Wait, wait.

“Jjong, what are we doing?” he moved his head back a bit to look at me.

“Talking?” I looked at him incredulously.

“Last time I checked you don’t talk to someone with their face less than an inch away.” I moved my face back up against his to show him what I meant, then moved it back, “or with one party being pressed against a wall.” I’m actually really shocked my voice is so even. Since when can I be this calm when Jonghyun is practically kissing me?

“Well, maybe I do when I’m talking to you.” I stared at him.

“Are you feeling okay? We don’t talk like this either.” He sighed and moved away; back to his wall. I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was even holding.

“That answers that.” He muttered.

“Answers what?”

“Nothing, never mind.” I put my hands on my hips and stared at the back of his head.

“Jjong, what the is going on with you?” You’re acting weirder than I am. He turned back to face me.

“No Kibum – what the is wrong with you?” my eyes widened. I guess he’s caught on. Quick make a cover up!

“What do you mean? I’m perfectly fine. You’re the one asking all the weird questions and pressing me up against walls and .” I said, completely dismissing his accusation.

“No Kibum, you’re not fine. If I had done that any other time, you would’ve kneed me in the balls and yelled at me or something. Now you’re acting all shy and timid like you’re afraid of me!” I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid of me.

“Sorry, I just don’t feel well.” I said trying to sound convincing.

“Bull . Kibum. Tell me what’s wrong.” I shook my head.

“I can’t,”

“So there is something wrong?” .

“No it’s just-”

“Tell me.”

“I can’t Jjong!” he walked up to me and grabbed onto my arms.

“Kibum! Enough!”

“Shut up! Shut up! I can’t okay!? I just can’t!” he let go of me and stepped back.

“Why not?”

“Be-because. I just can’t. Please stop asking.” I shut my eyes to avoid looking at him.

“Kibum, why’re you crying? I’m sorry okay? I won’t ask anymore. I’m just worried about you. I do care about you, you know.” I opened my eyes, keeping them glued to the floor though. I brushed my fingers across my cheeks and felt the cold water that was dripping down them.

“I-I’m not crying.” I sniffed in and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands, wiping away the evidence. He cupped my face with one hand and tilted it upwards, forcing me to look at him.

“Kibum, tell me what’s wrong.” He said softly. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to let it all out. But I couldn’t I can’t risk losing him. The pain is better than the worst option.

“I can’t lose you Jjong.” I pressed my palms to his chest, lightly pushing him away – though it didn’t matter, he didn’t move. “I can’t risk it.” I felt the tears this time; they started flowing like a dam broke or something.

“What do you mean? I’m not going anywhere.” He continuously brushed away stray tears that touched his finger tips. I shook my head, letting his hand fall away from his face.

“You really want to know? You might regret it.” I’m going to regret telling you I know it.

“I asked for it, didn’t I?” I sighed.

“Jonghyun, come here.” I motioned my hand for him to bring his face closer to my own, he did as I said, “Closer, like you were before.” Again he did as he was told. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then I did the only thing I could do.

I kissed him.