Call Me JB Hyung: Epilogue Chapter 8

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She was screaming loudly over and over again so that I was forced to put my phone on silent. But this didn't stop the calls, and I couldn't pay attention to anything but my phone.

 

So I turned it off.

 

JB hyung and I woke up early this morning to loud banging on our door. Who else would it be but Jaehun hyung?

 

Actually I was surprised that it was only him.

 

We didn't get enough sleep at all. JB hyung didn't tell me what time it was when he woke me up in the car because it really was only an hour of sleep before we had to get up to go to work.

 

At first we didn't hear the loud banging on the front door, but all of a sudden there was banging on the bedroom door and I woke up to yelling and screaming. Who wouldn't wake up to it?

 

When I opened JB hyung's door they were standing there. JB hyung and Jaehun hyung were standing and yelling at each other. They didn't even notice me at first.

 

They were yelling something along the lines of JB hyung had to come home, and why he pick up his phone calls, and that his parents were going to come.

 

When Jaehun hyung finally saw me I flinched at the look he gave me.

 

JB hyung just pushed me towards the bathroom, telling me to get ready for work. It's a little funny. If it wasn't for Jaehun hyung coming to our door so early in the morning then I think JB hyung and I would have both overslept and missed work.

 

But even so, until now I can't forget the look that Jaehun hyung gave me.

 

I've never felt someone's thoughts about me just from a look before. But Jaehun hyung has called it disgusting. He thinks I'm disgusting. He thinks really bad of me for pulling JB hyung into a relationship with another man. So his look didn't surprised me.

 

I walked into work late after JB hyung finally put some clothes on and pulled me out of the apartment, away from the look that made me scared. I had a strange feeling, and it was completely opposite of the strange feeling I get when I'm alone with JB hyung.

 

In the end I was late to work by more than just a few minutes.

 

After arguing with my boss I agreed to stay overtime and complete the work that the others didn't complete.

 

It was around the time of lunch when the phone calls started. I still had the look of Jaehun hyung's face clear in my head, so I didn't pick up at first. But she continued calling again and again.

 

My mom even called the work phone so that my boss forced me to take the call finally after she threatened to come by.

 

I couldn't even hear her through her anger.

 

She asked if it was true. I couldn't answer. She asked multiple times. I still couldn't answer. She yelled about how I could it to the family. How could I sabotage the name of the family? How could I ruin everything?

 

Then she wanted me to come home. She didn't want me to ever go back to the apartment. She threatened me. She asked how I could live my life and my dreams if I was doing something so disgusting.

 

I was tired of hearing the word.

 

So I hung up, turned off my phone, and told everyone at work to try to ignore the phone.

 

In the moments where she called my work phone over and over, I thought I would lose my job right then.

 

But somehow I got through the day.

 

The only other problem during the rest of the work day was that JB hyung didn't call me once. When I finally turned my phone back on after work there were no calls from him, not even a message.

 

He wasn't standing waiting for me when I was finally able to leave. I even left later than usual and still didn't get anything from him.

 

So I sat in a chair, very hurt, thinking about everything that was going to happen when I returned home. If my parents didn't come to my work, then they would be waiting for me at the apartment. Or maybe they were already there and JB hyung was dealing with it.

 

Maybe that's why he hasn't called.

 

"What's going on?"

 

When I lifted my head I was surprised to see Soojung. Throughout the whole day it was busy and we didn't have time at all. She didn't even have time to come around my desk and joke around about me and JB hyung like she does almost every day. 

 

"Hey. Are you okay?"

 

She was looking at me like she already knew. She probably already did. Even if we didn't talk at all during the work day, I did notice her occasionly look my way, especially when the phone rang loudly.

 

I sighed and ran both my hands through my hair, lowering my head just as my phone started ringing.

 

"Americano?" she suddenly asked.

 

I didn't know what to say. I was frozen. I was hurt. I didn't know what to think or what to do.

 

"I'll pay." she suddenly said.

 

"No." I quickly replied.

 

I can't make her do that.

 

"Let's talk?" she asked, and for a long time I didn't reply.

 

But finally I lifted myself up to turn off my still ringing phone.

 

"I thought you already left." I mumbled.

 

"I was late too." she replied.

 

"Ahh..." I nodded and followed her out of the clinic and towards her car.

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"What exactly happened?"

 

It didn't take long to arrive at the cafe. Surprisingly Soojung took me to the same one where I met JB hyung. It brought up old memories that didn't make me feel very good.

 

We sat down, ordered our drinks, and waited in silence for a long time until they arrived.

 

She waited for me to drink a little, play with my cup, glance at my phone a few times, and drink some more.

 

But I could tell she was getting impatient. She's always wanted for me to talk to her. It's not because she's nosy, but Soojung has always reminded me of another sister between my own sister and Jieun noona. She has always just wanted me to be happy.

 

But I've kept a lot of things from her even if she already knows exactly what is going on between me and JB hyung.

 

"You...don't find it disgusting at all?" I slowly asked, looking around the cafe. There weren't a lot of people around, but there were some that were sitting close enough to hear if I said something too loud.

 

"It depends on what you're asking." she said.

 

I glanced at her and she made a face and pointed to her drink.

 

"This drink is disgusting." she said.

 

I couldn't keep the laughter in.

 

She's added another person to the people she reminds me of. She's a mix between Jieun, my sister, and Jackson hyung.

 

I remember in the past if I was really down Jackson hyung would make a joke and I couldn't be sad anymore because he was so funny. He cheered me up even if he didn't know it.

 

I watched Soojung get up and go order another drink.

 

I sat in silence waiting for her, wondering if I should really tell her everything.

 

I needed to tell someone my feelings.

 

I needed to tell someone right at that moment.

 

And it's all already out.

 

When she came back I slowly watched her. She had a big smile on her face as she stared at her new drink.

 

"That one was really bad. Don't order it. Who makes coffee with ginseng? What was I thinking?" she made a face again and I smiled, making up my mind.

 

"I don't really care if you tell anyone right now because it's all already out." I said.

 

She was looking at me, probably confused as to what I was talking about.

 

I stared at my cup.

 

"That story I told you about my friend..." I paused. "...it was never my friend. It was always me." I looked at her.

 

She still looked just a little confused.

 

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

 

"My parents found out about us. Our parents found out."

 

She finally looked like she understood.

 

A very long silence passed.

 

"You two are dating?" she asked.

 

I nodded.

 

"For 10 years. Yesterday was the beginning of year 10."

 

The sound of surprise from her made me smile. It reminded me of everyone else who found out that we have been together for so long.

 

"Aren't you married already?" she joked.

 

I chuckled and slowly smiled.

 

A short silence passed.

 

I was waiting for her reaction. I was desperately waiting for whether or not she would call it disgusting or give approval like the guys.

 

Even if she's shown that she's into stuff like two guys being together, who knows what her reaction would be.

 

"That's amazing." she suddenly said. "Happy 10 years."

 

I looked up at her, staring at her hard as she smiled at me.

 

"What? Did you think I was going to say something else?" she asked.

 

"That it's disgusting." I said right away.

 

"But it's love." she replied.

 

I stared hard at her.

 

"No matter what others think, it's not their choice to make. If you love someone, you should pursue them. You don't choose who you love. You heart makes that choice for you. It's painful if you don't listen to your heart."

 

She suddenly sounded like a poem I've read in a famous book before.

 

"Wow." she laughed. "I didn't even think I could say these words." she said.

 

I stared at her as she giggled to herself.

 

"So your parents found out?" she asked.

 

I slowly nodded.

 

"What's their reaction?" she asked.

 

"It's why they called so many times today. I thought today would be my last day working."

 

"Let's be glad boss believed that it was a family emergency. He even offered for you to go home right?" she asked.

 

"I couldn't..." I mumbled my reply.

 

"They're waiting for you?" she asked.

 

"Something like that..." I mumbled again.

 

"They called it disgusting?" she asked.

 

I glanced at her, then at my cup, thinking about it.

 

"She wouldn't call to yell at me if she didn't think it was. She asked if it was true. I couldnt answer her." I sighed loudly. "I'm such a bad person to Jaebum hyung. I couldn't even admit it." I rubbed at my eyes.

 

"Don't cry." she suddenly said.

 

"I won't." I replied.

 

It hurt, everything hurt, but I couldn't cry. The tears were stuck in my eyes. I continued rubbing my eyes. Even if nothing came out, I couldn't stop rubbing them.

 

"Youngjae."

 

Soojung had her drink in her hands as she stared at me.

 

"...Yes?" I replied.

 

"Do you...love Jaebum?" she asked.

 

I glanced around, my heart beating fast.

 

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't." I slowly replied.

 

She didn't move or say anything, probably waiting for me to say more since I didn't directly answer her question.

 

"I never thought I would talk to you about this." I said, glancing at her.

 

"You didn't trust me?" she asked. "Even if I teased you all the time about it? Even if I believed it?"

 

"I was scared. You teased me, but I didn't know how you would react if you found out it was the truth."

 

"Is that so?" she asked.

 

I nodded.

 

"I was afraid of telling anyone. In the beginning...." I paused, looking at her. "...maybe even now..." I paused again. "....Jaebum hyung wanted to tell everyone...but I was afraid." I mumbled the last part.

 

"Afraid of what?" she asked. "People not liking it?"

 

"Not only that." I looked hard at her. "It could ruin us. It could ruin him."

 

"What could? Your relationship? But if you love him Youngjae then you shouldn't worry about that stuff. If your truly have feelings for Jaebum and want to continue being with him why don't you think of moving? There are many places that will accept-"

 

"It's not that easy." I quickly interrupted her. "Everyone says just to move but how is that so easy?"

 

She was quiet.

 

"We have our jobs." I rubbed my hand in my hair.

 

"You can find new jobs."

 

"No." I shook my head. "We have our dream jobs. We have lives that we always wished to have. We have family. We have people that care about us here. We can't just leave it all. How can we just leave it all and start all over? Do you know how long it took both of us to be where we are? I can't do that. I can't do that to him." now with both my hands in my hair I sighed loudly.

 

"So what are you planning?"

 

"Huh?"

 

I looked up and she was staring at me hard now.

 

"You don't want to do that to him, but doing what you're thinking will also hurt him Youngjae."

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

I know.

 

"So what did you want to hear from me?" she asked.

 

I looked at her.

 

"I...don't know." I replied.

 

A long silence passed.

 

"I'm glad you told me. I'm your friend. I'm older than you and can give you a lot of advice." she said. "The advice I would give is to listen to your heart. No matter what happens, don't abandon your feelings." she said.

 

I stared at my drink.

 

"Is..." I paused and looked at her. "...is that what you would do?" I asked.

 

"I'm dating a foreigner." she smiled at me. "He's from America."

 

I stared at her, surprised. She's never really talked about her life. Actually I don't know much about Soojung at all even though she knows so much about me.

 

"From the beginning I told my parents and they didn't approve. They treated him badly and it hurt him. I almost lost him Youngjae. But after listening to my own feelings I didn't." she smiled. "We've been together for two years now. He thinks I don't know, but I think he's planning to propose."

 

I slowly smiled.

 

"Congratulations." I said.

 

She shook her head.

 

"In the beginning my parents didn't approve at all, but he showed them how much he loves me. I didn't hide him or try to break up with him because they didn't approve. I thought about how it was my life and my feelings and my future. I talked hard with my parents. They kicked me out of the house for a whole year." she said.

 

I was surprised.

 

"But guess what?" she asked.

 

"W...what?" I asked.

 

"We're talking now...slowly. They realized that I'm not leaving him. I won't leave someone I love. They are trying to get to know him. They invite him to the house sometimes. I don't live with them, I live with him." she said.

 

I was shocked.

 

"Yeah, it's something else they disapproved of. They called me so many names. As if I was doing something completely disgusting." she sighed and shook her head. "I'm not preganant. I don't have a baby. I don't have any troubles. I'm living peacefully with him with no problems."

 

I think the shock showed on my face because she suddenly giggled and patted my hand.

 

"You look really shocked." she said.

 

"Ah..." I shook my head quickly. "Ah...umm..."

 

"I'm telling you this for yourself." she smiled.

 

I stared at her for a while and slowly nodded.

 

I've never ever thought she would admit something like that to me. She has a foreign boyfriend that her parents disapprove of and she's even cohabiting with him for a year.

 

"You wanted to ask me something like...if I were you what would I do right?" she suddenly asked.

 

I didn't think I wanted to ask that question, but thinking about it I really did.

 

I nodded.

 

"You have your answer." she smiled.

 

"Even if it will be hard to move right now, I would continue living with the person I love. I would try to make my family realize exactly who is willing to love and protect me." she said.

 

I felt like a little boy listening to his older sister. I never talked so much and so deep with Soojung that it made me realize just how much I respect her.

 

"I won't ask what you will do now, but think harder about your decisions Youngjae. It's going to be hard. It's going to be really hard. So think for yourself and Jaebum. Don't think about what the others tell you to do." she said.

 

A short silence passed.

 

"I know that they're your parents." she said. "Maybe because I went to school in America my mind changed and I accept more things, but I am still Korean. I'm not saying these things to change you, but to make you think. They're our parents, but we can't always live for them. You have to be happy too...understand?" she asked.

 

"Ah..." I stared at her.

 

"Just think harder about it." she said.

 

I stared hard at my cup.

 

What should I do? Why is this so hard? What will they say? What will JB hyung say? What would we do?

 

"Youngjae."

 

"Youngjae."

 

"Hey."

 

I didn't realize I was being called until I felt my shoulder shaking. When I looked up Soojung was calling out to me.

 

"Sorry..." I quickly apologized.

 

"It's ok." she said.

 

I glanced at her.

 

"Your phone." she pointed to my phone.

 

I still left it on silent, so of course I wouldn't hear it ringing. Glancing at it I quickly looked back at her.

 

"It's probably my mom." I said.

 

"It's not." she said.

 

"Huh?"

 

She pointed and I looked at my phone again, this time better. I picked it up and stared at the screen. The first call ended but the second one quickly started.

 

JB hyung.

 

"It's JB hyung." I said a little loudly.

 

"Pick it up." she said.

 

I nodded and answered the call, slowly putting the phone to my ear.

 

"Jaebum...." I paused, glancing at Soojung. "....hyung..." I mumbled.

 

"Yeah..." he paused. I could tell there was something really wrong instantly. Of course there would be something wrong. While I was sitting comfortably with Soojung ignoring it all, he was probably taking the full blow from both his parents and mine back at the apartment.

 

I didn't even think about it.

 

"Come back." he suddenly said.

 

"H...huh?"

 

"To the apartment." he said.

 

My heart was beating really fast.

 

"Hey! Choi Youngjae! If you don't come here right now-!

 

It was the sound of my mom's loud voice. I used to call it her angry voice.

 

I quickly got up without even thinking. JB hyung really was taking all the blows while I was hiding.

 

"I'm coming." I quickly said.

 

Silence.

 

"I'll be there." I said.

 

"Right." he said.

 

And the dial tone went off.

 

"I have to-"

 

"Let's go." Soojung said. She smiled lightly and got up.

 

We quickly paid for the food and left the cafe. It wasn't a very long drive, but it still felt like a really long drive. My heart has never felt like it was.It was really beating out of control.

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I don't think I've ever been so nervous and scared at the same time before. I don't think so because Soojung even offered more than once to come with me, and then she wouldn't let me leave the car for a while.

 

After I finally gathered the courage I walked slowly to the apartment, went slowly to the door, stood as I listened to the talking.

 

Then I heard JB hyung's voice.

 

His voice was like a trigger.

 

I quickly typed in the keycode and opened the door. I didn't even finish taking off my shoes when my mom appeared at the door and grabbed me by the arm. I was pulled all the way to the couch where JB hyung's parents sat, and next to them Jaehun hyung and his girlfriend were standing.

 

My dad was standing not far away. He looked angry.

 

My sister was standing next to him. She looked like she was trying to calm him down - but it wasn't working. I caught eyes with her briefly.

 

There was a very short moment of silence. It put fear in me so much that my hands trembled even more then they were, causing my whole body to tremble. I could feel sweat pouring down my face.

 

"Tell us." my mom suddenly said.

 

I couldn't look up at her. I couldn't look up at any of them. All of a sudden my socks were very fascinating to me.

 

"Choi Youngjae." she said my name loudly, but she didn't yell or scream. She was waiting for me to deny everything. She was waiting for me to say that whatever JB hyung said isn't true.

 

JB hyung.

 

I lifted my head only a little to catch eyes with him. He stared at me hard, standing in front of the tv with a hand in his hair.

 

"This type of disturbing activity will not be tolerated in my family."

 

It was the sound JB hyung's dad. I glanced at him briefly.

 

"If your son chooses to indulge in these indecent and disturbing activities he shouldn't drag my son into it as well."

 

"How is it his fault? Isn't it your own son who says he pushed him into it?"

 

My heart skipped a beat as I quickly looked at JB hyung. He wasn't staring at me anymore. He had his head lowered.

 

"Jaebum had a girlfriend before all off this. Suddenly your son shows up and shows some indecent behavior. Isn't it your son who influenced him?" JB hyung's dad said loudly.

 

"Please honey-" his mom began.

 

"No!" JB hyung's dad lifted himself up and pointed his finger at me.

 

"Don't blame Jaebum for a son who has nothing better to do with his life than seduce men!"

 

I turned quickly as my sister held onto my dad. He was angry. He fumed. He wanted to say many curse words.

 

Out of all the things I could ruin his name for it had to be a relationship with another man.

 

Finally pulling away from my sister he turned his full attention towards me for the first time since I arrived. It put fear in me. If I was trembling before I was shaking now. I could feel it.

 

I have always been slightly scared of him. Who isn't scared of their dad? Who isn't scared of their angry dad? Acting cute won't work on him like my mom.

 

But this isn't even the time to try to act cute.

 

He walked up towards me and I unconsciously took a step back. My sister was right besides him, again holding his arm, calling out for him to stop.

 

But he quickly pulled his arm away again and pushed her to the side.

 

I flinched as he came into my view.

 

"Look at me."

 

He only had to say for me to look.

 

"You're my son." he said.

 

I stared.

 

"You don't have to lie for that person standing there. You don't have to hide anything from us. Just tell us that he forced you into it and it will be okay. Tell us it isn't true and you didn't want to be in this relationship okay Youngjae?"

 

He was pleading with me.

 

He didn't want his son to turn out like me.

 

He didn't wan his son to like men.

 

Behind the look of pleading on his face he was disgusted. He was pained.

 

I ruined the family name.

 

Shaking in fear I couldn't move or speak.

 

"Choi Youngjae!" he said louder than his normal voice, but he didn't scream either. I could only flinch and shake.

 

I still couldn't move or speak.

 

How could I answer him? Lying as if I didn't have deep feelings for JB hyung. Lying as if JB hyung pushed me into the past 10 years. Lying as if I wouldn't push it all away just to be with JB hyung.

 

"Choi Youngjae!"

 

He suddenly pulled my head so I looked at him. It was like it was only the two of us in that moment. The hate in my dad's eyes is something I never saw ever in my lifetime.

 

"It began with you meeting these boys when we specifically told you not to! They made you lie and cheat and miss school! They showed you bad things and this is what we warned you about!" he yelled.

 

I stared at him in shock at what he was saying about the guys.

 

"Who else made you to this? Did you let the others do this disgusting thing to you to? What kind of-"

 

"No!"

 

It was the first time I wanted to say something so bad.

 

"Don't blame the guys! They've never done anything bad to me at all. What are you saying? They are my frien-"

 

I stopped talking because he grabbed onto my chin too hard that I had to pull away because it hurt.

 

Rubbing at my chin I looked up at him.

 

"What type of son are you? You refuse to become a doctor like we asked, you suddenly move out and live a life of disgusting behavior behind our backs, you don't come home to see your mom, and what has it all come to? You ruining the name of the family and willingly getting done by another man!"

 

I flinched.

 

"Is it true?" he suddenly asked.

 

I couldn't look away from him.

 

"Hey! This bastard of a child! Is it true?" he yelled once again.

 

I still couldn't answer. I wondered if I would faint from so much worry and nervousness.

 

"You let that guy....! My own son?"

 

He looked distressed.

 

"Why not a normal girl? Why not get married to that Jieun girl from your work? Is it that you have turned into someone we don't know?" he still looked distressed.

 

"Choi Youngjae.." he said my name softly this time.

 

"Tell us the truth." he said. "Is it true?" he asked.

 

My whole body couldn't stop moving.

 

"Don't blame him. I'm telling you that I'm the one tha-"

 

"Shut up!"

 

"Hey! Mr. Choi! My son isn't the one who let men hi-"

 

Everything happened so fast. My dad turned around so fast that I could barely grab his arm. He was yelling at JB hyung's dad. They were both yelling at each other. They were both cursing at each other, cursing at us.

 

I caught JB hyung's eyes once more for a brief second. I saw the hurt in his eyes.

 

"Dad." I mumbled.

 

"Dad!" I said louder, finally pulling him away from JB hyung's dad. His mom and brother had a big hold on him.

 

I couldn't let it get so far. Two fathers fighting becasue of something their son's have done. I couldn't let my mom see that side of my dad.

 

"Is this really true? It's true? Hey! Choi Youngjae!" my dad yelled, pulling away from my hold on him as he glared at me.

 

I flinched so hard at the sound of his voice. I've never heard it as loud or as angry as it was now.

 

"Hey!" he yelled again and I think everyone in the room flinched this time.

 

"Ye..."

 

"Hey!" he yelled again.

 

"I'm...sorry..." I glanced at him. I was afraid he was going to hit me. He looked like he wanted to hit me, but with my mom holding his arm  now he couldn't. He's never hit me before, he's never had a reason to even if we didn't really get along much in the past.

 

But now...

 

"Hey! Answer me!" he yelled.

 

"I-it's..." I didn't know what to say. I didn't know where to look or what to do. I came too late and didn't know exactly what JB hyung has said or what they've all said. They were all looking at me.

 

I became panicked

 

My body started shaking, my hands trembling and I was sweating really bad.

 

"Its not his fault! I told you that this is all-" JB hyung tried again.

 

"Shut up!" It was the sound of both our dad's, and they both glared at me.

 

"Dad...please stop this...Youngjae doesn't look-" she quickly stopped. It was my sister. She wa trying. She was trying for me - to make it all better.

 

They were both trying for me.

 

I couldn't let it happen.

 

I couldn't let JB hyung take the blame, and I couldn't let something like this come in between my dad and my sister.

 

It became so silent and I slowly lifted my head to a face I've never seen before on my dad. He was more than angry.

 

He was disgusted. Truly disgusted with me. With my feelings.

 

"It's true." I said these two words, looking straight at him and barely able to move before his free hand slapped my cheek hard.

 

If it was silent before, the silence after the sting on my cheek was even more silent. It lasted for only a few seconds.

 

I held my burning cheek, my head turned to the side from how hard I was hit.

 

I could hear my mom yelling, my sister yelling. Both of them were yelling at him. I couldn't move as suddenly there was someone next to me. I didn't register that it was JB hyung before he was pulled away by his brother.

 

Then there was more yelling.

 

I couldn't move. I was completely frozen.

 

I couldn't think. I was completely shocked.

 

Never has he ever hit me before. Never have I been hit.

 

Everything became slow as I clung my stinging cheek and stared at nothing.

 

Then it was like reality came back one by one so quickly as my arm was tugged. I was being pulled away.

 

"N-no!" I yelled, pulling away from my dad's hold. I was afraid. He was angry and he just hit me. I was afraid.

 

"Hey!"

 

"N-no..." I backed up, still holding my stinging cheek.

 

Suddenly my dad lifted his hand at me once again and my sister grabbed onto him. He pushed her back, she fell with a thump on the floor, and then JB hyung came running towards us.

 

But once again his brother grabbed him and they began arguing - his dad soon joining in.

 

My dad grabbed onto my arm and I pulled away.

 

He was so angry. He was extremely angry at me and if I didn't care about any of it, if I didn't have such deep feelings for JB hyung, I would listen and just leave with him.

 

Listening to the yelling I turned to my mom.

 

"Mom..." I mumbled.

 

She refused to look at me.

 

"I'm sorry." I apologized.

 

She didn't say anything.

 

"Let me talk to him." I slowly said, lowering my head and playing with my fingers. I waited for her answer. If she said no I would have no choice.

 

"I don't approve of this." she suddenly said.

 

I listened.

 

"From today onwards, you're going to move back home. You can't see him anymore Youngjae." she said.

 

I lifted my head to look at her. She was looking at me hard.

 

"I agree with your father's words. Arrange the apartment problems, pack your things, and your sister will wait for you down stairs." she said.

 

"Mo-"

 

"You're not our only son." She said. "But we won't allow you to lead yourself this way." she said.

 

I stared.

 

"If you understand the problems related to the family name. If you care about either me or your father you will drop this. Now."

 

I flinched.

 

She was as well angry.

 

Before I could say anything she turned around. I heard the door open and close, then my dad walked past me. It was only me and my sister as I listened to JB hyung arguing with his dad.

 

I was shocked when a warm hand suddenly wrapped around my wrist and I was pulled away.

 

When JB hyung pulled me into his room and locked the door I was unable to move from my spot standing in the middle of the room, the words from my mom going through my mind over and over as I listened to Jaehun hyung banging on the door yelling for JB hyung to come out or else.

 

I was frozen.

 

All until a warm hand suddenly touched my cheek that hurt from my dad's hit, and then the same hand slid past the forming bruise on my cheek to my chin, lifting my chin so I looked at him.

 

When I looked closer at his face I couldn't believe I didn't see something that I should have seen from the beginning as soon as I walked into the apartment and briefly caught eyes with JB hyung.

 

Just like the red mark that was most likely forming on my cheek right now, JB hyung had one of his own forming around his eye. He had one that looked like it would turn dark any time soon.

 

I wanted to cry because my dad slapped me across the face, but seeing JB hyung staring at me, his eyes watered, his body slouched, I saw that his dad did much more to him than just a slap across the face.

 

I remember he really didn't talk about his family when we first met, as if keeping them a secret would be the safest for me.

 

I'm the one that pushed to see them.

 

Well now I've seen them.

 

"Does it hurt?" he suddenly asked.

 

I glanced away for a second, not knowing what to say.

 

"I'm sorry." he suddenly apologised.

 

"No." I quickly said. "I'm sorry."

 

We both stood in silence. I could only lean into the hug as soon as warm arms wrapped around me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly. But I couldn't cry in front of him. I couldn't show him my weak side. I had to be strong for the both of us.

 

"Youngjae." JB hyung suddenly said my name and I snapped from my thoughts.

 

"I remember I left a first aid box in here somewhere. I think it's in your closet. Your face is injured." I quickly walked towards the closet looking for what I needed.

 

"Youngjae."

 

"Youngjae.

 

My arm was suddenly grabbed.

 

I found the box and quickly pulled it out before JB hyung could help me up. We glanced at each other and he let my arm go.

 

"I don't know what's going to help..." I mumbled, opening the box.

 

"Youngjae."

 

I looked up at him and we stared at each other hard.

 

"Let's talk." he said.

 

I slowly nodded.

 

We sat on the bed for a long time. The banging on the door already stopped and there were no voices from the other side.

 

We sat in silence for a really long time.

 

I don't remember who started talking first, but soon it wasn't silent anymore.

 

"What do we do?" I asked.

 

"I know what I want to do." JB hyung suddenly said. I quickly glanced at him, my heart skipping a beat.

 

"It's what you want to do." he said.

 

Giving me the choice? I don't know. I don't know what I want. What should we do? JB hyung's mom was crying. My mom...she's not happy. Our parents are furious. What should we do? 

 

"Hyung..." I mumbled.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Our relationship...it's been 10 years..." I mumbled.

 

"Yeah..."

 

"You know how I feel about you Jaebum hyung..."

 

"Yeah..." he mumbled a reply.

 

"I don't know...I don't know what to choose right now." I truthfully replied. I had so many feelings that I just couldn't think straight at all.

 

"I choose you." he suddenly said.

 

I couldn't look at him. I didn't have to look at him. He was waiting for my answer. My answer that he probably knew already. The answer that I knew already.

 

A long silence passed.

 

"You said it's 10 years already that we've been together. It's a long time right?" he asked.

 

I glanced at him.

 

"Yeah, it's been 10 years. But how come I still doubt that you like me?"

 

"What are you saying?" I quickly interrupted him, holding my fist tightly.

 

"I doubt it." he said.

 

"It's not true!" I said loudly. "Why do you keep saying it again and again. I like you Jaebum hyung. This is all happening because I like you. Why do you...why do you still think that I don't? Why did you tell them that you pushed me into it?" I asked.

 

He sighed loudly.

 

"I want to start a family." he suddenly said.

 

I turned to look at him, staring at him like he stared at me. But at this moment he wouldn't look at me.

 

He was suddenly talking about starting a family. All along I've known this is what he wants to do. All along I know JB hyung wants to start a family. He wants to have children and have lots of cats and be happy.

 

"In the future." he said.

 

These are all things that I can't give him if it's me. For those things he needs someone that can give it to him. He needs a girl. This is the only thing keeping me from yelling at him that he's wrong and that I can give him what he wants. That we should go somewhere far away and be together without any problems. JB hyung wants a family. He loves his family. He has the career he's always wanted. Who says I can ruin that?

 

Maybe he can start a family with Jinhee. At least if we can't be together I want him to be happy with someone who is his first love.

 

"With...Jinhee noona?" I slowly asked.

 

Suddenly arms wrapped around me. It surprised me to find myself in a tight hold, my cheek pressed against JB hyung's chest as I tried pulling away.

 

"What? What? What's going on? What are you doing?" I asked, still trying to pull away. He released his hold just a little and I was finally able to.

 

JB hyung stared at me for just a few seconds before he looked away.

 

Rubbing my neck I looked at him.

 

"What's...with you suddenly?" I asked.

 

"I want to start a family...with you." he suddenly said.

 

I couldn't move. I froze on the spot.

 

A family with me? Does he know what he's talking about?

 

"Ah...are you serious?" I asked.

 

Maybe he's joking. Trying to make me laugh because the mood is too serious.

 

"I am." he suddenly replied.

 

I glanced at him and he was staring.

 

I didn't know what to say. I was still frozen.

 

With me? A family? That doesn't make any sense. I can't give him a family. Does he know what he's talking about? I'm a guy. Does JB hyung understand that I'm a guy? There's nothing I can give him. I can't give him anything but hurt feelings. I...I don't want this for him.

 

"Speechless?"

 

I looked at him. He was still staring at me hard.

 

"Um...I can't help you with that." I slowly said.

 

He didn't move.

 

"I can't...give you a family. It's impossible." I frowned.

 

"It's possible." he suddenly said.

 

I stared at him confused, shocked, a mix of emotions all at once.

 

"Just like I want to marry you." he suddenly said.

 

My heart.

 

If I was frozen before I was even more frozen now. My body went cold and I couldn't feel my own heart beating. For a second I thought I fainted. But JB hyung was still sitting next to me, still staring hard at me, still not denying what he just told me.

 

He was waiting. Waiting for me to say something.

 

I didn't know what to say.

 

It's not like I haven't known. Jr hyung has said it before. Jun and Jinyoung hyung have said it before. I've heard it once before from JB hyung himself. All those times I doubted it.

 

I still doubt it.

 

"We can't get married." I stared hard at my feet, playing with my fingers, my heart beating out of its chest and my whole body shaking. "I can't give you a family and we can't get married hyung. Let's make it clear."

 

"You're the one that doesn't have it clear." he said.

 

I quickly looked at him.

 

"What are you saying?" I asked loudly.

 

"Break it off now Youngjae. I won't. I'm waiting for you to." he said.

 

I stared hard. He looked hurt. He looked really hurt.

 

"Hyung...it's impossible." I whispered.

 

"You're making it impossible."

 

"I'm a boy!" I yelled loudly, getting up and walking away from him. I flinched at the sound of the first aid box as it hit the ground. I flinched at the feeling of my heart beating so fast.

 

"I'm a boy and I can't give you anything that you want." I said, walking around the room. "This...this situation is unreal. How is this happening? What happened between us is unreal." I said, turning to look at him.

 

He had no expression.

 

Breathing loudly I started walking around the room.

 

"I knew it." he said so loudly that it shocked me.

 

I turned to him and he was smiling at me. He was smiling but he also looked angry and frustrated at the same time.

 

He started rubbing his hands through his hair over and over again. He looked liked he didn't know what to do or what to say anymore either.

 

I couldn't do anything but stand and stare.

 

I've thought about it all a lot. Even if our parents never found out. Even if we could continue to 15 or 20 years, deep inside I've always had a feeling that's kept me away from my own feelings for JB hyung.

 

JB hyung needs someone he can marry.

 

He wants someone he can marry.

 

He needs someone who can give him a family.

 

He wants someone who can give him a family.

 

He needs a life worry free of problems caused by the type of relationship we have.

 

It's not something he wants. But I know he needs it.

 

A long silence passed.

 

"Why didn't you tell me?" he suddenly asked.

 

I stared him, confused.

 

"Truthfully I don't understand you at all. You know how I feel about you. Why do you always think I'll leave you for somone else?" he asked.

 

My heart skipped a beat at his words.

 

"You think you're doing something to make me happy, but you realize that you're only doing this for yourself right?" he suddenly asked.

 

"That's not it at all!" I quickly said. "How can you say that?"

 

"Then what are you doing right now?" he suddenly yelled.

 

My heart was beating so fast.

 

"Maybe...maybe you're angry at me-"

 

"I am." he interrupted me.

 

I slowly looked at my trembling hands.

 

"I'm bad at this to be honest. Couldn't you ever tell hyung?" I asked.

 

He didn't say anything.

 

"I have a lot of things I want to say. I have a lot of things that I want to do. But...but I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't say what I think at all..." I mumbled.

 

"But you're hurting me." he suddenly said.

 

"No..." I quickly looked up at him. "No...I...our parents..." I mumbled and stopped. "No...not only that. Our future...our lives...our happiness..." I paused. "...just because of what we're doing now..." I mumbled. "...don't get it wrong..." I looked at him.

 

"I don't want to lose you hyung. When I told you I love you I really do. I still do. But we shouldn't let this continue right? Not for me. Not for you. But our family. Our mom's. Our lives. I don't want to lose you..." I continued.

 

"I want us...we can still see each other if we stop this now. I still want to be friends with you. I don't want to los-"

 

"Hey!" he suddenly yelled, making me stop talking.

 

"You think it's easy for me to suddenly just go back to being friends? After all we've done together?" he asked angrily.

 

My heart was beating so fast. I didn't know what to say at all because deep inside I knew he was right. I'm doing something that's hurting him. I'm doing something that's hurting me.

 

But...

 

Our parents...

 

Our futures...

 

I can't ruin JB hyung's future...

 

“Do you know what I’ve always liked about you Youngjae?” he suddenly asked.

 

I looked up at him.

 

What type of question is this so suddenly?

 

I continued staring at him for a while longer before I slowly shook my head no.

 

“Ask me.” he said.

 

I continued staring.

 

“What do you like about me?” I obediently asked.

 

He stared at me.

 

“Well…everything.” he suddenly said. "...anything you can name at all I've liked. I've grown to like it all. Even when you make me angry by saying things like this."

 

I stared back at him, still scared and my whole body still shaking.

 

"I've grown to only see you as more than a friend." he said. "I can only see you intimately now..." he paused. "...maybe it's easy for you, but damn if it's easy for me to only see you as a younger brother, to only treat you like a friend. It's not easy at all." he said.

 

I couldn't look at him.

 

"I don't know what makes you even think it's easy. But if you can say it...then maybe it's easy for you because you never truly wanted this from the beginning. I pushed you into it. It's ok to admit it." he said.

 

I stared at my trembling fingers.

 

Every word he just said hit every part of me in a bad way.

 

The mix of emotions were becoming too much for me to handle.

 

"To make sure I don't hurt you anymore Youngjae, I'll give you the chance to break it off with me."

 

My legs moved before I could realize.

 

I stood in front of him, staring hard at him.

 

Before I could stop myself I hit his shoulder. I hit it again and again before he finally grabbed my arm and stopped me, staring up at me as I stared down at him.

 

“Do you doubt that I love you?” he asked.

 

“…no.” I shook my head slowly.

 

“You doubt that you love me.” He suddenly said.

 

“No!” I quickly yelled.

 

He smiled and shook his head.

 

“That’s not what I’m saying-“

 

“Then what are you saying?” he yelled this, scaring me. My hands were shaking and my heart was beating so loud because I was scared.

 

I’ve never imagined this to happen. Not at all. I thought...I thought even if we couldn’t be together, that JB hyung would say yes to us still being friends. I want to still be his friend if I can’t be with him in the way we are now.

 

I just never imagined he would react this way.

 

But I don’t blame him.

 

"What I'm saying...what I'm saying..." I stopped talking and looked up at him.

 

I don't know what I'm saying. How could I think even suggesting staying friends would be possible? I know JB hyung's feelings for me. It's more than just friendship for him. From the beginning it's been this way.

 

Of course he can't just suddenly change how he feels about me.

 

"Break if off with me Youngjae."

 

I stared at him.

 

"Why-"

 

Why do I have to do it? 

 

"I can't do it because I don't want to." he said.

 

I won't want to either.

 

I continued staring at him.

 

"You...think I want to?" I asked.

 

"You're not saying you don't." he said.

 

"You think I want this?" I asked.

 

He didn't say anything.

 

Sighing I sat down on the bed next to him and ran my hands through my hair, then hid my face with them.

 

A very long silence passed.

 

"Youngjae."

 

I flinched at the sound of my sister's voice and the knock on the door.

 

"We need to go home now." she said.

 

I can't. I can't go. Not like this. I can't just leave.

 

"Youngjae."

 

The bed suddenly moved. I didn't have to lift my head to see JB hyung open the door.

 

"Youngjae."

 

My sister's voice was much clearer now.

 

I flinched when she touched my shoulder, then I finally dropped my hands from my face.

 

JB hyung wasn't in the room.

 

"Pack a little of your things and we'll come back for the rest later." a hand went through my hair.

 

I don't want this.

 

"Youngjae."

 

I don't-

 

"Youngjae."

 

A hand was wiping my cheek. I realized that my eyes hurt and my cheeks were wet.

 

I realized I was crying just as I was pulled into a hug.

 

It's been a long time since I've ever cried.

 

I wasn't fully aware what I packed exactly. I don't know when we left the apartment, and I don't remember my parents yelling at me when we got home.

 

I remember a little of my sister trying to comfort me. I remember trying more than once to call JB hyung. Then I remember calling Jun hyung and just crying when he tried to ask me what was wrong.

 

In the end I couldn't tell him what was wrong, so he told me to hang up and get some rest.

 

I did that.

________________________________________________________________________________

 

It's been a really long time since I woke up the next day from heavily crying. I remember the last time I did it was when I was just a kid and I got in trouble for not doing something my dad asked me to do. He yelled at me for the first time and I couldn't keep in my emotions.

 

But those days were such a long time ago.

 

Until now.

 

When I woke up not only did my eyes burn, but my body hurt, and my face was very puffy and big. Even after washing my face more than once, everything still stayed the same - red.

 

I dreaded going to work, but I had to.

 

My sister offered to take me, but I couldn't talk to her, rather even look at her.

 

I was more angry at myself than her, even my parents, but I couldn't convince myself to just let it all go.

 

Even before I could step into the work room Soojung suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the bathroom area.

 

"Your face..." she whispered.

 

"Ah..." I lifted my palm to my cheek and flinched.

 

Not only did was my face puffy and red, but there was a forming bruise on my cheek from being hit.

 

"You can't go in there like that." Soojung suddenly said.

 

I looked at her.

 

"How am I supposed to-"

 

"Wait here. I brought some makeup. I'll tell boss that you're using the bathroom." she said.

 

I stared at her as she lightly smiled and walked away. I wanted to thank her for not asking any questions. But thinking about it, she didn't really have to ask any questions. She probably could guess what happened.

 

I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to talk to anyone besides the person that probably didn't want to talk to me.

 

Soojung put make up on me. I think it's the first time ever I've put makeup on. I tried to say no but she made me go into the bathroom to look at how bad my face actually looked, so I agreed.

 

The work day went on after that.

 

I didn't get any calls in the beginning, but soon Yugyeom called me. After Yugyeom called Jr hyung called me. After that they all called one by one.

 

It took a long time to explain to them that I was fine and I was at work and I couldn't talk and I didn't know why my voice was strange and I didn't want to meet or talk about anything at all.

 

Jr hyung was of course really persistent.

 

He made me want to laugh.

 

I remember in the beginning when I met JB hyung and one day at his apartment he suddenly said that his friends wanted to meet me. He said that Jr hyung kept insisting to meet me. Through all these years after that I haven't really noticed how persistent he could be until now.

 

He forced me to meet with him after work.

 

So after work I waited for Jr hyung who walked in and greeted everyone like he also worked there. He made me really laugh then.

 

Our car ride was in silence. He took me to go eat meat, saying that it makes everything a little better.

 

I didn't think I was hungry, but I ate and ate and ate until he tapped me on the shoulder and told me to calm down - that I wasn't getting away from what we were there to talk about.

 

"What...what is there to talk about hyung?" I chuckled, slowing down my eating and glancing at him.

 

"You're still really bad at these things." he said.

 

I stopped eating and stared at him.

 

"Your sister called me. She was worried." he said.

 

I continued staring at him, my heart slowly starting to beat fast. I thought I could just try not to remember everything, but I couldn't.

 

"What are you-"

 

My phone suddenly started ringing and I looked down to see that it was my mom.

 

"Pick it up."

 

Staring at Jr hyung I picked it up

 

"Where are you?"

 

"Mom..." I said, looking away.

 

"Where are you?" she asked again.

 

"What? I'm eating. I'm out with Jinyoung hyung."

 

There was a long silence.

 

"Hurry up and come back." she said.

 

"Mom-"

 

"Hey! Choi Youngjae. I'm your mother. You will not fight with me. Come home now and stop this behavior."

 

I stared hard at my cup on the table.

 

"Ok..." I mumbled.

 

She didn't say anything else.

 

As I lowered the phone from my ear I sighed loudly.

 

"It brings back so many memories of the past. I remember she called you all the time because she was worried. She's going to start doing it again right?" Jr hyung suddenly asked.

 

"Not because she's worried..." I mumbled.

 

"You don't think so?" he asked.

 

"She doesn't trust me." I looked at him. "They're both angry at me and refuse to talk to me at home. She doesn't want me...she doesn't want me to see Jaebum hyung." I admitted.

 

A short silence passed. Jr hyung nodded. He was staring at something but I couldn't tell what.

 

"So..." he suddenly said.

 

I looked at him.

 

"Did you two...?" he mumbled. He didn't look like he was eager to ask me, but he looked more like wanted to know if something was true or not.

 

"They found out. Both of our parents. JB hyung and mine. They don't want us to see each other. Yesterday there was a big fight..." I looked at him. "JB hyung got hurt..." I mumbled.

 

"You got hurt too." he suddenly said.

 

I stared at him.

 

"The makeup is rubbing off." he said.

 

I quickly lifted my hand to touch my cheek and flinched.

 

"It doesn't matter about me. JB hyung got hurt by both his brother and his dad. They were really angry..." I looked at my cup again. "...I couldn't do anything."

 

"Youngjae."

 

"Hm?"

 

"Did you break up with him?"

 

The feeling I didn't want to feel suddenly came back.

 

"No..." I mumbled.

 

A long silence passed.

 

"Jaebum hyung...he wanted me to but..."

 

"What do you mean he wanted you too?"

 

"I don't know...he said he wouldn't do it...so I should..." I mumbled again.

 

"Do you want to break up with him?"

 

"What?" I looked up at him.

 

"Do you want to break up with Jaebum?"

 

"No." I quickly replied.

 

"Then there's no problem-"

 

"But there is." I quickly interrupted him. "There's a huge problem..."

 

He didn't ask me what the problem was.

 

"Our family....JB hyung's career...his life-"

 

"He doesn't care about all of that."

 

"He should." I said loudly.

 

"He has a job he's always wanted. Jr hyung don't you remember him talking about it? He even put off school for so long to pursue it. He's somewhere where he wants to be right now." I looked at him. "He was talking about marrying and starting a family...that isn't something I can do."

 

He stared at me.

 

"But Jaebum hyung...he won't...be doesn't want to understand." I played with my fingers. "I don't want to do this. He thinks I don't like him but it's not the truth. I would do anything...but...I don't want to make it hard for him. I don't want to make his life hard. It shouldn't be this way. Not because of me..." I mumbled.

 

A very long silence passed.

 

"It's hard." Jr hyung suddenly said.

 

"It is..." I mumbled.

 

"So what are you going to do?"

 

"I...don't know..." I looked up at him. "JB hyung doesn't want to talk to me right now. I don't blame him...he looked really hurt."

 

"But you're hurt too. It's not all about him Youngjae."

 

"It doesn't matter about me." I quickly said. "I just-"

 

My phone suddenly began ringing again and I didn't have to look down to see who it was.

 

We didn't stay longer there.

 

The drive to my house was in silence. Jr hyung decided to walk with me to the door and my mom didn't look happy to see him when she opened the door.

 

"Hello mom." Jr hyung said.

 

I looked at my mom who refused to acknowledge him.

 

"I dropped Youngjae off. He was hungry so I took him to get something to eat." Jr hyung said.

 

She didn't say anything.

 

"I haven't seen you in a long time and I hope you have been well."

 

"Did you know about this?" my mom suddenly asked.

 

"Mom..." I quickly said.

 

Jr hyung stared at her.

 

"This is exactly why I didn't want him to be around you troublesome kids. If it wasn't smoking or drinking you would instead teach him something like this?" she was angry.

 

"Mom..." I tried pulling her away but she pulled away from me.

 

"How could you let this happen?" she yelled at Jr hyung. "Did you know about this?" she yelled.

 

"Mom..."

 

I turned around to see my sister and my nephew walking towards us. I caught eyes with her and pleaded with her to pull my mom away.

 

"Mom that's enough." she called out to my mom.

 

"Did you know?" my mom yelled as my sister walked up to us.

 

"I did." Jr hyung suddenly said.

 

I looked at him, shocked.

 

"I knew about it. I've known about it for 10 years. But it's not my decision to control who Youngjae loves."

 

"Get out!" my mom suddenly yelled.

 

"Mom!" I yelled.

 

"Disgusting trash. Allowing this to happen. Are you the same? Pulling my son into all of this. Get out!"

 

I stared as Jr hyung waved silently, turned around, and left.

 

I watched in shock, frozen, my heart beating so fast. I was angry. I was angry at my mom for doing something embarrassing like that. I was angry at her for not even listening to me at all.

 

“Mom why did you-“

 

“I was foolish to believe they were good kids.” she suddenly said.

 

I looked at her.

 

She already had tears in her eyes and down her face.

 

“Mom...” I mumbled.

 

“How can you do this to me Youngjae? How can you do this to the family?” she asked loudly.

 

I stared.

 

"When I believed they were influencing you by smoking and drinking, I should have believed something worse."

 

"What...are you saying?" I asked.

 

"I'm saying I let my son be around boys who influenced him to like...other boys." she said it like she couldn't believe it herself.

 

"That's not true." I quickly said. “You have to let me explain.”

 

"Is it not Youngjae?" she yelled. "You're my son. You didn't have interest in the girls in your school back then but you also liked those singers on tv. I left you alone and you let another boy..." she stopped and shook her head. "It isn't right." she said.

 

I was frozen.

 

“I like girls...” I mumbled.

 

“Don’t lie. There are pictures. There are videos!” she yelled.

 

I looked up at her shocked.

 

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

 

She suddenly threw her phone at me and I barely caught it.

 

“I don’t want you to go back there. I don’t want you to see any of them ever again! If you don’t want us to kick you out...then you must listen to us!”

 

She walked away and I stared down at her phone, shaking so hard as I saw Jaehun hyung’s name. Shaking so hard as I saw a picture of me and JB hyung kissing. Shaking so hard as I pressed the video and JB hyung’s arm went slightly inside my shirt as we hugged.

 

I was horrified.

 

I remembered all the days they happened, but I never imagined Jaehun hyung would do something like record us.

 

JB hyung and I usually never do anything in public. When we were kissing it was at night time in the car, when we were hugging it was just outside our front door.

 

“Youngjae.”

 

Suddenly the phone was taken from my shaking hands and I stared at nothing as my sister pushed me to my room.

 

“Call Jinyoung and apologize.” she said, pushing me to sit on the bed.

 

I continued staring at nothing.

 

“I’m sorry.” she suddenly apologized before getting up and leaving.

 

I didn't say anything and did that, deciding that calling Jr hyung to apologize would be the best and only choice.

 

I didn't leave my room that night, and my sister brought me food when I didn't come out to eat.

________________________________________________________________________________

 

For a whole week I didn’t hear from JB hyung. I didn’t get any messages or any calls.

 

He didn’t even talk in the group chat.

 

I didn’t have the courage to contact him either for the first few days.

 

The whole week as I went to work and returned home, it felt like the two years JB hyung was gone to service and I couldn’t contact him. But this time I didn’t have an option. That time I had the option and I chose not to because we agreed to it, but this time I didn’t have a choice because he didn't want to talk to me.

 

I returned home from work one Friday night to find my sister sitting on my bed in my room.

 

Ever since what happened a week ago she refuses to return home. But I think any time now she has to go back because she has a husband.

 

We caught eyes and I nodded at her and took off my jacket, putting coco down and stretching wide.

 

I got coco just a day ago. Since JB hyung refused to talk to me and my mom banned me from going anywhere besides work, I called Mark hyung and now I have coco with me.

 

At least she makes me feel better whenever I feel like I don’t.

 

She started running around my room and I chuckled and smiled wide.

 

“Coco-ah, what are you doing? Come here.”

 

I laughed harder as she ran towards me and circled around my leg. I picked her up and patted her head.

 

“You’re really happy with her.”

 

At the sound of her voice I looked up towards my sister. She was smiling lightly, staring at me.

 

I nodded and smiled back, putting coco down once again.

 

“Hey! Don’t chew through my shirt again.” I said loudly, laughing as she ran straight towards my shirt on the floor.

 

“Youngjae.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I looked at my sister once again, and this time she wasn't smiling.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked again.

 

“Huh? I’m ok.” I smiled lightly at her.

 

She continued staring at me.

 

“I talked to mom.” she suddenly said.

 

It’s become strange in the house. My dad doesn’t talk to me at all, and even when my mom talks to me it’s just to tell me one thing. She tells me something like take out the trash, or come eat, or come cut the vegetables.

 

Other than these things she doesn’t talk to me about anything else.

 

I wondered what she talked to my sister about.

 

“About what?” I asked.

 

“A lot of things...” she mumbled. “Grandma and grandpa are coming. And I think my husband is coming too.”

 

I nodded, not knowing what she wanted me to say to that. They were all coming so we can have a family meeting about me dating JB hyung. I wouldn't be surprised if my brother was suddenly coming from abroad as well, since I've been ignoring his calls.

 

There would be no other reason for everyone to suddenly come.

 

If I didn’t have a job they would send me straight to Mokpo, somewhere far away from JB hyung. I remember back then before my older brother left for America he used to do bad things in school and so my parents sent him to Mokpo and I didn’t see him again until he was leaving to go study abroad.

 

Maybe that’s why we’re not so close. I didn’t grow up with him, but I grew up with my sister.

 

I glanced at her playing with coco.

 

“Do you think it’s disgusting?” I asked.

 

She froze, but she didn’t reply. She didn’t reply for a long time.

 

“No matter what I think, you don’t choose the person you love. Isn’t it that you just fall in love?” she suddenly said something similiar to what Soojung said before.

 

I lowered my head and stared at the floor.

 

“I talked to mom. We can go get the rest of your things from the apartment today. Why don’t you call Jaebum?”

 

Call JB hyung? But he won’t pick up to any of my calls.

 

I’ve tried more than once to call him after the first few days of not hearing anything from him, and each time I get the voicemail. Until yesterday his voice mail became full.

 

“It’s ok. Let’s just go.” I said.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

I looked up at her and she was standing now, holding coco tightly and looking at me.

 

“It’s fine. It’s my place too.” I smiled.

 

We got ready to go. I followed silently behind my sister to the car, trying to calm coco down. I couldn't leave her. No matter what she’s the only that’s making me happy in the moment.

 

We sat in silence for most of the car ride, but I knew my sister wanted to talk. I knew she wanted to talk about a lot of things.

 

“Youngjae?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I’m sorry.” she suddenly apologized.

 

“Huh? Sorry for what?” I glanced at her.

 

“For everything that’s happened.” she replied.

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

“It’s ok. It’s not your fault.” I replied, patting coco on the head. She my hand I smiled.

 

Another short silence passed. I was waiting for her to continue. I knew there was more than that that she wanted to say.

 

“I should have talked more to Jaehun. I should have done somethin-“

 

“It’s not your fault.” I said again, quickly interrupting her.

 

“It’s not your fault either.” she suddenly said.

 

I looked at her.

 

“It’s not your fault Youngjae.” she repeated again.

 

“It is my fault.” I frowned.

 

“Hey-“

 

“I can choose. I can choose to let it all go and go somewhere far with JB hyung...” I paused. These are the thoughts I’ve had for the past week we haven’t talked, but I never thought I would tell someone. “...maybe not here...but in other countries it will be ok for us...” I paused again, staring down at coco. “...but I can’t leave it all behind. Even if I don’t like what mom and dad are doing...even if I don’t want to hurt JB hyung....I’m hurting him...” I sighed.

 

“It’s a hard decision to make. It’s not your fault that you like someone that society can’t accept. It’s even hard for me to accept but I can’t see you like this either. Mom and dad will come around. Think hard about your feelings and if you want to let them go. You're happy with him...even if I can't understand this type of thing right now...I know when you’re happy. You are the most happy around him.”

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

I couldn't say anything else for the rest of the drive.

 

I panicked just a little when we arrived at the apartment.

 

 It didn't surprise me when we opened the door and it was dark. It didn’t surprise me when I the lights and no one was inside. It didn’t surprise me when I walked into JB hyung’s room to get the rest of my things and half of his things were missing.

 

None of if it really surprised me.

 

But it did make me very sad.

 

“Youngjae! Your room is on this side right?” my sister yelled loudly.

 

“It’s the only other room yeah!” I yelled back.

 

I was standing in front of JB hyung’s room. While most of my things were in my room, I did keep some things in his room since I slept in there most of the time.

 

Coco circled around my legs and then ran away. She seemed excited to finally be back in the apartment after a long time. It made me wonder if she recognized anything.

 

“Hey, are you taking the computer too?” my sister suddenly yelled.

 

The computer.

 

“JB hyung bought it for me!” I yelled.

 

“As a present?” she yelled.

 

“...I guess...” I mumbled.

 

“Youngjae-!”

 

“No! No, just leave it. I have my computer at home.”

 

“If he bought it for you as a present then why leave it? I’m going to pack it!” she yelled.

 

I sighed, staring up at his door.

 

Finally I opened it and walked inside.

 

Most of his things were of course already gone. I noticed it right away since I spent so much time in his room already. But I noticed my things were still exactly where I left them.

 

Going through my things and packing was hard. It was hard to see something JB hyung bought for me. It made me wonder if I should take it or not - just like the computer.

 

“Hey.”

 

I quickly turned around. My sister was holding a large bag in her hand, staring at me. Coco suddenly ran in the room.

 

“Are you okay?” she suddenly asked.

 

I patted coco’s head and her tail.

 

“I’m ok.” I replied.

 

“You’re just quiet.” she said.

 

I looked up at her.

 

“What are you saying? Of course I’m quiet. There’s nothing much to say.” I chuckled a little.

 

She sighed.

 

“I’m almost done in your room. How about you?” she asked.

 

I looked into the closet and sighed.

 

“I’m almost done too.” I replied.

 

“It’s really clean in here.” she looked around. “Is Jaebum really this much of a clean person. I don’t seen any of his things laying around like in your room.”

 

I watched her laughing and I chuckled with her, remembering back then when I would accidentally get up and throw my pajamas on the floor and JB hyung would scold me.

 

“He keeps his things hidden?” my sister suddenly asked.

 

I looked up at her.

 

“Not all the time...” I mumbled. “...but right now his things are gone.” 

 

“What?” she stopped laughing and stared at me.

 

“I think JB hyung packer his things before me.”

 

“He’s not going to stay here? So you two are going to give up the apartment?” she asked.

 

“We bought it.”

 

“What?” she almost yelled.

 

”Yeah..." I mumbled.

 

A short silence passed.

 

“So what are you going to do?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“What are you going to do?”

 

I stared at her for a long time, then I shrugged.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Call him.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Call Jaebum. This is serious.” she walked into the room.

 

I stared at her.

 

“Hey.” she judged my shoulder.

 

“I did.” I quickly said.

 

“Huh?”

 

I looked away from her.

 

“I’ve tried so many times to call but he won’t pick up.” I sighed.

 

She stared at me.

 

“I don’t think Jaebum is that type of person. Try again.” she said, staring at me hard.

 

“I’ll finish my stuff and call when we’re leaving.”

 

I heard her sigh and walk out of the room. All I could think was that JB hyung didn’t want to talk to me. Why should I try when he didn’t want to to talk?

 

After getting many of my things packed and in the car, we went back in the apartment and I sighed and dialed the familiar number.

 

“He’s not picking up.” I mumbled.

 

“Try again.”

 

I glared at my sister, wondering why she was so persistent. Suddenly she was like Jr hyung.

 

I sighed and dialed the number again.

 

“I know you don’t want me to be in a relationship with JB hyung either. So why are you-“

 

“Shh..”

 

“Huh?” I turned to her.

 

“Do you hear that?”

 

“Huh? What?”

 

Coco suddenly barked and I looked towards her as ny sister got up. I got up too and followed her.

 

“Why are we in here?”

 

My room was very clean. My sister cleaned everything. The only thing left were the sheets on the bed. I decided that since I rarely slept on my bed I would leave them.

 

“Call again.”

 

“What? What are you doing?”

 

I watched her walk to my empty closet and kneel down.

 

“Call Jaebum again.”

 

“He’s not going to-“

 

“Hey, I said try again.” she said.

 

“Ok. Ok.” I sighed and dialed the number again.

 

“It’s under there.”

 

Suddenly she got up and ran towards my bed. I watched her get on her knees as a familiar ringtone caught my ear.

 

“JB hyung’s phone.” I said loudly as my sister showed something familiar to me.

 

“Why was it under there?” I asked, shocked.

 

“It shows all your missed calls. It’s almost out of battery though. 10%.” she said.

 

I was too shocked to answer her.

 

I didn’t notice when she got up and walked towards me.

 

“Trust him more Youngjae. He wouldn’t just ignore your calls at a time like this.”

 

I stared at my sister as she put JB hyung’s phone in my hand.

 

I didn’t move as she walked out of my room, coco following her.

 

Suddenly I heard her yell and I ran out of my room.

 

“Jae...Jaebum hyung...”

 

I remember when we first met I thought our meeting was like something from a drama. I've changed my mind right at this moment. Seeing JB hyung standing next to my sister, his hair and clothes wet - now this is something exactly from a drama.

 

My sister began yelling about his appearance. She scolded him for going out without an umbrella, and then she left with one of our umbrella’s to get a change of clothes for him in the car - since all of his were gone.

 

It was silent.

 

I was still shocked.

 

I couldn't even pay attention to coco circling around my legs.

 

It felt like I haven’t seen JB hyung in years when it’s only been a week since everything happened.

 

It seems he was shocked too, because he didn’t move.

 

My sister came back, yelled about how hard it was suddenly raining, scolded us about why we’re just standing like statues, pushed my clothes into JB hyung’s hands, and then pushed him towards the bathroom.

 

She pulled me to sit down after, then she picked up coco, told me she would be in the car, to not worry she wouldn’t tell, and to talk it all out with JB hyung.

 

I was left in silence, holding on tightly to JB hyung’s phone.

________________________________________________________________________________

 

It didn’t take long for JB hyung to come back. I didn’t have to look to hear him walking back, remembering how wet his hair was and wondering why it was suddenly raining.

 

I could hear him stop walking as he probably saw me sitting alone on the couch - no sister, no coco.

 

I squeezed his phone tightly, staring down at it and seeing the percent until it would turn off.

 

Quickly I got up and turned to face him.

 

“Your phone is going to turn off.” I quickly said. A little too quickly. I almost didn’t hear what I said.

 

JB hyung stared at me, his wet clothes in his hand.

 

I was nervous.

 

“Umm...” I chuckled nervously. “...it’s strange that we found it under my bed right?” I asked.

 

“It fell.” he suddenly said, walking towards me.

 

I didn’t know why I flinched.

 

JB hyung walked past me and sat down. I stared at him for a few minutes before sitting next to him.

 

I thought he wouldn’t talk to me again.

 

“I was sleeping in your room for two days. I guess before I left it accidently slipped under your bed.” he suddenly said.

 

I turned to him.

 

He was folding and unfolding his wet clothes.

 

I watched him.

 

“I was going to buy a new one but I remembered I was in your room.” he said.

 

We caught eyes.

 

“So I came to look for it.” he said.

 

My heart was beating loudly.

 

“Um...it’s going to turn off soon.” I showed him his phone and he took it from me, staring at the screen, then suddenly looking at me.

 

“You called.” he suddenly said.

 

“Oh...yeah...” I mumbled.

 

A short silence passed.

 

“You don’t want to talk?” he asked.

 

“I want to talk! I want to talk!” I repeated, quickly looking at him.

 

“Let’s talk.” he suddenly said.

 

“Yes...” I mumbled. “...Let’s talk.” I repeated.

 

“Why did you call?” he asked.

 

“Why? Well...we didn’t finish talking back then right?” I asked back, staring at my feet.

 

“What didn’t we finish?” he asked.

 

I quickly looked at him, then sighed.

 

“I don’t double my feelings for you hyung. Like I’ve said many times before, you didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. I wanted to be in a relationship with you. I also have feelings for you. I don’t doubt it at all.” I looked away at my feet again. “But you have to understand why I said all those things.”

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

“You have a job that you’ve always dreamed of having...” I paused. “...you are somewhere where it will be hard to just let go and move somewhere else. You said it the last time we talked. You want a family. A family...a family is between a man and a woman. It doesn’t matter if that’s what my mom said. I believe it too. I...I’m a guy. I can’t give you a family. But I’m sure someone else can. Someone like Jinhee noona...” I glanced at him. “...or anyone else who’s a girl...” I mumbled.

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

“I can’t...I can’t let you give anything up.” I said slowly.

 

The silence continued.

 

“I can’t even think about it. I don’t want to be the reason why you can’t enjoy your lif-“

 

“Idiot.”

 

I looked at him.

 

“Idiot. You’re an idiot.” he repeated.

 

I would usually hit him straight away, but I couldn't move. Finally he was looking at me.

 

“That’s selfish of you. You're choosing all of these things by yourself but you haven’t talked to me or asked me what I think at all.” he said.

 

I looked away.

 

“It doesn’t matter. None of it matters to me. If I want to be happy the only one I can be it with is you.” he suddenly said.

 

I squeezed my hands into a fist and closed my eyes.

 

“I can always get another job. There are a lot jobs out there. Starting a family can be done with you. It doesn’t matter if it’s only the two of us. Did you forget about Jun and Jinyoung? How can they be happy if they are like us?”

 

Each one of his questions really hurt.

 

"I said something in the past. I remember it suddenly...”

 

I tightened my eyes.

 

“This isn’t what you want. You’re doing this for your parents right? You don’t want to do anything that will hurt your mom. You don’t want me to do anything that will hurt my relationship with my family right?” he asked.

 

I slowly nodded.

 

“Even before I met you my relationship with my family was a bit...”

 

“But your mom!” I quickly said.

 

A short silence passed.

 

“You can’t do this to your mom. You can’t do this JB hyung. We can’t-“

 

"What I remember...back then they wouldn't let you see me too right? I said something about it. I know you love your parents. You're a very filial son. You always listen your mom and try to make her happy. I know...but you can't live your life for them too Youngjae. Sometimes you have to listen to what you want." he said.

 

I remember something like this happening in the past. It was when they kidnapped me that night after study courses and I woke up at JB hyung's apartment and told them I was being punished for seeing them.

 

JB hyung said the same words back then.

 

But I also remember thinking that I had my parents before I met any of them.

 

It's not easy for me to not listen to their words. It’s not easy for me to believe that the relationship we have won’t affect us negatively. It’s not easy to let it all go and move somewhere far away that we won’t recognize. It’s all not easy.

 

“Make a decision Youngjae.”

 

I looked at him.

 

“What do you mean?” I asked.

 

“Choose to believe that all I care about right now is you. Or choose to believe that our relationship ship will hurt us.” he said.

 

A very long silence passed.

 

“I’m sorry hyung...” I mumbled.

 

The silence continued.

 

My phone suddenly started ringing. It was my mom.

 

I ignored it until it finished ringing.

 

“Well...umm...I also wanted to talk about the apartment...” I mumbled.

 

“That’s not what I want to talk about.” he suddenly said.

 

I stared at him, my heart beating so fast.

 

My phone suddenly started ringing once again and I quickly got up.

 

“It’s my sister.” I said, looking down at my phone. Right after the ringing stopped I got a message from her saying we needed to go.

 

“She says we need to go...” I paused.

 

He didn’t move.

 

“Actually, it doesn’t matter what you do with the apartment. I think you spent more money on it then me so you should deciede wha-“

 

Suddenly my arm was pulled and I almost fell on top of JB hyung.

 

I didn’t get a chance to react as I was suddenly being kissed. My eyes were wide, staring at him as he stared at me.

 

Soon the kiss changed. Hands were around my jaw and he kissed me deeper. I couldn’t breath, so I panicked and tried pushing him away, but he just kissed me again.

 

“What are you doing? Wait...hyung-“

 

I could barely talk.

 

I didn’t hear the sound of the doorbell. I didn’t hear the sound of the keycode. I didn’t hear the sound of coco.

 

But I heard a loud gasp and an apology.

 

I pushed JB hyung away harder, quickly standing up, my fingers on my lips.

 

It was who I thought it was. Who else could it be?

 

My sister was standing not too far away, an umbrella tight in her left hand, holding coco tightly in her right hand, and turning away so I couldn’t see her face.

 

My heart was beating so fast.

 

“Mom keeps calling me. I think it’s time for us to go. I’ll give you a few minutes.” she suddenly said.

 

I was frozen as I heard heard the front door open and close.

 

I quickly turned to JB hyung, wanting to yell at him. I was angry. He didn’t stop to listen to me and my sister even saw.

 

But I froze as soon as I saw his face.

 

“Don’t do this hyung...” I mumbled. I felt the sting in my eyes already.

 

“I...I have to go.” I quickly said, noticing my shoulder bag on the floor and remembering something I've been thinking of doing - and wondering whether or not I should do it.

 

“I want to give them back to you I’m sorry.” I sat down next to him and picked up my bag, looking inside for the things.

 

The necklace, the ring, even the watch, and I looked harder for the bracelet.

 

“Youngjae!” I heard a loud knock on the door.

 

Quickly I took the three things and turned to JB hyung. He didn’t move, so I slowly pick up his hand, opened it, and put them down, lifting his other hand to cover them so they wouldn't fall.

 

Then I stood up.

 

“I can’t find the bracelet. If I do I’ll...I’ll send it to you...” I mumbled.

 

He didn’t say anything.

 

“There were pictures of us hyung...” I mumbled. “...did you see?” I asked.

 

He nodded, then suddenly apologized.

 

“I’m sorry too.” I apologized back.

 

“You’re breaking it off with me?” he suddenly asked.

 

“I’m sorry.” I replied, looking away from him.

 

A short silence passed.

 

“I’ll go.” I said.

 

And just as I turned to leave, arms wrapped around me. It was a quick back hug before I was let go.

 

I turned to face him.

 

“Sorry.” I apologized again and lifted my bag.

 

We caught eyes and JB hyung nodded. I slowly nodded back.

 

“I’ll miss you.” he suddenly said.

 

It surprised me, but I slowly nodded and smiled.

 

“Me too hyung. I’ll miss you too.”

 

Even if it was better to say no I’ll still be around and we can still see each other and still be friends, the sad truth is that we couldn’t.

 

I couldn't see him.

 

He couldn’t see me.

 

Not even secretly because he didn’t want to be only friends with me.

 

I stood frozen.

 

"You know...in the past....you used to always say something..." I paused.

 

When he didn't say anything I continued.

 

"...you used to always say that I was like a brother to you, that I learned a lot from you..." I paused again, afraid to lift my head up, to look at him.

 

"Why...why can't it be that way anymore hyung?" I felt the sting in my eyes. I really didn't want to cry but - it was coming.

 

He didn’t reply, so I glanced at him.

 

The guy I've known since I was just 18. I've spent most of my life with him. What will my life become without him?

 

"Umm...maybe that's too selfish for me to ask." I mumbled embarrassed.

 

With my head lowered I embarrasingly bowed slightly.

 

"Thank you Jaebum hyung." I didn't know what else to say.

 

He still didn’t move, only to sit back down. I looked away from him.

 

"Smile." I mumbled.

 

My voice was strange. I already knew that I would cry as soon as I was away from him.

 

I suddenly remembered some other time when JB hyung was exactly as he was now, sitting with his head lowered and his heart probably broken.

 

That time I brought him food at his university. It was after Jinhee suddenly showed up with someone that looked like her new boyfriend and when I went home with JB hyung after that, back to his apartment, he looked like his whole world crumbled.

 

I remember giving him a hug.

 

I remember the exact words I said.

 

"Smile." I said again.

 

But this time he wouldn't look at me at all.

 

"It hurts me when you don't." I said.

 

He didn't reply.

 

"I'm sorry." I apologized once again.

 

Still no reply.

 

I picked up the rest of my things and started walking to the door when an arm suddenly wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me back. I stumbled, but then I felt something warm pressing against my back once again and something soft on my shoulder this time.

 

“Is it the family thing?” JB hyung suddenly asked.

 

“H-huh?”

 

“I said I wanted to start a family...it scared you right?” he suddenly asked.

 

I was speechless.

 

“I won’t mention it again. There. I won’t say it again. We can just be together like normal.” I felt his breath on my neck and ear.

 

My heart pounded. I was suddenly feeling afraid.

 

“Hyung-“

 

“If you don’t want that then I’ll stop saying it.”

 

“It’s not just that...” I mumbled.

 

A short silence passed.

 

I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to have to say it. But deep inside, no matter what I think about why I was doing what I was doing, deep inside I guess selfishly I was insecure about the relationship.

 

Because JB hyung wants something that only a girl can give him. It doesn’t matter if Jun and Jinyoung hyung can do it all. We are not in Japan. We are not them. It won’t be so easy for the both of us to let go of what we already have.

 

"Ok...it’s true...” I mumbled. “I didn’t want to say it but it’s true...” I paused as the arm around me tightened before JB hyung let me go.

 

We stood facing each other now. I held my bag tightly and kept my eyes lowered. But I knew I was being stared at hard. He was waiting for me to talk.

 

“I just...I don't think we have to."

 

I stared hard at my hands.

 

"Starting a family...or getting married...or having a child...these are all big responsibilities. They’re are responsibilities between a man and a woman...” I mumbled the last part.

 

“What has your mom been telling you? Did you forget about Jun and Jinyoung-“

 

“I know!” I said a little too loudly, stopping him. “I know about Jun and Jinyoung hyung...you don’t have to tell me.” I quickly said. “...but that’s not us hyung. You have to understand that that's not our life. It will be difficult for us. It won’t be easy at all this...” I stopped talking, squeezing my hands into a fist.

 

The short silence passed.

 

"I've decided. It’s only better with a girl. What you want in the future...” I mumbled.

 

He was staring so hard at me. I felt myself sweating as I stared hard at my feet.

 

"With a girl...you...can get married. You...can have children. You...can make your parents happy...” I looked up at him. “You can have the future that you want without any worries hyung.”

 

He suddenly grabbed my shoulder and pulled me towards him. I used his own shoulder to balance as we stared hard at each other.

 

I didn’t have to look in his face to see how angry he was. I could feel it. That’s why I was sweating so much.

 

"You really have these selfish thoughts?" he suddenly asked.

 

I lowered my head.

 

"Hey!" he yelled loudly.

 

I flinched, but couldn't respond. I was shaking. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to in front of him.

 

"You're really breaking it off?" he suddenly asked.

 

"Youngjae!" he yelled when I didn't respond.

 

"I...think we should stop hyung."

 

I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to just leave without really saying it. But all JB hyung has wanted is for me to say it.

 

He grabbed my other shoulder and told me to look at him. I closed my eyes quickly.

 

"Choi Youngjae..."

 

I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes.

 

"I'm sorry hyung...I'm sorry. But this...this...this it's right...between two men. It will never work. I...you should find a girl you-ugh!"

 

I stumbled as he suddenly pushed me back. My bag fell on the floor and I slowly lowered myself and picked it up.

 

A long silence passed.

 

We were both breathing hard. Another short silence passed. I took a step forward, wanting to comfort him quickly.

 

But when I grabbed his hand JB hyung pulled it away from me.

 

We stared at each other again. I was so shocked that my heart was beating even more out of control.

 

He was more than angry. He was a mix of emotions.

 

Out of all the times I've seen JB hyung angry, this was the first time where I truly felt scared. He looked like he wanted to hit me if he could. But he knew he couldn't, and he knew he wouldn’t.

 

"I don't want to.” he suddenly said.

 

It surprised me as I stared at his angry and frustrated expression. I’ve never ever seen him like this at all - like a child.

 

Well...maybe around the time he broke up with Jinhee.

 

But that was his first love. Jinhee noona was JB hyung’s first love so he was weak against his emotions even if he didn’t cry in front of me during that time. 

 

“I won't let you go.” he said so calmly again.

 

I stepped back, staring at him.

 

"Hyung yo-"

 

"Don't listen to your parents Youngjae! Whatever they said don't listen. I told you how I feel about you! Why won't you believe that you're the only one I want to be with? Why are you leaving me?" he was suddenly yelling so loudly that the front door opened once again, and I heard the sound of my sister’s voice asking if everything was ok.

 

I've never really seen JB hyung cry. I didn’t think I’d ever see him fully cry. But he sounded like he wanted to cry. He sounded like whatever I would say next would make him definitely cry.

 

So I didn’t know what to say.

 

In front of me, standing was the strong Im Jaebum I met ten years ago. The strong one driven to weakness when Jinhee noona broke up with him.

 

And then JB hyung suddenly apologized.

 

I stared at him as he ran his hands through his hair, walked around in frustration, sighed loudly, mumbled something to himself, then came back to stand near me, staring hard at me once again.

 

“Youngjae.” I heard the sound of my sister’s voice. I was too caught up in my emotions and JB hyung’s emotions to care what she heard.

 

“I don’t blame you. I've always said that you're too obedient...” JB hyung suddenly said.

 

He paused and sighed. “I know how much you love your parents and will listen to them no matter the costs.”

 

Something hurt in my heart.

 

“Youngjae.”

 

I flinched at the sound of my name.

 

“I’ll wait for you.” he suddenly said.

 

I quickly looked up at him.

 

He suddenly smiled and nodded.

 

“I’ll wait.” he said.

 

Then I’ll wait too.

 

I didn’t say it to him, but I didn’t think I needed to.

 

With the sound of my name again I fixed my shoulder bag, looked at JB hyung one last time, and walked away towards the sound of my sister and coco’s barking.

 

I put on my shoes.

 

And we walked out of the door.

 

My last time at our apartment in Gangnam.

 

My last time calling Im Jaebum - JB hyung.

 

I was leaving behind a life I built with someone I developed strong feelings for. Someone I cared for and wanted to protect. I left believing what I was doing was going to protect JB hyung from anything destroying his future and his career.

 

That was the last day.

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