Call Me JB Hyung: Epilogue  Chapter 5

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Two weeks of secretly talking to Jaehun hyung and his girlfriend - two weeks of JB hyung asking me what's wrong - two weeks of worrying about many things.

 

It's another Friday and I just got another call from Jaehun hyung. Just a few hours ago in the car ride from work JB hyung was asking me again and again to tell him what's been wrong with me.

 

I was close to telling him, but then I wondered just how close Jaehun hyung was to telling JB hyung's parents or even my parents if he hasn't already done it. 

 

I was so scared at the thought that I couldn't do it. I didn't tell him.

 

"I want to go see Nora again." 

 

I knew it all wasn't going to go good at all, but I didn't think it would affect me so much. 

 

"Hey."

 

I quickly looked up at JB hyung hyung who was shaking my shoulder. 

 

"You won't tell me what's going on. But you also won't listen to me at all." he said. 

 

I stared at him.

 

"Ah...I'm sorry." I mumbled, running my hand through my hair. If I was a little nervous around him before, for the past two few weeks it's become worse. I can't stop my shaking hands.

 

"I'm sorry." I apologized again.

 

These are my favorite words for two weeks now. There isn't a day where JB hyung doesn't ask me what's wrong and I apologize because I can't tell him what's wrong. 

 

A short silence passed.

 

JB hyung sighed and took off his hat, copying me as he ran his hand through his hair over and over again before he put it back on.

 

"Ok." he suddenly said.

 

I stared at him. 

 

"Let's go see Nora."

 

"Huh?" I continued staring at him. 

 

"You said we can right?" he asked.

 

All I could do was continue to stare, confused. So suddenly he was talking about going to see Nora.

 

"Hey!" he yelled.

 

Suddenly my hand was grabbed and I was pulled up from my seat on the couch and pulled to my room. JB hyung pulled me to my bed and pushed me to sit down. 

 

I stared up at him, even more confused and really surprised. 

 

"You...there's really something strange going on." he said, staring down at me.

 

I didn't say anything. More like I didn't know what to say. 

 

"You've become really strange you know." he said.

 

I still didn't know what to say. 

 

"Ok." he suddenly said. I heard his big sigh again for the second time. 

 

We stared at each other and suddenly JB hyung ran his hands through my hair. It confused and surprised me, just like when he suddenly pulled me to my room. 

 

"What are you doing?" I asked. 

 

He smirked and shook his head. 

 

"You're finally talking?" he asked.

 

"I'm always talking." I replied. 

 

I watched him laughing loudly as he sat next to me.

 

"Let's go see Nora Youngjae." he suddenly said. 

 

I turned to look at him and he was laying on the bed, his hat off and playing with it. 

 

Sometimes JB hyung just dries his hair and puts on a hat. When he takes the hat off his hair is really wild.

 

I couldn't stop my hand from reaching over to try to make his hair flat, but it popped up again. 

 

We caught eyes and I couldn't keep the laugh in. 

 

We laughed loudly until my sides hurt. 

 

"I want to see Nora." JB hyung suddenly said.

 

"Let's go see Nora." I replied smiling at him. 

 

He looked at me. 

 

"Are you really sure?" he asked. 

 

"Why? I don't look like I want to go see Nora?" I asked.

 

"You're allergic." 

 

"What...I'm not allergic to Nora..." I smiled at him. "...just-"

 

"It's ok." he said, suddenly getting up just to pat my hand.

 

I glanced at him. 

 

Suddenly my ear was pulled.

 

"What....what are you doing?" I touched my ear. 

 

"They're so red." he suddenly said. 

 

I stared at him. 

 

"You're nervous?" he asked.

 

I shook my head no. 

 

"Embarrassed?"

 

"I'm not." I replied. 

 

I was shocked when he suddenly kissed me.

 

"What...I'm the one acting strange?" I mumbled.

 

"Let's go." he got up and walked out of my room. I stared at the door, now feeling embarrassed. 

 

"Hey, Hurry! Hurry!" I heard him yell.

 

"I'm coming. I'm coming." I said loudly, laughing. 

 

When I walked out of my room JB hyung was sitting on the couch, staring at me. 

 

"What?" I asked.

 

"Nothing." he replied.

 

"What...you're acting strange." I mumbled.

 

"You too." he replied. 

 

I glanced at him and he was smirking.

 

"What..." I mumbled. "...you really like to stare..."

 

"Are you ready?" 

 

I turned around and he was standing up. 

 

"You're ready?" he asked again.

 

I nodded. 

 

"Let's go." he walked towards the door and I followed him. 

 

"Where does your friend live?" I asked.

 

"Huh?" JB hyung turned around and looked at me with a confused look on his face.

 

"Your friend. You said Nora is staying with your friend right?"

 

"Huh? Oh right. Not anymore. She's back at home now."

 

I stopped walking.

 

I didn't even realize until JB hyung turned around to look at me. 

 

"What?" he said.

 

"She's at your house?" I asked.

 

"Yeah. My mom picked her up." 

 

My heart was beating really fast. 

 

I knew why but I also didn't know why. 

 

"Hey." 

 

I heard JB hyung's voice and I looked up at him. He was standing with his arms crossed.

 

"What is it?" he asked.

 

"She's with your parents?" I asked again. "At your house? With your mom..." I mumbled this last part.

 

He looked at me with a strange look. 

 

"Hey! Choi Youngjae! What the hell is it?" he suddenly said loudly.

 

I stared at him, confused, but a little shocked at his sudden loud voice. He was annoyed I could tell. 

 

A short silence passed

 

I stared at the floor until I finally heard him sigh. 

 

"Do you think I told my parents?" he suddenly asked.

 

I looked up at him.

 

"You promised I could tell my family right? Is this because you don't want me to anymore? Ever since I told you about telling my brother how I feel...you're acting really strange." he said.

 

I glanced at the floor.

 

"Not only you. He's been acting strange too." he said.

 

My heart was already beating fast, but now I was nervously sweating too. 

 

Does he know? Does JB hyung know? What am I going to do? Shouldn't I just tell him if he already knows? 

 

"I didn't tell my parents Youngjae." 

 

It was after a long silence that he said this. I looked up at him.

 

"I know you don't want me to." he said. 

 

I continued staring at him.

 

"Even if you promised. Actually...I knew you didn't want me to tell my brother...but I'm not apologizing that I did tell him. Did I tell you I feel so much better because he knows now?"

 

I didn't know what to say.

 

"Even if...even if he reacted differently...even if he doesn't have good words to say. I'm glad I told him. I'm glad I'm not hiding you." he suddenly confessed.

 

"Your brother...he doesn't have good words?" I asked.

 

"Would he?" JB hyung sighed.

 

"He said some things I won't ever tell you. But even if he ever came to you and said something to you don't listen to him Youngjae. Trust me. Not him. Do you trust me?" he suddenly asked. 

 

I don't know why, but I suddenly remembered the time with JB hyung's ex girlfriend. When she lied to him about me and Jieun noona and JB hyung believed her and accused me of something I didn't do.

 

At that time I asked him if he trusts me at all. 

 

Now he's asking me the same thing, but for something different. 

 

"If you trust me then don't hide anything from me Youngjae. Tell me what's going on." he said.

 

I caught his eyes before looking away from him quickly and staring at my hands. I was playing so much with my hands that they were sweating from nervousness.

 

"Did my brother call you? Did he say something?" JB hyung suddenly asked.

 

I played with my fingers even more.

 

"That-" 

 

He almost cursed.

 

"He went behind my back and- damn I'm going to call him right now."

 

I watched him take out his phone as I finally understood what he said only seconds ago.

 

"No." I quickly said.

 

He looked up at me and I quickly took his phone.

 

JB hyung stared at me so hard with a confused look. 

 

"He didn't do anything." I quickly said.

 

"What do you mean he didn't do anything? Did he touch you?" he looked more angry than I've ever seen him. 

 

"No. No. I'm saying no. What do you mean by touch?" I quickly said, grabbing his arm. "Nothing happened...it's just...I'm just a little stressed hyung. Nothing happened." I lied and felt terrible about it.

 

I've never lied to JB hyung before.

 

Jaehun hyung didn't touch me like JB hyung thinks. No matter how disgusted he was with me when we talked, he didn't raise his hand once to hit me. 

 

But what I felt terrible about is lying that we've talked. 

 

I feel terrible but I also feel - safe? I feel like with the one call from JB hyung, everything could be ruined, and I don't want him to fight with his family. 

 

I don't want anything to be ruined because of me. 

 

I suddenly felt what Jaehun hyung and his girlfriend were trying to force me to do.

 

My relationship with JB hyung...

 

It will do nothing but tear the both of us down. It will do nothing but ruin the both of us. When we went to the tarot card reading, the reader mentioned something like this - something bad will happen and I should stick close to my family.

 

Was that telling me something?

 

It's not like I haven't wondered this. These past two weeks of harassing calls. I've thought deeply about what I'm keeping from JB hyung and about what his brother and sister talked to me about - about what this relationship can really do to the both of us.

 

It's not like we can't be together.

 

Even if we're not in this type of relationship we can still be together-

 

Right? 

 

But is being together now...in this type of relationship...the only way we can be together?

 

This problem is also tearing me apart.

 

JB hyung won't see me in any other way than the relationship we have now. I'm sure if it. No matter how I try to fix all of this I don't know what will happen. But I didn't think anything good will happen. 

 

Our relationship...just like Jaehun hyung said...

 

It's not like I haven't ever thought about it. It can possibly hurt the both of us in the future. 

 

"Youngjae. Hey."

 

I snapped from my thoughts and stared at JB hyung staring hard at me.

 

"What are you thinking?" he asked. 

 

"I want to see Nora." I smiled at him. 

 

He looked confused. He looked more confused than when he's usually confused. 

 

I walked past him to the door and put my shoes on. 

 

"Come on hyung. I haven't seen your mom in a long time." I said cheerfully. 

 

I wonder how I can do it sometimes.

 

Even if it wasn't my real feelings, I couldn't keep going on in a strange mood that JB hyung can see through. He can see through everything I do now that it's useless to say there's nothing wrong when there's something wrong. 

 

I lied to him and I felt terrible. I didn't want him to see through it at all. I wanted to go see Nora and be happy with him. I didn't want to think about anything else. 

 

When we got in the car I the radio to a music station and leaned back, smiling wide. 

 

JB hyung just sat down besides me and started the car. Even if he put his shoes on and followed me out of the apartment, he still had the strange confused look on his face, and I could tell he was still annoyed if not angry at me. 

 

The drive to his family home was in silence. We listened to music and I stared out my side window. 

 

When we finally arrived I quickly got out and walked towards JB hyung's side door, waiting for him to get out. 

 

"I haven't seen Nora in a long time." I said smiling.

 

"Are you sure it's going to be okay? Her hair..."

 

"What? It's ok!" I said loudly, hitting his shoulder. "My nose can handle this." I pointed to my nose. "I want to see Nora." I smiled wide at him. 

 

He stared at me for what felt like a minute before he slowly nodded. 

 

When JB hyung's mom opened the door she quickly pulled the both of us inside the apartment and hugged us tight. 

 

It's the same action my mom does when we go over to my house. 

 

I could only laugh and wait for her to let me go to catch my breath. 

 

She kissed us on the cheek and then finally started pushing us towards the couch.

 

"You two never come to see me. Especially you Youngjae-ah. You don't like your auntie? And you Im Jaebum-ah, am I your mother?" she looked at JB hyung.

 

I chuckled at the look on his face.

 

"Why don't you come see me more?" she asked the both of us, but she was staring harder at Jaebum hyung. 

 

"I have a lot of work." JB hyung replied.

 

"Youngjae-ah, what about you?" she asked me.

 

I stopped chuckling and looked guilty. From the side of my eye I could see JB hyung chuckling. 

 

Finally she sighed.

 

"The both of you are all grown up now and don't have time to come visit. Did you two eat?" she asked.

 

"We haven't." JB hyung got up. "Where's Nora?" he asked. 

 

"She's stuck in your old room again. She only comes out when she wants to." she laughed and I watched her walk away towards the kitchen saying she's bringing us food.

 

JB hyung glanced at me.

 

I smiled and waved at him. 

 

He smirked and walked away.

 

I sat in silence, staring at the door he disappeared into. It was the same room we cleaned out boxes from years ago.

 

I remember it clearly. That day we tried doing 'that.' JB hyung was so worried he wouldn't even let me lift some of the boxes.

 

I chuckled at the memory.

 

It didn't take long for me to hear the sound of cat purring, and the sound of JB hyung scolding her because she scratched him. 

 

"Already? Hyung you have all these scratch marks on your wrist. It can make someone worried." I quickly got up and walked up to him.

 

"Don't come close. Your allergic." he held out his hand. 

 

"What..." I laughed and stepped closer. "What are you taking about? Let me hold her." I stuck my hands out. 

 

"Hey. Be careful." he stared at me and I stared back.

 

I watched as he slowly put her down and sighed as Nora ran back into his old room.

 

"She doesn't want to play." I laughed. 

 

"Did she scratch you again?"

 

We both turned towards his mom who had a tray of food. She quickly put it on the table and walked towards us, grabbing JB hyung's arm.

 

"Hey, Im Jaebum-ah. Didn't I say to be careful with her. She's began doing this a lot more."

 

I watched her pull JB hyung away, scolding him for getting scratched again.  

 

"Are you okay?" I asked loudly.

 

"I'm fine. I'm fine. It's just a small scratch." he replied loudly. 

 

It didn't seem like only a small scratch. His mom was cleaning the scratch and I definitely saw some blood. 

 

"You said it's only a small scratch." I walked up to them, a little worried. I've seen more than two scratches on JB hyung's wrist. 

 

Before he got a lot of injuries from the practice room at his company, but now when he visits Nora she leaves him a big scratch on his arm. 

 

"Don't worry. It's ok." he said. 

 

We caught eyes.

 

"He doesn't listen to me at all. Nora is in a mood these days. She doesn't listen to anyone. But he still gets scratches from her." his mom said, glaring at JB hyung.

 

"What...hyung..." I mumbled. 

 

"What? It's fine." he said.

 

"It's not." I replied.

 

"Look. Even Youngjae-ah is worried. Not only me." his mom said.

 

I nodded. "It's dangerous." I mumbled.

 

"Hey, what are you saying? Coco scratches too." he said.

 

"Hyung...coco isn't Nora." I stared at him.

 

"What does that mean." he replied.

 

I chuckled and sighed.

 

"Just listen and be careful around Nora now." his mom said.

 

I nodded.

 

"Be careful." I said. 

 

"Hey." he stared at me. "You too. Around Coco...be careful. It's dangerous." he mocked me and I laughed and shook my head.

 

"Go on. You two go eat." his mom began pushing us towards the food on the table. 

 

We were eating and watching tv when she suddenly came back from the kitchen, asking us how the food was.

 

"It's really good. Thank you!" I said loudly.

 

"Jaebum doesn't cook for you? I've taught him since he was so small." she smiled, sitting next to me on a cushion. 

 

"JB hyung always cooks. I'm the one that doesn't know how to." I laughed. 

 

"I told you." JB hyung mumbled. 

 

"You never cook for your mom then." she said, fixing JB hyung's hair. I watched as he tried pulling away with an embarrassed look on his face. 

 

"His hair is sticking up now." I laughed and watched her fix it for him.

 

He complained at first, but he quickly let her do whatever she wanted.

 

"There. That's good. Why is your hair always like this? I have a son who only likes to wear hats." she said.

 

"He pushes his hair back and wears a hat to hide his messy hair." I laughed.

 

"And who's wearing a hat now." he asked. 

 

I laughed. 

 

I didn't want to do anything with my hair today so I stole one of his caps, pushed my hair back, and put it on just like him before we left the apartment. 

 

"Right now my hair doesn't look good either." I admitted. 

 

"Today you two have no where to go right?" she asked. "No work?"

 

"We worked this morning. We have nothing else to do." JB hyung replied.

 

"We're just going to go watch a movie maybe. Or stay home and watch one. Maybe go to a restaurant..." JB hyung said all of these things we were going to do and I could only glance at him. 

 

"Ohh...you two are going on one of those dates?"

 

I quickly lifted my head to look at his mom. 

 

"Ahh...don't be embarrassed now Youngjae-ah. I know about your secret girlfriend." she winked. 

 

"...ah...girlfriend..." I glanced at JB hyung again. 

 

"You both will take your girlfriends out for dinner? How about you invite Jaehun-ah. I'm sure they will like to come." she said.

 

My heart skipped a beat at the mention of that person. JB hyung's brother. The one who I've had many calls from in the past two weeks.

 

"Where is he?" JB hyung asked.

 

"They're coming later. If you stay longer you can catch them. He said he has something to tell your dad and me. I wonder what it is."

 

The mood suddenly changed. I mean, my mood quickly changed.

 

I quickly glanced at JB hyung and then looked down at the leftover bowl of rice sitting in front of me.

 

He's coming here? Today? Jaehun hyung?

 

The last person I talked to was his girlfriend. Well, I talked to the both of them but she's the one that called me. 

 

They warned me again. They told me stories about what happens to someone like me and even told stories of my future with a woman rather than another man. They told me I would disappoint my parents and the whole of Korea would be disgusted with me. They told me not to get JB hyung involved and break it off before they have to do it for me. 

 

The first time I met Jaehun hyung and his girlfriend they were really nice to me. He treated me like a younger brother even if we didn't get to see each other a lot. 

 

But ever since a few weeks ago when he suddenly came over to the apartment and threatened my relationship with JB hyung I don't know what to think of him anymore. 

 

It seems I'm not the only one he said some strange things to. I wasn't surprised when JB hyung mentioned earlier about his brother's reaction when he told him about the relationship we have. 

 

Of course he won't accept us. I never thought he would. Even if JB hyung was sure about it all, I doubted it. I still doubt it.

 

This is why it's hard for me. It's hard for me to even mention it to my sister now even though I was so confident just a few weeks ago. 

 

When I went home the other time and my mom harassed me with Mina, I was sure then that the only person I wanted to be with was JB hyung. I'm still so sure of this.

 

I was so sure that I could tell my sister. I wanted to tell her. That day I didn't want to hide JB hyung anymore. 

 

But now it's so hard. 

 

I don't know what I'll do if she reacts the way Jaehun hyung reacted. 

 

I don't want to hear any more words of disgust. I don't want to hear more words of breaking up with JB hyung. I don't want to get hurt. But most importantly, I don't want JB hyung to get hurt.

 

"Hey, are you listening?" 

 

I glanced at the hand nudging my shoulder and caught eyes with JB hyung.

 

They were staring at me. 

 

His mom chuckled.

 

"Are you okay Youngjae-ah? You've been spacing out since you arrived." she said.

 

"Ah, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm ok." I quickly apologized. 

 

"What were you thinking about so hard?" JB hyung asked.

 

If he hasn't asked me what's wrong for the past two weeks, this is the other question he always asks - what I'm thinking about so hard that I can't tell him. 

 

"Huh? Me? Thinking about?" I played like I didn't know what he was talking about. He stared at me with a suspicious expression.

 

"Nothing. Nothing." I put my hands together and apologized again. 

 

"Ah..yes. That's right. By the way how is cutie coco? I haven't seen her in a long time." JB hyung's mom suddenly asked. 

 

I caught eyes with her and began replying just as JB hyung's phone began ringing. 

 

He quickly picked it up and I continued talking to his mom. Talking about coco, talking about my parents and even my older brother she's never met. 

 

There's one thing about JB hyung's mom that I really like. Even if she asks me a lot of questions every time I visit, she always looks so happy to hear me talk. She always looks so happy to see me.

 

Another reason why it's hard. 

 

This is what I don't want to ruin.

 

Will it all change with just a confession? 

 

"Who was that?" his mom suddenly asked.

 

We both stared at JB hyung as he finished talking on the phone. From the sound of his voice and the way he was talking I knew who it was.

 

"Jaehun hyung." he replied. 

 

I knew it. 

 

"Tell him to hurry and come. What's taking him so long? Everyday he says he will come but he never does. So today I had to force him." she chuckled. "Does he visit you two? He said he wanted to come see your new apartment." she asked.

 

I could feel my palms already sweating.

 

I stared hard at the table and could tell that JB hyung was staring at me hard. He now knows when I'm nervous, when I'm scared, when I'm sad or angry - even when I'm hiding something. 

 

It's a little scary.

 

A relationship can reveal so many things about someone. 

 

JB hyung won't leave me alone at all because he knows I'm hiding something from him. After all these years, there's nothing I can't hide from him, and he's the one that once said that I'm a bad liar.

 

I agree with him. 

 

"He said he's coming soon." he suddenly said. 

 

I didn't show it, but it might have showed. 

 

I flinched. I really flinched. 

 

Jaehun hyung was coming. Not only him but he was coming with his girlfriend. The two people who threatened me to break up with JB hyung. The one who hates our relationship. 

 

He's really coming?

 

"Mom."

 

I listened to JB hyung talk.

 

"Do we still have that tea I like?" he suddenly asked. 

 

I couldn't lift my head up.

 

"Ah, the tea. The tea." she said, suddenly getting up.

 

I glanced at her quickly walk away towards the kitchen.

 

JB hyung was staring at me before, and I could tell he was still staring hard at me, maybe even harder as soon as his mom walked away. He was waiting, waiting for me to say something. It made me so nervous that I had to wipe my palms on my jeans once again for the second time. 

 

"Ah...um....is Nora going to come out?" I quickly asked.

 

He didn't reply. He was still staring. I could feel it. 

 

I've become so aware when he's around me. If JB hyung stares at me I can feel it. If he has something to tell me I can feel it. If he's angry I can tell. If he's irritated I can tell. I can tell it all. Just like he can see so many things about me now.

 

Right now he had many different emotions on his face. 

 

He's been asking me for weeks if I've been keeping something from him. I always reply that I'm not, but just like how I know what he's feeling, JB hyung knows what I'm feeling all the time now too. He knows when there's something bothering me. And he won't give up unless I tell him what's bothering me. 

 

It's something about him that is hard to break.

 

JB hyung is the type of person that really won't stop until he knows what's going on. I can't be sad around him because he would worry so much and get me to tell him what's wrong.

 

Even though it bothers me at times, I know why he does it. 

 

He does it all so he can help me. Even if he doesn't tell me directly, from the look on his face he hates when I'm sad, or I'm not happy. He hates it more when I hide things from him.

 

Even if he does it too sometimes. 

 

He hates it more when I do it. 

 

"Ahh..." I laughed and nudged his shoulder, lifting my head to look at him. "...we came to see her right? Nora." I asked. 

 

"She's stuck in the room." he finally replied after such a long time of just staring at me.

 

"Yeah..." I mumbled.

 

A short silence passed.

 

"You missed her right? You should go play with her hyung." I quickly said, hoping he would stop staring.

 

But this didn't work either. 

 

"I can see her any time." he said. 

 

"But...we came to see her today..." I mumbled.

 

"She's not in the mood. She doesn't want to come out at all. You told me to stop getting scratched right?" he asked.

 

"Huh...yes!" I said loudly. "...right." I added.

 

Another short silence passed as I looked away from him, looking towards the tv. I could tell he was still staring really hard at me.

 

"What...what is it?" I finally asked.

 

"What is what?" he replied with his own question. 

 

"You're staring."

 

"I am?"

 

I caught eyes with him. 

 

"You're staring at me." I said again. 

 

He nodded, still staring.

 

"Why..." I mumbled. Even if I already knew the answer to that. 

 

He didn't reply. 

 

I sighed and looked back at the tv, hoping his mom would hurry and come back so we wouldn't be alone anymore. 

 

"You're hiding something." he suddenly said, leaning close to me. I didn't see how he managed to switch seats from across the table from me to practically besides me.

 

"What..." I pushed his shoulder. "...you moved." I looked at him. 

 

"You're thinking about something again. You didn't see me move?" he asked.

 

My heart was beating fast and my fingers trembling because honestly JB hyung can see right through me now. 

 

"What...it's nothing. Stop acting strange." I mumbled the last part.

 

"What strange? You're the one who's been acting strange for weeks now." he said. 

 

Something that was the truth so I couldn't deny it.

 

I couldn't deny it, so I tried to change the subject once again. 

 

"Right!" I said loudly, catching eyes with him. 

 

He continued staring at me, this time waiting for whatever I had to say. More like anticipating. I knew the expression he had and he was really anticipating whatever I had to say. 

 

"...You said...we could go see coco too right?" I quickly asked.

 

"Huh?" 

 

I smiled lightly. 

 

"I want to go see coco. Can we?" I asked. 

 

A short silence passed as he stared at me. I got nervous again so I quickly looked away. 

 

"Sure." he finally said. 

 

I didn't miss his loud sigh. 

 

"...umm...maybe we can bring Nora?" I asked.

 

I quickly glanced at him and he was still staring. 

 

"You want to bring her?" he asked.

 

I quickly nodded.

 

"Your nose is red and don't think I haven't caught you trying to hide your sneezes. Even if she's not in the room with us you're like this." he suddenly said.

 

I looked up at his worried expression. 

 

"You still want to bring Nora after all this?" he asked.

 

I touched my nose. 

 

"...It's alright." I smiled. "...I feel fine." 

 

He didn't say anything, but looked away from me and up at something on the tv.

 

What is he thinking? 

 

After a short silence I looked at him again. He was still staring at the tv. He didn't really say if we could bring Nora or not. 

 

"...is my nose really red?" I asked. 

 

He nodded. 

 

"But I want coco to see Nora. I think they would get along. Don't you think hyung?" I quickly said. 

 

"I don't." he replied.

 

"Why?" 

 

"Nora stays in the room all day. Coco...coco is like you." he mumbled the last part.

 

"What..." I hit his shoulder. "...what do you mean by that?" I asked, chuckling. 

 

"You're both very...." He paused. 

 

"What?" I asked.

 

"Like what my old manager said - you're like a ball of sunshine. Always bright. You're always laughing and playing around no matter what happens." he said.

 

"...Really?" I stared at him and he suddenly looked at me, getting a little too close all of a sudden. 

 

"W-what?" I chuckled, using my hand to push at his chest. "My nose is still red? I have snot on my face? Is my nose leaking? What is it? Why are you staring at me so hard?" I asked.

 

"You're really like the sunshine all the time. You always tell me the truth and never lie to me even if you keep it away for a few days you always tell me in the end. But recently there's something you're keeping from me for weeks now...I don't like it." he said. 

 

I stared at him staring at me for a few more seconds before quickly looking away, my heart beating so fast at his sudden words. 

 

A very long silence passed as we both stared at the tv in awkwardness. 

 

The silence continued all the way until I could no longer ignore it. 

 

I felt something I didn't want to. I felt bad. I felt like I needed to do something to change everything. I suddenly felt like I needed to say something quickly to change whatever bad mood was coming.

 

I need to think of something. I need to think of something to say. I need to think of something that will not make the mood like this. I need to change the mood. 

 

"Umm..."

 

He didn't even look at me.

 

"Jaebum hyung..." I mumbled.

 

"Yeah?" he replied.

 

I glanced at him. 

 

"Maybe...because of my red nose...we can still go see coco right? Maybe next time we can take Nora." 

 

I didn't know what else to say. 

 

"Yeah..." he replied after a long time. 

 

"How about we go see coco after this? I think she misses you a lot. The last time she played with you a lot right? Do you think coco will be happy to see u-"

 

"Hey."

 

He was staring at me with a sudden strange expression. For once in a long time I couldn't read his expression. It was one of those strange looks he gives me. 

 

I chuckled nervously.

 

"Coco. Coco. Coco. Can we talk about something other than coco?" he suddenly asked. 

 

I was surprised and quickly noticed he was pouting. 

 

I couldn't help but chuckle at the expression on his face. 

 

"Hey." he said, an annoyed look suddenly on his face as he grabbed my hand.

 

"Ok. Ok. I understand. I hear you hyung. Then...what do we talk about?" I asked.

 

I regretted asking as soon as I did. I hoped he didn't bring the conversation back to him being suspicious about me hiding something from him. 

 

He looked like he was thinking.

 

"...I don't know. Something about...us?" he suddenly mumbled.

 

"Us?" I repeated, a little surprised. 

 

I watched him lift his head up. 

 

We stared at each other once again. 

 

"Maybe we both watched something strange hyung." I couldn't help but laugh.

 

"Maybe." he replied, suddenly leaning so close to me that I quickly had to use my hand to push him back once again. 

 

"Think of where we are." I quickly said, staring at the area his mom was. She couldn't see us but my heart was beating loudly when he suddenly leaned close to my face for a second time. 

 

I wondered what he wanted.

 

Does he want a kiss? 

 

But we couldn't kiss in his parents house. His mom could return at any time. I couldn't even imagine her catching us. 

 

I knew if I didn't stop him, then JB hyung without a care would actually kiss me - and I didn't want that. 

 

He slowly smiled and nodded, taking a hold of my hand and putting it down. He didn't let go of my hand though. 

 

If it was before I would be very nervous.

 

But for a few weeks now JB hyung has really been so touchy. He'a always...touching me. Not only that but he's been so...sticky. He won't let me go at all.

 

For nine years I always got nervous if he did something that involved touching me all of a sudden, but for the last two weeks I've quickly become used to his touches. So much that my heart doesn't even skip a beat so much anymore.

 

Instead of my heart skipping a beat and my palms getting nervous because he was holding my hand, I just wanted to remind JB hyung where we were. 

 

"What are you doing?" I quickly asked. 

 

"What?" he asked, staring at the tv.

 

"My hand...." I mumbled, my eyes close to the area where the kitchen was. I tried pulling my hand away but he wouldn't let go.

 

"Hyung..."

 

"I want to hold your hand." he said.

 

"What? But-"

 

"Does it matter what my mom thinks?" he asked.

 

I stared at him, not knowing why he was suddenly acting different.

 

"Do you want us to get caught?" I whispered.

 

A short silence passed. I tried pulling my hand away again but he was really holding on tight. 

 

"...yes." he suddenly replied.

 

I looked up at him, shocked.

 

"What are you saying?" 

 

"I want us to get caught." he said, looking at me. "Then maybe you will tell me that my brother came to see you and told you some things about our relationship that's bothering you."

 

I think my eyes went wide.

 

If they didn't my face changed expressions quickly.

 

"What?"

 

"You think I don't know? I was waiting for you to tell me but until the end you weren't going to tell me were you?" he asked.

 

We caught eyes.

 

I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. 

 

When did he find out?

 

"You...knew?" I asked.

 

"So it's true?" he suddenly asked me.

 

"What?" I stared at him. 

 

"He came to see you when I wasn't there. He said some things that are bothering you and now you're thinking of not telling your parents about us."

 

He got part of it right. Jaehun hyung came to see me but the things he said are making me think of more things then just not telling my parents.

 

I lowered my head.

 

He doesn't know. JB hyung doesn't know. 

 

"...why do you think that?" I asked. 

 

"You're going to lie?" he asked. 

 

I looked up at him.

 

"I've known you for a long time and you don't ever lie." he said.

 

I didn't know what to say - because I already lied to him earlier.

 

"Ahh...the tea takes such a long. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

 

At the sudden sound of his mom's voice I quickly pulled my hand away with no struggle. 

 

"Here. Let me help." I said, quickly getting up to go help her with the tray of tea. 

 

"Is your favorite show on again?" his mom suddenly asked.

 

I glanced at JB hyung. He didn't look happy at all. 

 

"You moved seats." she said. 

 

A short silence passed.

 

I chuckled and quickly sat down.

 

"It's hard to see the tv when you're sitting with your back to it." I chuckled so nervously I could hear it myself. 

 

I knew JB hyung wasn't happy with me at all. I didn't have to look at him to know. 

 

For the rest of our stay he said nothing more to me. I talked the most with his mom and when she asked a question directed at the both of us is the only time I glanced at him. 

 

He wouldn't even look at me. 

 

In the end Jaehun hyung never came over. Atleast not while we were there.

 

I wondered if JB hyung really knew that Jaehun hyung came over to say some things about our relationship.

 

"It's been a long time since we've been here right?"

 

The whole ride to go see coco was in silence, so the sudden words from JB hyung as soon as we parked and got out of the car really surprised me.

 

"...um...yes." I replied.

 

I didn't know what else to say. 

 

I'm usually confident when it comes to this. All I need is for JB hyung to talk to me again and then everything will be better. I'll feel confident talking to him again and nothing would be wrong.

 

But I'm wrong.

 

Nothing is wrong but me. 

 

"We're here to see coco. Isn't that what you wanted?" he suddenly asked me. 

 

I looked at him. He still wouldn't look at me. 

 

"Let's go." he said, walking. 

 

I stood in my spot, having many different thoughts. 

 

"Choi Youngjae!" I heard JB hyung yell from a few walks away. 

 

When I lifted my head he was standing staring at me.

 

"Aren't you coming?" he asked.

 

I would say yes before. I would push everything to the back of my mind and go see coco because she makes me feel better even with just seeing her.

 

But JB hyung is angry.

 

Things are not going good at all. 

 

I can't just push it all to the back of my mind.

 

But I can't tell him either...

 

Suddenly I could see white shoes in front of me. JB hyung was standing in front of me. I couldn't look at him so I stared hard at his shoes. 

 

"You're thinking about something?" he asked after a long silence.

 

I nodded.

 

"What is it?" he asked.

 

I shook my head.

 

"What...what's with you?" he asked. I could hear the irritation in his voice. Just a few hours ago whenever he asks his voice would be filled with worry. 

 

But I would also get irritated too if I were him. I'm surprised it took him this long to get angry at me.

 

Another short silence passed.

 

"Why don't you just tell me what's going on?" he suddenly asked.

 

"I want to go home." I said, finally lifting my head to look at him.

 

He was staring at me. The sound of irritation in his voice was showing on his face. But I could also see something else.

 

He was surprised at my sudden words. He was so surprised that he wasn't moving at all, standing in his spot staring at me. 

 

"You..." I mumbled. "You said you like that I'm so spontaneous right?" I asked smiling in nervousness. 

 

The silence continued.

 

"...or something like that..." I mumbled, looking away from his hard stare. 

 

To give up a chance to see coco, I would never do something like this. 

 

But just like JB hyung was angry at me, I was angry at myself. 

 

"Let's go."

 

At the sound of his voice of approval I lifted my head to JB hyung walking past me back to his car. I followed behind him. 

 

I wanted to apologize for making him drive all the way, but I could also feel how he felt towards me at the moment, and I didn't want to fight at any cost. 

 

The ride back home was in silence like it was when we were coming. I wanted to see coco badly, but I also knew that it wasn't the right time to hide everything to the back of my head and forget about it like I usually do.

 

Not if I didn't want us to fight. Not if I wanted JB hyung to talk to me normally with a sound of irritation in his voice. 

 

I needed to tell him.  

 

I needed to do something before everything fell apart.

 

"I'm using the shower first."

 

We arrived at the apartment in silence just as it was when we were coming. I watched JB hyung walk away into his room and I sighed and did the same thing into my room. 

 

I sat at my desk chair and released another loud sigh, taking out my phone and staring at it.

 

Five missed calls.

 

Three from Jaehun hyung. Two from his girlfriend.

 

I closed my eyes tightly and ran my hands through my hair in frustration, pushing my phone to the side and getting up. 

 

There's something I suddenly wanted to see. 

 

Two things. 

 

The second I added with the first because they belonged together. 

 

I remember when JB hyung finally had the courage to give the first one to me. After I discovered it that day we had a conversation about rings. I said I would wear it. That's what I said but the truth is that maybe I am really embarrassed to wear it.

 

Why?

 

Because I will get questions?

 

I can always lie...

 

But I don't want to lie. 

 

From my seat at the desk I turned my chair around and stared at the black bag. It was safely tucked away in a box of my most precious items in my closet. It's been sitting on the very top since I added the second one I received from JB hyung only a few weeks ago. 

 

The new one that has no meaning.

 

He said it has no meaning but...anything like that has to have a meaning. 

 

I slowly walked to the box and took out JB hyung's black bag, walking to my desk and putting it down on the table. 

 

My heart was beating for unknown reasons but I wanted to see the two rings. The one on the chain, and the one that has a very deep meaning not only for JB hyung, but for me too. 

 

I remember the trip to Jeju, when he was acting so strange bringing the bag everywhere, but in the end he didn't give it to me or tell me about it. 

 

I also remember the day he mentioned a ring and I could guess it was what he was hiding from me all the time in Jeju.

 

I slowly opened the bag, taking out the small black box that was familiar to me. The one I received just a few weeks ago. The one that has no meaning. We haven't talked about it again since I got the call from Jaehun hyung. 

 

I stared at the box and slowly opened it, the silver chain staring back at me. I took it out and held it in front of me, staring at the plain ring. 

 

He said there's no meaning but....

 

I looked down at the bag once again.

 

I've never really thought about marrying someone before. Even at my age.

 

It's just...something I've never seriously thought about. I think...even if I had a girlfriend...I wouldn't think about it at this time.

 

I took out the second box and opened it to find another box. This box was small. It was tiny. Usually one can guess the only thing that can be in one of these boxes.

 

I slowly opened it and stared at the ring. 

 

It's simple, really simple. 

 

But it has such a heavy meaning, especially for JB hyung. 

 

I think JB hyung got this specifically because it's so simple for me to wear. If I wear it casually no one will really notice. 

 

But because I don't usually wear rings everyone will notice. I can imagine the many questions about the sudden ring, especially if I put it on a finger that is meant for marriage.

 

I've never really thought about marriage, and wouldn't ever think I would think about it now...but...but...

 

I'm thinking about it now.

 

Can we really get married?

 

Me and JB hyung?

 

With my ear going hot I slowly took out the ring, putting the box down and staring at it. 

 

Staring at them both.

 

The ring in my hand, and the one on the chain.

 

He got these both for me. 

 

The thought suddenly went through my mind, staring at the one I was holding. 

 

Does it fit me? 

 

The day when JB hyung finally gave me the bag, I didn't look at it. I didn't peek at it even. JB hyung didn't force me to open it in front of him or anything like that. He didn't do anything strange like getting down on one knee. He didn't say anything strange like the meaning of the ring he wanted me to have.

 

But he just gave it to me.

 

And I quickly remembered what we talked about that day I discovered what was in the black bag in Jeju.

 

So simple but it's...pretty.

 

I continued staring at the ring. 

 

I still haven't try it on. 

 

I first tried putting it on my index finger. It didn't really fit, so I tried my middle finger. This is when I realized that it won't fit on any of fingers besides the finger it was meant for. 

 

Didn't JB hyung get it for a reason?

 

I tried all my other fingers anyway and left the best for last I guess. With my heart beating fast I put the ring on my ring finger and just as I thought, it fit perfectly. 

 

Too perfectly. 

 

I quickly took it off, staring hard at it. 

 

"What are you doing?" 

 

I flinched at the sudden voice, turning around quickly like I've just gotten caught doing something bad.

 

My heart was beating fast for a different reason now.

 

"H-hyung..." I stumbled on my words.

 

How long has he been standing at the door? 

 

He walked up to me and I couldn't hurry and hide it when he already saw me holding it. 

 

The ring. 

 

My ring.

 

Even the necklace on my table. 

 

"...umm..." I stared at him, very embarrassed. 

 

He stared at me for a few minutes, then he suddenly smiled.

 

That smile I love. 

 

I watched him lean against my table, cross his arms, and stare down at me with a big smile on his face.

 

"What? What's with that smile?" I quickly asked, still very embarrassed.

 

I wondered what he was thinking. 

 

"You won't wear them, but you're keeping them." he suddenly said, nodding to the table and the ring in my hand. 

 

I stared at him for a few seconds. 

 

"W-What? Of course I'm keeping them..." I quickly said. "Why wouldn't I keep it?" I asked, squeezing the ring in my hand and quickly picking up the necklace on the table. 

 

He didn't reply.

 

"Did you...want something?" I asked, looking up at him. 

 

"Should I want something?" he asked. 

 

We stared at each other. 

 

I sighed and looked away first. 

 

A short silence passed. I still had many different thoughts. The question is, would I reveal it all to him?

 

"You know why I won't wear it..." I mumbled, playing around with both the silver ring on a necklace and the deep meaning of a ring both given to me by someone I call my boyfriend. Even if he says there's no meaning...they both have deep meanings. I put the ring on my finger and took it off, doing it again and again. 

 

It really only fit on my ring finger.

 

I tried the one on the necklace, but I couldn't get it to go on my finger at all. 

 

I wonder if it's intentional.

 

He did say there's no meaning to this one. 

 

I should ask him. 

 

I glanced at JB hung so quickly that it made me nervous, wondering if he saw me. 

 

I've always wondered how he got my ring size ever since I discovered that the present in the black bag he carried years ago at Jeju was a ring. 

 

I don't wear rings...so how did he get my ring size? 

 

"Let me ask a question?" I asked this cautiously. Even if JB hyung was talking to me, I knew he was still angry from earlier. I don't know how he would react to any of my questions, so I decided to ask carefully. 

 

"What?" he said. 

 

He was still standing above me, not saying anything, but playing with his phone now. 

 

Why is he just standing here?

 

"Hey." I felt a tap on the side of my head.

 

When we caught eyes he suddenly leaned close. 

 

I quickly pushed him back. It's really a habit. I get really nervous when he's suddenly so close to me. Even if I've become used to him being so touchy for the past few weeks, it's still a little surprising for someone to suddenly lean so close to your face.

 

"We're alone now right?" he asked.

 

I knew what he was talking about. The last time I did this was just a few hours ago at his house when he suddenly leaned so close to me and I thought he was going to kiss me. 

 

I didn't know what to say.

 

Suddenly JB hyung laughed and pushed himself off the table. I watched him walk to my bed and lay down on his side facing me. 

 

"What's your question?" he asked. 

 

"Huh?" I stared at him.

 

"Hey, idiot." 

 

I stared at him shocked as he laughed. 

 

"You wanted to ask me something?" he said. 

 

"Right." I quickly remembered. "...but why suddenly call me an idiot?" I mumbled.

 

"You're pouting." he suddenly said. 

 

I looked at him chuckling and sighed.

 

"I'll ask you now." I said.

 

He looked up at me.

 

"How did you get my ring size?" I asked, lifting up my ring.

 

"You were sleeping." he suddenly said.

 

I stared at him confused. 

 

What does that have to do with the ring? 

 

"What...do you mean?" I slowly asked.

 

"I measured your ring size when you were sleeping." he said. 

 

I was shocked.

 

"How come I didn't feel it?" 

 

"You're a heavy sleeper. You don't wake up to anything I do to you." 

 

"What?"

 

He chuckled and smirked.

 

"What..." I mumbled, embarrassed.

 

"...What...what do you mean by that? What did you do?"

 

I felt shocked and more than embarrassed. Maybe I am a deep sleeper sometimes, but it shocked me that JB hyung would do something to me while I was sleeping.

 

The worst of it all is the thought of how I responded or what I did in my sleep without knowing. 

 

"You think I'd do something to you while you were sleeping?" he suddenly asked me.

 

I caught eyes with him.

 

How can I accuse JB hyung of all people of doing something to me while I was asleep? It hit me that what I just asked sounded like I was accusing him.

 

"I didn't mean it like that." I quickly said. 

 

"What didn't you mean? Like what?" he asked.

 

My heart was beating so fast and I could feel my hands trembling. 

 

I suddenly didn't know what to say. 

 

A short silence passed. I couldn't think of what to say at all. 

 

"Youngjae." 

 

I looked up at the person calling my name. 

 

"Tell me what's going on." he said.

 

My heart skipped a beat. 

 

"I say it all the time don't I?" he suddenly said. 

 

I stared at him.

 

"If it was in Japan, or even a month ago when we had a small fight..." he paused.

 

I didn't know what to say so I continued staring at him.

 

"You never tell me any of this stuff. The things that are bothering you. I'm your boyfriend Youngjae or did you forget?" he asked.

 

"I haven't." I quickly replied him.

 

"Then how can I help if you hide everything from me?" he asked.

 

I still didn't know what to say.

 

"I'm also here to help you when things aren't going good. Or is it that you want to end this and this is what you can't tell-"

 

"What?" I quickly interrupted him. 

 

"What end? What are you talking about? I haven't said anything like that. Why are you saying that hyung?" I asked, so shocked about him talking about ending everything that my heart was beating fast and I felt scared. 

 

"I don't want to end anything. I don't want to lose you." I quickly said.

 

"I don't want to lose you either." he said. 

 

Another short silence passed.

 

"So tell me what's going on." he said.

 

Staring at the floor I played with my fingers.

 

This was just when my phone started ringing.

 

I quickly lifted my head and looked towards my phone on my table. 

 

Before I could move JB hyung was suddenly standing besides me. Before I could pick up my phone he picked up my phone and stared at the number. 

 

"I figured out it has something to do with him when you left your phone in my room the other day and it started ringing over and over." he said, staring at me.

 

I wonder if I could just pass out. I was feeling a lot of emotions at once. This has never happened to me before. 

 

JB hyung was staring down hard at me.

 

"Tell me." he suddenly said.

 

"He-"

 

The door bell went off.

 

We stared at each other as it went off again and again. 

 

My phone continued ringing again and again too.

 

"Let me settle this." JB hyung suddenly said. 

 

"What?" 

 

He walked passed me and I quickly got up, following him to the front door. 

 

"Wait. Hyung. JB hyung. What are you doing? Don't-"

 

I grabbed his arm and he pulled away. 

 

I couldn't stop him as he quickly opened the door.

 

"Jaehun hyung and his girlfriend were standing in front of him. He had his phone on his ear, making it obvious that he was the one calling my phone over and over only a few minutes ago. 

 

"So you're both here." he said.

 

"Let's talk." JB hyung said. 

 

I watched him grab his jacket and put it on. 

 

"What-" 

 

Before I could say or do anything JB hyung grabbed his older brother's arm and pulled him out of the apartment.

 

I started running after them when Jaehun hyung's girlfriend quickly stopped me. 

 

She stared at me so hard that I felt a little scared. Sometimes girls are a little scary. 

 

"You haven't been picking up any of our calls. That's why he suddenly came here. Even I couldn't stop him." she said.

 

"What?" I looked towards the door. 

 

"You haven't broken it off." she said. 

 

My heart skipped a beat. 

 

"Do you really understand what it is that you're doing?" she asked.

 

"What do you mean?" I asked, staring at the floor.

 

"This is about your lives. Even if it's not it's about your family. Do you want to ruin all the chances you have because of this confusion? Because of this taboo relationship between men?" she asked.

 

Somehow that made something inside ache.

 

That's all the both of them have repeated over and over again for weeks now. And every time it hurts to hear it. 

 

It hurts to hear the truth. 

 

It's taboo.

 

Between men. 

 

Society will look down on us.

 

No one will accept us.

 

It will ruin our lives and futures.

 

All of it - they have said it all to me. 

 

I understand it all. 

 

But it's not like hearing them repeat it will make it any easier for me. 

 

But they keep repeating it all. 

 

"Do..." I paused. "Do you know how I feel right now?" I asked her.

 

She finally stopped talking, saying all those things that hurt to think about. I could feel that she was staring at me.

 

"What did you say?" she asked.

 

"How did you feel...when you met Jaehun hyung?" I asked her.

 

A short silence passed.

 

"I'm a woman." she suddenly said.

 

That hurt even more than anything she's ever said about my relationship with JB hyung these past few weeks. 

 

"I know." I mumbled a reply.

 

"You love Jaehun hyung right?" I asked.

 

"Don't compare this with our relationship. The both of you are men Youngjae. No one will understand it. It doesn't matter how you feel about him. It's disgusting. How can you build a relationship and a family with two men? Two men aren't supposed to do these things. This is ruining your lives. This is ruining the reputations of your family."

 

"But I love JB hyung!" I said loudly, even surprised at my own confession and own loud voice.

 

I was tired of it all. 

 

They can say all these things and even if they are true...

 

"How can I just leave someone I love?" I asked, feeling a sting in my eyes. Even so, I wouldn't cry in front of her. 

 

I clenched my fist and walked past her. 

 

Not listening to anything she was saying I quickly walked to the bathroom and cleaned my face with some cold water. It was hot. Too hot. My heart was beating really fast and I was sweating. I stayed in the bathroom for a long time. 

 

She didn't knock on the door and I hoped she didn't.

 

When I was ready I walked back out to see her sitting on the couch. 

 

"Do you want something to drink?" I offered.

 

"No." she replied.

 

I nodded. 

 

"I'm going to go out for a bit."

 

She didn't say anything.

 

I grabbed my jacket, found my phone that ended up in the shoe cabinet when JB hyung was putting on shoes, and left her in the apartment. 

 

I couldn't find JB hyung or his brother anywhere.

 

So I took the bus and found myself standing at the park near my old high school. The place where many things have happened.

 

The place where I discovered many of my feelings for JB hyung. 

 

I found myself making an international call to Jun hyung. 

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hyung...Jun hyung?"

 

"Youngjae! Is it really you? Jinyoung! It's Youngjae!" 

 

I smiled at the sound of his voice to my call.

 

"It's been a while." I could suddenly hear Jinyoung hyung's voice. 

 

"Who?" the voice of a little girl caught my attention quickly.

 

"It's uncle Youngjae. Uncle Youngjae."

 

The only Japanese I could understand suddenly was uncle Youngjae.

 

I smiled. 

 

"Is that your daughter?" I asked.

 

"Yes! You haven't met her yet right? But we showed her a lot of videos of your trip here. She calls you uncle Youngjae. She wants to come see you and Jaebum." Jun said.

 

"Hey, why haven't you called in such a long time?" Jinyoung hyung suddenly asked.

 

"Ah, I'm sorry. Sorry..." I mumbled.

 

A short silence passed.

 

I could hear moving around and more Japanese.

 

Jun hyung is with his family right now. He has the courage to be with Jinyoung hyung and start a family. Something I don't have. 

 

I shouldn't have called. 

 

"Um...if you're busy right now then I can call later." I mumbled.

 

"Hey, don't suddenly say that. You're not on the speaker anymore and I'm in the room. Tell me what's wrong." he suddenly said. 

 

"You noticed?" I asked.

 

"I can hear it in your voice. Are you crying?" 

 

"What?" I chuckled. "I'm not." 

 

"What happened?"

 

I didn't know how to start it all out, but with just a word I told him everything. Everything's that's happened not just with Jaehun hyung, but from the beginning of my relationship with JB hyung.

 

I've never lied to myself and believed it would all work out with nothing to stop it from working out.

 

"Don't cry." Jun hyung whispered.

 

"Do I sound like it? I'm really not..." I mumbled.

 

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

 

"I don't know." I quickly replied. "Right now...I don't know what to do at all." 

 

"You've thought about ending it?"

 

I didn't answer his question because I have thought about it. Not just recently, but ever since the beginning of our relationship I've thought about it. 

 

I have always reminded myself to never get in the way of JB hyung's future. I've always told myself that if he found a girl he liked...I would let him go.

 

Isn't it normal to think this way?

 

Because of our relationship...because we're both men...isn't it normal to think that in the end it maybe won't work at all? 

 

Even if I've developed hard feelings for him - who am I to stop JB hyung from having a successful future life and career?

 

I just can't do it.

 

"I can't pull JB hyung away from his family because of my selfish feelings." 

 

"What selfish feeling?" Jun hyung suddenly asked. He didn't give me any time to reply. 

 

"Did you forget that Jaebum feels the same way about you? Maybe even more right? You don't call us often anymore but he still calls Jinyoung many times. He's always asking for advice on what to do. If you two argue about something he wants to make it better. He doesn't want to lose you Youngjae. Can't you understand his feelings for you?" 

 

"I do."

 

"It sounds like you don't."

 

"But I do!" I quickly said. 

 

A short silence passed and I apologized for yelling.

 

"Why are you having these thoughts? Just because of what his brother said?" Jun hyung asked. 

 

"No."

 

I shook my head.

 

"Hyung...maybe I'm getting in the way..." I mumbled.

 

"What are you saying?"

 

"Jaebum hyung always talks about kids. He loves kids. Not only that but he wants to get married too. Just recently Jr hyung told me about this. He wants to get married and have kids and build a family. He cares about his mom. He doesn't show it but he cares about his family a lot. I know he wouldn't ever want to lose his family..." I paused. 

 

"So who am I to get in the way of his future successful career and relationship with his family? Please don't make it sound like I'm making it so easy to end everything. It's hard for me too hyung. It's really hard for me. I don't know what to do."

 

A long silence passed.

 

Jun hyung sighed and the silence continued for only a few more seconds. 

 

"Have you talked to him?" he asked.

 

"I haven't. I don't know where they went."

 

"Let's hope they don't fight."

 

"I'm worried about it too...because of me...." I admitted.

 

There's only one other time I've seen JB hyung full of injuries from a fight, and that was about his ex-girlfriend. When he came to my house with injuries from a fight with a guy from her party she had. That was years ago. We aren't even in a relationship then.

 

But thinking about it now...I don't want to see it again. 

 

It's hard to see if you just meet him for the first time, but JB hyung is the type of guy who will do anything...he will fight for what he wants. He would fight for what he cares for no matter the consequences. 

 

Sometimes he's reckless like this I know. 

 

So sometimes I make it my job to not make him so reckless. 

 

To stop him from doing something that can hurt the both of us. 

 

I don't want to believe he would fight his brother for me...but at times JB hyung really is reckless, and I have no idea where they went. 

 

I can't stop it if I can't find him.  

 

I could only sit on the swing and hope they wouldn't fight. 

 

"Youngjae."

 

"Yes?"

 

"Don't be sad." Jun hyung said this loudly. 

 

"I'm trying not to." I honestly replied. 

 

"It will work out. You love Jaebum right?" he asked.

 

"I do." I replied.

 

"Then it will all work out. Trust me." he said. 

 

I slowly nodded. 

 

But deep inside all I could think was what if it doesn't? What if this whole situation makes it so JB hyung and I can't be together anymore? I still want to be close to him. I still want to be his friend. 

 

But...

 

"Youngjae."

 

"Yes?"

 

"Don't think too much." Jun hyung said.

 

"What?"

 

"This is all I can say to you. I know the feelings the both of you have for each other. It's going to be tough from here on. Just believe in the relationship you have with Jaebum. Even if it seems something will tear it down. If you keep telling yourself you love Jaebum and would do anything for him, it will all work out." 

 

I slowly nodded again, as if he could see me. 

 

"Are you listening?" he asked.

 

"Yes." I replied. 

 

"Try calling him." he suddenly said. 

 

"I...don't know if he took his phone. They left in a hurry."

 

"Try. If he doesn't pick up call me back. Don't cry."

 

"I'm not." I chuckled at his worry. "I don't do it. This type of thing. I don't cry at all. It takes a lot for me to cry hyung." I continued chuckling. 

 

"Your voice sounds strange."

 

"Huh?" I cleared my voice. "I don't know why...but I'm not crying trust me." I smiled. 

 

"I do. Now you trust Jaebum and your feelings for him." he said.

 

"...ah...I do." I smiled. 

 

"Now call him!" he yelled.

 

I laughed and nodded. 

 

"Thanks for listening hyung."

 

"Hey, what did I tell you about calling me hyung?" he asked.

 

I could only laugh as he hung up the phone first, yelling a strange Korean and Japanese mix at Jinyoung hyung. 

 

I sighed and stared at my phone for a long time, finally putting it away in my pocket.

 

I was scared. 

 

I was worried.

 

I didn't want anything to happen.

 

But somehow I felt something happened.

 

Do my parents know now?

 

What about Jaebum hyung's parents? 

 

What are we going to do?

 

I don't know how long I was sitting on the swing. A lot of kids already left. The school was probably half empty by now. It soon began getting darker outside. 

 

I just sat on the swing, going back and forth, thinking again and again about JB hyung. Our relationship. How it all started...how far it will go. 

 

I didn't notice anyone was around until warm hands suddenly wrapped around both my own clenching the handles of my swing. 

 

I quickly looked up, shocked. 

 

JB hyung didn't have any expression on his face at all. But I did notice something he didn't have when he left. 

 

I quickly got up, grabbing his cheek.

 

"You fought?" I asked, worried.

 

"Not fighting exactly..." he replied, not looking me in the eye.

 

"Your mouth-"

 

"It was just one hit."

 

"Hyung-"

 

"Don't worry I got him back too."

 

"Jaebum hyung!" I said loudly. 

 

"What?" he stared at me. "He was saying things that weren't true." he mumbled, pulling away from me.

 

I watched him sit down next to the swing besides me.

 

After watching him for a long time I finally sat back down in my swing. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. So I stared at my shoes, moving slightly on the swing set, waiting for either one of us to say something. 

 

"You've been hiding it from me for so long." JB hyung suddenly said.

 

I didn't have to look at him, I knew what he was talking about.

 

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

 

"I couldn't tell you." I replied.

 

"Why?" he asked.

 

I closed my eyes. 

 

He's asking why? 

 

A long silence passed. 

 

"He's going to tell your parents right?" I asked.

 

"Hey-"

 

"That's why I didn't tell you." I mumbled.

 

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

 

I lifted my head and stared at him. 

 

"I don't want..." I paused.

 

He was staring so hard at me.

 

"I don't want anything to happen with you-"

 

I felt something warm in my hand. I looked down and it was his hand in my own. Usually I would pull it away because we're outside at a park, but it was dark anyway.

 

"I'll talk to my parents." JB hyung suddenly said.

 

"That's not the point."

 

"What are you trying to say?" he quickly asked. 

 

My heart skipped another beat. I couldn't calm down at all.

 

"I don't know..." I mumbled. 

 

"What?"

 

"I don't know what I'm trying to say." I said, staring so hard at my shoes that my eyes became watery.

 

I used my free hand to rub at my eyes.

 

"Are you crying?" JB hyung suddenly asked.

 

"No." I looked at him. 

 

He sighed.

 

Another silence passed. 

 

"How did you find me?" I slowly asked after a continuous long silence.

 

"How did I find you?" JB hyung repeated. After a short silence he replied. "I don't know..." he mumbled. "You wouldn't pick up your phone at all." he said. 

 

"Hyung..." I mumbled.

 

"Hm?" 

 

"What are we going to do?" I asked.

 

He didn't reply.

 

"Why did you have to fight with Jaehun hyung?" I asked.

 

"I told you. There was a reason. It's not like I wanted to hit my brother." he said.

 

"You shouldn't have." I quickly said.

 

"What are you talking about..." he mumbled.

 

The silence once again returned. 

 

When I glanced at JB hyung he looked like he was thinking about something, maybe remembering whatever happened that caused the injury on the side of his mouth.

 

Was what ever Jaehun hyung said so bad that he had to hit him?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

JB POV 

 

"Hey. For that guy you're suddenly pulling at your older brother's arm?"

 

I let go of Jaehun's arm and sighed. We weren't that far away from the apartment complex, but if Youngjae were to come running after, he wouldn't be able to find us.

 

That's what I wanted.

 

No matter what I didn't want him to see my brother.

 

"You really don't like it so much that you went behind my back and said something to Youngjae?" I quickly asked.

 

"Is it something to be shocked about?" he asked. 

 

I've never gone against my older brother. That's because we've always gotten along. 

 

We used to play fight a lot, but as we got older we became really good friends even if he's older than me. 

 

"You-"

 

"This disgusting excuse for a relationship and you expect you brother to accept it?"

 

"What-"

 

"It's disgusting Jaebum!" he yelled. 

 

"Hyung..." I said, looking at him. Hoping he would see how I felt about Youngjae. "...I like him."

 

"Hey! What do you mean you like him? You're my brother. You're not gay!" he yelled loudly.

 

I didn't even bother looking around to see if anyone was around to hear him. 

 

"You're right I'm not!" I yelled. "But I can't deny what I feel!"

 

"Bull! This bastard! What do you think dad would say about this?" he asked. "I already told Youngjae to think carefully about this as well. You two...out of all the pretty girls in this country. Hey! Are you going crazy? What happened to your old girlfriend? What was her name? Jinhe-"

 

"You know what she did." I quickly interrupted him.

 

"So you think every girl will do the same? Listen to me Jaebum-ah, I'm only saying this because I care about you. It's not every girl that will do what Jinhee did. She apologized right? So why can't you find a good girl?" he asked.

 

I suddenly didn't know what to say.

 

"Do it for mom. You don't want to hurt her right?" he asked.

 

"I'm not trying to hurt her." I quickly said.

 

"Then why are you doing this?" he asked.

 

"Do you think I'm choosing to do this?"

 

"If you're not choosing then what are you doing? With another man. Out of all the things you could do you do something so-"

 

"Enough!" I yelled.

 

He didn't stop talking.

 

"With another man! I hope you haven't done anything that would put you to shame. What are doing to the family name?" 

 

"I said it's enough!" I yelled.

 

"It will be enough if you get rid of that disgusting piece of shi-"

 

"Hey!" I quickly grabbed the collar of his shirt, not being able to hold my anger in any longer. 

 

He's my brother.

 

Jaehun can talk about how disgusting I am all he wants, but to call Youngjae anything like that...I...

 

I guess Youngjae is right when he says I'm too reckless. 

 

But is it reckless to get angry at someone cursing the name of your innocent boyfriend? As if Youngjae was the one that started all of this. It wasn't him. I'm the one that brought him into all of this. I'm the one that confessed. I'm the disgusting piece of that pulled his younger friend into a relationship. 

 

"What? You're angry? Defending him?" Jaehun suddenly said. He didn't look happy at all. The only other time I've seen this expression on his face is when I was in elementary school and I told him about the bullies at my school.

 

He came and fought them. Even if he got in trouble because of me, that day he taught me how to fight and told me not to pay attention to the bullies. I remember Jinyoung and I used to follow him everywhere. 

 

We looked up to him a lot back then. 

 

But I guess we've both grown up. Of course I can't continue to follow my older brother blindnessly. 

 

"...It's not his fault." I mumbled. 

 

"What?" he said loudly.

 

I looked at him.

 

"It's not Youngjae's fault." I said loudly. 

 

"What do you mean? What did he do to pull you in? Sleeping with another guy. It's so-"

 

"I'm the one!" I quickly yelled, tightening my hold on his shirt.

 

"I'm the one that forced him into this. Don't blame Youngjae for something he didn't do!"

 

He stared at me. 

 

"I'm the one that can't let him go." I admitted.

 

All along it's not like I don't know this. Sometimes I really wonder. Am I the one who's pulling Youngjae along? Even if he says he likes me...I sometimes wonder if he's only obediently obeying me as an older brother. 

 

It hurts to think about it.

 

I always think about it.

 

I doubt the relationship we have.

 

Even if I know I shouldn't, and he repeats he does have feelings for me, I always wonder if it's all because I've pressured him into having feelings for me. 

 

So it makes me doubt it. 

 

Even if I know I shouldn't. 

 

"Break it off." Jaehun hyung suddenly pulled my hand from his shirt, grabbing my wrist tight.

 

"No." I replied, staring hard at him.

 

"Break it off or I will." he said.

 

"You don't have the guts." I replied, amazed at my own response. I've never really talked back to him ever. I've never gone against him either. 

 

But we're older now...

 

"You're threatening me? Your older brother?" he suddenly grabbed the collar of my jacket. 

 

"I don't want to fight!" I yelled at him.

 

"Hey! Hey! Crazy bastard I'm your older brother! Who do you think you're talking back to? All for some ty little-"

 

My fist connected with his face before I could even think.

 

Youngjae is right. I'm really reckless. 

 

The words targeted at Youngjae affected me more than I would have liked.

 

It didn't even pass a second before I felt a similar hit to the side of my face.

 

I quickly lifted my hand to hit him back when I was suddenly pulled away.

 

"Hey! Hey! You two bastards if you're going to fight don't do it in front of my kids." 

 

I quickly looked to see the small crowd standing around us. The young kids who stared at us. One of the smallest looked scared.

 

The man behind me held me tight but I quickly began pulling away. 

 

"Take it somewhere else!"

 

"We won't fight!" I yelled back, glaring at my brother. He managed to pull away as well, breathing hard as he glared at me back.

 

"Drunkard bastards!" I heard some of the men around us whispering. 

 

Before we knew it the small crowd was leaving, but not before I could hear the little kids whispering about blood.

 

I touched the side of my lip where the pain was coming from and sighed.

 

"I gave you a chance." Jaehun suddenly said. "I won't let your life be ruined by all of this." 

 

I watched him walking away, touching the pain coming from the side of my lip. 

 

I sighed and walked back to my apartment. 

 

I made it just as his girlfriend was leaving.

 

She ran up to me and tried to ask what happened but I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to talk to her. 

 

Between the two of them, I thought she would at least support me a little. It made me suddenly doubt Youngjae's sister's reaction. 

 

Walking past her I quickly went up to the apartment and straight to the bathroom where I cleaned off the blood from the side of my lip. 

 

Looking at myself I hated it all. 

 

What did I do?

 

I clutched at my hair in frustration, wanting to hit something. I was angry. I was emotional. 

 

What have I done?

 

I want to see Youngjae.

 

I expected him to be in his room, but when I walked in and he wasn't in there I panicked, wondering if he really did try to find us. 

 

I looked in my room and he wasn't there either.

 

So I pulled out my phone and tried calling him.

 

He wouldn't pick up.

 

I called again and again, sitting on his bed in his room, so frustrated that I couldn't even sit after the fifth call and he wouldn't pick up. 

 

"Damn!" 

 

I couldn't stop myself from hitting his desk hard in frustration.

 

Where is he? Where did he go?

 

My heart was beating fast, so I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. 

 

 I ran my hands through my hair over and over again before slowly calming down and slowly opening my eyes.

 

Something quickly caught my eye as soon as I did.

 

I kneeled down and picked up the ring.

 

Next to it was the necklace I gave him.

 

The funny question is what am I trying to prove?

 

If Youngjae doesn't want to wear it I can't force him. What was I thinking of buying another one and lying that there's no meaning? Of course there's a meaning. 

 

I want him to wear it.

 

If he doesn't wear it I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Maybe I am really pressuring him into all of this. From the beginning I've pushed him into so many things. 

 

He's never even dated a girl and I pushed him into a relationship with me - into an intimate relationship with me.

 

I've never missed Youngjae saying he wants to do it for me. Everything - it's because he wants to do it for me.

 

I wonder if he knows that I don't like hearing him say that at all. 

 

Only an hour ago Youngjae was wearing it the ring I bought years ago and didn't give to him for a long time. The ring I wanted to give to him and ask him some other words that have been stuck on my tongue. 

 

Youngjae was wearing it only an hour or so ago.

 

He was actually wearing it without me asking him to wear it.

 

The image went through my mind.

 

"What have I done?" I mumbled out loud, squeezing both the necklace and ring in my hand. 

 

He was right. We should have waited. I should have waited. All because I couldn't wait. Because I was so desperate for his feelings. 

 

But Youngjae already told me he loves me.

 

I don't have to hear it from him.

 

He shows it. Even if it's not a lot, he shows it all the time.

 

So why did I doubt him? Now look what's happening. 

 

I stared at both rings. 

 

I need to see him. 

 

Now. 

 

My feet walked on their own - grabbing my keys - to my car.

 

I didn't know where I was going until I got there. 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Youngjae POV

 

"Hyung."

 

"JB hyung." 

 

"Are you listening to me?"

 

He was staring at nothing. I leaned forward a little to look at his face, but he was staring at nothing. 

 

It was as if he was thinking really hard about something. He probably was. Maybe what happened with his brother.

 

"Jaebum hyung?" 

 

I tried his name again, this time nudging his shoulder. 

 

"Jaebum-ahh-"

 

I felt something warm suddenly touching my hand. I tried pulling my hand away instantly but it was stuck. 

 

When I looked down JB hyung was closing my fingers around something cold he put in my hand. 

 

I looked up at him. "What are you-"

 

"I thought about it a lot..." he suddenly said. 

 

I continued looking at him, confused. 

 

"I won't ask you to wear it anymore Youngjae. Both of them."

 

He suddenly lifted the necklace with the ring in front of my face. I stared at it hard, my heart beating fast.

 

If he was holding that, then I knew what was in my hand. 

 

"I won't force you to wear it if you don't want to." he said.

 

"What are you-"

 

"I won't force you into anything you don't want." he said.

 

"What?" I stared at him.

 

"I've been thinking a lot about the reason why I bought this." he said. 

 

I was too shocked to say anything else.

 

"The one you're holding. You know what that's for right?" he asked.

 

I slowly nodded. 

 

"You don't have to-"

 

"I...I haven't said I don't have want to." I quickly interrupted him, looking down at my shoes. I couldn't look at him anymore. 

 

"Yeah. But I know you don't want-"

 

"Don't say that." I quickly interrupted him. 

 

A short silence passed. 

 

I slowly open my hand and stared down at the ring in my hand. 

 

So embarrassed and nervous at what I was about to do I quickly stuck out my hand in front of him, opening my hand wide so he could see the ring. 

 

"You don't want to keep it?" he asked, grabbing my wrist and picking up the ring. 

 

"No." I quickly replied. "Put it on. W-will you put it on for me?" I asked. 

 

A short silence passed.

 

"What are you saying?" he quickly asked.

 

I caught eyes with him and pointed at the necklace too.

 

"You know that I'm not the type to wear these..." I mumbled. 

 

"That's why I said you don't have to-"

 

"But I want to wear them."

 

"Hey, Youngjae-ah-"

 

"No." I quickly interrupted him. "I know what they mean. I know what they both mean." I stared at him.

 

"These past few weeks I've had a lot of different thoughts hyung...so many thoughts about our relationship." I mumbled.

 

"Like what?" he suddenly asked. 

 

I glanced at him. 

 

"Put it on for me hyung." I said. "Please."

 

He hesitated. He was hesitating so much. But soon enough I saw from the side of my eye as JB hyung stood up. He walked behind me.

 

I had my head lowered so I quickly lifted my head to make it easier.

 

The cold chain on my skin made me shiver. I felt the round ring touch my chest and my heart skipped a beat.

 

Soon JB hyung was sitting down again next to me.

 

I lifted my hand to touch the ring when he suddenly grabbed my hand. I caught eyes with him. 

 

"It belongs on the other hand." he said.

 

I stared, my heart wanting to beat out of my chest. 

 

"C-can you hear my heart hyung?" I asked. 

 

"I hear it loudly." he smiled and I continued staring at him. He was staring at my hand. My right hand. 

 

"This is for the other hand but I haven't asked for permission yet right?" he asked, catching eyes with me.

 

I quickly looked away, my hand going stiff.

 

He's really serious.

 

"Can I put it on?" he suddenly asked.

 

"What...why are you asking?" I glanced at him and JB hyung did something strange all of a sudden. He smiled back at me. 

 

"Why are you smiling?" I asked.

 

"I don't know." he replied.

 

I wanted to laugh, staring at him smiling. 

 

Ah...even his smile makes me happy.

 

"Hey. Are you listening?"

 

His smile was suddenly gone.

 

"Huh?" I stared at him.

 

"Can I?" he asked.

 

I stared at him, then down at the ring.

 

Thinking about it all, why rings?

 

Deep inside I've wondered why rings? 

 

"You're wondering about the rings?" he asked.

 

I was shocked.

 

He laughed and lifted himself up, letting my hand go.

 

"I don't know either." he said, staring out in the distance. 

 

"I know you're not a girl. Not every girl likes rings too. But I wanted to get it for you. Just like you got me that watch remember?" he asked, looking at me. 

 

I laughed, nodding.

 

"But you got me one too right?" I asked.

 

"The ring is different." he said.

 

"It's different." I nodded, looking down at my shoes.

 

Another silence passed between us. 

 

"Maybe we should go. It's getting darker." JB hyung suddenly said.

 

I looked at him. 

 

You're forgetting something. 

 

"You forgot something hyung." I said.

 

He was looking at me. 

 

I stuck my hand out. 

 

JB hyung stared at my hand for a really long time before I felt his warm hand once again around mine. The coldness from ring made me shiver. But JB hyung really put it on me.

 

I stared at my hand that was suddenly gently squeezed.

 

"At home." I said. 

 

He was looking at me with a strange look.

 

"I'll wear it at home but-"

 

The familiar warm hand on my cheek suddenly quickly made me stop talking, my heart skipping a beat.

 

"At home." JB hyung nodded, smiling that same strange smile from earlier that made me want to smile back.

 

Then I quickly looked away when he wouldn't stop staring at me. 

 

"I want to say something." he suddenly.

 

I glanced at him. 

 

"No matter what happens...don't give it back." he suddenly said. 

 

My heart skipped more beats that I could count. I wondered if it was even healthy. 

 

I was embarrassed. I was nervous. I was...I don't know. I had strange feelings all of a sudden.

 

I quickly looked away from him again, looking down at my shoes. His hand was still on my cheek. 

 

Even if it was dark, anyone could see us.

 

I slowly lifted my hand and pulled his hand away, taking hold of his hand now.

 

"No answer?" he asked.

 

"I..." I squeezed his hand. 

 

If I say it...can I trust myself? It's not JB hyung but it's me. Can I trust that I won't give it back to him? There's so many things happening right now. I can't trust what I say...

 

A very long silence passed. 

 

"It's ok." 

 

Even in the dark I could see JB hyung smiling. 

 

"Let's go home." he said, suddenly pulling me up. He didn't wait before he started walking away. 

 

"Ah, wait." I quickly said, running after him. 

 

Walking side by side I sighed. 

 

"I'll wear it hyung. Isn't that enough?" I asked.

 

"It's not." he replied. 

 

My heart was beating fast.

 

When we made it to his car we both sat down in silence. 

 

JB hyung started the car and I sat staring at nothing. 

 

I waited a long time. A very long time. Not knowing what to say, not wanting to say anything that could hurt him. 

 

But finally I said it. I knew why he was telling me not to give it back to him. 

 

"I won't give it back." I quickly said this, turning to look out my side window.

 

"Don't even think about it." he quickly replied. 

 

I couldn't help but chuckle. 

 

Whatever happens...I love you hyung.

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a/n nothing lasts forever.