Call Me JB Hyung: Epilogue Chapter 9

________________________________________________________________________________

 

Months pass by quickly when there’s something you're trying to run away from. Soon years pass by, and by the time you know it will be two years of your life gone.

 

 

Two years.

 

 

It will be the beginning of year three starting tomorrow.

 

 

Just yesterday night I returned from a trip to Thailand with BamBam and Yugyeom. The trip was planned a year ago, but it was just the end of this year that we were able to go.

 

 

We spent two weeks with BamBam’s family, and he showed us around his hometown.

 

 

Actually many things happened exactly a year ago.

 

 

I was still with the music therapy clinic, but soon teacher Kim contacted me and offered me an opportunity to go study in America.

 

 

In America I got to go to Africa to volunteer.

 

 

After returning from America, I visited Jun and Jinyoung hyung in Japan with Jr hyung. We met their daughter and spend a full week with them. When we returned I tagged along to Hong Kong with Jackson and learned many new things.

 

 

Finally after all of adventures, I got a new job at a bigger music therapy company.

 

 

Then I moved out of my parent's house officially.

 

 

No I have my own apartment.

 

 

I have my own car.

 

 

I can support myself on my own.

 

 

I was able do many things that I’ve always planned to do, many of my wishes have come true over the past two years.

 

 

I’m happy is what I tell myself.

 

 

But it’s not like over the past two years I haven’t thought of the last ten years I spent with someone else.

_____________________________________________

 

It was only a month after the last time I talked to Jaebum hyung that I heard that his parents talked him into moving. Although no one knew where he moved to exactly, not even Jr hyung.

 

 

I didn't think it was strange when Jr hyung wanted to meet one day and I sneaked out to meet him. This was when I found out that Jaebum hyung moved, and that in the end he rented out our old apartment.

 

 

If it wasn't for Jr hyung, I wouldn't know any of it because in the end, me and Jaebum hyung never contacted each other after our last meeting at the apartment.

 

 

In the first few months my mom refused to talk to any of the guys. For a few weeks she didn’t even talk to Yugyeom or BamBam. She rarely talked to me about anything besides work and...Kim Mina.

 

 

My dad didn’t talk to me at all for a full year.

 

 

And still now we barely talk.

 

 

During the first month I sneaked out a lot to see the guys. I was dealing with a lot at home that getting to experience the life of sneaking out like I did in high school was exciting, even if I was already old enough not to have to sneak out.

 

 

One night, exactly two months after everything happened, we met at a meat place. It was me, Mark hyung, and Yugyeom and his girlfriend.

 

 

I thought we only met to eat, but after eating they were telling me this and that about JB hyung, about Jaehun hyung, about things I really didn’t want to hear about.

 

 

Three months after everything is exactly when I started calming down. I didn’t want to feel like crying anymore and I didn’t want to be sad. But it was hard when the guys refused to let me push it all to the back on my mind and forget it.

 

 

But it’s not like I wanted to forget it no matter how hard I tried to tell myself to.

_____________________________________________

 

“Youngjae. Hey. How many times do I have to call you?”

 

 

The familiar voice went through my ears before I felt the slap on my back.

 

 

“Jackson hyung!” I said loudly, laughing as I rubbed my back.

 

 

He’s become like me.

 

 

I continued laughing as he sat down, and then his girlfriend sat next to him and greeted me. He finally decided to reveal her about a year ago. Even if we all already knew about her.

 

 

And now they’re planning their marriage.

 

 

“Hi Youngjae. I keep telling him to stop hitting you but he won’t listen.” his girlfriend smiled at me and mumbled an apology.

 

 

I laughed as she rubbed my back.

 

 

“It’s ok. I do it too.” I said, reaching over to hit Jackson back.

 

 

“Hey. Hey.” he suddenly got angry.

 

 

I laughed loudly, shaking my head and apologizing.

 

 

“Where’s Jr hyung? I thought he was coming too?” I asked.

 

 

“He’s on his way. Order the food already. Why are you just sitting here?”

 

 

So I watched Jackson hyung order the meat, ignoring me as I told his girlfriend about the trip to Thailand.

 

 

“I heard it’s really hot there all year.” she suddenly said.

 

 

“It’s really hot. It rains sometimes but it didn’t rain when we were there.”

 

 

“I want to visit.” she smiled.

 

 

“We’ll go.” Jackson suddenly said. "I'll take you."

 

 

“BamBam said he wants everyone to go. He’s planning something.” I quickly said.

 

 

“I told him we want to go too. He should plan another trip.” Jackson mumbled.

 

 

I laughed.

 

 

“Plan what?”

 

 

“Jr hyung!" I turned around and Jr hyung was smirking at me.

 

 

“Hey! What did I tell you about calling me that? It’s Jinyoung. Jinyoung.” he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

 

 

I was suddenly pulled back and Jr hyung started rubbing my hair before he sat down next to me.

 

 

“Where’s the wife?” Jackson suddenly asked.

 

 

“Why do you want to see her?” Jr hyung replied.

 

 

I laughed as they started arguing about Jr hyung’s wife.

 

 

He got married.

 

 

It was also a year ago around the time I was still volunteering in Africa. Surprisingly he got married to someone I knew, someone I used to work with at the old music therapy clinic.

 

 

Soojung helped me remember.

 

 

I remember whenever Jr hyung would come over to the clinic he would greet every single person like he worked there, and maybe he secretly worked there then.

 

 

But he actually did start working there after I left for America. Soojung told me that he was meeting her way before he started working there, but because Jr hyung is so secretive we didn't know.

 

 

They actually dated for three years without any of us knowing. 

 

 

“She’s at work. She doesn’t have time to always come see you Jackson.” Jr hyung suddenly said.

 

 

“How is she doing?” I asked.

 

 

“She’s fine. She wanted to come but they called her in like usual. She works at the hospital now.” he replied.

 

 

“Wow.” I was surprised.

 

 

“She actually went to school to be a nurse. It surprised me too.” Jr hyung said.

 

 

“I remember. She was only at the clinic to get some experience right?” I asked.

 

 

“Yeah...” he smiled. “...she’s a really hard worker.”

 

 

I smiled, imagining how Jr hyung is with her. Whenever he talks about her he smiles wide.

 

 

“I’m sorry I missed the wedding.” I apologized.

 

 

“Hey. How many times are you going to apologize huh? You even sent a present all the way from Africa.” he nudged my shoulder.

 

 

“Why did you have to get married as soon as I left?” I laughed.

 

 

“Hey, do you think I was going to wait for you?” he laughed.

 

 

I chuckled, shaking my head.

 

 

“What are we doing talking so much? The food is going to get cold.” Jackson hyung suddenly said.

 

 

“I’m already eating.” his girlfriend lifted up a piece of meat and I stared at it and laughed.

 

 

“Let’s eat!” Jackson yelled.

 

 

I laughed, picking up a bowl of rice.

 

 

“I missed this.” I said loudly.

 

 

“Oh yeah. They don’t have this in Thailand right?” Jr hyung asked.

 

 

“They did. But it’s not the same.” I replied.

 

 

“If you missed it this much how are we going to go back?” Jackson asked.

 

 

“Go back?” Jr hyung looked confused.

 

 

“BamBam’s planning to take us.” Jackson said.

 

 

“All of us?” Jr hyung still looked confused.

 

 

“He has money now.” I laughed loudly. “He said he wants all of us to go together. Don’t forget we never went on that trip we promised to go to in Japan.”

 

 

“That was years ago what are you talking about?” Jr hyung mumbled.

 

 

“Your phone.” Jackson's girlfriend suddenly pointed at Jr hyung's ringing phone.

 

 

I watched as Jr hyung picked up his phone, looked at the screen, and suddenly stood up.

 

 

“Who is it? Your wife?” Jackson began teasing him and his girlfriend tried calming him down. It seemed Jackson hyung already had something to drink when I wasn't paying attention.

 

 

We watched Jr hyung walking away, mumbling something about it being too loud, but he was already talking to the person on the phone.

 

 

"Jr hyung is so romantic." I chuckled.

 

 

“Hey. Youngjae. You still don’t drink do you?” Jackson suddenly asked.

 

 

“Huh? Who? Me?” I stared at the green bottle in front of him.

 

 

He suddenly hit my shoulder and I laughed, rubbing at it.

 

 

“Who else am I talking to? We’re both drinking.” he pointed to the drink in front of him and his girlfriend.

 

 

“It’s not that I don’t drink...” I mumbled.

 

 

“Come on. You're old enough you know. Yugyeom said you even got yourself a tattoo now. Show me.”

 

 

“Kim Yugyeom...” I mumbled.

 

 

“I never would have imagined you to get a tattoo.” Jackson said.

 

 

“What? There’s nothing wrong with it.” I mumbled.

 

 

“I want to see it.” he said.

 

 

“Here?” I asked.

 

 

“Come on. Where exactly did you get it that you can’t show it?” he teased.

 

 

Just like Jr hyung, Jackson hyung is just as persistent.

 

 

“Don’t you remember back then whenever you asked me to buy you food I would-“

 

 

“Ok. Ok. What does food have to do with this?” I laughed, pulling at my shirt slightly and showing them my shoulder.

 

 

The tattoo is something I’ve actually always thought of getting. Not just because it’s cool, but there’s something I really wanted to get as well, a phrase I learned back in high school that I always write in my journal.

 

 

“Where is it? On your arm?” Jackson leaned so close that I had to move back at the smell of the alcohol on his breath.

 

 

“What does it say?” he asked.

 

 

His girlfriend leaned close now too.

 

 

“Ars longa, vita brevis''

 

 

They both stared at me.

 

 

I chuckled.

 

 

“It’s latin.” I smiled.

 

 

“Look at him. He went to America and now he’s saying he knows Latin.” Jackson teased me.

 

 

I laughed.

 

 

“What does it mean?” his girlfriend asked.

 

 

“Art is long, life is short.” I pulled my shirt up and smiled at their faces as they stared at me in confusion.

 

 

“Why did you-“

 

 

“I’ll call you later.”

 

 

Jr hyung suddenly sat down next to me and sighed loudly.

 

 

“How’s your wife?” Jackson quickly started teasing him.

 

 

“It wasn’t her.” Jr hyung replied.

 

 

I turned to him and he sighed loudly again, then he suddenly looked at me.

 

 

“What?” I chuckled. “Why are you staring at me?”

 

 

He looked away.

 

 

“It was Jaebum.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I froze.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“Leader! How long has it been?” Jackson suddenly said loudly.

 

 

“Who’s Jaebum?”

 

 

While Jackson explained who Jaebum was to his girlfriend, I sat staring at my empty bowl of rice.

 

 

“He’s coming back. He’s already on his way.” Jr hyung suddenly said. I could feel him staring at me.

 

 

“That’s...great.” I said. “I haven’t seen him in a long time. How long has it been?”

 

 

"Tomorrow is the start of three years." Jackson quickly said.

 

 

I didn't miss that he only counted the years since me and Jaebum hyung have been broken up. It made sense though, because it's exactly how long it's been since I have seen him.

 

 

Recently they stopped talking about it as much, but I know they will never completely stop talking about it, reminding me of my own past relationship that I couldn't forget about no matter how hard I tried.

 

 

“That’s right. I think even if you don’t admit it you miss him right?” Jr hyung suddenly touched my wrist and I quickly pulled my hand away.

 

 

“He’s still trying to hide it when he wears that bracelet every single day.” Jackson said.

 

 

I kept silent.

 

 

“He’s coming. He’ll be here tonight...” Jr hyung suddenly said.

 

 

“Ok...” I mumbled.

 

 

“With his wife.”

 

 

“Hey!”

 

 

I quickly picked up my chopsticks and apologized.

 

 

“What’s with you? You almost knocked your drink down!” Jackson yelled.

 

 

“Huh? It was an accident. Sorry.” I quickly said.

 

 

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

 

 

“Youngjae-“

 

 

“Um...I’ll go use the bathroom. Yeah. The bathroom. I really have to use it.” I quickly stood up, not waiting for Jr hyung to continue whatever he was about to say. I already knew what he was going to say.

 

 

Because they've said it so many times before.

 

 

My heart was beating really fast.

 

 

It’s been a long time since I heard about Jaebum...JB hyung.

 

 

A month ago I thought about it. I thought about where he was and what exactly he was doing. Even if I didn’t want to hear the guys talk about what happened anymore, I’ve been thinking about it all myself for two years.

 

 

He’s married now.

 

 

Looking at my wrist, at the bright silver bracelet, I sighed loudly.

 

 

I said I was going to send it to him.

 

 

I found the bracelet somewhere where I didn’t think I would find it, but then maybe I was playing myself when I said I couldn’t find it.

 

 

It was right inside my bag.

 

 

That day after it all happened as I looked back in my shoulder bag I found the bracelet right where I put it with all the other things JB hyung gave me.

 

 

All the things he told me never to give back.

 

 

“What’s he doing?”

 

 

I jumped at the sound of the sudden voice as a group of guys walked into the bathroom.

 

 

Covering my wrist with my hand I apologized and walked past them, out of the bathroom.

 

 

“Hey! What took you so long?” Jackson yelled as soon as he saw me.

 

 

“I have to rush to use the bathroom?” I chuckled, noticing a half empty bottle of soju in front of him.

 

 

“Are you going to drink that?” I asked.

 

 

He stared at me, then at what I was pointing at.

 

 

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

 

 

“I thought you didn’t drink.” his girlfriend said loudly.

 

 

I reached my hand out for the bottle when Jr hyung suddenly grabbed it.

 

 

“He doesn’t.” he said.

 

 

“What? What are you saying?” I stared at him.

 

 

“You don’t drink.” he said.

 

 

I wanted to take the bottle from him but suddenly he glared at me, so I slowly pulled my hand away.

 

 

It became silent after this. Well, I became silent.

 

 

Once I start thinking about it all, once every memory, every touch, every word returns to my memories, I can’t forget any of it no matter how hard I try.

 

 

JB hyung’s married now.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

I looked up and the three people in front of me were staring at me.

 

 

“What’s up? You’re not feeling good?” Jackson asked.

 

 

“You want me to drop you off?” he asked.

 

 

I laughed loudly, shaking my head.

 

 

“Did you forget I drive now hyung?” I asked him.

 

 

“It’s getting late. We should get going. Don’t you work tomorrow?” Jr hyung suddenly said.

 

 

“Yeah. Yes. I work. I think I should get going home now.” I agreed and nodded, memories going through my head over and over.

 

 

Jackson and his girlfriend decided to stay.

 

 

It was not so late in the night to head home, but out of all the guys Jr hyung is the one that won’t let me forget the most.

 

 

I walked out of the restaurant following behind him silently.

 

 

Jaebum hyung is married.

 

 

“You’re just as shocked as me right?”

 

 

I lifted my head, barely stopping myself from walking into Jr hyung’s back.

 

 

“Wha..What? Why did you stop walking?” I asked.

 

 

He suddenly turned around, staring at me.

 

 

“To Jinhee. He got married with Jinhee. Remember her?”

 

 

His ex girlfriend? Jinhee noona? JB hyung really got married to Jinhee noona?

 

 

“I haven’t seen your face like this in a long time.”

 

 

Jr hyung stared hard at me.

 

 

“Wha...What?” I mumbled.

 

 

“I’m shocked too.” he said.

 

 

“What...What are you saying?” I started walking, not waiting for him to say anything else.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

A hand landed on my shoulder and Jr hyung was once again glaring at me like how he glared at me in the restaurant when I almost picked up Jackson’s half bottle of soju.

 

 

“What do you want me to say? That’s what he’s wanted hyung.” I mumbled.

 

 

“You still believe something like that?”

 

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

 

“You’re the one that broke up with him Youngjae. You’re the one that’s believed all of this about him needing to be with someone he didn't want to be with.” I didn't miss the angry tone in Jr hyung's voice.

 

 

“What are you saying? That...that was all years ago. I should...we should just forget about it. If we forget about it then it will be ok. JB hyung...” I paused.

 

 

It’s been a long time since I said it. It’s been a long time since I've called out his name - since I’ve called him JB hyung.

 

 

I looked up and Jr hyung was still glaring.

 

 

“Jaebum hyung is happy now...he’ll be happier with Jinhee.” I mumbled.

 

 

Even if it hurt having to say it, I couldn't stop myself from saying it.

 

 

“You and me both know that’s a lie. I’m not going to treat you like you're still that innocent 18 year old high school boy Jaebum introduced me to 12 years ago. You and me both know that you made a mistake and you’ve regretted it ever since you walked out of that apartment building. I heard you crying that night on your birthday, don't deny it. I know why you wanted to suddenly use the bathroom when Yugyeom mentioned him.”

 

 

My heart was beating so fast.

 

 

Persistent.

 

 

Persistent Jr hyung.

 

 

He hasn’t changed at all.

 

 

Closing my eyes, glancing away, and sighing, I stared at the ground.

 

 

Every single memory came back sharper than it has ever.

 

 

“There’s nothing I can do. He’s married now.” I mumbled.

 

 

“There was so much you could do before. Why didn’t you do it?”

 

 

A short silence passed between us.

 

 

He’s never been like this before. Out of all the things we’ve talked about, all the things that have happened, this is the first time I’ve seen Jr hyung so angry at me.

 

 

“I made a choic-“

 

 

“You made a stupid choice!” he yelled.

 

 

“I...know.” I mumbled.

 

 

He didn't have to tell me for the hundredth time since it all happened.

 

 

The silence continued again.

 

 

“So what are you going to do?”

 

 

I looked up. The face of anger was gone and Jr hyung looked at me with that same motherly look I know from the beginning when I first met him.

 

 

“You wear the bracelet he gave you every day. Even if you said you were going to return it you never did.”

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

“What are you saying?” I mumbled.

 

 

“What are you going to do?” he asked again.

 

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

 

“What am I going to-“ I stared at the ground again. “What am I going to do?” I repeated.

 

 

I slowly looked up.

 

 

“There’s nothing to do.” I said.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“Wait. Wait. Hyung. Listen to me.” I stopped him.

 

 

Jr hyung glared for a little while before sighing loudly.

 

 

I stared at him calming down, then I calmed down myself even if my heart was beating so fast and so loud.

 

 

We stood face to face.

 

 

“I made a mistake...I made a big mistake...” I repeated, playing with my fingers as I lowered my gaze to the ground. “I gave up someone that I cared about...I gave up someone that I really liked-“

 

 

“You only liked him?”

 

 

Sighing I looked up at Jr hyung.

 

 

“No. No. I love Jaebum hyung. I loved Jaebum hyung and I still love him now. I loved him when I gave him up too. I’ve never stopped loving him.”

 

 

Jr just stared.

 

 

Running both my hands in my hair this time I sighed loudly.

 

 

“I didn’t want to give it all up.” I mumbled.

 

 

“Well we wouldn’t know. You’ve never talked about why you broke up with him. Especially when it was so clear that you didn’t want to.”

 

 

I slowly nodded.

 

 

“I’m stupid.” I chuckled. “I was stupid.”

 

 

“So what are you saying?”

 

 

“There’s nothing I’m saying hyung.”

 

 

“Youngjae-“

 

 

“No. Listen. I know. I know that I did something wrong. I gave it all up when I shouldn’t have. I should have tried to talk it out. I should have tried to listen to JB hyung. But that was in the past. It’s been two years now. Two years...” I paused. “...we’re already in our thirties...” I mumbled.

 

 

“What does that matter?”

 

 

“Maybe it doesn’t I don’t know...” I paused. “But Jaebum hyung he...if he’s happy then I’m not going to try do anything to ruin that.”

 

 

“Who said he’s happy?” Jr hyung grumbled.

 

 

“Hyung-“

 

 

“You pushed him into marrying her.” he said loudly.

 

 

“I didn’t...” I paused, thinking about it. “...or maybe I did...” I mumbled.

 

 

“You did.” he said.

 

 

“But! But....” I quickly said loudly. “But...I can only apologize for what I did now.”

 

 

“You should do more than apologize.”

 

 

“He’s married. Let him be happy hyung.”

 

 

“Hey!”

 

 

“He wouldn’t have married her if she didn’t make him happy. Even if you think this is all my fault and I pushed him to it...even if maybe I did push him into it...maybe if what I did was...was...it was ed up-"

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“Sorry!” I yelled loudly. “I didn’t want to curse.” I sighed.

 

 

“But what I did was ed up I know that. But if why I did it is happening now hyung, then I won’t ruin it even if I still have selfish feelings for him.”

 

 

“Where were your selfish feelings back then?” Jr hyung asked.

 

 

Where were they?

 

 

I sighed and lowered my head.

 

 

“I don't know. I don’t know where they were.” I mumbled. "I couldn't think about anything but JB hyung's future."

 

 

“Stop always putting Jaebum first and think about what you want and how you feel for once. Stop listening to everyone else and start living for yourself like you’ve been doing for the past year.”

 

 

I stood frozen, my heart beating, not knowing what to say to his words.

 

 

“Come on. You’re standing here shivering. Where did you park? I’ll walk you to your car.”

 

 

I slowly nodded and began walking to my car, Jr hyung following close behind. I knew the only reason he was walking with me was to finish whatever he wanted to say.

 

 

“There’s my car.”

 

 

I took out my keys and walked to the drivers door.

 

 

Like I thought Jr hyung walked with me, then he leaned on the car and watched me open the door.

 

 

“There’s one more thing.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I looked at him.

 

 

He stared hard at me.

 

 

“Wh...What?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable.

 

 

I haven’t been stared at so hard in years.

 

 

“You know something?” he suddenly asked.

 

 

“Huh? What?”

 

 

“You really changed.” he said.

 

 

I stared at him, confused.

 

 

“You got...ier.” he suddenly said.

 

 

“What?” I quickly hit his shoulder, then pulled my hand away and apologized, but my face was hot.

 

 

What is he suddenly saying?

 

 

“I’m just saying the truth.” Jr hyung suddenly laughed and I sighed, watching him laugh.

 

 

“He’ll be happy to see you.” he suddenly said.

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“Jaebum wants the seven of us to meet this week.”

 

 

“What!?” I said this more loudly than I should have.

 

 

“What are you talking about?” I quickly asked.

 

 

“You’re not saying no.” Jr hyung glared.

 

 

“Wha...What? What? But...but I...why suddenly?” I asked.

 

 

“Jackson would say leader wants everyone to meet so everyone must come!” he said loudly.

 

 

My heart was beating loudly once again.

 

 

“You won’t be able to miss it so calm down and come.” Jr hyung patted my shoulder.

 

 

I stared at him as he suddenly leaned close to me.

 

 

“He wants to see you.” he whispered, still patting my shoulder and smiling before he walked away.

 

 

“So make it better!” he yelled.

 

 

I looked around to see if anyone else heard, and a lot of people were staring at him.

 

 

Jr hyung walked all the way to his car, got in, and drove away.

 

 

I stood staring at the space his car was parked for a long time, the last words he said going through my mind.

 

 

Make it better.

________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hello?”

 

 

“Youngjae.”

 

 

“Hyung...”

 

 

My brother.

 

 

Two years ago I never would have imagined to see him. Since he left to study abroad when I was in high school, he hasn’t come home since, not even for holidays.

 

 

A year ago he suddenly came home one day. It was the day I finally saved enough to move out of my parent’s house and find a place of my own.

 

 

The day he arrived he had a long talk with my dad, and after that talk he tried to talk to me too. But at that time I was really trying to forget everything. I didn’t want to talk about or hear about any of it anymore.

 

 

I didn’t want to hear my dad cursing my name or my sister calling to ask how I was doing.

 

 

I surely didn’t want to hear my brother call me the same names Jaehun hyung called me, so I refused to talk to him.

 

 

And I’m still refusing to talk to him now.

 

 

“Why don’t you ever pick up? Hey. Even if I didn’t see you much I’m still your brother.” he said.

 

 

Surprisingly he’s not married yet.

 

 

All those years abroad and he doesn’t even have a foreign girlfriend. Well...he hasn’t talked about any foreign girlfriends.

 

 

But I guess I wouldn’t know if I refuse to talk to him.

 

 

“Hey. Choi Youngjae.”

 

 

“I’m here.” I quickly said.

 

 

I heard a loud sigh.

 

 

“Mom wants you to come home today. You know I’m still here right? It’s hard to see her like this when you don’t come home.”

 

 

I didn’t know what to say to him.

 

 

“You’re just getting off of work right?” he asked.

 

 

“I’m driving.” I replied, staring hard at the road in front of me.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“She wants you to come home. Why don’t you stop by?”

 

 

“You know why...” I mumbled.

 

 

Even if part of the reason why I gave up my relationship with JB hyung was because of the reactions of my parents, I found after the first few months that it’s really hard to follow them when they do nothing but continue to tear me down.

 

 

It’s the same for Mina.

 

 

My mom hasn’t given up on her at all, and for the first few months when I followed her every word to make her happy again, I went on a few dates with Kim Mina.

 

 

My mom tried so deperately to make us become a couple that it pushed me to start planning to move out.

 

 

Then one day she told me about marrying Mina. All the months that passed after I stopped going out with Mina, she believed we were still dating. That’s when I realized that whatever I said would not work. She was convinced if she stopped talking about Mina, then somehow I would once again start dating Jaebum hyung, that maybe I would find a new guy.

 

 

So she desperately tried, trying to force me. Until I couldn't take it anymore.

 

 

If she was willing to overlook how I couldn’t get over the one person I myself let go, then I couldn’t continue to try to make her happy.

 

 

So I called Mina and talked hard with her about my feelings and how I did not want to date anyone.

 

 

I think I grew more in maturity that day.

 

 

Mina surprisingly told me that from the beginning she’s known there was someone else for me, and even if she liked me that she wouldn’t get in my way.

 

 

But this didn’t stop my mom.

 

 

And no matter what I call her about or what she called me about, she continued to harass me to marry Mina for a another year until even today.

 

 

“Youngjae. Youngjae.” my brother sounded annoyed.

 

 

“Yes?” I mumbled.

 

 

“How would I know what’s going on if you don’t talk to me?” he asked.

 

 

I stayed silent.

 

 

“It’s been a year since I came back and you won’t talk to me at all?” he asked.

 

 

“I do talk to you.” I quickly said.

 

 

“I mean about what happened.” he said.

 

 

A long silence passed.

 

 

“Mom and dad have been saying things and even-“

 

 

“Hyung.” I stopped him.

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

“I’m gay.”

 

 

“Hey-“

 

 

“That’s what you've wanted to know...right?” I asked.

 

 

“You...dont say that.” he said.

 

 

“I’m saying the truth.” I mumbled.

 

 

“No...just that one guy right? They’ve said his name before. Jaebum?”

 

 

I froze, almost forgetting I was driving.

 

 

“What have they been saying?” I quickly asked.

 

 

“Just stop by okay? You missed Chuseok and now it’s already the new year and she misses you.”

 

 

“Right. I’m coming.” I sighed. There was no use fighting with him or my mom. If I didn't go I would get a call from her too.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“Are you going to talk to me today?”

 

 

“I don’t know...” I mumbled.

 

 

I didn’t want to talk. I am never going to talk to him about it. I am never going to talk to anyone else about it.

 

 

Jr hyung suddenly talking about it yesterday made me realize just how much I can’t talk about. It so easily made me cry when I got home yesterday night.

 

 

JB hyung is married.

 

 

I guess when I was forcing it on him to get married with a girl...to get married with Jinhee...I didn’t think about just how much I didn’t want him to get married with anyone.

 

 

Anyone but m-

 

 

“Youngjae.”

 

 

“Y-yes. I’m still here.” I quickly said.

 

 

“You hate me?” my brother suddenly asked.

 

 

“What?” I almost stopped the car for the second time. “What are you talking about hyung?”

 

 

“Do you hate me?” he asked again.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“For all the years I wasn’t here for you as a older brother...” he mumbled.

 

 

I sighed, staring hard at the road.

 

 

“It doesn’t matter now hyung...” I replied. “...you’re back now.”

 

 

The silence came.

 

 

As much as I was awkward with Mark hyung the first time I met him, it’s even a more worse awkward with my brother. There’s nothing we can talk about because we didn’t grow up with each other past me being in elementary school.

 

 

He rarely called when he was abroad.

 

 

And the first few times I tried to contact him when I was old enough to, he didn’t reply to any of my calls.

 

 

I gave up on ever thinking we could rebuild our relationship. I always thought I would never see him again and that he would stay abroad forever.

 

 

He went to an American school to study for four years. After those years I don’t know how he survived abroad, but he never came home to see me once.

 

 

“I don’t blame you hyung...” I mumbled. “Maybe I would take the same opportunity if I were you.”

 

 

Another silence passed.

 

 

“Youngjae.”

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

“I love you.”

 

 

“What....” I made a face. “What are you suddenly saying? It’s so strange.”

 

 

He laughed and I listened to it, slowly smiling.

 

 

No matter what has happened I can’t ever say that he’s not my older brother.

 

 

“No. No. I mean in a family way. I love you as my younger brother idiot. Don’t pull me into that.”

 

 

I stopped smiling.

 

 

The silence passed again.

 

 

“I didn't mean that.” he suddenly said. “No. I mean-“

 

 

“It’s ok. At least now you know right?” I asked.

 

 

He didn’t answer.

 

 

“You’re so old now hyung. Where’s your girlfriend? You don’t even have a wife?” I asked.

 

 

“There’s a lot about me that you don’t know. But it’s ok because this is about you and not me.” he suddenly said.

 

 

His words confused me.

 

 

“When I first heard them talking about it I didn’t think it was true...”

 

 

I tightened my hold on the wheel.

 

 

“I didn't think...how could you- maybe I didn’t understand it then.” he said. “I still kind of don’t understand it really now but...but...”

 

 

A silence passed.

 

 

“I mean I’ve done some things against their wishes too, and I won’t give up on what I want to do because they tell me not to do it.” he said.

 

 

“What...that’s what got you sent to Mokpo.” I laughed.

 

 

“Maybe.” he replied.

 

 

“Now you try getting sent to Mokpo too.” he suddenly said.

 

 

“Huh?”

 

 

“Stop feeling so miserable and go date someone...you'll be thirty this birthday...date some guys if that’s what you prefer.”

 

 

I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I would have never thought I would hear those type of words coming from his mouth.

 

 

“What are you trying to say?” I asked.

 

 

“I’m trying to say come see your mom so she can stop harassing me.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I laughed.

 

 

“But also don’t break yourself down and die old and alone because of someone you already let go.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I stopped laughing.

 

 

The longest silence since the beginning of the phone call happened.

 

 

“I’m almost there.” I mumbled.

 

 

“See you.” my brother replied.

 

 

Before I could say anything else he hung up, and I sat in my car driving, thinking about everything he just said to me.

 

 

It took me a long time to finally get to my parent’s house - because I moved so far away from them with the excuse of my new job, but also to have a reason to not go home.

 

 

Why would I need to when my dad didn’t talk to me and whenever my mom does she only talks about me finding a girlfriend and getting married?

 

 

I think she’s realized it herself that maybe that’s not going to happen for me.

 

 

When I was in high school I never thought of having a girlfriend maybe because I was busy or maybe I just didn’t want one.

 

 

It’s not that I liked guys either. Before meeting JB hyung I guess I never paid any attention to things like dating and being in a relationship. Part of the reason was because my parents expected so much out of me with school that I didn’t have the time to think about it.

 

 

But then I met JB hyung.

 

 

During our first year before I knew he liked me...when I think about it now I acted more like I liked him than he acted like he liked me.

 

 

During these past two years, I’ve wondered if the feelings I had for JB hyung as an older brother and friend were really because I liked him as much as he liked me back when he first confessed.

 

 

But because I never experienced liking someone for real I mistook me wanting him to rely on me, ask for my help, ask me to comfort him, as just me respecting him as someone older than me.

 

 

No matter how many times I’ve thought about it since we broke up, I still wonder what my real feelings were for JB hyung in the beginning.

 

 

And what my feelings are now 13 years later.

 

 

Even if I broke up with him - even if I’m the one that told him to go get married to someone else - even if I still believe that he will be happy with a girl - for two years it’s hurt to know that he would really be happy with someone else.

 

 

And now that he is happy with someone else, it hurts more than I would have imagined.

 

 

But Jinhee was his first love. They broke up, but they both still had feelings for each other if only a little.

 

 

So that’s why I said her name.

 

 

I said her because I’ve met her and know that even if she broke up with JB hyung at the cafe, she never really stopped liking him, and I could somehow trust her a little more to not hurt JB hyung like I was going to do.

 

 

If it were someone else I wouldn’t be able to handle not knowing if he was happy or not.

 

 

But he really married Jinhee.

 

 

So at least now I know that he could already be happy.

_____________________________________________

 

 

I parked my car far away and sat to think before I had to go to my parent’s house and listen to the same things that I don’t like to hear.

 

 

When I finally thought I was ready I continued driving and found a spot closer to the house.

 

 

Without realizing it I quickly found myself standing in front of the door and knocking.

 

 

I was surprised to see my brother standing in front of the door as if he was waiting for me ever since I finished talking to him.

 

 

“You’re here.” he said loudly.

 

 

“I’m here.” I replied, stepping inside. “I can’t stay long. I left coco at home.”

 

 

“Why didn’t you just bring her?” he asked.

 

 

I took of my shoes, glancing at him before truthfully answering.

 

 

“I’m not going to stay lon-“

 

 

“Youngjae!”

 

 

Arms wrapped around me and my mom suddenly pulled me into a hug.

 

 

“Mom.” I mumbled.

 

 

She pulled away and kissed me more than once.

 

 

“You don’t pick up my calls but you pick up your brothers?” she suddenly asked.

 

 

I sighed.

 

 

“I was at work.” I replied.

 

 

“Come on. Don’t just stand in front of the door.”

 

 

I looked at our linked hands as my brother pulled me away towards the couch.

 

 

“You’ve been so quiet ever since I came back. You know...I don’t remember you being this quiet.” he sat down next to me and nudged my shoulder.

 

 

“I’m not in elementary school anymore.” I replied.

 

 

“He’s changed so much that I don’t even know if he’s my son anymore.” my mom suddenly ran her hand through my hair.

 

 

I glanced at her and she lightly smiled.

 

 

She’s become older.

 

 

At first I thought it was because if me. Maybe it is because of me. But she looks more tired than she did two years ago.

 

 

“We’re going to have a family meal today. All four of us together.” I watched her smile wide and walk away to the kitchen.

 

 

Four of us? 

 

 

I glanced at my brother and he nodded.

 

 

“Where is he?” I asked.

 

 

“In the room.” he replied.

 

 

I frowned.

 

 

“Don’t get it wrong. He was in there before I called you to come.”

 

 

I glanced at my brother as he patted my shoulder.

 

 

He’s tried so hard for us to become brothers again. Even though he’s probably planning to go back abroad any time soon now.

 

 

“Right...” I mumbled.

 

 

“Hey. Do you still play that one game?”

 

 

“What game?"

 

 

I watched him walk away, coming back with his computer. He didn't have to show me before I quickly knew what game he was talking about.

 

 

We played games until my mom called us to help her.

 

 

We helped her until everything was finished. She even made us wash the dishes.

 

 

By the end of it all I was more tired than hungry.

 

 

“I have to leave soon.” I sat on the floor, staring at the food on the table as my brother sat and started eating.

 

 

“What do you mean leave? You just got here Youngjae. There’s so much for us to talk about.” I watched my mom put the last of the bowls of rice on the table and then leave to probably go call my dad.

 

 

It made me anxious.

 

 

Not only do we not talk, but we also rarely see each other at all.

 

 

The last time I saw him was before I left for Thailand. He didn’t talk to me then either.

 

 

Even after two years. Even after two years of doing everything they’ve asked.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

I looked up.

 

 

Even though he looked like he really wanted to eat, my brother was suddenly staring at me instead.

 

 

“Huh?” I stared at him.

 

 

“You’re thinking about dad. Don’t think about it. He’ll come around. I mean to discover your son is in that kind of relationship...”

 

 

I frowned, tightening my fists.

 

 

“Hey. I said don’t think about it.”

 

 

How can I not think about it?

 

 

“I’m not thinking about it.” I lied. “How about you? Whatever happened to that foreign woman you were dating?” I asked.

 

 

I stared as he smirked, before it quickly disappeared.

 

 

“It’s not about me.” he suddenly said.

 

 

Frustrating.

 

 

“You were gone for years. You were never there. I did everything they asked. But because I found someone I liked and they didn’t approve...” I stopped talking.

 

 

“Youngjae...” he said my name.

 

 

“It’s all my fault.” I chuckled lightly, running my hand through my hair.

 

 

I couldn’t stop thinking about the news.

 

 

JB hyung and Jinhee are really married now.

 

 

“Hey. Hey.”

 

 

I looked up at my brother.

 

 

“Have you two started eating? Wait for your dad. He’s coming.”

 

 

My mom was suddenly standing near us.

 

 

Lowering my head I sighed and lifted myself up to sit on the couch.

 

 

“Youngjae-ah, where's coco? Did you leave her at home again? She’s going to eat through all your clothes.” she asked.

 

 

“She’s not in my room.” I replied, picturing the mess coco was making. “I’m going to leave early. I need to go feed her.”

 

 

“You should have just brought her.” my mom wouldn't let it go at all.

 

 

“I couldn't. I came straight from work.” I said.

 

 

“Next time bring coco and stay the night. Your brother took your sister’s old room so your room is still-“

 

 

“It’s ok.” I quickly interrupted her.

 

 

“Hey. Choi Youngjae.”

 

 

“Ok. Ok.” I replied, staring at the food.

 

 

A short silence passed and I sighed and sat back down on the floor, picking up my chopsticks and following my brother.

 

 

I realized that it would take my dad a long time to come out. This is just because he didn’t want to see me.

 

 

“Let’s eat first. Your dad will come.” my mom finally sat and began eating as well.

 

 

She knows it well, but she tries to act like she doesn’t see that my dad doesn’t want to see or talk to me.

 

 

“Youngjae. When are you going to meet with Kim Mina again?”

 

 

I almost dropped my bowl of rice.

 

 

Mina this Mina that. She will never stop talking about something that will never happen.

 

 

“After a few dates you suddenly stopped seeing her.” she stared at me.

 

 

“I don’t want to talk about this.” I mumbled.

 

 

“What are you saying? There’s a nice and pretty girl waiting for you for so long and you don’t even call her.”

 

 

I put everything down and tried to calm myself.

 

 

Every single time I come to the house and she mentions it I get just a little more frustrated.

 

 

“You even broke off the marriage.”

 

 

“I was never going to marry her.” I quickly said.

 

 

I caught eyes with her, wondering exactly what type of face I was making since I felt a little more than angry.

 

 

Trying to force me to marry Mina, even after I told her me and Mina would never work.

 

 

There’s some things I would do for the both of them. They’re my parents. But to force me into something when they helped in forcing me out of something I didn’t want to let go.

 

 

About a year and a half ago they suddenly called the guys, suddenly told Mina to call me, suddenly started saying I was going to get married to her.

 

 

At that point I didn’t know what else to do to make them happy.

 

 

There was nothing I could do.

 

 

I already gave up so much to make them happy.

 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I mumbled.

 

 

“Mom. Just stop-“

 

 

“What has happened to my son?”

 

 

I looked up and just as frustrated as I felt, my mom looked even more frustrated as she stared hard at me.

 

 

“What have you turned into?” she suddenly asked me.

 

 

“I’m not a child anymore. I’m already thirty years old this year. I'm an adult mom.” I tried to stop her from arguing with me.

 

 

“An adult who should get married and start a family for us. Why are you choosing to do this? Hurting your father. Hurting me.”

 

 

“Mom-“

 

 

“All of those...those things you’ve done and we still see you as our son but now-“

 

 

“Mom!” I yelled.

 

 

“Hey! Choi Youngjae!” she suddenly yelled back at me.

 

 

I stared at her and she stared at me.

 

 

Holding my fists tight I sighed.

 

 

“I don’t want to argue with you. I’m tired of arguing all the time. I’m not the stupid boy who followed your every word mom. I’m not a child anymore. And I’ve done everything you asked...” I paused. “...so let me do what I want now. Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

 

 

“So you’re talking to me like this now?”

 

 

I clenched my fist tighter and released a heavy sigh.

 

 

“I’m not going to marry Mina. I’m not going to move back here. I’m just...going to do what I want now mom.” I said, staring hard at her.

 

 

“Do you understand how old you are?” she suddenly asked.

 

 

I didn’t answer her, but picked up my bowl of rice and slowly started eating.

 

 

“Fine. You don’t have to marry her. There’s many other girls out there for y-“

 

 

“Mom!” I yelled loudly.

 

 

She looked shocked. I stared up at her, my heart beating so fast. I don’t know what suddenly got into me because I was shocked at my own voice too.

 

 

“This is about that boy.” she suddenly said.

 

 

“Mom...” I ran my hands through my hair and across my face, sighing loudly. Even if I was trying to forget it. No one would let me.

 

 

Even if JB hyung is finally married and I can move on now...

 

 

No one will let me.

 

 

My own thoughts suddenly won’t let me.

 

 

“Even after all these years Youngjae what is wrong with you? It’s about that boy again right? Don’t tell me I made a mistake letting you see those boys again. You still have these disgusting thoughts-“

 

 

“Shut up!” I quickly got up, almost knocking a bowl over.

 

 

“Hey! Choi Youngja-“

 

 

“I told you this boy will never listen. The more you baby him the more he will turn like this.”

 

 

It was the sound of my dad.

 

 

“I have no words for him and you should understand that he’s turned into someone we don’t know. He’s not our son anymore.”

 

 

My heart was beating fast. My heart was beating really really fast.

 

 

“No. No. He’s our son. He’s not...he likes girls. Right? Youngjae. You’ll listen to us right?”

 

 

A hand went through my hair, my mom pulled me into a hug and she started pleading over and over again. Just like she did for the year that I lived with them, guilting me into hating myself and everything that happened.

 

 

“Mom...I have my own place. I have my own car. I have my own of everything. I’m old enough...” I mumbled.

 

 

She didn’t let me go.

 

 

“I’m not marrying Mina. I’m not going to marry anyone right now.” I pulled her away, looking at her hard. “It has nothing to do with Jaebum hyung. It’s me.”

 

 

It felt strange saying his name again.

 

 

“Choi Youngjae.”

 

 

“I’m going to go home mom. I can’t leave coco by herself for long. She's going to leave a surprise for me.” I chuckled, looking at her.

 

 

“Youngjae.”

 

 

“Don't do this to me anymore.” I stopped her.

 

 

“Choi Youngjae.”

 

 

“Maybe I am...” I mumbled.

 

 

“What are you saying?”

 

 

“Maybe...I am gay.”

 

 

Since two years ago, back in the old apartment, when my dad hit me, not only has he never talked to me since then, but he’s also never laid a hand on me.

 

 

I didn’t think he was going to anymore.

 

 

But as soon as those words left my mouth and before my mom could raise her hand to hit me herself I was grabbed from behind by the hair.

 

 

I was suddenly being pushed to the ground as my dad’s loud voice yelled over and over that no son of his would be like me.

 

 

My brother ran towards us so fast that I didn’t have time to feel the pain of my dad’s hand on me.

 

 

It took both my brother and mom to pull my angry dad off of me.

 

 

I wasn’t calm myself though.

 

 

I didn’t remember exactly what I said, but it was all something to do with how I was tired of it all.

 

 

I left my house in anger, apologizing to my mom.

 

 

Maybe she knew that that would be my last time coming over in a long time.

_____________________________________________

 

“Hyung. Youngjae hyung.”

 

 

“Youngjae.”

 

 

“Hey. Choi Youngjae!”

 

 

“Huh? Hm?”

 

 

“Are you going to play the game or not?”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“You’re so distracted. If you don’t want to play I’ll call BamBam.”

 

 

“I’m playing. I’m playing.” I quickly said.

 

 

Yugyeom stared hard at me.

 

 

“What?” I chuckled nervously.

 

 

“You’re losing. Look coco is falling asleep because you’re so boring.”

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

Yugyeom laughed and pushed me away when I tried to hit him.

 

 

“I’m not losing. I just...can’t focus.” I mumbled.

 

 

“What focus?” he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Are you hungry or something?” he suddenly asked.

 

 

“I’m no-“

 

 

“No. Wait. It’s because of Jaebum hyung isn’t it.”

 

 

I quickly looked at him, not really surprised, but my heart was beating really fast anyway.

 

 

“What...” I chuckled nervously. “What are you saying?”

 

 

“He’s back. You probably already know.”

 

 

I sighed.

 

 

“I already know. Jr hyung told me two days ago.” I said.

 

 

“Two days ago? You really don’t want to see him do you?” Yugyeom frowned.

 

 

“What are you saying? I didn’t say that.” I quickly said.

 

 

Yugyeom suddenly paused the game that I forgot we were still playing. I looked at our frozen characters then watched Yugyeom get up and walk to his bed.

 

 

“He asked me for your number.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I stared at him, my heart beating fast.

 

 

“Why did you even change it again?”

 

 

“What are you talking about?” I got up, watching coco quickly get up as well.

 

 

Laughing I picked her up and walked to Yugyeom's desk chair.

 

 

“I changed companies. I needed a new number.” I said, sitting down.

 

 

He stared at me.

 

 

“JB hyung still has his old number. He hasn’t changed it.”

 

 

“Why are you telling me that?” I asked.

 

 

“Well...why don’t you call him? I mean...why haven’t you called him. You didn’t even want to see him.” Yugyeom continued staring at me, and I continued trying to slow the beating of my heart.

 

 

“I don’t...really want to talk about this.” I sighed loudly, running my fingers through coco’s hair. She my hand and I smiled.

 

 

“Besides...JB hyung’s married now. It would be strange for me to call him.”

 

 

“You didn’t call him a year ago either. He wasn’t married then.” Yugyeom said.

 

 

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out.

 

 

I was afraid for us both.

 

 

“You felt guilty?”

 

 

That too.

 

 

“What are you saying?” I asked.

 

 

“Did you finally realize that you made a mistake and what you did was wrong?” Yugyeom crossed his arms as if lecturing me on my mistakes. He's the only one that hasn't done this since everything happened.

 

 

I stared at him, letting coco jump from my hold.

 

 

“Do you all think I made a mistake?” I asked.

 

 

“We told that to you two years ago. We couldn’t understand why you broke off with him. And we still can’t understand now.” Yugyeom said.

 

 

I continued staring at him.

 

 

“So you realized it a year ago? Or two years ago.” he asked.

 

 

I sighed and lowered my head.

 

 

“It doesn’t matter when I realized it. What’s done is done. JB hyung is married now and the only relationship we can have now is being friends. But he’s the one that said he didn’t want to be friends with me. How could I call him even if wanted to?” I quickly said.

 

 

“Why did he say that?” Yugyeom asked.

 

 

I looked at him.

 

 

“What? I don’t know everything that happened. Even if I’m your best friend you never told me what you were feeling.” he said.

 

 

I suddenly felt bad.

 

 

“Yugyeomie-“

 

 

“No one wanted it to end between you two. Who cares if your parents found out? JB hyung really liked you hyung. He still really likes you even if he won’t admit it.”

 

 

“He’s married now so-“

 

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Yugyeom quickly interrupted me.

 

 

“It does matter.” I quickly said. “It matters. The only thing we can be now is friends. He’s married. He has a happy life with Jinhee noona. I can’t ruin that.” I stared hard at him. “I won’t ruin that. No matter what I realized or what I feel.”

 

 

“JB hyung is right. You’re an idiot.”

 

 

“Hey!”

 

 

Yugyeom suddenly stood up and walked back to the game.

 

 

“If you don’t want to ruin it then stop thinking about it and let’s play this game already. You’re so obviously still in love with him that I don’t understand why you can’t just steal him from her.”

 

 

I stared at coco running circles around him, my heart beating fast.

 

 

“I won’t do that.” I sighed, standing up.

 

 

“I’ll fix it. Maybe we can be friends again. But nothing but friend can work now.” I walked up to him.

 

 

“Idiot.”

 

 

“Hey!” I hit him and Yugyeom laughed.

 

 

“Come on sit down already. I’m waiting.”

 

 

Laughing I sat next to him and focused on the game.

 

 

In the end I won and Yugyeom had to pay for food..

 

 

By the time I left his house it was late. Coco was falling asleep in my arms and I was tired too. She ran to the back seat as soon as I put her in the passenger seat, and I laughed.

 

 

“Hey! Coco-ah, am I your personal driver?” I asked her.

 

 

She barked loudly and I laughed.

 

 

“Ok. Dad will be your personal driver.” I smiled and started the car.

 

 

I was just about to move when my phone started ringing.

 

 

“Jackson hyung?”

 

 

I wondered why he was suddenly calling.

 

 

“Hey! Choi Yongjai~!”

 

 

He sounded drunk. I only knew this because he hasn’t called me by the Chinese name in such a long time.

 

 

“Hyung..." I chuckled. "Are you drunk?”

 

 

“I’m saying to stop being an idiot and come get your husband.” he suddenly yelled.

 

 

“What are you talking about hyung?” I laughed. “Where’s your girlfriend? Where are you?”

 

 

There was suddenly some loud movement and shuffling.

 

 

“Jackson hyung. Hyung?”

 

 

He hung up.

 

 

I stared at my phone for a long time.

 

 

“What is with him?” I mumbled. “He’s really drunk. I hope his girlfriend is with him.”

 

 

So I tried calling back as I drove.

 

 

But Jackson hyung didn’t pick up at all.

 

 

So I called Jr hyung.

 

 

And I found out they were together as some restaurant.

 

 

I went home with coco after refusing to join them.

_____________________________________________

 

I wonder how Jr hyung’s wife can handle him at times. The ever so persistent Jr hyung.

 

 

It’s the Friday of our gathering and I haven’t been able to forget about it because Jr hyung is so persistent.

 

 

He even picked me up this morning, and told me to wait for him after work just so I didn’t have a car to drive home.

 

 

He picked up coco and took her home because his wife wanted to see her and so I couldn’t use the excuse of leaving her home alone to leave early.

 

 

The seven of us after a long time, after years, were going to once again meet as seven at a meat restaurant.

 

 

And I didn’t have a choice, even if I was so scared, if I was so nervous, if I panicked at the thought of seeing JB hyung after two years of not seeing or talking to him.

 

 

And now he’s married.

 

 

“Youngjae. Youngjae.”

 

 

“Yes?”

 

 

“Did you pay attention to anything I’ve been saying?”

 

 

Jr hyung glanced at me, but still kept his eyes on the road.

 

 

“Did you really have to come as soon I got off work?” I asked.

 

 

“So you can run away?” he replied.

 

 

“Run away? Where to? You already took coco to your house so I wouldn’t go home.”

 

 

“You would go to your parent's house.” he said.

 

 

“No...” I mumbled.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“Did something happen?”

 

 

I sighed and leaned back, staring out of the window.

 

 

“What I did was really stupid hyung...” I mumbled.

 

 

Silence.

 

 

“What if JB hyung’s still mad at me?” I asked, playing with my fingers.

 

 

“I would be mad at you.” Jr hyung replied with pre honesty.

 

 

I slowly nodded.

 

 

“But Youngjae....”

 

 

When I turned to look at him, he was staring at me.

 

 

“If he was still mad at you he wouldn’t want us all to meet again.”

 

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

 

“I was stupid.” I mumbled.

 

 

“We all know you were an idiot.”

 

 

I listened to Jr hyung laughing and couldn’t help but laugh myself.

 

 

“I hope...I hope we can still be friends.”

 

 

He didn’t say anything. For the first time Jr hyung didn’t say anything. He didn’t say of course he will still want to be your friend or even if you were stupid it’s not something to hold a grudge over.

 

 

So as we drove to the restaurant my feelings were all over the place, and I tried thinking of a good way to truly apologize to Jaebum hyung.

_____________________________________________

 

“Hey! What took you guys so long? We’ve been waiting for a long time!”

 

 

Jackson yelled loudly when he saw us. And BamBam sat next to him laughing and already eating.

 

 

“You already ordered?” Jr hyung asked.

 

 

“We couldn't wait all day. Yugyeom and Mark are late too. Something to do with their girlfriends.” Jackson replied.

 

 

“What about yours?” I asked laughing.

 

 

“Who’s talking about me when his husband is coming tonight?”

 

 

“What...” I hit his shoulder, feeling my face go hot. “...what husband?”

 

 

I forgot it for only a second, but any moment now JB hyung would walk to our table and I would have to face what I did to him two years ago.

 

 

“She was watching a romance drama when I left. She didn’t even want to come with me.” Jackson suddenly said.

 

 

“Who would want to come to an all guys gathering? Besides it’s a meeting for the seven of us right?” Jr hyung asked.

 

 

“But it would be great if she could be here too.” Jackson mumbled.

 

 

I smiled at the expression on his face, the expression that shows that he really loves his girlfriend with all his heart.

 

 

“Where are the others anyway?” Jr hyung suddenly asked.

 

 

“I told you. With their girlfriends. I told them to hurry up and that I already ordered. Hey, Choi Youngjae.”

 

 

“Hm?” Jackson suddenly handed me a menu and asked if I wanted a lunch box.

 

 

“What kind do they have?” I looked through the menu, seeing the box I usually get, and seeing the one JB hyung also gets.

 

 

I wondered if I should order for him, but then I thought it would be too strange.

 

 

What if he doesn’t like this kind anymore?

 

 

“Hey, what’s taking you so long?” Jackson stared at me.

 

 

“Do you want more than one?” BamBam asked.

 

 

“Huh?” I looked up at them.

 

 

“I’m going to call the others.” Jr hyung suddenly said.

 

 

I nodded, staring at the menu again.

 

 

“What are you...I already know which one you like so it doesn’t matter. What are you staring at so hard?” Jackson suddenly took the menu away from me.

 

 

BamBam laughed and I sighed.

 

 

I shook my head and laughed it off.

 

 

As Jackson hyung ordered more food I sighed loudly, trying to calm myself down when Jr hyung said that Mark, Yugyeom, and JB hyung were on their way.

 

 

We ordered more food and started talking about a lot of things, mostly when we were going to take a trip together again like we made plans to do long ago but never did.

 

 

“But Jr hyung is married now, and Jackson hyung is getting married too. How can we take everyone?” BamBam asked.

 

 

“You said you were taking us to Thailand years ago already.” Jackson said.

 

 

He never forgets anything.

 

 

“I’ll take everyone. We still have to plan it. But buying everyone’s tickets is a little...”

 

 

I laughed as BamBam mumbled and Jackson pulled him into a neck hold.

 

 

“You guys haven’t changed at all.” Jr hyung mumbled.

 

 

“They’re still the same.” I agreed.

 

 

“After Jaebum hyung, next I thought Jackson and BamBam would get married to each other.” Jr hyung suddenly said.

 

 

It made Jackson suddenly get up and reach over the table for him.

 

 

I couldn't hold my laughter in.

 

 

“What...how about you and Mark?” Jackson said loudly.

 

 

“Eww...” BamBam made a loud noise and I clutched my stomach in laughter.

 

 

“Mark hyung isn’t bad, but he's not my wife.” Jr hyung said.

 

 

I watched Jackson arguing with him and focused on my lunchbox as BamBam tried to break them apart.

 

 

“How much did you guys drink? I could hear you from outside.”

 

 

His voice didn’t change at all. It sounded exactly the same as it was two years ago when I left the apartment.

 

 

JB hyung has a very unique voice.

 

 

Suddenly I could stare at nothing but the lunch box in front of me as everyone got up and greeted each other like we haven’t seen each other in years. We’ve hardly seen each other as a group but we have seen each other.

 

 

The only one we haven’t seen or talked to at all is JB hyung.

 

 

“Hey, Choi Youngjae. Why are you just sitting there? I haven’t seen you in weeks? How was the trip to Thailand?” I was suddenly pulled up into a hug and I lifted my eyes just as Mark hyung squeezed me.

 

 

He laughed and then sat next to me.

 

 

I found JB hyung sitting down in between Yugyeom and Jackson hyung, across the table from me. When we caught eyes he smiled and nodded.

 

 

I smiled back, stopping myself from stupidly waving at him.

 

 

He hasn’t changed at all.

 

 

The Im Jaebum I met years ago when I was only 18, and the Im Jaebum I left two years ago when I was 27, is still the same Im Jaebum that’s sitting across from me laughing at something Jackson hyung was doing.

 

 

The same straight black hair, with bangs so long like the curtain style he had years ago back when I was in high school.

 

 

He wasn’t wearing all of his piercings, but I noticed he was wearing his favorite pair, the silver cross pair. They have always been his favorite pair.

 

 

I watched him take off his black leather jacket and stared at his t-shirt, his wide shoulders, the two twin moles.

 

 

Im Jaebum.

 

 

“Hey. Are you paying attention?” I jumped a little as Jr hyung suddenly nudged my arm.

 

 

“Huh? What? Me?” I quickly said.

 

 

“He’s still the same.” Mark hyung said.

 

 

“He got worse at games now.” Yugyeom laughed.

 

 

“Hey! No I didn’t.”

 

 

I chuckled as they laughed.

 

 

“Of course. He’s older now. We’re all older. We wouldn’t be good at the same things we were good at back then. We're really in our thirties now. So old...” Jackson sighed.

 

 

“I’m still good at games.” I quickly said.

 

 

“Right...” Yugyeom laughed and I reached over to hit him, but when he pulled away and my eyes caught the familiar hawk eyes staring at me I quickly pulled back and sat down, my heart beating fast, and my fingers trembling.

 

 

I didn’t feel it when I caught eyes with him earlier, but all the feelings I’ve been holding in for two years suddenly rushed back and I didn’t know what to do but quickly sit down and try to stop myself from shaking.

 

 

The guys were talking about something. They talked about many things. I replied and nodded and joked with them, but I couldn’t forget who was sitting right in front of me, occasionally staring at me, making me unable to move.

 

 

Jr hyung said to make it right. He said I should come and make it better tonight, but I can't even look him in the eyes.

 

 

“I’m going to use the bathroom.”

 

 

Without looking at anyone I got up and made my way to the bathroom. I didn’t even have to use it, but I was shaking way too much for anyone to think I was calm.

 

 

All I had to do was apologize. The person I’ve wanted to apologize to all this time was sitting right in front of me and I couldn't apologize.

 

 

How can I apologize and congratulate JB hyung on his marriage when I can't even look at him properly without shaking like I'm shaking now, staring at myself in the mirror...?

 

 

“Hey. Why are you just standing here?”

 

 

More people walked into the bathroom and I decided it would be strange to continue standing in front of the mirror and staring at myself.

 

 

So I quickly left the bathroom.

 

 

I just need to calm down. Why am I so shaky? I’m sure if I just apologize I can try to make it better. JB hyung doesn’t look mad at me. It should be- 

 

 

"Jinhee! Hey, Park Jinhee!"

 

I quickly looked up towards the sound of that name and I stopped as I stared at our table.

 

 

Standing next to JB hyung was Jinhee, and standing next to her was another guy. She was hugging the other guy.

 

 

Before I could stop myself my legs moved on their own.

 

 

“What are you doing?” I said loudly, pulling her away from the other guy.

 

 

It seemed like time paused and everyone was staring at me.

 

 

I quickly let Jinhee go.

 

 

“Uh...What are you doing?” I asked again, not so loudly this time.

 

 

“What are you doing?” JB hyung suddenly asked me.

 

 

I caught eyes with him. He looked annoyed.

 

 

Suddenly I felt guilty. I didn’t even know who the other guy was. It might just be Jinhee’s friend.

 

 

Why did I...

 

 

“Youngjae. This is my friend.” Jinhee suddenly said.

 

 

I couldn't look at her. I couldn't look at anyone.

 

 

“Come on. Sit down first. Making such a scene. Everyone’s looking.”

 

 

Before I could stop him and run away from embarrassment, Jr hyung grabbed my arm and pulled me to sit down.

 

 

I kept my head lowered as I heard Jinhee say goodbye. Someone patted my shoulder, and then everyone started talking again.

 

 

“Hey. Youngjae. Why are you so quiet?”

 

 

“H-huh?” I looked up at Jackson hyung’s voice.

 

 

Even if I was still embarrassed, it was useless to just sit there quiet while everyone was talking.

 

 

“You’re so quiet. I’m missing your loud laughs.” Jackson said.

 

 

I chuckled and nodded. Years later he still makes me laugh when I’m nervous or not feeling good.

 

 

“Hyung?”

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

 

“Are you going to drink the rest of that bottle?”

 

 

I felt like everyone was staring at me again.

 

 

“Huh?” Jackson pointed to his half bottle of soju and I nodded.

 

 

“You want it?” he asked.

 

 

I nodded.

 

 

“Hey. Youngjae.” Jr hyung nudged my arm.

 

 

"We're all adult now hyung.” I looked at him and took the bottle from Jackson hyung.

 

 

“He tried some in Thailand.” BamBam suddenly said.

 

 

“It’s not like I’ve never had a drink before.” I mumbled.

 

 

“Hey, what did you do in America?” Jackson said loudly.

 

 

“There’s a lot to do there.” Mark hyung laughed.

 

 

“What...I didn’t do anything wild.” I laughed and poured myself a glass of the half bottle soju.

 

 

I didn’t look at anyone as I drank. Only two cups and I finished it.

 

 

“Ahh...it really tastes bad.” I laughed.

 

 

“You said the same thing in Thailand. Why try it again?” Yugyeom asked.

 

 

I could only laugh.

 

 

“I don’t feel so good.” I admitted.

 

 

“Are you drunk?” Mark asked.

 

 

“How can he be drunk off of a half bottle?” Jackson asked.

 

 

“Hey. Are you okay?” Jr hyung asked.

 

 

“I’m fine.” I smiled at him and nodded.

 

 

So after worrying about me and asking so many questions they started talking about something else again.

 

 

I didn’t know if I was drunk. I didn’t think I was drunk. But I suddenly just wanted to go home and be with coco.

 

 

But coco’s at Jr hyung’s place.

 

 

I let the laughing go through my ears and sighed.

 

 

That was so embarrassing. Who was that guy? Why was Jinhee here? Did she come here to see JB hyung? Why was she hugging that other guy so tightly in front of JB hyung? Is that why JB hyung looked so irritated. Is he mad at me for touching her?

 

 

I glanced at the person I was thinking about so hard.

 

 

He was laughing and pulling at Jackson hyung. He looked happy. He looked as happy as he was years ago. Not even two years ago.

 

 

It’s a long time since I’ve seen this face.

 

 

“I’m going to use the bathroom.”

 

 

I watched as Jr hyung stood up and walked away.

 

 

Glancing at JB hyung one more time I got up too.

 

 

“I’ll go to the bathroom too.” I said.

 

 

“What...? You just went. You really can’t hold it can you?” Yugyeom teased.

 

 

I chuckled and nodded, walking after Jr hyung.

 

 

It was strange to stand outside the bathroom, waiting for him, but I ignored everyone who stared at me strangely until Jr hyung finally walked out.

 

 

“Youngjae.” he looked surprised.

 

 

“Jinyoung hyung...” I mumbled his name.

 

 

“What are you doing?” he asked.

 

 

I took out my wallet and took out some cash.

 

 

“We’re splitting the bill right?” I asked.

 

 

“Yeah...?” he still looked confused.

 

 

“Here.” I put some money in his hand.

 

 

“What...why are you suddenly giving me this?” he asked.

 

 

“I’m going home.” I replied.

 

 

“Hey. What are you saying?”

 

 

“I’ll call him. I’ll call Jaebum hyung and meet with him privately. I already know we need to talk.” I looked away from him. “But not in front of everyone.”

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“Are you okay? You want me to drop you off?” Jr hyung suddenly asked.

 

 

“No. The subway is still running. I’ll take it and catch a taxi.”

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“It’s fine. I’m just really tired.” I said, looking at him.

 

 

“You’re not drunk are you? I’m worried.”

 

 

I laughed.

 

 

“I’m fine and alert. Don’t worry I’m not a kid. I’ll find my way home.”

 

 

He stared at me.

 

 

“I’m going to go home.” I said again.

 

 

“Ok. But you're going to tell everyone first.”

 

 

I looked at him and didn’t have a chance to say nothing as he pulled me back to the table.

 

 

“Youngjae doesn’t feel good. He's going to go home.” Jr hyung held my arm tightly, not allowing me to go.

 

 

“Hey. You shouldn’t have had that soju.” Yugyeom quickly said.

 

 

“No. It’s not that. I’m just sleepy.” I laughed.

 

 

“Always sleeping.” Jackson teased.

 

 

I laughed and nodded.

 

 

“So you’re going to go home? You don’t want any of us to drop you off?” Mark hyung asked.

 

 

“The subways are still running. Don’t worry I’ll get home.” I replied.

 

 

And so after convincing them more that I’m not a child and I could get home safely by myself, after glancing at JB hyung one last time, I turned around and left the restaurant.

 

 

As soon as I stepped out of the restaurant and into the busy street, cold air hit me.

 

 

I shivered and began walking towards the station, passing by drunk groups of people.

 

 

It was loud and there were too many people outside. As expected on a Friday.

 

 

The air became colder all of a sudden as I passed by all the groups of people.

 

 

When I suddenly felt a drop of water hit my hand, I stopped walking, looking up at the sky.

 

 

Maybe it’s going to rain.

 

 

The air was even colder now that I stopped walking. It went through my clothes and past my face. Even if it was cold though, it was a refreshing feeling after being inside with the heat and meat smell.

 

 

It’s nice.

 

 

“Heyyy...move out...”’

 

 

I quickly moved as another drunk person walked past me. He stumbled away and I watched him, feeling the cold air getting stronger.

 

 

I stared at the sky one more time, humming a song that suddenly came into my head, a song I’ve been writing in my journal.

 

 

It looks like it’s going to rain. I should hurry.

 

 

Breathing in the air one last time I took a step to begin walking again when I suddenly felt someone behind me.

 

 

I moved to the side, thinking it was another drunk person trying to get past, and before I could once again continue walking, the presence was behind me again.

 

 

I began turning around to see who it was when something warm suddenly pressed against my back.

 

 

I quickly stopped humming, an image of the only person who would do that popping into my head.

 

 

JB hyung?

 

 

I quickly turned around, only to have to quickly take a step back because he was standing so close to me. If I didn’t take the step back and he moved  slightly more forward, our lips would have touched.

 

 

I quickly lifted my hand and touched my lips lightly.

 

 

“Jaebum...hyung.” I mumbled.

 

 

It’s the first time the whole night I’ve said his name, that we’ve been so close to each other.

 

 

He still smelled like the same shampoo he used to use and then stopped using to use mine.

 

 

“Wha...” I stared at him, not knowing what to say.

 

 

I remember he had something to drink, only one bottle though. I also had the half bottle I took from Jackson hyung. We both didn’t say anything about it.

 

 

I felt fine, and when I left JB hyung looked okay as well.

 

 

So we both couldn’t be drunk.

 

 

“You’re not going to say a word to me?” JB hyung suddenly said.

 

 

“What?” I stared at him.

 

 

“Come on. I’m taking you home.” he said.

 

 

Before I could pull away or stop him an arm wrapped around my wrist and I was being pulled away. I didn’t have time to think at all because soon I was sitting inside a car and JB hyung was already driving, asking me where I lived.

 

 

It didn’t take long to get to my small apartment.

 

 

I couldn’t say anything as I lead the way to my door.

_____________________________________________

 

"Uhm..."

 

 

"This is a nice place, are you renting?"

 

 

If I were to ask myself why JB hyung was suddenly standing inside my apartment room and not leaving like I thought he would, I wouldn't be able to answer my own question.

 

 

But this is the case.

 

 

I stood near my kitchen and stared at Jaebum hyung as he looked around the room, stopping near me and staring at me.

 

 

"I ...pay rent." I replied, staring at the suddenly interesting floor. My heart was beating faster than it has been this whole week. It was beating like the first time I was confessed to.

 

 

Why is he here? I thought he would just drop me off and go back to the restaurant. Is he waiting for me?

 

 

I quickly glanced at him before staring at the interesting floor again.

 

 

I want to apologize I want to apologize. But...how do I?

 

 

"Hey."

 

 

I quickly looked up.

 

 

JB hyung was now sitting on the couch, still staring at me. My apartment room is so small that you can see everything so easily.

 

 

The interesting floor was not working anymore.

 

 

"I want to ask you something."

 

 

He was still staring at me of course.

 

 

"Wh..wha..yes?" I was too nervous.

 

 

The only one who can ever make me so nervous is the one sitting on my couch right now.

 

 

"What were you doing back there? Why did you suddenly grab Jinhee?"

 

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

 

That's right. I almost forgot. Why did I grab Jinhee noona all of a sudden...?

 

 

"Suddenly grabbing my wife. That was frustrating." JB hyung mumbled.

 

 

My heart was beating so fast.

 

 

"I'm sorry!" I quickly said. "I'm sorry for doing that to her. I just...I thought..." I paused.

 

 

"You thought what?"

 

 

Wasn't it strange? She was hugging someone else right next to you.

 

 

"Hey."

 

 

I quickly looked up, so scared.

 

 

"I wondered who that guy was. Right in front of you she was..." I paused.

 

 

It's really none of my business actually.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

The floor became interesting again.

 

 

"That was her friend. Besides...it's really none of your business. I was handling it on my own." he said.

 

 

I clenched my fist and slowly nodded, trying to calm myself down. My heart was beating too fast.

 

 

"I'm...sorry." I apologized again.

 

 

Another short silence passed.

 

 

"I'm....sorry about a lot of things." I admitted.

 

 

"Like what?"

 

 

When I looked at him he wasn't looking at me, but laying back on the couch, staring at the black screen of the tv.

 

 

My heart was beating fast, but I suddenly thought that if JB hyung was already sitting in my apartment room, then I knew I should go ahead and apologize. I needed to apologize.

 

 

"You're married right now hyung, and I'm not going to ruin that. I'm...happy for you...but there's something I've always wanted to say. Maybe I realized it a few months after everything happened..."

 

 

He was silent.

 

 

"Even if I thought what I was doing was right, maybe if it was right and your happy now with Jinhee noona, and you will finally have the family you've wanted...I did it...I did it wrong. I did it all wrong."

 

 

"What are you talking about?" he suddenly asked.

 

 

"I shouldn't have done it the way I did it. But...everything I did...I did it for you."

 

 

"Idiot. Shut up." he suddenly said.

 

 

"I'm sorry." I apologized.

 

 

The silence passed again.

 

 

"I'm sorry about it all. I'm sorry for breaking up with you without properly talking to to you about why I did it. I wanted for you to be happy hyung, and the only way I could think of was to let you go. You can have what you want no-"

 

 

"Hey! Idiot. I said shut up."

 

 

I quickly stopped talking, a little scared at his sudden angry voice.

 

 

My heart skipped many beats.

 

 

The silence continued for a long time.

 

 

"Umm..."

 

 

"What?"

 

 

He didn't even wait for me to keep talking.

 

 

"I'm really sorry." I apologized again.

 

 

He didn't say anything.

 

 

"You're...not going back to the restaurant?" I finally asked what I was curious about.

 

 

But he still didnt reply to me.

 

 

Running my hand through my hair I sighed.

 

 

"I'm going to go take a shower." I mumbled.

 

 

He still didn't say anything.

 

 

I decided maybe when I left to go take a shower, that he would leave. So I left to go take a shower, and I even made it a really long shower, thinking about what else I could say to apologize the next time I saw JB hyung. But there was nothing else to say.

 

 

If JB hyung didn't want to forgive me, he didn't have to.

 

 

I thought that he would surely leave. I thought when I walked back into the kitchen to get some water before I went to sleep, JB hyung would be gone.

 

 

Instead when I walked out of my room and towards the kitchen, the same person was sitting exactly where he was sitting when I left.

 

 

"Jaebum..hyung..." I mumbled, staring at him. I was really surprised.

 

 

"Hear that?" he suddenly asked.

 

 

I couldn't move.

 

 

"The thunder." he said. "I can't drive in this weather. It's raining too hard."

 

 

Even if I could hear the loud rain and thunder, I knew that he could drive in the weather because he's done it so many times before in the past. But seeing JB hyung leaning back on my couch suddenly brought so many memories. 

 

 

Even if he could leave, I didn't want him to leave. At least not so soon.

 

 

"I'm going to use your shower." he suddenly stood up.

 

 

"Uh..umm..."

 

 

"What?" he looked at me and I quickly looked away.

 

 

"You..you're staying over?" I asked.

 

 

"Can't I?" he stared at me.

 

 

My heart was beating really fast, my fingers almost trembling.

 

 

Why are you so nervous?

 

 

"Hey..."

 

 

"Um...I haven't done any laundry. I don't have any extra towels." I quickly said.

 

 

"I'll just use yours." he said.

 

 

I watched him walk past me. Then I heard doors open and close before the sound of the shower filled the apartment room.

 

 

I panicked as I got some water and rushed to my room.

 

 

He's staying over. JB hyung is staying over. What do I do? I don't know is he's okay sharing a bed. We used to but...

 

 

I felt my whole body go hot.

 

 

No...he's married now, and we're not in that type of relationship anymore. We're not even friends...I dont think. He doesn't look like he forgives me.

 

 

I sat on my bed listening to the sound of the shower for a long time.

 

 

When it finally turned off I quickly got in bed and moved close to the wall, pulling the covers over me, practically over my head.

 

 

My heart was beating fast as I waited.

 

 

I didnt know exactly what I was waiting for, but soon my door opened and closed.

 

 

I closed my eyes tight as I heard the sound of footsteps.

 

 

"I brought your towel back."

 

 

I couldn't reply, trying to calm my shaking body.

 

 

"I'm going to borrow some of your clothes."

 

 

I still couldn't reply, but I could hear JB hyung going though my things, looking for something to wear. Then when he finally found something, I listened to  him putting it on.

 

 

After this, silence filled the room for a long time, until I suddenly felt something.

 

 

Why is he just standing there?

 

 

Nothing touched me, but instead I could feel eyes on me.

 

 

I wanted to open my eyes, turn around, and ask him why he was staring at me, but no mater how much I told myself to just do it, I couldn't do it. 

 

 

I could feel JB hyung staring at me so hard that it made start to get nervous again.

 

 

I waited a long time. I didn't know what he was waiting for and I didn't know what he wanted me to do, but soon I became tired of just laying there and not saying anything, so I opened my eyes, surprised at the darkness of the room.

 

 

When did he turn the lights off?

 

 

"You...you're staring." I mumbled.

 

 

He didn't say anything.

 

 

Instead suddenly I felt the bed move and the blanket around me lift up.

 

 

"Move over a little." JB hyung suddenly mumbled.

 

 

Without thinking I scooted as close to the wall as I could.

 

 

"This bed isn't like the one I had before. It's too small for this." I said, flinching as arms wrapped around me. He suddenly scooted so close behind me that I could feel his breath on my neck.

 

 

Too close.

 

 

"So warm." he suddenly said.

 

 

I stayed still, my heart beating so fast and loud. I wondered if he could hear it.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

"Hyung...did you hear me? It's really hot." I mumbled.

 

 

Another silence passed. He didn't move at all.

 

 

I decided to try and fall asleep, even though it was so uncomfortable.

 

 

But soon I remembered something.

 

 

If JB hyung is still the same Jaebum hyung I’ve always known, he isn't going straight to sleep.

 

 

"It's...been a long time."

 

 

The sound of his sudden voice near my ear made me open my eyes. My heart started beating even faster suddenly.

 

 

I didn't know what to say.

 

 

Throughout the whole night we haven't talked about us much. We haven't talked at all about the relationship we used to have.

 

 

He’s already married now, so I didn't think we would talk about any of it.

 

 

I also didn't think he would suddenly also forcefully stay over my apartment.

 

 

Shouldn’t he be going home to Jinhee? Did he call her? She must be worried.

 

 

All of a sudden he moved. I couldn't feel the heat on my back anymore, but JB hyung was still laying besides me.

 

 

"You don't know what to say?" he suddenly asked.

 

 

I really don't. What should I say? What is there to say?

 

 

"It's been what? Two years?" he suddenly asked.

 

 

Yeah...two years. Maybe he’s gone through the same things I've been through...but he's married now. He has a happy life now and will have children and will make his parents proud. This is exactly all that I wanted for him.

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

I flinched.

 

 

I could already feel the sting in my eyes.

 

 

I wondered how long exactly has it been since I last cried because of everything that happened.

 

 

"Youngjae." he said my name again.

 

 

I couldn't reply still.

 

 

"I heard you were going to get married." he suddenly said.

 

 

Huh? Who told him?

 

 

"I'm not going to marry her." I quickly replied, getting a little angry once again that my parents tried to force me into it even until a few days ago.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

"Actually, I never thought I would see you again. I heard you went abroad. You went a lot of places.”

 

 

I didn’t reply.

 

 

“I also heard that you didn't want to see me."

 

 

“That’s not true.” I quickly said.

 

 

“Right.” he said.

 

 

Where did he hear something like that? Why wouldn’t I want to see him? I wanted to see him. I wanted to see him every single day. But he said he couldn't be friends with me. What could I do if I suddenly regretted everything I did, but knew he had already moved on and was probably living a better life? I couldn't bother him. I didn’t want to do that after all I did to leave him just so he could have a better life.

 

 

I kept silent.

 

 

"Don't get silent now."

 

 

I closed my eyes.

 

 

"Youngjae!"

 

 

I was suddenly turned over and I opened my eyes. Even through the dark the light from my window allowed me to see the expression on JB hyung's face.

 

 

"Did you forget it all already?" he asked.

 

 

"We can't do this hyung." I mumbled. "You're married now....why are you doing this?" I asked.

 

 

"I'm not." he suddenly said.

 

 

I stared at him, confused at his reply.

 

 

“I’m not doing anything.” he lifted his hands from my shoulder and moved away from me just a little. “I can’t run after you all my life.” he suddenly said. “But even if you didn’t want to see me. You wanted to run after me too right?”

 

 

I wondered what he was talking about when I suddenly felt something warm touch my hand.

 

 

Suddenly a finger trailed across my hand and towards my wrist where Jaebum lifted my bracelet just a little before I quickly pulled my hand away, realizing what I was wearing.

 

 

“Even when you're going to sleep you wear it.”

 

 

I felt my face go hot.

 

 

A short silence passed where I didn’t know what to say.

 

 

“Even if I told you not to give any of it back, you still gave everything back to me.”

 

 

My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t have to think about it, I knew what he was talking about.

 

 

“I’m married now just like you wanted me to be.” he said.

 

 

I tightened my fist.

 

 

“Do you think I’m happy?” he asked.

 

 

“Why wouldn’t you be happy?” I quickly asked him. “You wouldn’t have married her if you weren’t happy.”

 

 

“Maybe I listened to you-“

 

 

"Why listen to me? Hyung you’re an adult. You’re older than me. You can do whatever you want. You don’t have to listen to what I say or follow what I do. You don’t owe anything to me. I’m the one that messed up. I’m the one that should have thought of your feelings more. From the very beginning I was so stupid and didn’t think about anyone’s feelings. I-"

 

 

The lamp light on my desk besides my bed suddenly and the room illuminated in bright orange and yellow.

 

 

"What are you-"

 

 

A hand grabbed my wrist and suddenly JB hyung was sitting on top of me.

 

 

I stared wide eyed, frozen, my body not able to move.

 

 

What is he suddenly doing? 

 

 

“Hyung...” I mumbled.

 

 

JB hyung stared so hard that I was forced to close my eyes.

 

 

“Get off...please...” I mumbled.

 

 

A short moment passed, but he finally got up.

 

 

Then another short silence passed.

 

 

“When you suddenly left, you know it was worse than when Jinhee didn’t come to the cafe that day and broke up with me through a message.”

 

 

“I’m sorry.” I quickly apologized.

 

 

“I tried thinking about why you breaking up with me felt worse than when she did.” he said.

 

 

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” I continued apologizing.

 

 

“Why do you think?” he asked.

 

 

“Why do I think what?” I asked.

 

 

“That the feeling of you leaving was worse than with Jinhee?”

 

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

 

Why? I don’t know. I didn’t promise anything. Did I promise anything? I promised I wouldn't give back the things he gave to me. I promised myself not to ever hurt him. But in the end I did...

 

 

“Youngjae.”

 

 

Slowly, I got up, not able to look him in the face. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed loudly.

 

 

“In the end there’s nothing to do hyung. There’s nothing I can do but apologize and hope you forgive me.” I said, shaking nervously.

 

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

 

“Uh...um...I’m really sorry.” I apologized again.

 

 

Something warm and soft suddenly touched my hand and slowly pulled it away from my hair.

 

 

When I looked up hawk eyes stared back at me strongly.

 

 

Now there were a different pair of hands in my hair, running through my hair and pushing my hair back behind my ear.

 

 

My heart was beating fast as we stared hard at each other.

 

 

And then JB hyung slowly started moving towards me, his hands still in my hair.

 

 

Just before warm lips touched my own I moved my head, my heart beating so fast.

 

 

What is he doing?

 

 

Before I could ask, my head was turned back.

 

 

Heart beating so fast, my body and hands shaking, sweating so much, worried about a lot, I forcefully closed my eyes as warm lips landed on my own.

 

 

I instantly tensed up, almost forgetting how to properly kiss, almost forgetting how I kissed JB hyung two years ago.

 

 

But it all quickly came back. It came back so fast and so hard for us both that soon I was being pushed back and I felt something slide in my mouth.

 

 

Tongue.

 

 

Instantly I moved away.

 

 

We were both breathing hard, staring at each other.

 

 

I was surprised that JB hyung suddenly slipped his tongue into my mouth.

 

 

And as soon as he lowered himself and started kissing me again I quickly stopped him again, not because of the kiss itself, but realizing just what we were doing and exactly why we couldn’t do it.

 

 

We both breathed hard again, staring at each other. Even if I pushed him back, JB hyung wouldn’t get up.

 

 

“We...can’t...” it came out almost as a whisper.

 

 

He lowered himself again, so that I was forced to turn my head away from him again. Even if I didn’t want to turn away, even if I wanted to continue whatever we were doing and whatever it was going to do-

 

 

We couldn’t.

 

 

“Jaebum hyung...” I pushed him again.

 

 

“You’re really going to stop me?” he asked.

 

 

I quickly turned my head so we stared at each other again.

 

 

“We...can’t...” I said again, staring at him.

 

 

“I want to.” he suddenly replied.

 

 

“You...you’re married...” I quickly said.

 

 

He just stared down at me.

 

 

“You’re drunk. Maybe we’re both dru-“

 

 

Lips landed on my own before I could stop him. Arms wrapped around both my wrist and JB hyung pulled my arms away from his chest and down on the bed.

 

 

He was suddenly being so rough.

 

 

He kissed me so hard so that I lost myself and kissed him back.

 

 

All through this I couldn't stop thinking about Jinhee, images of her crying years ago flashing through my mind. But when I tried, and I tried fighting with all my strength, JB hyung wouldn’t let me go no matter what I said or what I did.

 

 

He was acting different, very different.

 

 

I couldn’t pull my wrists away from his hold as he started rubbing on me. He rubbed and rubbed until the familiar feeling came below my lower stomach.

 

 

“Stop. Stop. Hyung...it’s...I’m...cu-“

 

 

I didn’t get to say anything else. First because it really came. I really came. With my eyes and hands tightened and lips on my own, kissing me so passionately that I couldn't kiss back, I came, breathing loud and hard.

 

 

“Idiot Youngjae.” Jaebum whispered in my ear.

 

 

“I’m...an idiot...” I mumbled back. “...I’m sorry.”

 

 

I was breathing hard, trying to calm myself down. I could feel JB hyung’s breathing against my own cheek.

 

 

I wanted to stay that way. I wanted to hug him and stay in the same position for a long time.

 

 

But-

 

 

Quickly I pushed him up and didn’t miss his surprised face.

 

 

Without saying anything I got up from the bed, ran to my closet for some new pants, and rushed out of the room, breathing hard, my heart beating so fast.

 

 

What did we just do? 

 

 

With my hand shaking hard, I took care of my problem and changed my pants.

 

 

I don’t know how long I was in the bathroom but there was a sudden knock on the door.

 

 

“Come out.”

 

 

I walked to the door and opened it.

 

 

“Come on.”

 

 

I silently followed behind JB hyung and back to my room, where he stood to the side and waited for me to get on the bed.

 

 

“Isn’t it too small? I can sleep on the couch.” I quickly said.

 

 

“Get on.” he simply replied.

 

 

With my heart beating fast I moved forward, only to quickly stop.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“We can’t.” I quickly said.

 

 

A short silence passed as I ran a hand through my hair, then turned around quickly to face him.

 

 

“We can’t do anything else that will hurt Jinhee’s feelings. I won’t do anything that will hurt her.”

 

 

I stared hard at JB hyung and he stared back at me.

 

 

I dated him for ten years. I know when he’s in that kind of mood. I know when he wants to do something. But we’re not in that kind of relationship anymore. And he’s married.

 

 

“I won’t touch you.” he suddenly said.

 

 

“Promise?” I quickly asked.

 

 

“You don’t trust me?” he asked.

 

 

“I do...but you...changed.” I mumbled.

 

 

“You too.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

“If it was the you back then you would let me do whatever I wanted right?” he suddenly asked.

 

 

“I’m...not the me back then.” I quickly replied, taking a step back.

 

 

How can he suddenly scare me like this?

 

 

“You’re not.” he replied.

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

“What? You still don’t trust me?” he asked.

 

 

“It’s not about trust.” I quickly said.

 

 

“Then what?” he asked.

 

 

“That look.” I quickly said.

 

 

He stared at me.

 

 

“I know that look...if you want to do something then go home.”

 

 

He suddenly started laughing.

 

 

I’ve missed this laugh.

 

 

“You really did change.” he mumbled.

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

“I said I won’t touch you.” he said again.

 

 

Staring at him a little longer, I sighed loudly and nodded before getting on the bed.

 

 

“I don’t know why you want to sleep on here together. It’s really too small.” I said, laying down and watching him lay down besides me.

 

 

We were laying on our backs, staring at the ceiling for a long time.

 

 

“You can turn off the light now.” I yawned, turning so my back was facing him.

 

 

The lamp light turned off and I sighed and closed my eyes.

 

 

“Since when did you start drinking?”

 

 

“What?” I opened my eyes.

 

 

“Jackson’s bottle.”

 

 

“I don’t know. I still don’t like drinking...but I suddenly wanted to. You had one too.” I mumbled.

 

 

“It’s not like I always hated drinking. I didn’t do it because of you.” he suddenly said.

 

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

 

“You still like to say embarrassing things hyung...” I mumbled.

 

 

He didn’t reply.

 

 

“Hyung? Jaebum hyung?”

 

 

Is he asleep? So fast?

 

 

I stared into the dark for a long time before closing my eyes, a smile on my face as I fell asleep.

 

 

I didn’t know if JB hyung forgave me, but I was just happy that after two long years I could see him again.

_____________________________________________

 

When I woke up the next morning JB hyung was gone.

 

 

I didn’t expect him to stay actually. How could a married man stay over at someone else’s house when his wife was waiting at home?

 

 

So I got ready, found something to eat, and went over Jr hyung’s house to pick up coco.

 

 

After ignoring questions from Jr hyung and telling him that if me and JB hyung are to start talking again, we could only be normal friends, he didn’t fail to point out the mark on my neck.

 

 

And I was so ashamed when I returned home and there really was one of those hickeys on my neck.

 

 

That day I remembered all the things JB hyung did in the past, thinking that even if he has changed and is more aggressive and forceful now, it’s not like he wasn’t that way in the past.

 

 

The Jaebum I met in the past was exactly aggressive and forceful, but above that he was even more only a cute hyung who loved cats very much.

 

 

That day I sat in my apartment playing with coco and thinking so many things about Im Jaebum.

 

 

And the next day and next day, even until the weekend passed and the work week began without a word from him, I still couldn't stop thinking about Im Jaebum.

_____________________________________________

 

“I really thought I brought it with me today. I think I left it sitting on my table. I hope coco didn’t chew into it.”

 

 

“Hey. If she did we would have a problem.”

 

 

I laughed as my co-worker slung his arms around my shoulders and tickled my sides.

 

 

“What’s with you? You're are always so clingy.”

 

 

“What’s with that shampoo? You always smell like a girl you know Youngjae?” he started sniffing my hair and I tried pulling away when a sudden familiar voice calling my name made me lift my head.

 

 

I didn’t have time to say anything when my co-worker was suddenly pulled away from me. I didn’t miss his shriek of pain.

 

 

“Jaebum hyung!” I yelled loudly, grabbing his arm and pulling him away.

 

 

I watched my co-worker holding his arm in pain.

 

 

I knew he was in pain even without asking.

 

 

“What are you doing?” I turned around to ask JB hyung but when I saw his glare I took a step back, a little scared.

 

 

“Who the heck is this guy?” my co-worker asked.

 

 

“Who are you?” JB hyung asked.

 

 

“Wait. Wait.” I held my hands up, standing in between them, both older than me and looking like they wanted to fight.

 

 

“I’ll grab the paperwork hyung. Wait out here.” Quickly I grabbed JB hyung’s arm and pulled him with me to my door.

 

 

“I’ll be right back hyung.” I pushed JB hyung into my room and closed the door, rushing to my room to get the paperwork on my desk.

 

 

Rushing past an angry JB hyung sitting on the couch and holding coco, I quickly went outside and handed the paperwork to my co-worker, trying the best I could to answer his questions about who JB hyung was.

 

 

When he finally left I sighed and went back inside, standing at the door for a few moments before walking to the angry looking JB hyung.

 

 

I stood near the couch staring at him.

 

 

Why is he so angry?

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

I jumped, surprised.

 

 

“Yes?” I mumbled.

 

 

Playing with coco, without even looking at me, he asked a strange question.

 

 

“Who was that guy?”

 

 

“Huh?” I stared at him.

 

 

“Who was that guy?” he asked again.

 

 

He sounded even angrier.

 

 

“What? That was my co-worker. I was supposed to bring some paperwork to work today but I forgot it. He was just coming with me to get them.” I replied.

 

 

“It’s a Friday night.”

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

“We stopped by somewhere to eat after work with a group of others. He’s the one that handles that paperwork. He needed it as soon as possible. Why are you so angry?” I asked.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“Wh...What? I don’t understand why you’re suddenly like this. So strange...” I mumbled. “Wait...why are you suddenly here?” I asked, realizing that he was standing in front of my door when we arrived.

 

 

“I forgot something.” he suddenly replied.

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

“Your watch?” I asked.

 

 

“You found it?” he looked at me.

 

 

“Of course. It’s the one I gave you. Mine doesn’t work anymore so I threw it away.” I replied.

 

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

 

“I’ll go get it for you.” I said, leaving to my room where I tried to calm myself down before walking back to him.

 

 

“Here.” I reached out my hand and JB hyung stared.

 

 

“Hey.” he suddenly said.

 

 

“Wha...what?” I laughed nervously.

 

 

“That guy was really your co-worker?” he asked.

 

 

“What? What else could he be?” I asked.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“JB hyung-“

 

 

“Who else have you dated since we broke up?”

 

 

My heart skipped a beat as I stared at him.

 

 

“Wait...” I mumbled. “You think...you think he was my...ah no!” I said loudly. “...that’s strange. That’s really strange.” I quickly said.

 

 

“So you haven’t dated anyone since we broke up?” he asked.

 

 

“Why are you suddenly asking all of this?” I asked.

 

 

“Just answer.”

 

 

My heart was beating fast as I stared at him playing around with coco.

 

 

Sighing I looked away from him, running my hand through my hair.

 

 

“Mina.” I mumbled.

 

 

I could feel him staring at me.

 

 

“Kim Mina.”

 

 

“You dated her?” he asked.

 

 

“We went out a few times.” I replied.

 

 

He was silent.

 

 

“I...wanted to make my mom happy then. It was a long time ago, a few months after everything happened.”

 

 

“How about now? She was the one you were going to marry?”

 

 

“I told you I’m not marrying anyone right now. Who even told you that? It was all in the past. I haven’t dated anyone else...” I mumbled, staring at the floor.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“Why does it even matter?” I mumbled.

 

 

“Why?” he suddenly asked.

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

“Why haven’t you dated anyone else?” he asked.

 

 

“Huh? Why? What do you mean?”

 

 

He was staring at me so that I had to look away.

 

 

“Why are you being like this?” I mumbled.

 

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

 

“How can I date anyone else if...if...”

 

 

“If what?”

 

 

“I couldn’t forget about you.” I admitted.

 

 

A very long silence passed.

 

 

“I told you. I already know I made a mistake. All I’m asking is for you to forgive me now. We don’t have to be friends if you don’t want to. I just want to apologize.”

 

 

The silence continued only until a hand wrapped around my wrist and I was suddenly pulled forward and into a kiss.

 

 

I heard coco barking as I quickly pulled away. 

 

 

“What are you doing? You said you wouldn’t-Jaebum hyung!”

 

 

Coco barked and ran after us as I was pulled into my room, but before she could come into the room with us JB hyung closed the door and I heard her barking as I was pulled to the bed, being kissed again.

 

 

“Stop! Stop!” I pushed him away before he could get a stronger hold of me. Then I slipped from under him and got up.

 

 

JB hyung sat on the bed, his hand going through his hair, breathing loudly as he stared at nothing.

 

 

I was breathing hard myself as I took a step back.

 

 

“You said you wouldn’t do anything.” I quickly said.

 

 

“Last time.”

 

 

“What are you saying hyung you’re married.” I quickly said.

 

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

 

“Don’t do this. Don’t do this to Jinhee noona.”

 

 

The silence continued.

 

 

I slowly walked to the door and opened it for coco, who came running in and towards JB hyung. I watched her barking at him and sighed before picking her up and sitting on the bed.

 

 

“I said I already know when you want to do something...you...you know Jinhee noona is your wife. You...can do stuff like this with her.”

 

 

He suddenly laughed and I sighed again and let coco jump from my arms. Then I fell back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

 

 

“You know hyung...” I mumnled. “...even if I wanted to date someone else you...you can’t stop me.”

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“I’m not saying I’m dating anyone right now but-“

 

 

“You won’t date anyone.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I flinched as he grabbed my hand, and then all of a sudden I could see his face.

 

 

“JB hyung.”

 

 

He suddenly kissed me again.

 

 

“I’m saying to wait and listen to me-“

 

 

“No.” he said.

 

 

I stared at him, surprised.

 

 

“Why?” I asked.

 

 

“Because I want to do this.” he replied.

 

 

I couldn't move as he leaned down closer and closer until warm lips once again touched my own.

 

 

A hand slipped into my shirt all of a sudden, and I grabbed his wrist.

 

 

“Don’t fight me.” he suddenly whispered in my ear.

 

 

I loosened my hold on his wrist and felt his hand moving all around my chest, squeezing some places, trailing a finger down my sides, many things that used to tickle but now...

 

 

“Hyung...I can’t...” I mumbled.

 

 

While doing all of this once again he was rubbing on me.

 

 

I still had my work clothes on.

 

 

“Ok. Ok. But first let me change. Let me shower. Let me-“

 

 

“No.” he suddenly said, moving his kisses down to my neck.

 

 

“You can’t-" I tried pulling away again when he suddenly bit me.

 

 

“Don’t.”

 

 

In the most obvious place once again.

 

 

Another hickey.

 

 

“We can’t...”

 

 

I knew we couldn’t. I didn’t want to continue because we couldn’t.

 

 

But JB hyung rubbing on me, he wouldn’t stop. He was kissing me everywhere. I felt that uncomfortable feeling in my lower stomach.

 

 

“Stop. Think...about Jinhee noo-agh..”

 

 

I was flipped over, my upper body falling on the bed as he pulled my lower body up.

 

 

This position I became so familiar with two years ago.

 

 

“JB hyung!”

 

 

My pants slid down my legs.

 

 

“We can’t!” I yelled.

 

 

I felt him. Something hard. I felt it touch me. That place.

 

 

“Stop!” I yelled.

 

 

He stopped, suddenly letting me go.

 

 

I slid down onto the bed and covered my face in the sheets.

 

 

A very long silence passed.

 

 

“Jinhee noona.” I mumbled, breathing hard.

 

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

 

“Don’t...don’t you feel guilty at all? I asked.

 

 

“You’re in pain?” he asked.

 

 

And suddenly I felt the ache in my lower stomach once again.

 

 

“It doesn’t matter...even...even if we could do this...I don’t have anything to...I don’t know where I put my...” I paused again, the memory of the night at the hot springs coming back.

 

 

That night we were both so out of it and didn’t all without preparing anything.

 

 

It hurt.

 

 

“I’m sorry.” he apologized.

 

 

“Don’t apologize...” I mumbled. “...not to me.”

 

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

 

“Because I want to...to do this too...” I admitted.

 

 

A short silence passed.

 

 

“With you...I want to but...you know why we can’t.”

 

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

 

“At least let me help you.” he suddenly said.

 

 

“What? No. I’ll do it myself.” I quickly said.

 

 

“Then do it.” he said.

 

 

“JB hyung-“

 

 

“Come on.”

 

 

He turned me around and we were sitting face to face so close, my legs around his, just like how we did it when we first started.

 

 

JB hyung grabbed a hold of my hand and wrapped it around us both. Even if I wanted to stop him again I couldn't. We both needed it.

 

 

I started moving my hand before he wrapped his around mine, but once he wrapped his around mine we went at the same pace.

 

 

I hid my face with his shoulder and listened as my name was called out a few times. Then we kissed.

 

 

I tightened my eyes and called his name a few times as well, before it came.

 

 

For us both.

 

 

JB hyung squeezed me tight into a hug and we tried to catch our breaths.

 

 

I remember we took a shower after this.

 

 

We didn’t take it together.

 

 

After that I played with coco while JB hyung looked around for some food.

 

 

I didn’t think he was going to stay over but he really did again, and even if I should have forced him to leave, maybe took Jinhee’s number and called her to apologize-

 

 

I didn’t.

 

 

We fell asleep side by side on my small bed with coco laying in between our legs.

_____________________________________________

 

"Hyung. Jaebum hyung."

 

 

I watched him slowly open his eyes. In his face I could see the expression of anger and annoyance.

 

 

The same old Jaebum.

 

 

"You're finally awake. Did we switch sleeping habits? You wouldn't wake up at all." I chuckled as the annoyed expression on his face changed when he probably realized where he was.

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

I smiled and nodded.

 

 

"I made some breakfast. I thought I would let you sleep in but I don't know if you have work or anything."

 

 

He stared at me, making my heart race like in the past.

 

 

But now it's different. We're not a couple anymore.

 

 

"I'll wait for you to-"

 

 

"Wait."

 

 

I stared at him.

 

 

"Come here."

 

 

I watched as he suddenly patted the space next to him on the bed. I was confused.

 

 

"Hey. I said come." he said.

 

 

Why?

 

 

I wanted to ask, but even if it's been so long I'm still rather obedient to JB hyung's words. It's why he stayed over and slept in my bed yesterday night, and the other night. It’s why I let him-

 

 

I stepped forward and he suddenly reached his hands out as if pulling me into a hug.

 

 

I stared, surprised this time.

 

 

"Come here. Once more." he suddenly said.

 

 

I stared and he sighed and sat up, suddenly pulling me into his arms.

 

 

"Let's have a proper hug." he said.

 

 

My heart was beating so fast. I was so nervous and my hands were shaking already.

 

 

"What are you-"

 

 

I quickly realized what was going on and tried to pull away, but strong arms wrapped tightly around me and suddenly I felt myself falling.

 

 

"You're going to get hurt." I quickly said as I landed on JB hyung's chest.

 

 

"I won't." he replied as his arms got tighter around me. I could feel both his arms strong on my back. I couldn't move so I laid my head in between his shoulder and neck.

 

 

"I missed this smell." he suddenly said.

 

 

My heart. It hurts.

 

 

I couldn't breath. It was suddenly too hot.

 

 

"Hyung please..." I tried lifting myself up but he just tightened his arms around me more.

 

 

"Please let me go." I said, trying to get up again but he was holding me really tight.

 

 

"I can't breath." he loosened his hold just a little for me to breath.

 

 

"It's hot."

 

 

He didn't reply.

 

 

"Jaebum hyung."

 

 

He still wouldn't reply.

 

 

I sighed and relaxed. Moving around so much and struggling to get out of his hold made it hotter and harder for me to breath.

 

 

A long silence passed.

 

 

I closed my eyes, thinking again about the ten years I spent with the guy who was holding me so tightly.

 

 

"Youngjae. I still love you."

 

 

I stiffened, not knowing what to say.

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

My heart was beating so fast. I wondered if it was possible for me to die just then.

 

 

The guy I spent ten years with, the only person I've had special feelings for in my whole life until now, even now how is it still possible?

 

 

The sudden image of JB hyung's brother yelling about how disgusting it is for two guys came into my head. The sudden image of Jinhee and what we did yesterday night came into my mind.

 

 

"Stop this. We're both men. What we did...Jinhee...” I stared at the pillow, my eyes watering as I felt the strong arms once again tighten around me.

 

 

"I can't help it. Even after all these years." he mumbled in my ear.

 

 

He moved slightly and just like the embarrassing words he said about missing my smell, I could smell that familiar shampoo in his hair, the shampoo I spent ten years with, the shampoo that held me gently every time we slept together.

 

 

The shampoo I've missed for two years.

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

JB hyung started calling out my name once again.

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

"Youngjae."

 

 

"Choi Youngjae. I still love you."

 

 

My heart felt like it stopped as arms tightened around me.

 

 

The water in my eyes escaped.

 

 

A long silence passed.

 

 

“But...you’re married.” I whispered.

 

 

“I’m not.” he replied.

 

 

I tried pulling away but he wouldn’t let go.

 

 

"Don't-"

 

 

"It was all a lie." he said.

 

 

I froze.

 

 

"You still love me." he said.

 

 

My heart beat fast.

 

 

"You never stopped liking me and I still feel that same way." arms tightened around my waist.

 

 

“What are you saying?”

 

 

“Jinhee knows about us. I told her. That guy you saw last week with her, that’s her real husband.”

 

 

“What are you saying?” I asked again.

 

 

“That what you did was stupid, and I’m still mad at you no matter how many times you apologize.”

 

 

My heart was beating really fast. I didn’t know what to say.

 

 

It was all a lie? A joke?

 

 

I should have been angry.

 

 

“Stop telling yourself that me being with someone else will make me happy. If it were true I would be with someone else now.”

 

 

I tried to calm myself down.

 

 

But I couldn't convince myself to be angry.

 

 

I tried pulling away but JB hyung wouldn’t let me.

 

 

“Youngjae. Tell me how you feel.” he suddenly said.

 

 

I felt my hands trembling.

 

 

“If you don’t tell me, there’s nothing I can do.” he said.

 

 

"Jaebum." I called out, and suddenly the strong hold on me left.

 

 

I lifted myself up slightly, locking eyes with the guy laying under me.

 

 

“What do you want to tell me?” he asked.

 

 

Staring at him, my heart beating fast, my body and hands shaking, coco barking loudly in the background.

 

 

“I still love you Jaebum. I still love you and I’m really sorry for everything I did.”

 

 

Through the tears I said it and JB hyung smiled, making me smile. He laughed, and I laughed with him. He pulled me into a kiss, and I kissed him back.

 

 

"I missed you." he whispered into my ear.

 

 

"Yeah...I missed you too." I whispered back.

_____________________________________________