FIVE UPDATES - please start reading from chapter 19 onwards

_______________________________

Kai woke up the following morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. He turned around and moaned as he reached out to grab his phone to check the time. He realised that it was still turned off from the night before and he sighed as he turned it on. He saw that it was only 10:15AM and he laid his head back down on the pillow as he checked his notifications. There were 40 missed calls, 12 voice messages and 33 messages from Kyungsoo which he cleared and then he saw that he had a few missed calls from Taemin. He was about to message him to ask what he wanted when his phone started ringing. Sehun’s name flashed on the screen and he answered with a slightly confused expression on his face “Sehun?” From the other side of the line he heard Sehun sigh in frustration as he shouted “Yah! Kai you idiot, where have you been?! Tae and I have been trying to contact you since last night.” Kai rubbed his eyes “Sorry I wasn’t really in the mood to talk. What’s up? Why do you sound so frantic?” Sehun sighed again “When you left the party last night…Lay collapsed. Your friend Kris rushed her to hospital.” Jongin shouted “WHAT?!” and jumped out of bed as he frantically searched for something to wear. “You need to get down there and see her Kai-ah. Tae and I have already seen her this morning. We couldn’t wait for you man. But she’s your girl, she’s fine but still…you should go down and see her. Show her that you care. She’ll probably be hella mad if you didn’t bother to see her when she was in hospital. Besides she probably fainted because she saw you getting jealous when Kris was going to kiss Kyungsoo. She’s not blind. You need to reassure her that you like her and not Kyungsoo anymore.” Jongin rubbed his forehead not expecting to get chided by his friend so early in the morning. “Alright I’m heading there now” he said as he hung up the phone and quickly got dressed and headed downstairs.

He heard his parents in the kitchen chatting quietly and they silenced as he entered the room. “Hi Guys, sorry about last night, I was in a bad mood. But I have to go now, Yixing, my dance partner is in the hospital and I need to check on her” he spoke quickly as he put on a jacket and pocketing his keys. “Jongin wait…” his Father spoke halting his son’s movements instantly. Jongin turned to look at the older man who then continued “Is everything ok? Kyungsoo…came last night but I sent her away as it looked like you both had been fighting. I hope you don’t mind. Also, even though you fought I hope you are still planning to go through with the audition” he asked looking at his son expectantly. Jongin stilled at the question but then responded “Dad I don’t have time for this, sorry. We’ll talk later.” With that said he turned and left the house leaving both of his parents in a worried state. His mother moved across the dining table behind his Father and hugged him “I just hope he doesn’t throw away his future. He can be so great…” His wife hugged him tighter whispering “I know. We just have to trust that he will do the right thing.” Her husband nodded and responded to the hug as they heard the sound of the garden gate closing as he left. 

Jongin ran all the way to the hospital, no other thoughts in his mind other than making sure that Yixing was OK. He felt guilty for leaving her at the dance when he knew that she was in a bad state and he blamed himself that she was in the hospital. As he entered the hospital, he approached the main reception and tried to catch his breath as he asked “Zhang Yixing, where is she?” The nurse behind the desk was taken aback by the younger’s dishevelled state but answered “What is your relationship to the patient?” Jongin froze knowing that they wouldn’t let him see her if he said that he was just a friend “I’m her boyfriend!” The nurse then nodded as she informed him “She is in room 12B, down the hall and second door to the left.” He bowed to her and as he was about to leave he heard a young and attractive doctor from behind say “Wow! Yixing-shi is very popular I see. A boyfriend AND a fiancé, she must keep herself very busy.” Jongin scrunched his face in confusion as he looked at the doctor who simply smiled charmingly in return when the nurse interrupted “Dr Siwon, that’s not funny!” Jongin didn’t have time to process the situation and he simply ran down the hall as fast as he could and knocked on the door to Yixing’s room.

“Come in” he heard Yixing say from the other side and without hesitation he walked hurriedly into the room. He saw Yixing sat on the hospital bed with the drip in her arm and tears formed in his eyes as he approached her hugging her tightly. He her hair as he maintained the hug and whispered “I’m sorry Lay. I’m so, so sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m sorry that I left you there and then you collapsed.” He leaned back and held her hand between his as he took the chair beside the bed and asked “What happened? Did the doctors say what’s wrong?” Yixing looked at Jongin sweetly with nothing but love in her eyes as she said “I’m fine Kai. There’s nothing wrong with me. I passed out because I was malnourished. It wasn’t your fault for leaving me there.” A look of relief came over Jongin’s face as he processed the information, Yixing then noticed that Jongin’s actions were exactly the same as Kris’ the previous night when she had woken up. But the feeling, that was different. With Kris when he held her tightly in his embrace, she felt excited like her skin was set ablaze when he was in such close proximity to her. With Jongin on the other hand she felt safe and warm knowing that her friend was here to care for her. She smiled at him and took her face in his hands as she lightly pecked his cheek. His face reddened as he blushed not expecting the sudden skinship. Yixing then said “Thanks Kai. I’m so glad you’re here. You really are my best friend.” The smile on Jongin’s face grew as he tightened the grip on her dainty hand. “There’s something I need to tell you Kai…I’m pregnant” she said, a smile on her face as she was still not used to saying the words. Jongin’s jaw dropped as he asked “I-i-is it…mine?” Yixing looked at him confusedly and then slapped him on the back of the head “How would it be yours, you moron?!” He rubbed the back of his head before answering “I dunno…we’ve been getting close lately and the way you told me was like you were hinting that…I was the Father.” She rolled her eyes before slapping his head again “No you idiot! I was telling you like I would tell a friend some sensitive news. You’re such an idiot Kkamjong! Just when I think you’ve matured a bit…” The pout on Jongin’s face grew which triggered Yixing to coo at her adorable bestie. She pinched his cheeks and protested loudly but secretly he was enjoying the attention immensely.

“So…it’s Kris’?” he asked eyes downcast. “Mmhmm” Yixing replied. “How do you…feel about that?” he asked, worried about broaching such a sensitive subject. “I’m happy…I think. Having a family with him is all I’ve ever wanted” she replied now sure of her feelings about the situation. Jongin nodded before probing further “Even after…last night?” She then forced him to look at her before responding “Yes – even after that…I know I said that I didn’t want anything to do with him while this plan was in motion, but I think…the baby changes things. Also I think…he might be rethinking some things. So I will wait and see what he chooses. But whatever he decided…I’m keeping my baby. Besides even without a Father, she will have an awesome uncle Kai to look after her.” Kai looked into Yixing’s eyes, tears forming in his as he whispered “Her…it’s a girl” then he gently caressed Yixing’s hand afraid that if he held her tighter she might break. Yixing was overwhelmed by Jongin’s sweetness, how was this boy even real? He was the loveliest human being she had ever met. She smiled as she asked “Would you like to feel her?” Jongin nodded violently as Yixing shifted his hand towards her belly and Jongin slowly rubbed her clothed stomach. He leaned a bit closer and spoke softly “Hey…little one. It’s your uncle Jongin. I’m looking forward to meeting you. I bet you’re going to be amazing…I mean you come from my two best friends in the whole world. You’re going to be the coolest baby that ever existed. And I will always be here for you” and with that he removed his hand and smiled brightly at Yixing. Yixing gripped his face in her hands and hugged him tightly “Thanks Kai. Thank you so much.” He hugged her back enjoying the warmth “Don’t worry Lay-ah, everything is going to be just fine.” They stayed like that for a while before Jongin leaned back into his seat and Yixing filled him in on everything the doctor had said.

“So are you ready for the audition tomorrow?” Yixing asked hesitantly recalling the events from the dance. Jongin looked down at his fingers before answering “There’s not really any point anymore is there? She deserves so much better than me…how pathetic would I be if I followed her all the way to college? She’ll soon realise that I’m not worth the trouble…if she hasn’t already. I’m just speeding up the process. Saving us both some suffering.” He smiled but unlike earlier when they were discussing the baby, this smile did not reach his eyes. “Kai-ah, you do deserve her. You are the kindest person I have ever met and you deserve everything you want in this world.” He looked down at his hands as he began playing with his fingers and shook his head in disagreement. Yixing sighed before continuing “Listen to me. You do deserve it but…I know that you think because you’re poor you have no right to claim her. This is not something I can convince you of; it’s something you have to see on your own. But let me just tell you Kim Jongin, you are the kindest and bravest person I know and she is lucky to have you and I know that she knows that too. She is probably regretting everything right now…like Kris. You need to talk to her.” Jongin responded without raising his head “I’m just not…ready yet. I’m not ready to talk to her. I’m still too angry and I’m worried I’ll say something that I don’t mean and then I’ll regret it.” Yixing nodded “That’s a very wise decision Kai. I’m proud of you. But whatever you decide to do with Kyungsoo shouldn’t affect whether you do the audition or not. I know you originally wanted to do it so you could stay with Kyungsoo…but Kai…this is a great opportunity for you. Even if things don’t work out with Kyungsoo…or even if they do…this is your chance to dance professionally. And Kai you are an amazing dancer, I know that you will thrive in that environment. Don’t waste this opportunity.” Jongin nodded showing Yixing that he had considered her opinion before responding “I’ll…think about it.” She smiled at this and placed a hand on his shoulder to grab his attention “Besides someone is going to have to teach this little one how to dance” she said as she caressed her stomach. “And I can’t think of anyone better than future professional dancer Uncle Kai.” Jongin smiled at this imagining teaching the little one all of the basic ballet steps in her little tutu and he couldn’t wait. “I’ll definitely think about it” he said before he stood up. “I’ll leave you to rest up since you are getting out in a few hours. Don’t worry about school, I’ll bring you the notes in a couple of days so just rest up.” She nodded at this and as he was about to leave he placed a kiss on her forehead and smiled at her brightly “I’m so happy for you and Kris…you will be great parents. And I know that I’m not too happy with him right now but I know that you can trust him Lay. He really loves you and he’s always wanted kids so he will give his life to protect you both. Just remember that and try to forgive him.” Yixing nodded heeding the advice and Jongin turned and left the room. 

Jongin had already given up on going to school that day, he couldn’t find the energy to learn. His phone had stopped buzzing, there were no more calls or messages from Kyungsoo “maybe she has given up on me?” he thought. He tried to shake these uncertain thoughts from his mind and tried to focus on what he would do the following day. He was still undecided. So Jongin did what he usually does when he had an important decision to make, he took a nap hoping the answer would come to him in his dreams. When he woke up things were in no way clearer to him lay in his bed looking up at the ceiling. Most of the day was spent that way and he only left his room for meals which he had to prepare for himself as his parents had left earlier to go to a wedding, or at least that’s what the note on the fridge said. As he heated his dinner that his mom had left him, Yixing’s words came into his mind “whatever you decide to do with Kyungsoo shouldn’t affect whether you do the audition or not. I know you originally wanted to do it so you could stay with Kyungsoo…but Kai…this is a great opportunity for you.” And Jongin knew that she was right, while he had never considered it before, this really was a great opportunity for him, one that he couldn’t afford to pass up. Images of his Father’s smiling face when he told him that he was applying for early admission passed through his mind. “Let’s do it!” he said aloud, not that anyone could hear him. His mind was made up.

The following morning Jongin was outside the audition hall which luckily was being held in Seoul which meant he didn’t have to travel all the way to the university to audition. As he waited patiently outside he noticed some of the others auditioning and they all looked nervous and were practicing their routines again and again trying to perfect it while others were warming up their bodies so they didn’t cramp during the performance. Jongin had no such inclinations, he wasn’t nervous at all, he still wasn’t even sure if this was what he wanted but he knew that he would regret it  if he didn’t at least try. So he sat there waiting until his name was called and he entered the theatre through the large wood double doors.

The room was smaller than he expected and the judges were very close to the stage that he could clearly make out their features which he was grateful for as he always enjoyed seeing the audience’s reactions during his performances. The smaller of the three judges, a male in his mid thirty’s who was clearly a classically trained ballet dancer based on his slim yet firm build, was the first to speak “So Kim Jongin, I see you are performing your own version of Swan Lake for us. Please begin when you are ready.” Jongin bowed and stood at the centre of the stage and as the music began he took a deep breath and raised his arms but as he was about to begin his well rehearsed ballet performance, his body refused to move. He was frozen in place and after realising that his body had no intention of moving he lowered his arms and stood straight. He bowed apologetically to his judges before saying “I’m sorry…I can’t do this performance. I’m not in the right frame of mind to dance Swan Lake. I’m sorry to have wasted your time” he bowed once again and turned to leave.

“So when you aren’t in the mood, you can’t dance?” the judge from earlier inquired. Jongin turned around to address his examiner “No Sir…I can dance. I can always dance, my body is always ready to dance. I just can’t dance the swan lake. When I choreographed that performance my inspiration was love and joy which that ballet piece suits perfectly. But I can’t get into that mindset so I know that I couldn’t perform that song. That perfect piece, I wouldn’t want to ruin it when my mind and body aren’t really in it. I hope that you can understand.” The female judge sat in the middle with a stern expression on her face then spoke up “That’s a shame. I had high hopes for the boy that thought he could tackle Swan Lake. But I have to say that I’m quite disappointed with the outcome.” The first judge then interceded “So was I. If you can’t bring yourself to perform the Swan Lake because you can’t tap into those emotions at this moment…can’t you show us how you are currently feeling instead?” Jongin was taken aback by the question, he thought that the judges would be annoyed by his inability to perform but they were willing to give him a second chance and Kim Jongin was never one to disappoint his audience. He pulled out his phone and searched through his music list and he smiled when he saw the song that he wanted to perform. Before he played the music he said “I choreographed the Swan Lake for the love of my life who makes me feel joy and fills me with warmth but she hurt me…badly. But even then…I can’t give up on her. No matter how much she hurts me, I’ll always go back to her. And this song captures that.”

He passed the phone to the AV guy and took his place at the centre of the stage. He took a deep breath and the music (K.Will – Ggoom) began, the sad solo violin making a deep echoing vibration across the hall. The judges recognised the song within seconds, they were thoroughly taken aback by the bold music choice. Never had they heard of someone choosing a music piece with vocals for their audition as words often distract from the dancing and most dancers would rather the audience focus on their movement than be captivated by the singing. The smaller judge smiled as he realised that Jongin wasn’t afraid of them falling into the beauty of the vocals as the young dancer was already lost in it himself.

Na saranghachi mothage
Charari naye nuni molge haebarom kochiji
Wae naega kudaewi
Arumdaun buge mandul-omnunchi

Na ijen nomu nujochi
Kudaenunimi nae-ane pochyo
Sshiso naeryohaedo chiwboryohaedo
Kkutobshi-un-mume jomjom bonchyoman ga

You should have blinded me
So that I couldn’t love you
Why did you let me see your beauty
It’s too late for me, you are inside me
I try to erase you and wash you
Your presence swells in me

Jugumshing jichyogachi
Nomuna iksonghan apume
Ssurojirago naye okkaerul jitnurumyonso
Sesangun marul haji
Nanun kkumul kkwosanunandwinnago
Amuron hwimangdo nowayi sarangdo
Naegen horangdwichi anhun-gorago

Little by little, I grow tired of the familiar pain
Stepping on my shoulders so that I fall
The world tells me not to dream
That there is no hope for you and me
Nor is love allowed between us

Na kkumul kkuji mothage
Charari naye sumi motke
Narul deryokaji wae narul yogi
Kudaewa hamkke namaitke hanunji

That I may not dream, or better yet
So that my breath stops,
You should have taken me
Why do you make me stay here beside you

Na amu kkumi opsotji
kudaeyo sal su issotkiye
Kkumul kkuge dwimyon saranghage dwimyon
Doung do himduro chinun kol alkiye

I had no dreams, that was the only way I could live
For if I dream, if I love
I know it will that much harder

Jugumshing jichyogachi
Nomuna iksonghan apume
Ssurojirago naye okkaerul jitnurumyonso
Sesangun marul haji
Nanun kkumul kkwosanunandwinnago
Amuron hwimangdo nowayi sarangdo
Naegen horangdwichi anhun-gorago

Little by little, I grow tired of the familiar pain
Stepping on my shoulders so that I fall
The world tells me not to dream
That there is no hope for you and me
Nor is love allowed between us

Nol katgo shipo na chaggu yongshimi saenggyo
Nado ije haengbokhae chigu shipo ooohh..
Amuri pogi haryogo haengpwado
Nae nunun kyesong
Nol hyanghaeso momchwososo isso
Kyesung kkumul kkumyonso

I want you, my desire grows
I, too, want to be happy
Doesn’t matter how much I try to quit
My eyes keep lingering on you
Continuing to dream

Jugumshing jichyogachi
Nomuna iksonghan apume
Ssurojirago naye okkaerul jitnurumyonso
Sesangun marul haji
Nanun kkumul kkwosanunandwinnago
Amuron hwimangdo nowayi sarangdo
Naegen horangdwichi anhun-gorago

Little by little, I grow tired of the familiar pain
Stepping on my shoulders so that I fall
The world tells me not to dream
That there is no hope for you and me
Nor is love allowed between us

As Jongin danced through the song that he had no choreography for, he simply allowed his body to move fluidly to the song. His moves started off as ballet but then he switched styles with jazz and modern art. There was no pattern to the movement but what he lacked in consistency he made up for in power. The performance was strong and Jongin’s expression of longing and sadness added a layer of depth to the piece that the judges had never seen before in their decorated careers. As he became more confident in himself and the performance moved along his movements were a lot more fluid as he was taken in by the music, letting it sway his body to the r&b beat. A stray tear shed from Jongin’s eyes as he heard the next line to the song (na amu kkumi opsotji, kudaeyo sal su issotkiye, kkumul kkuge dwimyon saranghage dwimyon, Doung do himduro chinun kol alkiye - I had no dreams, that was the only way I could live. For if I dream, if I love, I know it will that much harder) as the song ended Jongin performed his signature heartbeat move with his hands firmly pressed on his chest mimicking the beating of his heart to the rhythm of the song and the lonely violin slowly faded out and the auditorium was filled with silence. Jongin returned to his starting position before bowing a full 90 degrees to the judges. They all stared at him with jaws dropped. “Thank you so much. You really are great teachers. Thank you for letting me express my feelings” he bowed again. “Th-thank you Jongin-shi. You will hear the results within a couple of weeks. Thank you for coming today.” All of he judges smiled at him as he left the room.

Jongin exited the building with a huge smile on his face. For some reason he felt much lighter. Even if he didn’t pass the audition, that was the best performance of his life and the most important thing was that it gave him perspective. Now he knew exactly how he felt, the question was what should he do about it?