Call Me JB Hyung: Epilogue  Chapter 6

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Liking someone. 

 

Falling for someone.

 

Saying I like you, all the way to-

 

I love you. 

 

I remember in high school when everyone in my class claimed they were in love. 

 

At that time I wondered what the meaning of love was. 

 

I also wondered what it meant to like someone - or to feel like you really liked someone. I wondered how I would feel when I started to like one of the girls in my school.

 

How would I feel liking someone who wasn't an idol on tv?

 

I wondered if I could use those intimate words just like the people in my class did.

 

Such a heavy word like love.

 

And a slightly intimate word such as like.

 

There wasn't anyone in my class who didn't like someone. I remember even Yugyeom had a crush on an upperclassman of ours. He even confessed and had me wait for him near by.

 

That's how cool Yugyeom was compared to me back then.

 

I still wonder why he stayed my friend even if we were childhood friends.

 

I heard it all though. His confession. I heard what she replied - only thinking of him as a younger brother.

 

Yugyeom wasn't sad, but I felt sad for him.

 

Maybe that's why I could never imagine myself confessing.

 

But I had these thoughts even before that day.

 

I thought it was strange that the only topics the girls in my class ever talked about was their boyfriends and their couple holidays. And all the boys talked about was their girlfriends and doing something else.

 

I guess that's why I was frequently ignored in class.

 

When I think about it now years later...I really was too innocent. I wonder how I didn't even know the basics. Or maybe I refused to know even when there were so many jokes about it. 

 

But that's just it.

 

Past thinking I would never use the words like or love, I also never thought I would get a girlfriend. I never thought I would celebrate couple holidays or do anything...anything that those guys in my class talked about.

 

There are people like this right?

 

Having no interest in those types of things. I wasn't intentionally not trying to get a girlfriend, but I didn't want a girlfriend. 

 

I was too obsessed with my games.

 

I really never thought I would ever want a girlfriend. 

 

So now that it's almost ten years without a girlfriend still, but someone opposite, a boyfriend, it's still something that continues to shock me at times.

 

Not only this, but also how hard I've developed feelings for this boyfriend.

 

Those words I never thought I would ever utter in my life.

 

Did I really put myself in the path of dying without intimacy?

 

I guess I did. I did before I met my boyfriend. 

 

A boyfriend.

 

My boyfriend.

 

But I'm also a boy.

 

No couple holidays.

 

But gifts sometimes. 

 

Not what anyone in this country would call normal...

 

But my normal relationship. 

 

When JB hyung confessed to me, I still can't believe that I believed him to this day. Sometimes I think it was all a dream and I'm not in current reality right now.

 

JB hyung and I are only friends.

 

I'm traveling the world and he's a famous music producer. 

 

Sometimes I have these dreams.

 

But most of the time my dreams are the same.

 

It's more like recently my dreams have become the same. 

 

I still travel, JB hyung still becomes a famous producer, but there's one thing that's added to my thoughts now.  

 

JB hyung. 

 

Me. 

 

Together. 

 

We're both traveling and JB hyung frequently comes home to ask me questions about music. We write music together at times and he travels with me at times.

 

Both of our favorite things merge together. 

 

Our futures merge together. 

 

I frequently dream of this sometimes and I always wake up groggy and confused as to what the situation really is like in reality.

 

In my dreams me and JB hyung can be as happy as we want to be, living together in happiness. 

 

Now this is what is truly something from a movie. 

 

But there's a reason why dreams are only called dreams right? 

 

"Hey."

 

"Are you up?"

 

Through blurred eyes I could see a blurry image. The sound of a familiar voice caught my ears quickly as I felt my shoulder shaking. 

 

"Jaebum hyung?" I mumbled. 

 

"You're awake?" he asked.

 

I nodded, closing my eyes for a few seconds before opening them fully. 

 

I had that strange dream again. 

 

"Are you going to work today?" he suddenly asked. 

 

"Wha...what?" I mumbled.

 

"You have an hour." 

 

"What...what day is it?" I continued mumbling, my voice sounding strange. 

 

I'm so tired.

 

"Monday." JB hyung suddenly replied. 

 

I quickly got up, hearing those words.

 

"What? Monday? What time? What time is it?" I quickly asked, lifting the covers off of me to get up.

 

"You have an hour." he repeated. 

 

I noticed he was already dressed and ready. The only odd thing was that his hair was still slightly wet. 

 

"Why...why didn't you wake me up?" I asked.

 

He stared at me.

 

"What?" I quickly asked. "Why are you staring at me?" I quickly rubbed my face. "I know I look terrible." I quickly said, knowing my face was probably really red and big. 

 

"I'll go take a shower." I said, turning to leave his room. "I'll make it quick!" I said loudly, turning around to look at him when his appearance made me freeze.

 

"...What is it?" I slowly asked.

 

"Go take a shower."

 

Now I was staring at him. 

 

"I'll tell you when you're done." he said.

 

I wanted to stay. I wanted to go sit next to him and see what was wrong, but I also really only had an hour or less to get ready and go to work. 

 

So I turned around and went to get ready. But it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about it all. 

 

It was after the water hit my head when I suddenly had a feeling that I already knew why JB hyung was just sitting and staring at me - why he was refusing to say anything. I had a feeling the injury on his lip from Jaehun hyung had something to do with it.

 

Unconsciously I slowed down my shower, so worried that I didn't know what to think. 

 

By the time I finished everything I only had a few minutes to get to work only a few minutes late.

 

JB hyung didn't tell me what was wrong.

 

I got to work a few minutes late.

 

Even if I was scolded, I couldn't help thinking about what JB hyung had to tell me. 

 

I started thinking that I knew what he had to tell me.

 

But then wouldn't I get a call from my parents? 

 

I got a chance to finally look at my phone during lunch break. My sister called me a total of 10 times, left 5 voice messages, and sent me 3 messages. 

 

It's not that she's not capable.

 

This one habit she has has bothered me since I got a cellphone. 

 

Even if it's not really important she will call more that ten times, leave five voice message, and even send multiple messages. 

 

One time back in high school she did this and I thought something was really wrong. When I called her back it was because she was trying to reach my dad who was at work and couldn't pick up the phone.

 

She wanted him to come pick her up and bring her home while her husband went away on business and her car wasn't properly working. 

 

I remember that day I was so irritated that I told her to stop doing it and that next time I wouldn't call her back.

 

She didn't do it as much since then, only calling about two times and leaving a message.

 

So I'm surprised suddenly looking at her ten calls, multiple messages and voice messages just like that time years ago in high school. 

 

I considered whether or not I should call her back.

 

But I didn't want to risk not calling her.

 

Even if it wasn't something important...

 

Though I don't know why I suddenly felt this strange feeling that whatever she called so many times for wasn't something stupid like back in high school. 

 

Regarding everything going on, I'm on the edge of nerves about whether or not Jaehun hyung really keeps his promise on giving me time to think about it all.

 

Well he didn't promise exactly-

 

I guess his threat.

 

But now I'm even more worried since JB hyung went ahead and hit him. They got in a fight, a fight I think was about me.

 

Who knows what he can do now. 

 

I think this is what JB hyung wanted to talk to me about. It seemed so obvious. 

 

I didn't have to listen to my sister's messages or call her back to know why she was calling me. I didn't have to do anything to know what JB hyung wanted to tell me.

 

I don't remember what I did at work that day, but as soon as I could walk out to the waiting area to see JB hyung standing there waiting for me with his arms crossed and a strange look on his face, my phone started ringing, totaling a number of 12 times my sister called.

 

I ignored her 11th call during lunch break.

 

But seeing JB hyung with that strange look on his face, I decided to pick up her call this time, sitting down in the chair next to JB hyung. He didn't say anything as I talked to her. 

 

It actually didn't take long to talk to her.

 

She wanted to say one thing.

 

When I hung up the phone and sat staring at nothing, my heart was calming down from beating really fast, but I suddenly felt nervous. I didn't know what to say or do. I couldn't move - just like the person standing besides me.

 

JB hyung stood in silence and I sat in silence for a long time when suddenly Soojung came out of the work room. She quickly stopped, staring at us both.

 

"Hey. What's going on. What are you two waiting for? I thought you left already?" she said, walking up to me.

 

"Huh?" I stared up at her.

 

She paused, staring back at me.

 

"Did something happen?" she suddenly asked me.

 

"Nothing happened." JB hyung suddenly said. 

 

I didn't have a chance to react before he was standing in front of me. 

 

"Ready to go?" he asked.

 

I stared up at him, slowly nodding. 

 

"It's ok. We're going now." I quickly said to a worried looking Soojung. She looked really worried but I couldn't tell her what was going on. She didn't know about us, and now I didn't want to tell her.

 

I wanted no one to know. I didn't want to talk about me and JB hyung at all. 

 

We sat in the car in silence until we made it to the apartment. I got another message from my sister and chose to ignore it, feeling irritated that she called me so many times just to tell me to come home.

 

Making me worried.

 

Making JB hyung worried.

 

Actually...I was still very worried. Still nervous.

 

When we walked into the apartment I was already tired. But before I could say I'm going to take a shower JB hyung sat on the couch, motioning for me to come sit next to him. 

 

We sat in silence once again, just like at the clinic.

 

It was a long time before he said anything. 

 

"What did she say?" he suddenly asked.

 

"She wants me to come home." I replied. 

 

He looked at me. 

 

"Right now?" he asked.

 

"She's coming tomorrow. She wants me to go home now but I'm not." I replied. 

 

He didn't say anything.

 

"She just wants to see me that's all." 

 

"Don't lie to yourself." he quickly replied. My heart was beating so fast, really fast. I didn't know what to do because deep inside I had a feeling that JB hyung was right. I was lying to the both of us. My sister only said to come home. Why would she suddenly just say that? If she wanted something else she would say it straightforward.

 

What's with just-

 

Come home?

 

And I was too nervous to ask why. I was too nervous to ask her if she just wanted me to come babysit.

 

I was worried that Jaehun hyung had given up on his threat against me.

 

It made me not know what to do.

 

Lately I don't know what to do at all. 

 

But we couldn't just sit in silence. I wanted to reassure JB hyung. Maybe she really just wanted me to come babysit my nephew like usual.

 

"She didn't say anything about that hyung..." I mumbled after a long time. 

 

He didn't say anything.

 

"I'm going to use the shower." I said, quickly getting up. 

 

In the shower I could only think of one thing. 

 

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"Youngjae?"

 

"Huh?" 

 

Soojung was leaning on my desk, staring at me as I stared back at her, wondering why she was standing next to me. 

 

"Is it time to go?" I quickly looked at the time on my computer.

 

"No." she replied, pointing to my phone. 

 

I then only realized that my phone was ringing over and over again. I quickly picked it up and looked around for our boss. When I didn't see him I glanced at Soojung who nodded and pointed towards the bathroom.

 

It was my sister.

 

"Hello?" I tried whispering in the echoey room. 

 

"I'm home. You come home today too okay?" she said this as soon as she heard my voice. 

 

"Hey...what's this about?" I mumbled, asking her what I should have asked her yesterday. 

 

JB hyung said he knows why she wants me to come home so suddenly. But is it really that she found out about us? Is it really that my sister is going to react the same why Jaehun hyung reacted?

 

"I want to talk to you at home. Come home today okay?" she replied me. 

 

"What? Why are you so secretive. I want to know." I quickly said. My heart beat felt like it stopped.

 

I wanted to know. I needed to know.

 

Why was she pleading for me to come home so suddenly?

 

"I just want to see you." she suddenly said.

 

I stared at the door of the stall.

 

"What?"

 

"Actually...mom and I need to go shopping and I need someone to-"

 

"What?" I yelled loudly, hearing her laughing nervously.

 

"What? What? Hey, Choi Youngjae. Why are you yelling?" she asked. 

 

"You called me so many times. You left a lot of messages. I thought something was wrong." I ran my hand through my hair. My heartbeat still felt like it was frozen.

 

"Is something wrong?" she asked. 

 

"What? No-I mean-"

 

There was a sudden loud bang in the door.

 

"Youngjae! Boss is looking for you!" Soojung yelled loudly and I quickly got up.

 

"Who's that?" my sister asked.

 

"My boss is looking for me. I have to go." I quickly said.

 

"You're at work?" she asked. "Hey, why didn't you tell me?"

 

"You called so many times. I thought something was wrong." I replied her, opening the door of the stall.

 

"I'll come after work I have to-"

 

At the sound of the door I lifted my head to my boss standing with his arms crossed, glaring at me.

 

"I have to go." I quickly said, turning off the phone and quickly apologizing. 

 

"Come on. Get to work. You have all the time to talk on the phone after work. Did you forget you were late yesterday?" he asked. 

 

I continued apologizing and followed him with my head low.

 

But my heartbeat was slowly working again.

 

Even if I was relieved she said nothing was wrong, I still couldn't focus. I couldn't focus on anything and got scolded so many times.

 

I couldn't help thinking about what JB hyung said.

 

How long would it take for Jaehun hyung to say something? 

 

These are the thoughts I had all until the end of work and Soojung was tapping me on the shoulder, pointing at the door. 

 

"He's been waiting for a while." she said. "He came really early today." 

 

"Huh?" I quickly glanced at the door before picking up my phone. I didn't have any missed calls from JB hyung. Not even a single message. 

 

"How long?" I quickly asked, getting up and quickly packing my things.

 

"Only a few minutes. 30 minutes?" she replied.

 

I hurried even more. 

 

I found it strange that JB hyung came so early but didn't send me a message to tell me to hurry up or even call me. 

 

"Youngjae."

 

"Youngjae."

 

It wasn't until she nudged me on the shoulder that I finally focused on Soojung noona calling me over and over. 

 

She stared at me.

 

"Sorry. I have to hurry to my house today." I said, thinking of the promise I somehow made to my sister. 

 

"Wait. I know you're in a hurry but..." she stopped talking and suddenly pointed at something. 

 

I followed her finger to my hand, not understanding what she was pointing at. 

 

"What is it?" I asked, confused. 

 

"Everyone's talking about it." she said. "Suddenly today you came with that on. On that finger." she said.

 

I followed her finger to my hand, realizing something different. 

 

I quickly took off the ring, feeling my whole body go hot.

 

She just smiled at me. 

 

"W-what?" I mumbled, quickly finishing gathering all my things together.

 

"Jaebum is waiting." she said. She didn't wink. She didn't nudge my shoulder or do anymore embarrassing things. 

 

I put my bag on and left. 

 

The thing is, even with yesterday's situation that made me really worried and nervous, somehow I still remembered to take off the ring JB hyung gave me. I don't know why today was so different.

 

I didn't even realize I had it on. I don't even remember putting it back on yesterday.

 

I sighed, running my hand through my hair.

 

I wore it the whole day. Everyone has already seen it.

 

I'm surprised no one else asked.

 

JB hyung was sitting waiting for me. Like usual he didn't notice me at first. So I walked up to him, standing in front of him. 

 

He looked up at me after a few seconds and I smiled wide. 

 

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you wait again." I apologized. 

 

He didn't have any reaction, but stood up and nodded. 

 

I followed behind him in silence, slowly putting on the ring I earlier took off, realizing that everyone has seen me wearing it on the only finger that they would be suspicious of.

 

In the car I got another message from my sister to hurry up. I didn't think JB hyung was paying attention, but suddenly he asked who it was. 

 

"My sister." I replied, glancing at him. "I have to go home today remember?" I said.

 

He didn't reply.

 

"Actually..." I turned to look at him. "...I...need a ride hyung." I mumbled. 

 

"I'll drop you off." he said.

 

He didn't say I owed him to try to tease me. He didn't do anything that he would usually do because he's Im Jaebum. I had a sudden feeling that what we talked about yesterday - what's been happening lately is really affecting him. 

 

"Hyung...JB hyung..." I called out.

 

"Hm? What is it?" he mumbled. 

 

"I..."

 

I didn't know what to say. What should I ask? How should I ask it? 

 

"Umm..."

 

"Do you want me to stop at the apartment first?" he suddenly asked me.

 

"Huh?" I looked at him.

 

"Do you need anything from there?" he asked.

 

"Oh...umm...I guess I don't. I still have some clothes back at home." I replied. 

 

"Ok." he nodded.

 

The silence surrounded us again. 

 

"What is it?" I couldn't stop myself before it came out.

 

"What is what?" he asked. 

 

How should I ask this? What should I say?

 

"Um...what you said yesterday about my sister calling me...it's not true." I quickly said. 

 

He didn't say anything.

 

"JB hyung...why are you like this?" I asked.

 

"Like what?" he asked.

 

"I'm telling you she only wants me to come home so I can take care of my nephew. She wants me to babysit so she can go out with my mom." I quickly said.

 

"Is that what she said?" he asked.

 

I stared at him.

 

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

 

"Just remember what I told you." he said.

 

I stared at him, confused.

 

"No matter what happens...don't give it back to me." he said.

 

I didn't know what he was talking about for only a few minutes before I realized it was about the ring I took off at work. The ring I've been wearing all day in front of everyone at work. 

 

I didn't reply to him, turning to look out my window.

 

When we reached my house JB hyung found somewhere to park. I realized it wasn't very close to my house. Maybe because it's so hard to even find somewhere to drop me off around my house. 

 

"Umm...I'll take the bus tomorrow. Thanks for dropping me off." I said, turning around to take my bag out of the back seat. 

 

Before I could open the door JB hyung suddenly grabbed my arm. 

 

"What?" 

 

I turned around to ask what he was doing when he suddenly kissed me. It was really quick. So quick that I wouldn't even know he kissed me if it wasn't for the quick pressure on my lips.

 

I was surprised. My heart was racing. 

 

It was too late to ask him if he knew where we were. But actually I didn't want to ask him. I had a sudden feeling.

 

I was happy he kissed me.

 

"Umm..." 

 

Even so, my body quickly turned hot.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow hyung." I said, smiling at him.

 

He nodded. I nodded back, glancing at his hand.

 

Slowly I lifted my hand and put it on his, lightly squeezing before opening the door and quickly walking away. 

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"It's Youngjae!"

 

I heard the sound of my sister's loud voice before the door opened. Then I heard the sound of my mom's voice asking why I was suddenly coming over without calling. 

 

"Hey!" my sister said loudly.

 

"Hi." I replied and she pulled me into the house. 

 

"Choi Youngjae-ah!" 

 

The sound of my mom's voice made me cringe. I wondered what I did.

 

If it was because I haven't come home to see her again in a long time then she's right to yell at me. 

 

"Come here." 

 

She pulled me to sit down and stared hard at me.

 

"What did I do?" I asked, a little nervous. My eyes caught my sister's and she shrugged and looked away.

 

"You haven't called Mina." my mom suddenly said.

 

It surprised me. So much that I froze and stared at her.

 

"Hey." she suddenly said.

 

"Oh...umm...what?" I continued staring at her.

 

"Let him go shower. We have to leave in a little while." my sister suddenly said. 

 

My mom didn't let me go at first, but after a few more words from my sister she finally let me go and I chuckled nervously and went to take that shower.

 

My nephew was already sleeping in my room so I quietly put my things down, changed, and went straight into the bathroom.  

 

I was still in the bathroom when there was a knock on the door. 

 

"What?" I said loudly.

 

"Hey! What do you mean what?" my sister replied loudly. "Hurry up. We need to go." she said.

 

"I'm finished. I'm finished. I need to put clothes on." I said, opening the door as I tried to put my shirt on. 

 

"Your hair is wet." she said.

 

"I'm being rushed and I'm also being told to dry my hair. Which one is important?" I .

 

She hit my shoulder and I laughed. 

 

"You can leave already. I'm finished. I just need to dry my hair." I said.

 

She stared at me.

 

"W...what?" I said, walking to my room. 

 

She followed behind me.

 

"Is he still sleeping?" I asked.

 

"I put him in the other room." she said.

 

I could only guess she meant my parent's room. 

 

Her old room is filled with many things.

 

"He didn't wake up?" I asked. 

 

"He's tired. He's still a little sick so make sure to give him some medicine if he wakes up." she said.

 

I nodded, walking to my closet to put my things away. 

 

"I haven't been in here in a long time. Why did mom store so many boxes in here?" I asked laughing. 

 

"She said there was no space. But I told her to clear my room." she replied.

 

I turned to her.

 

"Why are you still here? I thought you were in a rush." I asked her.

 

"What rush? We're only going to the store." she replied.

 

"What...then why were you rushing me?" I asked laughing.

 

She just stared at me.

 

Suddenly I remembered exactly what is going on around me. I remembered what JB hyung said and I remembered that he got into a fight with his brother because of me. 

 

His brother that was threatening to tell about our relationship.

 

I stared at my sister, my heart quickly racing.

 

She was acting strange. Even if she was still the same I could tell something was different. 

 

She was staring at me. 

 

I grabbed a sweater from my closet and let out a big sigh, turning to look at her.

 

"What is it?" I asked her.

 

She looked surprised.

 

"What?" she said.

 

"You're acting strange." I said, walking to my desk. 

 

"I'm acting strange?" she asked. 

 

"You are." I replied. "I'm here to babysit while you're gone right?" I asked her.

 

She didn't move. 

 

"So why are you still here?" I asked, turning on my old computer.

 

I decided to play games while they were gone - since I haven't had time to play many of my favorite games for a long time. 

 

A silence took over the room. 

 

My heart was beating fast and I was really nervous at what she wanted to say so I didn't look at her. I couldn't look at her. 

 

The silence was making me even more nervous.

 

"Hey!" I said loudly, turning to look at her. "Christmas is coming soon right? What present are you going to get me?" I asked her.

 

"Present? Why? Am I your girlfriend?" she asked.

 

"What....what are you talking about?" I said, making a face. 

 

She smiled. She didn't laugh. She smiled.

 

And I quickly noticed her looking at something on my desk. So I followed the line of her sight to what she was looking at. 

 

I was surprised at myself. I moved so fast to grab the two things given to me by JB hyung. 

 

I completely forgot I took them off to go shower.

 

I'm completely forgetting a lot of things lately.

 

First at work, now here?

 

Why did I leave them on my desk? 

 

My heart was pounding as I clenched my fist around the two things and stared at nothing.

 

The room became really quiet. 

 

My heart was pounding and the inside of my hands were starting to sweat.

 

Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it.

 

I repeated these words in my head.

 

JB hyung was right. I just knew it.

 

"So it's true." her voice startled me. 

 

Another long silence passed.

 

I squeezed both rings in my hand tight and stared at the floor with many different thoughts.

 

Thoughts like JB hyung was right. Thoughts like how my sister was going to react. Thoughts like if my parents already knew as well. 

 

"Youngjae."

 

The sound of my name made me lift my head to see my sister sitting on my bed, staring hard at me.

 

"It's true?" she asked again. 

 

"It's true." I replied.

 

I didn't think I would but I did. 

 

She had a strange look on her face. As if she wasn't expecting me to suddenly confess that yes JB hyung and I are in a relationship. 

 

I was surprised at myself.

 

But I didn't want to lie. 

 

I can't keep this secret anymore.

 

Sooner or later Jaehun hyung will tell his parents. My parents will know. It's better that my sister hears it all from me before she hears those other words from Jaehun hyung.

 

I decided this in those few moments of silence.

 

She didn't say anything, only staring at me. 

 

"Hey, I'm waiting." 

 

We both suddenly turned to the door, expecting my mom to come walking in since her voice was so close. 

 

"Ah...he's asleep." she suddenly said in a much more lower voice. I guessed she found my nephew.

 

My mom still didn't come into my room, and my sister was still sitting frozen on my bed.

 

I've known her longer than JB hyung, but sometimes I really can't tell what she's thinking. This is one of those times. 

 

I wanted to ask. I needed to ask. 

 

What is she thinking?

 

I didn't pay attention to it but my heart was really beating crazily. From everyone who has found out about me and JB hyung...I guess my sister, even my brother finding out is the one that most scared me right after my parents.

 

What will she say?

 

Since we were younger she's always taken care of me, much better than my brother. She would do a lot for me and she still does. 

 

I suddenly imagined Jaehun hyung.

 

What is she thinking? 

 

"Hey, the store is closing in a hour. Do you still want to go? What's this? Why are you two so quiet in here?" 

 

We both turned to the sound of my mom's sudden voice. This time she was standing at my door, but as soon as she saw us sitting in silence she walked inside, stopping in front of me to rub a hand through my hair.

 

"Are you feeling okay?" she asked me.

 

I nodded and she sat down on the bed next to my sister.

 

"What's wrong?" she suddenly asked. "It's been a long time since I've sent the two of you like this. The other time you wanted me to pay for that school trip." she said. 

 

I remembered it so clearly. 

 

We were so young then and after telling my parents about a school trip that required money they said no at first. I went to tell my sister and in the end she convinced them for me. 

 

She's always been there for me.

 

"It's nothing. Let's go."

 

At the sound of her voice I stared as she stood up, pulling my mom up with her.

 

"Did you find your keys?" she asked my mom.

 

"Ah, that's what I went in there for." my mom suddenly said, quickly rushing out of the room. 

 

Any other time I would laugh loudly, but I was afraid, I was a little scared.

 

Just a little...

 

...Maybe a lot.

 

I needed to know what she was thinking.

 

Before I could gather the courage to say anything my sister walked past me and started heading towards my door.

 

"Hey!" I said too loudly. 

 

She stopped.

 

"Wha...what are you thinking?" I asked what I wanted to know.

 

She turned around.

 

"Let's talk about it when I get back." she said.

 

"No." I shook my head. "I want to know." 

 

I had a bad feeling. I just didn't know that bad feeling was actually the truth. 

 

From everyone who I'm close with I expected my sister to be the only that would stick close to me. Maybe if she doesn't support me but she would understand me.

 

If even she doesn't understand me then what more can I do? 

 

"To be truthful..." she suddenly started talking.

 

I stared hard at her.

 

"...my younger brother suddenly is like this and I'm...I don't know what to feel..." she mumbled the last part "...but I don't think I'm too happy about this. Would you if it were me?" 

 

Would I if it were her?

 

I've never thought of my sister in a relationship with anyone other than her husband. 

 

But what if she suddenly met a girl before she met her husband? What if she suddenly said she was in a relationship with a girl for almost 10 years and in fact she was planning to marry the girl?

 

How would I react?

 

I would be shocked just like she is.

 

I wouldn't know what to say just like she doesn't.

 

But...but at least I would try to understand her feelings. All I needed was for her to understand my feelings for JB hyung. 

 

I wanted to tell her that I would support her if she was in the same situation as me, but with the sound of my mom's voice she turned around and left my room. 

 

I sat on the bed, squeezing two very important items in my hand. 

 

Time passed by quickly. It was quick but slow. Time was going by, but I was stuck sitting on the bed squeezing two items in my hand and staring at nothing. For me time was going slow. 

 

I don't think I would have moved if my nephew didn't suddenly come walking into my room.

 

He jumped on the bed and rubbed his tummy.

 

Time continued again for me.

 

I pushed everything to the back of my mind, put the two items in my bag, and picked up my laughing nephew. 

 

I watched him eating and then I sat with him to watch tv.

 

Time really was going fast because it wasn't a minute after we sat down when my mom and sister suddenly returned. 

 

They both disappeared for a long time.

 

I listened to the shower go on and off, and then the four of us were sitting on the couch once again, watching a show I didn't recognize. 

 

My sister didn't talk to me. She didn't give me the look she usually gives me when she wants to talk. 

 

It was as if she didn't find out about me and JB hyung earlier.

 

I wanted to keep it that way. 

 

I was frozen again. Stuck in my seat thinking about so many things when I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder.

 

"Hey, you're not going to sleep? I thought you have to work tomorrow?"

 

It was my dad surprisingly.

 

"I told him but he keeps sitting there." 

 

I glanced at my mom.

 

They were both staring at me.

 

Suddenly my heart was racing once again.

 

"W-ah...what? I'm going!" I quickly got up.

 

They were staring at me with a strange expression but I ignored it. 

 

"You can take your old room. I cleared up your sister's room." my mom yelled loudly. 

 

"Ok!" I yelled back.

 

"Take a shower!" she yelled.

 

"I will!" I replied back.

 

"Brush your teeth!"

 

"Mom!" I yelled.

 

"Ok. Ok." I heard her saying.

 

I couldn't help but chuckle. 

 

I took my shower and brushed my teeth and prepared myself to go to sleep just like she was yelling for me to do.

 

 

It wasn't long after I fell on my bed and sighed heavily that there was a suddenly knock on my door.

 

"Youngjae? Are you asleep?" 

 

My sister suddenly opened the door.

 

"I'm not." I replied, lifting myself up. I moved to the wall and leaned back on it, staring at her standing at the door.

 

She walked up to me and I watched as she pulled out my desk chair, turned it around and sat down, resting her arms on the back seat and then her chin on her arms. 

 

This made it so she could stare at me. 

 

I knew what she wanted to talk about. It was so obvious even if she was trying to act as if she wasn't bothered by it. 

 

"I said something horrible earlier." she suddenly said.

 

"Huh?" I stared at her.

 

"I didn't mean that I'm not happy about it." she suddenly said.

 

My heart skipped a beat.

 

I was confused, waiting for her to say more.

 

It's not that you're not happy? So you understand? You understand my feelings for JB hyung?

 

I didn't want to get suddenly excited because even if she just said she didn't mean it, she still didn't have a good look on her face.

 

"Uwah...I never imagined this at all." she suddenly said.

 

"I never imagined it either." I confessed.

 

JB hyung and I...it's really all like something from a drama. No matter how you think about it. Something from a movie or a book.

 

I would have never imagined something like this to happen to someone so plain like me. 

 

To not only finally feel these words of like and love, but to even say them. I want to say them to JB hyung even if it embarrasses me to do it.

 

I like you.

 

I love you.

 

I want to be with only you.

 

"Since when?" my sister's voice quickly pulled me away from my sudden thoughts of JB hyung.

 

I looked up at her, my heart beating a little too fast out of nervousness. 

 

"It's...been a long time." I confessed.

 

"How long?" she asked.

 

I looked away from her.

 

"At the end of this year...it will be year 10."

 

"10 years?" she yelled loudly. 

 

I lifted my head to look at her once again.

 

"That's like a married couple." she said. I could hear the shock in her voice and see it on her face as well. 

 

"Wow...I never imagined this at all." she said once again.

 

"Me too..." I mumbled.

 

A short silence passed.

 

"So...?" she asked.

 

"Huh?" I looked up at her.

 

"How did it happen?"

 

"Huh?...what?" I stared at her.

 

"How did this happen? I mean...10 years Youngjae. My brother has been in a relationship for 10 years and I never once knew. What did I tell you before when you returned from service huh? If there's anything then tell me. You don't trust me that much? Keeping this away from me for 10 years?" she asked all of this, staring hard at me.

 

"Ahh...umm..."

 

"You two kept it a secret from everyone?" she quickly asked.

 

"What?" I stared at her. 

 

"The guys?" she asked.

 

"Huh? The guys?" I repeated.

 

"How did you keep it so well from them?" she asked.

 

"What? No...no...they know. They all know."

 

"So you only kept it from me." she said.

 

"That's not it." I quickly said.

 

"It is...I understand why too...Youngjae..." she called my name just like how she sounded earlier when she said she doesn't feel good about my relationship. 

 

She answered everything for me right then. 

 

A short silence passed. She called my name but she didn't say anything. She wasn't looking at me so hard like she was when she first came in.

 

"Jaehun hyung..." I mumbled.

 

She didn't say anything.

 

"Jaehun hyung told you?" I asked.

 

"You better be glad he told me and left mom and dad alone. He called me saying so many things. I managed to convince him to calm down. He told me everything then." she said. 

 

I didn't know what to say. 

 

"Youngjae..." she said my name once again, pausing for a long time but this time she was looking at me. 

 

"...this is hard." she suddenly said. 

 

I had nothing to reply to that. 

 

Of course I know it's hard.

 

Even she feels that's this is all hard then can she imagine how I feel? 

 

I never imagined all of this would come out so soon, but what I was afraid of all this time, is what is all happening now. 

 

"Youngjae-ah..." my sister mumbled my name for the third time.

 

"You lied to me." she suddenly said.

 

I glanced at her.

 

"You said you would tell me first. If it was anything serious you would tell me first." she said. 

 

"I know..."

 

"This has been going on for years right?" she asked. 

 

I didn't reply.

 

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

 

"How can I tell you?" I replied before I could think.

 

"This...this...between me and JB hyung...how can I just tell anyone?" I asked her. 

 

A short silence passed between us. 

 

"You think it's disgusting too?" I finally asked her.

 

"Too?" she stared at me.

 

"Jaehun hyung said it's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I...doing something like this to JB hyung... I never wanted this to happen." I mumbled, rubbing a hand through my hair. 

 

"You...you like Jaebum?" she suddenly asked.

 

"It's more than just like." I replied, staring at my fingers. 

 

"Uwah..." 

 

"I don't know how it happened either." I started talking, forgetting my sister was sitting in front of me.

 

"When JB hyung confessed to me I thought he was joking around. I thought he was playing a joke on me like the guys did so many times before...but...but then he suddenly stopped talking to me. He was mad at me and avoided me and I didn't want that. He...he told me he wasn't joking..." I mumbled.

 

"At first I didn't believe him. I didn't believe him for a long time but...after so many years now I can't help but feel this way or something...I don't know..." 

 

I looked up at her.

 

"I don't want to lose him." I said.

 

She stared back at me for a long time before releasing a big sigh and covering her face from me, hiding her face in between the chair and her crossed arms.

 

A very long silence passed.

 

"It's been a long time so you two must have done a lot of things right?"

 

I didn't know what she was saying.

 

"What's with the ring?" she suddenly asked.

 

"H...huh?" I was suddenly flustered.

 

From everyone who could find out about the rings, I never imagined it would be my sister. 

 

All because of my stupid mistake she found out.

 

No...because Jaehun hyung told her.

 

He's really giving me another chance? Even after JB hyung hit him? He's telling me to break it off with JB hyung once again. But this time he's making my sister do it.

 

I clenched my fist.

 

And then what? 

 

"Youngjae."

 

After so many years of an intimate relationship with JB hyung, can I really continue my life in a non-intimate relationship with him?

 

Just suddenly change it all?

 

Not because JB hyung doesn't want to be with me anymore...

 

But because we're forced to not be together.

 

Can I really do it?

 

"Choi Youngjae?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"Are you listening?"

 

"What?"

 

I watched my sister sigh. She played with her hands. Played with my chair. Looked around the room.

 

She did all of this before her eyes landed back on me. 

 

"I....never even imagined between...between two guys." she suddenly whispered. 

 

I didn't say anything, but thought it's the same for me. I had many thoughts of not getting a girlfriend at all before. I was insecure. I wasn't interested. I didn't want a girlfriend. But I understood what having a girlfriend would mean.

 

Never ever did I imagine the opposite of a girlfriend.

 

In my world before JB hyung, I only saw guys as a friend.

 

I only still see guys as only friends.

 

So what's with JB hyung?

 

Why does he make me feel different?

 

Why do I only feel different with him?

 

From the beginning until now I've had this same thought.

 

And it could only be answered with those words I refused to believe in back in high school.

 

Like.

 

Love.

 

Why is it so easy for me to think about these words now whenever I think about JB hyung?

 

This is why he's different.

 

Like.

 

Love.

 

In the past I would have never imagined two guys could have this type of relationship so normally like JB hyung and I have had for the past nine and half months. 

 

But we're still in this normal relationship.

 

I think it's normal. 

 

Our normal relationship.

 

But-

 

"This is Korea."

 

I looked up at my sister.

 

I guess she was finally about to say what I've been waiting for.

 

If Jaehun hyung called her then it's for her to convince me just like was trying to convince me.

 

I understood. 

 

This was Jaehun hyung's attempt of giving me my last chance. And my sister agreed to talking to me.

 

Making it so she doesn't want me to be in this relationship.

 

She doesn't approve.

 

She thinks it's disgusting just like Jaehun hyung.

 

I suddenly felt really hurt. Really really hurt.

 

I couldn't look at her as she talked. 

 

"You've always said you want to be a music therapist. That's what you're doing now right? But you've just started this career right Youngjae?" 

 

I listened to her. 

 

"The other time. You said something. You said something about traveling the world. You want to go to America...and even something about Africa to volunteer. You have such a big life ahead of you Youngjae that...that can't be blocked. You understand right?"

 

I continued listening to her.

 

"I'm not forcing you into anything. This is all your choice. Just like it was your choice to accept...to accept him...it's your choice to decide what  you want to do in the end but Youngjae I'm your older sister...it's just...it's not that I think it's disgusting but...I'm worried."

 

I glanced at her and she was hiding her face again.

 

"I'm worried about how others will treat you." she said.

 

"Look at Jaehun. The way he's reacting..." she paused. "...that's most of this country you understand that?" she asked.

 

"Not only you...I'm also worried about Jaebum. His relationship with his brother and his family will be broken because this. Most importantly what will mom and dad think? I don't want them to yell at you and control you like in the past. If they find out it will be like this." she said.

 

"Youngjae..." she paused for a long time. 

 

"....I'm your sister." she finally said. "...I'll accept everything you do even if it's not something I want you to do. It's all your choice but...I'm really worried." she said this for the second time.

 

She's worried. She's worried about what everyone will think of me. About how society will react to a relationship between two guys.

 

Just like Jaehun hyung...

 

That's most of the country.

 

I don't even think 1% of the country would react like the guys did when they first found out. 

 

In the end I understand what my sister is saying. I understand what Jaehun hyung is saying.

 

It's not like I don't.

 

I somehow can understand

 

"I care a lot about JB hyung. I don't want anything to happen to him. I don't want his career to be ruined or his relationship with his family. I want him to live a long and healthy and happy life. 

 

I've always thought this.

 

If I need to be away from him for this to happen then I will. 

 

It's always a thought I've had since the beginning.

 

"If you choose this...if others find out...it will be hard for the both of you." she suddenly said.

 

But it has become hard for me now. With feelings taking over my heart, how can I easily do what I thought of before in the past when I didn't really understand what liking JB hyung intimately felt?

 

"Hearing Jaehun so angry and saying all of those things about you I wanted to hit him so hard for talking about my brother that way but...isn't he right?" she suddenly said.

 

I quickly looked up at her.

 

"No. This isn't disgusting. Liking someone isn't disgusting. You can't help who you love right? Who knows who you will fall in love with...or something like that..." she paused. 

 

"It all seems like something from a drama." she suddenly said.

 

Another short silence passed.

 

"I just...don't want to see the worst of it all happen to you or Jaebum." she suddenly said. 

 

"You both can't do that. Don't...don't let this...don't let this this ruin the both of you. Don't let this happen to my brother's dreams. Or Jaebum's producing contract with his company. Because I know that's what makes the both of you happy." she said.

 

The last sentence reminded me of what Jaehun hyung was saying. But my sister wasn't disgusted with me. She wasn't calling me disgusting or bad mouthing me.

 

She's only telling me how she feels about it all without hurting me.

 

She only cares.

 

Just like I care about JB hyung. 

 

"Think about this more Youngjae."

 

I lifted my head and she was standing up.

 

She stretched and started walking to my door. I stared at her as she opened it. 

 

I thought she had nothing more to say so I looked away, only for her to suddenly say-

 

"Think hard about this...but it's your decision." 

 

The door closed and I released my hand from the hard squeeze. 

 

It was only when I laid down that my phone suddenly began ringing. Quickly I picked it up, already knowing who it was without having to look at the caller ID.

 

I remember in the past JB hyung and I used to have a lot of midnight conversations.

 

Actually it was JB hyung that liked to talk a lot before we went to sleep.

 

I remember he used to tease me a lot more back then. He would say strange things and even act a little strange. Even if I thought he was strange, I still thought it was really cute.

 

The side that he doesn't show usually.

 

"Hello?" I quickly said, smiling wide.

 

"You're sleeping?" 

 

"Jaebum hyung." I said his name even if I already knew who was on the phone.

 

"I can't sleep." he suddenly said. 

 

"You can't sleep?" I lifted myself up, staring at nothing, but listening hard to the person on the phone.

 

"I can't." he replied.

 

I stared at my door, thinking about everything that has happened in the last few weeks...in the past few days.

 

Jaehun hyung. Did he stop by again?

 

"Jaebum hyung..." I mumbled.

 

He didn't say anything.

 

"Did...something happen?" I asked, once again squeezing my fist as I stared at my door, waiting to hear whatever was keeping JB hyung who usually loves sleep from sleeping. 

 

"Nothing happened." he suddenly replied.

 

Another short silence passed.

 

I think it's the first time ever since I met JB hyung that I haven't believed him. He always says to trust him and I always have...

 

He's lying.

 

It made me squeeze my fist tighter. 

 

Something must have happened with Jaehun hyung again. 

 

"Did you get into another fight?" I quickly asked.

 

"Huh? What fight?" he quickly replied.

 

"Hyung-"

 

"It's just that I can't sleep." he interrupted me.

 

"Why can't you sleep?" I asked.

 

The silence came again. 

 

I was about to say something when the sound of my name made me freeze. 

 

"Are you there? Youngjae." JB hyung called out my name again. 

 

"Yes. I'm...here." I quickly replied. 

 

"What happened with your sister?" he suddenly asked.

 

"My sister?"

 

"She suddenly called you over right?" he said.

 

I knew the voice he had.

 

"She wanted me to babysit." I quickly said, my heart skipping a beat. Even if I wasn't lying and my sister did really only want me to come home to babysit my nephew, how could I tell JB hyung everything that happened only a few minutes ago? What me and my sister talked about?

 

When he already doesn't look very well because of everything that has been going on.

 

I can't tell him.

 

"Is that really it?" he suddenly asked.

 

I couldn't answer him. 

 

The silence passed between us again. 

 

"What...what is this?" I said loudly. "...why are we so quiet?" I chuckled in nervousness. I could hear the nervousness in my own voice. 

 

"Are you coming home tomorrow?" JB hyung suddenly asked.

 

Home.

 

Somehow whenever he says this it makes my heart skipped a beat.

 

That's right. Even if this is my family home I still have another home somewhere else. I have a home with JB hyung.The person that can't sleep right now.

 

"I want to see you." 

 

My heart already skipped so many beats that it was now beating out of control at the sudden words. 

 

"You-"

 

"Are you coming home tomorrow?" JB hyung interrupted me. 

 

"Home?" I repeated after him.

 

That word again.

 

"You're coming back right? You won't stay a week or month there will you? Remember in just another week it will be-"

 

"Why would I do that? I won't stay here for a month hyung...why a week? I told you.." I chuckled at his sudden strange behavior that I haven't seen since years ago when we had those strange midnight chats. 

 

"...I told you I just came here to babysit today." I said. 

 

He didn't say anything.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow." 

 

He still didn't say anything.

 

"JB hyung."

 

"Huh?"

 

"Trust me?" I repeated the words he often uses on me.

 

He didn't reply to that.

 

"I'll pick you up tomorrow." he suddenly said.

 

"What...why are you in such a a rush? I told you I'm coming home right?" I asked laughing.

 

"I'll pick you up." he repeated again. 

 

I could hear something strange in his voice, so I just nodded and replied with an ok. 

 

We stayed on the phone together, not really saying much. We didn't say much but we stayed on the phone for another hour. 

 

I know because when I woke up the next morning to rush to work the first thing that popped up on my cellphone screen was the call we had, showing a whole hour more before JB hyung probably hung up when I fell asleep.

 

I went to work wondering when exactly I fell asleep. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

The day went on as usual.

 

Not even Soojung noona bothered me about anything.

 

Even though I knew she wanted to ask me about many things.

 

It's maybe because it suddenly got so busy around lunch break. I was stuck doing paperwork and patient data entry again and as usual I didn't pay attention to anything but the paperwork.

 

So it really surprised me when a hand suddenly landed on my shoulder and someone called out my name.

 

It surprised me so much that I yelled out.

 

"Ah...sorry." I apologized, really embarrassed at my own reaction.

 

It was one of my co-workers.

 

I was surprised once again. Usually Soojung is the only one who comes to call me when JB hyung is here.

 

"Um...I'm sorry to bother you right now Youngjae but there's someone on the phone for you." 

 

"On the phone?"

 

I was surprised.

 

Not matter how long JB hyung has to wait for me he's never called me on the work phone.

 

Grabbing my cellphone I walked to the work phone, checking if maybe I missed a call from JB hyung and he's been waiting too long for me.

 

There wasn't a missed call from JB hyung. There were a lot from my older sister. But there was one message from the person I thought would be calling me over and over by now.  

 

"What...?" I mumbled and picked up the work phone, checking the one message I got from JB hyung. 

 

"Hello?" 

 

"Hey. When do you get off of work? I've been waiting for you for so long." 

 

It was the sound of my sister's voice. I was just being surprised over and over again.

 

"Hey. Do you hear me?" 

 

"You're here?" I asked her, reading JB hyung's message.

 

He was going to be late. No matter what he was going to be late. A sudden meeting and he couldn't miss it. He apologized and apologized and said to take a taxi and he would pay me back. 

 

"Hey. Are you listening? You're saying you're still not done with work?"

 

"What?" I said, paying attention to the person on the phone. 

 

"I'm here to pick you up." she said.

 

"Oh..." I chuckled and apologized. "...did JB hyung ask you to? He's always so worried like I'm a child. I could have taken a bus. Why tell me to take a taxi right? It's expensive..." I mumbled to myself still chuckling.

 

I didn't notice the silence on the phone.

 

"I just need to do one more thing and I'll be out. Sorry for making you wait, but I can't talk on the work phone. I already got in trouble the other day." I quickly said. "I'll see you in a few minutes." I hung up and quickly went back to my desk.

 

Finishing the paperwork wasn't so hard. I was already finished actually. I guess unconsciously I was waiting for Soojung to come over like usual and tap me on the shoulder saying JB hyung was waiting for me.

 

Not today.

 

When I opened the doors to the main area my sister really was waiting. I quickly walked up to her chuckling again as I apologized.

 

"I'm really sorry. Usually I already know if JB hyung is waiting. He called you to pick me up even if I can take a bus." I once again repeated.

 

It didn't shock me, but sometimes I think JB hyung is really overprotective. As if I'm a child that will get lost if I go somewhere myself. 

 

"He's so funny...treating me like a child." I continued talking, still not realizing the strange silence coming from my sister.

 

My sister who's always so talkative. She can't ever stop talking.

 

So why is she suddenly so quiet?

 

I glanced at her.

 

"What...you're so quiet." I said, nudging her shoulder. 

 

"Go to the store with me." she suddenly said. "Mom said we need to get some groceries and I need help."

 

"What...is that why you're so quiet? I'll go with you. Why are you acting so strange?"

 

"I'm not acting strange." she replied.

 

"What..." I laughed. "You always hated to go grocery shopping with mom. But if it was to the mall you would go." I .

 

"Hey!" she suddenly started running for me and I quickly ran away laughing.

 

The drive to the grocery store was in silence after we chased each other for a few minutes.

 

I decided to send a reply message to JB hyung, asking why he called my sister to come pick me up. 

 

He didn't reply for a long time. We finished getting groceries, got back to the car, and was half way to my house when I suddenly got a reply message from JB hyung asking what I was talking about.

 

He didn't understand what I was talking about. He never called my sister to come pick me up.

 

I told him about how my sister came to pick me up and that we got groceries because she wanted me to help her.

 

Once again it took a long time for him to reply.

 

This time I got a little frustrated.

 

We got to my house and unloaded all the groceries. My sister forced me to help put everything away. 

 

Then suddenly she told me to take a shower because I didn't smell good.

 

Before I knew it I was sitting at the dinner table eating. 

 

JB hyung finally replied to my message. It was what he replied with that confused me.

 

Stay over again. I think your sister still wants to talk. 

 

I reread the message over and over again. My sister didn't say anything at all. 

 

I thought she wouldn't say anything.

 

I was almost halfway asleep on the couch when I heard the sound of the tv turning off.

 

I slowly opened my eyes.

 

"I fell asleep?" I mumbled.

 

"You're falling asleep." my sister replied.

 

I lifted myself up and yawned loudly.

 

"Your phone. It's been ringing again and again." 

 

I quickly picked up my phone on the table. 

 

"It's Jaebum."

 

I don't know why my heart skipped a beat at that.

 

 "I'll call him back."

 

"Wait."

 

The hand on my shoulder pushed me back down and I sighed, wondering how JB hyung always knows. He knows. 

 

I know.

 

I know what she wants to talk about.

 

I stared at my phone.

 

I broke my promise.

 

"I even told him to trust me." I mumbled...rubbing my hand through my hair.

 

"What did you say?" my sister quickly asked.

 

"I asked what you want to talk about?" I glanced at her and she look surprised. 

 

"Jaehun called again." she said sighing.

 

I nodded and lowered my head like before, my hand rubbing through my hair.

 

"Youngjae are you thinking about this at all?" she asked.

 

"I am." I replied. 

 

She didn't say anything. 

 

"You're not even looking at me. I'm being serious here." she said.

 

"I'm serious too." I replied.

 

"Hey, Choi Youngjae."

 

"What?" I looked at her. "What is it?" I asked.

 

She stared at me for a long time before looking away. 

 

"You know I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this at all but he's saying he'll tell mom and dad. He's saying he'll tell JB hyung's parents. He's being serious." she whispered. 

 

"I already know." I replied.

 

"So what are you going to do?" she asked.

 

I looked away from her again, lowering my head and running both my hands through my hair in frustration.

 

Before I could think of anything to say my phone started ringing again. 

 

"I'm going to take this call." I said, standing up. 

 

I didn't wait for her to say anything and walked to my room, picking up the phone call and automatically apologizing. 

 

"What...why are you apologizing?" JB hyung asked.

 

"I promised I would come home today." 

 

"What..." he mumbled something I couldn't here. "You didn't promise." and said. "You told me to trust you."

 

"But you can't trust me now."

 

"No. I was late today." he said.

 

"Hyung-"

 

"That's not what I called about anyway." he quickly interrupted me. 

 

I laid down flat on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

 

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked.

 

"My shirt."

 

"A shirt?" I repeated, confused. 

 

"You know that blue button down shirt I wear for important meetings? The one with the stripes. Have you seen it? I can't find it anywhere and I need it for tomorrow." he said.

 

"Tomorrow?"

 

"We have another meeting with another company." he replied.

 

"Really?" I asked, curious.

 

"For a new show. Trainees from different companies will-"

 

He suddenly stopped.

 

"Huh? What? Trainees will what?" I asked.

 

"I'm not supposed to tell you." he suddenly said.

 

I laughed. "But I already know a little piece." I said.

 

"It's just a show for trainees to form a new group." JB hyung said. 

 

I continued laughing.

 

"It sounds interesting."

 

"It is but I need to find this blue shir-"

 

"Why only this blue shirt?" I asked.

 

"Everyone has to wear it." he replied.

 

I heard some noise.

 

"I don't know where I put it last."

 

"Check my room." I continued chuckling at him.

 

"I already did." he replied.

 

"Again. In my closet. Did you forget you sometimes leave things in my room. Check the dirty clothes bin." I said.

 

He mumbled as I heard him go to my room. 

 

I listened to JB hyung's mumbling and mumbling until he yelled something that I knew for sure meant he found the shirt.

 

"Ahh...it stinks. I need to wash it." he said.

 

"You throw things everywhere sometimes hyung. Your not such a clean person anymore."

 

"Hey." he said.

 

I laughed and apologized. 

 

I listened to him. He was moving around. I heard some water. Then he was mumbling about having to clean the shirt.

 

I listened to JB hyung all the way until he really did finish washing the shirt. 

 

Then only did I apologize again for breaking his trust. 

 

"What...go to sleep. You say strange things when you're sleepy."

 

"What? Not me, you. And this is not strange." I mumbled. 

 

"I'll come home tomorrow for sure."

 

"I don't know how long the meeting is going to last.

 

"I'll take the bus." I quickly said.

 

"Youngjae-"

 

"I'll come home." I interrupted him. 

 

"Did you listen to what your sister had to say?" he asked.

 

"I'm coming home hyung. You want me to right?" I asked.

 

"What I want you to..." he suddenly paused. A short silence passed.

 

"You're really tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow." he said.

 

"I'll come home."

 

"Hey, Youngjae."

 

"I'll-"

 

"Goodnight." he said.

 

It surprised me so much that I forgot what I was saying.

 

"Good night." I quickly replied. 

 

I went to sleep repeating to myself over and over again that I would go home. I was so determined.

 

But in the end I'm glad I didn't ask JB hyung to trust me again. 

 

He wasn't mad at me but I was really mad at myself. I was mad at myself and my sister. 

 

Then I got mad at Jaehun hyung.

 

At everything that has been happening. 

 

I ended up staying until Friday of that weekend, with only the next few days to go until the new year. 

 

It was that Friday night at home when I got a call from JB hyung that I picked up my things and left my house.

 

When I picked up my phone that night, laying on my bed being angry at everything and everyone...when I picked up my phone JB hyung only said two words that made me get up, sort my things and leave.

 

Come home.

 

He only needed to say this. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

I was a little more than nervous.

 

Sitting in the taxi, my hands shaking, my legs shaking. It felt hot even if it was really cold and I even forgot to take my jacket. 

 

I rushed to the apartment as soon as I paid the taxi driver.

 

I was rushing but I was really so nervous. I couldn't tell myself why I was so nervous. It wasn't like JB hyung and I didn't talk at all the week I spent at my house. We talked every night. 

 

Just like in the past, but on the phone.

 

Every night I was waiting for him to ask me to come home. 

 

I knew he wanted to say it. But maybe keeping it in to not sound selfish. 

 

Why else would he call every single night?

 

Maybe I try to please the people I care about too much.

 

I said I would come home but every day after work even before JB hyung arrived, my sister or my mom would come. They would tell me to go grocery shopping, the would tell me I needed to babysit. 

 

My sister would tell me she needed to talk. 

 

JB hyung wasn't saying anything and I was trying to please my family. 

 

Punching in the keycode took me longer than usual, not because I was gone away for so long but because I was so nervous that my hands wouldn't let me get the right key.

 

But I guess I didn't even need to when the door suddenly opened.

 

I stared at JB hyung as he stared at me.

 

"Hi." I said, scratching the back of my neck at the sudden strange feeling. I felt really strange. Not nervous, but a strange feeling I didn't have words for. 

 

JB hyung stared at me and I could only stare back, smiling a little, wanting to push at his shoulder so he could stop staring and let me in. 

 

"Idiot." he suddenly said.

 

I looked at him and was about to say something just as he grabbed my arm and pulled me inside.

 

I almost fell.

 

I almost fell but while a hand was wrapped around my arm, the other suddenly went around my waist and JB hyung helped me balance and stand on my feet.

 

I laughed at myself.

 

"It's like I had something to drink." I said loudly.

 

He didn't say anything. 

 

"I had to sneak here you know. I left without saying anything." I said.

 

He nodded and started walking into my room. I followed him.

 

"What? You're sleeping in here now?" I asked, noticing that my bed was a little messy. But it's maybe because I never fix my sheets when I get up anyway. 

 

"I wanted to play a game." he said, sitting on the seat in front of my desk.

 

I stared at him, walking to my bed to sit down. 

 

I didn't find his answer to be strange. Even if we have the same gaming computer, sometimes mine works better and I have more games than JB hyung.

 

A long silence passed and I just watched him playing the games. 

 

"You said to come home." I said after a long silence of just staring at him struggling with the game he's usually not too well at. I wondered why he was playing it.

 

Finally I watched as he froze and turned the whole chair. Now he was sitting facing me, staring back at me.

 

We stared at each other.

 

"Wh...what?" I chuckled in nervousness this time. I still had the strange feeling, but this time I knew I was nervous too. 

 

Before I could say anything else JB hyung was standing up. He walked towards me and suddenly kissed me.

 

I wasn't shocked.

 

He kissed me again and I returned it.

 

Suddenly I was pushed down onto the bed and JB hyung somehow was on top and he was kissing me faster that I could return. 

 

"Wait. You're going to get-"

 

Do you know those passionate kisses in dramas?

 

Not the ones in the dramas, but in Western movies that BamBam shows me. The ones where the hero finds the girl he was sent to protect and they fall in love and they have this very passionate kiss that sometimes grosses me out.

 

That kiss.

 

I couldn't kiss back. 

 

He was going too fast for me. 

 

JB hyung wouldn't let me breath. 

 

And when I did finally catch my breath I felt the movement of a warm hand touch somewhere where I felt very very good.

 

The same place JB hyung was rubbing up against me. 

 

And then hands were touching the skin on my stomach, then sliding past the fabric of jeans on my waist and into my pants. 

 

"Wait. Wait. Wait." I finally gained back my senses and grabbed the arm of that said hand, stopping it from where it was going. Even though I didn't want to.

 

From JB hyung rubbing on me so much I needed to do something about it quick. But there was also another problem.

 

JB hyung asked me to come home. 

 

He would never do that unless he really wanted me to come home. 

 

He pushed away his pride and told me to come home.

 

I came home knowing that we wouldn't just go to sleep tonight. I knew something would happen.

 

If JB hyung's is kissing me like the kisses from a Western movie then I quickly knew we would be doing more than just touching. 

 

I used my other hand to push at his chest as he stared down at me.  

 

He was staring hard. Maybe annoyed that I stopped him. 

 

If I felt the feeling in my lower stomach and wanted to fix it as quick as possible, then JB hyung was probably feeling worse. I understand his feeling when he rubbed against me the first time. 

 

He not even thinking about anything besides doing this right? I wonder if it will be any different today. I wonder why I stayed at home so long when I said I would come home.

 

I was thinking about other things so suddenly.

 

"Youngjae."

 

When JB hyung said my name we caught eyes. 

 

Quickly letting go of his hand that was still slightly under my pants I put both my hands up in front of him to plead. 

 

"I know. I know. But...it's just..." I mumbled in embarrassment.

 

The only other time when JB hyung was this quick he really didn't let me shower. 

 

Showering isn't even the problem now since I took one at my house before he called me to come home. It's that I have to prepare myself for what's about to happen. It will be hard and uncomfortable for me if I don't. I know this because it happened that one other time he didn't let me shower. 

 

Besides thinking about how I smelled, in the end it wasn't good for me at all. 

 

"Just...let me shower this time okay?" I asked, glancing at his reaction. 

 

Even if I already took one, I needed another one to prepare myself for what was about to happen.

 

I didn't have to wait for him to say anything or do anything. JB hyung's face didn't change as suddenly I was being pulled to the bathroom. 

 

No matter how much I protested he forced his way into showering with me. He gave me the space to prepare myself but throughout the whole shower he was being like how he's been these past few weeks.

 

Clingy. 

 

Just before I laid back on the bed with JB hyung I sent a long and detailed message to my sister.

 

No matter what happens, it's hard for me to let JB hyung go. I don't know how it's turned out this way but I've already fallen for him when in the beginning I didn't believe it myself. It has turned into something that I believe now. I love JB hyung and there's nothing that will make me not love him. I care about him a lot and want to protect him. If it comes a day when I have to do something drastic to protect him...then I will. But at this moment...can't I just be happy with him?

 

Warm hands my whole body and I shivered.

 

Kisses were also everywhere and it made me really embarrassed. 

 

JB hyung wouldn't let me return anything. 

 

Is it embarrassing to say that that night he serviced me? Is that even the right word?

 

It's an embarrassing word. 

 

But JB hyung didn't let me do anything. He treated me the same way as the very first time we tried it.

 

He was so gentle and slow that I almost begged him to stop. 

 

But I didn't. 

 

I fell asleep with a newly clingy person tucked beneath my arms. He was hidden under the covers that covered half of my body. JB hyung's face was pressed against my stomach and his arms wrapped tight around my waist. 

 

What an image.

 

But he was really doing something like this.

 

At first I tried to pull him away from his hold on me, but he really wouldn't let go. I even saying he missed me so much, but he didn't even reply to the teasing. 

 

I could only give up and smile. 

 

At some time of that night I fell asleep listening to JB hyung mumbling some things that I don't remember. 

 

I also remember warm breath on my stomach that tickled just a little. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

a/n short. but it's because next chapter will be a lot.