What makes me cry out of the blue
Is that you may be thinking of me

Not a day passes by that she does not regret leaving her. It wasn't even her decision, and that frustrates her entirely- it still does, even after three years. (Why would she decide to leave the one she loves and put herself in eternal misery? Of course, it isn't her own decision.)

Not a day passes by that she does not fight the battle in her heart to leave wherever she is and run back to her. But she doesn't anyway, because she doesn't have the strength. Her contemplation simply ends in tears every single day, with the intensity depending on her mood for the day. 

Yuna watches as the snow falls from the sky and mindlessly lifts up a hand to let her palm collect a few snowflakes. As she looks closer into her palm to admire the shape of the snowflakes (that however melt too quickly before she can see them), she realises that similarly, her tears are falling. 

"First snow," she whispers, and her heart aches because she knows what it means. 

-

"It's snowing," Yuna watched as the girl walked beside her with an outstretched hand, excitedly gazing at the falling snowflakes.

Yuna somehow felt her heart skip a beat as she witnessed the somewhat adorable sight before her, but decided to ignore the feeling. "First snow," she muttered and her lips slowly curved into a smile.

"Wow, I never knew I'd be spending such a moment with a stranger I don't even know," the girl said without taking her eyes off the sky and laughed. 

Yuna kept closed, not knowing how to answer. 

"Ah I was just joking, I'm sorry," the girl stopped laughing and apologised, taking her aback. 

"It's okay," she replied without much expression, and they continued walking ahead.

Yuna sighed as she checked the time when the two stopped before a tall building that seemed to be her destination. She felt relieved to be able to reach her workplace way earlier than planned, thanks to the help of a kind girl who had volunteered to lead the way for her. She couldn't help but feel a lightness in her chest, for she was so anxious about the journey, knowing her own bad sense of direction and clumsiness.

"I'm so sorry to trouble you," she bowed repeatedly despite guessing that the girl was younger than her, "Thank you very much," she said again.

The girl smiled and shook her head. "No problem at all. I have a lot of time left before my lessons," she answered and smiled once again, this time even brighter, and wider.

Yuna felt her heart flutter at that.

She didn't know she was holding her breath until she tried to speak and found herself lacking air. "I," she took a breath, "I don't know how should I thank you," she softly said, but her eyes did not leave the smile on the girl's face that seemed to draw her in too much. 

"It's okay," the girl released a laughter that sounded as melodious as bells to her ears, "We might see each other around, since my college and boarding house, as well as your workplace here, are all in the same district."

"Okay," Yuna smiled, "See you around then." 

 "I'm Hwang Eunbi, nice to meet you," the girl stretched a hand out.

Surprised, Yuna stood still for a second before returning to her senses. "Choi Yuna," she tried to smile despite the odd nervousness she was feeling and reciprocated the handshake.

-

Yuna wonders if Eunbi is okay. Yuna wonders how Eunbi is living, for every single day without her. It pains her and it worries her, to not know a single thing about how Eunbi is doing. Could Eunbi be alright without her? Either way, it would leave Yuna broken to think about it. Tears fall when she tries to imagine the life of Eunbi alone, lost and lonely without her. It would also pain Yuna severely for her to think otherwise, to think that Eunbi can live perfectly fine without Yuna in her life as if it was no problem for her to leave, as if she had never loved Yuna.

But Yuna knows that she shouldn't be selfish, and hopes that Eunbi can be happy without her. 

Yuna cries when she thinks of Eunbi, when she's missing Eunbi. She has gotten herself completely out of Eunbi's life, but likewise, despite having gotten Eunbi completely out of her own, after three years of pulling through, Yuna thinks she cannot survive.

How can I live without you?

author's notes:

not sure if you've noticed, but i used present tense to write the present and past tense for the past :) hahaha 

been able to write today because i took a sick leave from school today HAHA slowlyyy recoveringgg