrows were a little scrunched together, and was currently looking out the open window with half- lidded eyes. 
The question made Sehun press his lips together in discomfort. 

Placing his other hand on the steering wheel, Sehun reached over to flick Jongdae in the ear. The other boy shrieked and shrank away from Sehun.

“What was that for!”

“You were saying stupid things,” Sehun felt himself grin in spite of himself. “Of course we’d be friends. Why wouldn’t we?” Somehow, the word friends left a bitter taste in his mouth. And it was pretty obvious to himself why he was feeling that way. Why every moment he spent with Jongdae felt like the happiest times ever, and why every time Jongdae pouted or gave Sehun those puppy eyes, he always felt like melting and giving whatever the other wanted. 

Yeah, it was painfully obvious. But Sehun didn’t act on his feelings, because what he had with Jongdae right now was good. There wasn’t anyone who knew each other better than the other. They were best friends, had been best friends for nearly seven years now, and Sehun was okay with that. 

Besides, they were both going to different colleges anyways. Jongdae was headed to his dream school in Seoul for a graphic art major and minor in vocal singing. And Sehun? 

He was studying abroad in America. Which meant at least seven months before he’d manage to come back home for the holiday break. Seven months without Jongdae. 

He didn’t like to think about it for too long because that’s just the way Sehun was. He felt like if he didn’t remind himself or Jongdae about it, then it’d make the whole ordeal a bit more bearable. 

Jongdae laughed and took his feet down from the dashboard. Sehun felt his heart skip when he felt something rest on his shoulder, and saw to see that it was Jongdae, who was leaning against Sehun, arms tucked into his body. 

“Yeah, you’re right. Man, college is gonna without you.” 

“I know.”
And the rest of the ride continued in comfortable silence, if the mood not a bit solemn, and later, with the taste of strawberry and cake batter flavors on their tongue, Sehun and Jongdae spent a good hour sitting on the hood of Sehun’s car, talking about everything from old high school memories to future ones. What would America be like? And Sehun would video chat Jongdae every other day, right? And Jongdae had to keep Sehun updated about that one guy from their bio class, because Jongdae totally liked him. 

And it all really because Sehun was really in love with Jongdae and his smile, the way his lips curled in the cutest ways, his unabashedly loud laugh, the twinkle in his eyes and the way he looked so effortlessly perfect with a plastic spoon stuck in his mouth, him looking out into the distance with an unknown look in his eyes, small baby hairs rustling against his forehead by the wind. And Sehun didn’t reach out to brush them to the side like he wanted, because he and Jongdae weren’t like that. 

Because they were just friends, and Sehun didn’t want to ruin a good thing. 

The second time Sehun realized he was in love with Jongdae was when Jongdae found someone that wasn’t Sehun.

School had started already, as Jongdae so dramatically bemoaned to Sehun via video chat the other night. The time difference between New York and Seoul made it slightly awkward for them to scrape together enough time for a daily talk, but Sehun always found himself listening to Jongdae rant about that oh- so- annoying girl in his digital media class in lieu of studying for that 100- point calculus test the next day. 

And America was interesting, if not even a bit similar to South Korea. New York had the same bustling vibes as Seoul, although the people were perhaps more open, more forward. There was a great deal of diversity where Sehun was going to school for architecture and design, so he always found himself walking down the way to the little Korean noodle shop when he felt a bit homesick. 

And it wasn’t all bad. Sehun was a generally pretty likable person, so he’d caught the attention of a few people here and there. He’d quickly made friends with an outgoing girl he’d gotten into an argument with over who had grabbed the last Red Bull first at the campus bookstore. She was fun, and sensibly crazy, and almost reminded him a little of Jongdae. And Amber in turn had introduced him to her little gang, Jackson Wang, and Mark Lee, and the token non- full Asian in their group, a half- Mexican and Korean boy named Samuel. 

Sehun was grateful for them, because Mark had actually used to live in South Korea, and helped translate things into English when Sehun couldn’t find the right words. And they got along well, having late- night procrastination study sessions together, taking spontaneous day trips together, even dying Sehun’s hair. 

It had been nearly two weeks since the last time Sehun had called Jongdae, which he felt guilty for, but he was sure the other boy understood that they were both busy college students. And with the huge time difference, Sehun didn’t want to keep Jongdae up when he knew the other had a big project to work on, or something like that. 

So when Sehun called Jongdae for the first time since donning his now blond, blond hair, the other’s mouth fell open as he stared openly in shock. 

Sehun shuffled uncomfortably in his bed, wrinkling his nose and looking anywhere but the computer screen. 

“What?” he muttered. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

“Your HAIR!!” Jongdae yelled with a gleeful look on his face as he smacked the pillows next to him and bounced up and down like a little kid. The actions brought a smile to Sehun’s face. He’d thought that maybe taking a break from Jongdae would help soothe his slightly painful heart, but seeing the other like this, so happy (and because of him!) and himself made it all more clear that he wasn’t Sehun’s. Literally. Sehun couldn’t even be there to wrap his arms around the other like he always did. 

“Do you like it?” Sehun asked, suddenly uncharacteristically shy. He’d always been able to be himself around Jongdae (albeit never really quite himself because he didn’t think the other would take well to being peppered by kisses). 

Jongdae nodded with pursed lips. “It really suits you. You look good.” There was some rustling and Jongdae went out of the shot before coming back in. “Does this mean you’re like… a true American now?” he teased and Sehun laughed, ignoring the way his heart squeezed in his chest at Jongdae’s words. 

“What?” He laughed, with an open mouth and the corners of his eyes crinkled. Jongdae laughed with him, hugging a small plushie to his chest. 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, and rubbed an eye tiredly. “But guess what?” Jongdae held up the little plushie to the camera and Sehun leaned closer to get a good look at what seemed to be a pink dog with floppy ears and a heart pattern all over. “Guess who asked me out?” 

Sehun felt his smile slip away faster than he could react before physically forcing himself to put on a surprised expression, eyebrows quirking up and all. 

“No way, who?” The words sounded choked and forced even to Sehun’s own ear. He shifted the camera slightly so his eyes were just out of view and closed them, anticipating the words that were to come next.

“Jongin from bio last year! I don’t know, it was really sudden but I think I’ve always kinda like him, you know?” Jongde was toying with the ears of the plushie and suddenly Sehun felt like curling up in bed and just sleeping the rest of the day away. He wanted to scream no! if you like him then you’d know and wouldn’t need to justify going on a date with him!  But that’d mean Jongdae had actually said yes to Jongin, and so far all he’d said was that he’d been asked out. Not dating. There was a difference. 

“Oh,” Sehun said simply, because that was all he could force out without throwing up, probably. “Well, keep me updated, ok? And watch that link I texted you- it’s funny. I’ve gotta go, I’m working on this group project later with some people and you probably want to sleep so-”

“With Amber, right? And J… Jackson, I think?” Jongdae chirped up and Sehun blinked in surprise before nodding. 

“Yeah, them, haha.”

“You know… judging from the pictures of him you’ve posted and stuff… he’s pretty cute,” Jongdae said slyly before wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Sehun still stared at him, completely lost at what he was trying to get at.

“Sehun… he looks like your type,” Jongdae said in a sing song tone and Sehun immediately spluttered, completely at a lost for words because- Jackson? They were definitely friends. And only friends. He didn’t even think Jackson was gay. 

“Yeah, uh, no. Definitely not,” Sehun said firmly and rolling his eyes as Jongdae whined.

“Sehun, you guys would look so cute together! Why not just give it a try, at least?”

“Because I’m just not looking to date anyone right now! I’m really busy with school and stuff,” Sehun said quickly and cleared his throat to end the conversation as fast as he could. “Alright, I really gotta go now. I’ll talk to you later.”
Jongdae pouted again, but waved a goodbye anyways and Sehun quickly ended the call.

Sighing heavily, he leaned back against the headboard of his bed and let himself soak in all the information he’d received. Thank goodness his roommate wasn’t in the room, because he wasn’t sure he wanted to have any kind of human contact for the next year or two or maybe ten. Basically what he’d gathered was:

Jongdae may or may not be dating someone who wasn’t Sehun.

Jongdae wanted Sehun to date someone that wasn’t him. 

Jongdae friend zoned Sehun without even knowing about the other’s feelings. 

And Sehun was completely and utterly heartbroken. 

For the next few days, Sehun kept to himself and only went out when it was absolutely necessary, like for classes (he didn’t consider going to the laundry room absolutely necessary). 

Amber and the others had stopped by during the week with ice cream and Korean dramas (with English subtitles) because he’d told them about Jongdae and how hopelessly in love he was with him. Emphasis on hopelessly because it was quite clear by now that he’d never been able to confess his feelings and now it really was too late. 

Sehun didn’t really want to talk about Jongdae any more than he had to. It was strange how empty he felt, yet somewhat… okay at the same time. Not okay, okay, obviously, because he really had loved everything about Jongdae and wanted nothing more than to be the one by his side, but he felt almost accepting of his situation.

Because at least him and Jongdae were still best friends, despite not having any more than twenty minutes to talk every other week. 

It was fine. Everything was just… ok. So whenever Jongdae messaged Sehun about an incoming date or how Jongin had done the sweetest thing for him, Sehun always replied back with a selfie of himself giving a thumbs up, or a supportive text, and definitely not pretending like it was him that was in a relationship with Jongdae. Definitely not, because he didn’t need to hurt himself more than he’d already had. 

He was ok with the sorrow in his heart and he’d continue trudging along in life. Because him and Jongdae were just friends and that was enough. Kind of.

And then Christmas came and Sehun was on a plane back to Seoul with jittery legs and a little duffel bag stuffed full of his essentials, but a neatly wrapped little box in his hand, because it was for Jongdae and he’d asked Amber, who was a sculptor, to craft a little something for him. Something small, but intricate, because he knew Jongdae would appreciate it. 

So when he stepped out the terminal with a breathless smile on his face, eyes searching desperately for Jongdae, who he hadn’t seen in seven months and who had promised he’d meet him at the airport, his heart fell straight out his ribcage and shattered on the ground. 

Because Jongdae was there, but he’d also brought along Jongin, who had his arms wrapped around Jongdae’s smaller frame and everything about their image as a cute and happy couple made Sehun want to turn right around and get back on the next flight to New York but then his legs were moving and he couldn’t stop them and he was standing right there in front of the love of his life, and the love of his life. 

“Sehun! This is Jongin, I wanted you to meet him!”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Jongin was friendly, polite, handsome. “I’m…well… Jongdae’s boyfriend, haha.”

Sehun tried to smile but it probably looked more like a grimace.