I blinked open my eyes and saw blinding white. I remember wondering if I was dead, and thinking that this didn’t look like hell. Then I realized I was in a hospital room.

I had failed.

I immediately reached up and felt my neck. It was covered in bandages. I tried to speak.

Nothing.

I looked around. There was a raggedy old teddy bear. A lamb plushie.

“You’re awake.” I whirled around, then winced. My neck hurt a lot. It was you. You came up to me and sat beside the bed. You didn’t speak for a moment. Just looked at your small, dainty hands.

I looked at the stuffed animals. You looked up at the movement and followed my gaze to the plushies. “The bear was my brother’s,” you whispered. “The lamb was a gift from my best friend at home.” I nodded. “I… I’m sorry,” you said softly. I shook my head. “I should’ve known, I could’ve stopped you. Now… they’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to talk again. They aren’t… they aren’t sure if you’ll be able to sing again.”

I felt a sinking feeling of horror. I hadn’t thought about that. I… I couldn’t not sing. Singing was my favorite thing to do in the world… I couldn’t bear not being able to sing. “I’m sorry,” you murmured. I was silent. Tears pricked my eyes. “I… my brother committed suicide too. On Christmas Eve, we think. We―Yoongi and I―found out on Christmas.” You pointed to the bear. “That was his Christmas present to me.

“I spiraled into depression and self-destruction. I starved myself. I cut myself. I pushed Yoongi away. The only friend I had. I had a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. And… Yoongi tried to help me. He tried so hard. And then… I got hit by a car because I was stupid, and he must’ve felt guilty. He tried to kill himself two days later. I found him too. The paramedics told me I was just on time.” You looked at your hands again. “I found him with blood running down his wrists and collecting in a pool below him.” I reached out and started rubbing circles on the back of his hand. “So… I ran away.

“I went to the other side of the country. I left him behind. I left everything behind except the memorie